Girls: Why is she so hot and cold with me?

[Anonymous]

I am 23 and she is 29. We've always had a crush on each other.

At first I thought she was interested because of only first impressions and looks. So I tried to be cold and showed her I'm just a weird guy inside, and tried cutting off my feelings.

I ended up feeling stronger, and her interest didn't wane at all. She tried to be near me and asked me to sit with her a lot. She blushed red whenever I tried to talk to her. Couple months ago we went on a couple of after-office dates. It was fun and we got to know each other a little better.

Then we went out on a Saturday. It was fun until she started talking about other guys, and her "pretend boyfriend". Whatever that is. It doesn't sound great in English but in my language it sounds playful. Alarms went through my head because I was cheated on in the past. Needless to say that date ended basically in silence. I was trying not to be angry and upset and she picked up on it.

A day later we had an outing with friends. I thought she was just leading me on and had an actual boyfriend, so I decided to try and move on and ignored her. She touched me a lot in the pool and tried to get my attention but I just didn't know how to react. At the end I decided to give her a chance, and went home with her. She was cold. Did not say much and avoided touching me. Okay, understandable. I was cold so whatever.

I set up a date the next day and she said yes. The day before the date, she stopped texting; she ended up flaking on me.

Asked her what happened and if I offended her, she said she was busy that day (she wasn't) and that I did nothing wrong. She took 1 week delays to respond to my texts. Thought it was over, so when I saw her at the office I ignored her again. She hovered and glanced around me the entire day and even got angry at me for ignoring her.

It's been a month since then and she's hot and cold with texts. Declines my calls. She still tries to make me jealous. I'll be seeing her at work, don't know what to do...

Updates

1 y

Extra detail: If you're curious why I'm being so tolerant of this, it's because we have a genuine connection. Same interests. Same experiences in life (we both had bad breakups 6 years ago and had been single since then). Same moral/financial/religious values. Same humor. Just don't know why she's doing this and if it's worth persevering. But I'm somewhat willing to persevere..

[Iron_Man]

This sounds extremely complicated a lot of head games are being played. The best thing to do is communicate with her and be very honest and open tell her what you’re looking for

[Asker]

Yeah.. that's what I plan on doing in a couple of days. It's what I've always planned on and I know I'm guilty of what she's doing as well.

I'm trying to make ways to communicate properly but I feel we're not really in sync.. just constantly push and pulling at each other.

Anyways thanks for reading and I will talk to her.

[Iron_Man]

You’re very welcome my friend good luck with that

[Iron_Man]

Thanks for most helpful Award

[Guy13]

Patience, eh…this is a little complicated 🤔

[Guy13]

Even though what seems the the Basics for underpinnings of Relationship are the Same (Religion etc) she does not seem stable. She either does not like or is so unstable that she is not Wifey material. I don’t know if your Muslim or what but what about Family.
-I would step away and let friendship develop. If something comes from that then you will at least have some emotional stability and trust. It’s clear that she is not ready. You need to know what happened with that last relationship. Medical and Psychological evals or reports. There’s something not right about her.

[Asker]

@Guy13 Thanks for reading my post. We are both Catholic. I've thought about that and I think that's accurate. It seems to me she has moved on from her ex but not from the bad feelings. I don't know the full details though.

Letting friendship develop was my first plan. I wanted to take it slow but she just won't talk to me properly. I'm afraid of telling her I want to be friends first; I don't want her to get the wrong idea. I notice she is scared somewhat because whenever we dated she was always checking if I was looking at other women. I'm concerned she'll think I'm not interested in her at all if I tell her to be friends because she seems to always try to find a subtext in everything I say.

For psychological evals.. not a lot of psychiatrists or w/e they are called in my country so don't know where to find that lol.

[Asker]

Maybe her being scared is a strong word but I guess its more anxious

[Guy13]

You could have one of those latch on, isolate you, terrorize everyone you know bipolar/over controlling types here. She's already making you doubt your method, technique, and changing everything to accommodate her whimsical behavior. It is too bad that you can't find the guy or an old connection would can fill you in...
Does she know your personal dynamic... family work, friends, or any of that? l

[Asker]

She is close to my manager so she hears from her a lot about what I do/accomplish, and my work ethic.

She doesn't know my family and friends. It's mostly mutual friends from work; that general circle.

I hope she's not a controlling type. But I notice she's usually kind and empathetic with other people. She's the go-to for consulting with stuff. So maybe she isn't? I feel like if she were, the people who have known her years long would have distanced themselves.

[Asker]

And the people who know her are great and helpful people

[Guy13]

Sociopath lacks empathy. Narcissist lack empathy. Some say future sociopaths and psychopaths started out as Narcissists... I would keep my head down and work. This girl is a train wreck and sounds like she does not feel emotion. She laughs when others laugh. She cries when others cry. She has no First-Known emotion that is not copied or referenced from another Source.
--She likes attention whether negative or positive which is Narcissistic. She will abuse you or be kind to you as it does not matter. Those closer to Sociopath actually gets more joy out of the negative attention and can ride that buzz from inflicting cruelty much further than you complimenting them. --She has to keep her gas tank full of Attention. It is pretty abusive... whether she initiated it in past relationship or learned it from being victim you are in for a train wreck. Step away and see if she becomes coercive in workplace and threatening as friend with supervisor. Back the F-Off and watch... It would not hurt to put your resume together either... Sorry for the barrage...

[Asker]

Thanks for the concern, though I don't think any of those would accurately describe her.

But I'll keep your advice in mind

[Guy13]

Alright, take care and hope all plays out as you wish !!!

[Asker]

Thank you :)

[TheFlak38]

Keep jumping through her hoops like an obedient circus animal. She doesn't give a shit abut you.

[Asker]

lol. Thought about that and I do think its likely.

[Asker]

But I asked a lot of people and the general concensus seems to be, my friends (who don't know her) say she undervalues me, our mutual friends say I should be patient, strangers on the internet are saying be patient and talk to her

[In_Trance]

Because that's how you are with her

[Asker]

Yeah. Realized I'm guilty of it too as I finished typing it out and a couple people pointed it out. Thanks for reading my long post

[Akelley_293]

Because we are testing the waters

[Asker]

How would you want the guy to continue whenever you do that? I have been trying to show her that I really care for the past month, and its just the usual hot-cold responses.

I notice she starts responding more and faster when I ask her if there's anything wrong or if there's a problem. She always says there's nothing wrong... so I continue texting and try to steer the conversation to something more meaningful like why she declines my calls. But she cuts me short by ignoring me again once it starts getting there.

She declines my calls and comes up with random excuses like "reheating food for breakfast". I am pretty sure she can talk to me while doing that.

She has a go-to guy for trying to make me jealous, and we are all in the same messaging group. She always jokes around with him a lot in the group chat and whenever somebody asks me for help there, if I don't respond immediately she would @ the guy and ask if he can do it instead of me.

[Asker]

^ There's 10+ people in that group chat