Girls, Any traditional women out there that can help answer my questions and concerns?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I wish I could be a traditional woman but I'm always so afraid to do that.

I don't really see the benefits. Yeah I bet the man wants that like a dog with a bone lol I know he's desperate for that shit like why wouldn't he be? The woman is like literally catering for him.

But how do you do traditional stuff in a relationship and not get taken advantage or for granted or put down and disrespected. Eventually the guy will get used to you being a housewife and he demands it. It's this disrespectful thing more when he's barking orders at you with zero respect.

This guy is most likely misogynistic so he doesn't respect women in that regard that's normal and right. It's almost like he sees traditional women or women in general as property that he can control. How? How can you be in a relationship like that and be happy? Do you somehow not come across the asshole that treats you lesser because you are female?

I feel like every guy out there deep down just hates women, even if they come across their dream girl in every way they'll still treat her like a piece of shit because they feel like they are number 1 and above women so they basically don't deserve respect and they treat them like trash. I don't get why a woman wants to be traditional seeing that the majority of men are like that.

How is that good for you? How do you stay happy in a relationship like that? It blows my mind. Men with this toxic mentality of treating women like weaker bitches that they can control and put down. I'm speaking from experience, I've met a lot of men like this irl and on the internet. Is it mainly a internet thing where guys bitch and are really toxic though?

I met a guy who told me he wanted women to be second class citizens. That really upset me because I really wanted to try and be traditional for him and then he literally destroyed that desire completely. Like why be traditional to someone who doesn't respect you? Men like to act like that's just normal? It's not normal.

Updates

9 mo

You know for sure the guy would never tolerate that disrespect ever. If the woman were to treat him that way, the way he literally and basically treats her and how he thinks of women. So why do women have to accept that treatment? It's really fucked up and not right. Somehow we are supposed to be happy and content. Do the men not see what's happening? How messed up that is? It's excusing really shitty behavior. It's not hard to not act like that.

[J0sie]

In my experience, there is a spectrum of traditional men and women. I come from a religious background and encounter some from both ends.

there are women who want to be second class citizens, be a housewife and not be responsible for anything regarding money or other things outside the home. These couples seem to find each other. They don’t see a problem with it either way.

as a working female with traditional values, it is harder to find a man with similar values. I have had to step away from relationships because the man wanted to be more controlling of my life and I would not let it happen ( it bordered on abusive)

right now there is a man that has traditional values similar to mine and agrees that women should be able to stand alone. We are whole on our own and a man/husband/boyfriend is only their for added joy in our lives. He is understanding and doesn’t have the toxic mentality of many men, traditional or otherwise.

in the traditional and religious mindset, we need to find someone who has a similar yoke or burden as we do in order for our relationship to thrive not just survive.

[Asker]

How did you find the current guy you are with?

[Asker]

I don't know if this is going to shock you or disturb you. The last guy I was with he told me he was against condoms and he said he's never going to wear one. As well as birth control, which I don't care about birth control. But I did care about the condom part because women can get uti's from unprotected sex. So basically it's like I'm just constantly worrying about my health, going on antibiotics by the constant uti's I'll be getting if peeing after sex doesn't work every time. It seemed like an unnecessary hassle for my own health just because he's lazy. I don't know if you consider that traditional/religious by being against contraceptives. But that for sure put me off.

[J0sie]

I have heard about the no condom thing so it doesn’t shock me however I wouldn’t call that traditional or religious in any way.
My religion and most people in my church and area that I live believe that sex should wait until marriage and then sex is for procreation so there is no need for contraceptives because there is the joy of having children and raising a family together for the glory of God. Personally I wouldn’t want to use birth control because it might harm the baby while in the womb, even after you stop taking it. But I’m not against condoms.
The guy I am with now I met at a Christian college. He didn’t agree with the college’s way of doing things and left but we stayed in contact and things are going pretty good. 🙂

[Asker]

I'm happy for you! I hope it works out for you guys. That's nice that you guys met through God, that's the way to go.

I am religious as well and actually the guy I was last talking to, I met at church. Like how you said there's a spectrum of how traditional people are. I always thought I could be traditional like the old school 50s housewife and I know what it says in the bible about marriage and basically having a healthy relationship. I really strictly tried to follow it, believing and trusting in God.

But I met that last guy and he really scared me and made me second guess myself like is a traditional lifestyle really for me?

Like some other things he told me, how he wants his wife to stay home and do everything at home by herself even with the kids. I want to be that way but a part of me feels like I might need help, especially with the kids. I asked if he would help.

He basically told me he gets overwhelmed easily but that he'll try but basically making no promises and that actually really annoyed me. Like I'm just supposed to have my shit straight 24/7 yet he can't help out? I really didn't like that answer and it made me feel like I would just be his slave.

I can't even imagine how many kids we would be having if he doesn't believe in condoms and I'm just doing it all by myself. It pissed me off. He was also talking about buying a house out in the middle of no where and raising the kids homeschooled which I am assuming I'm doing by myself with our 10 kids since he's against condoms.

It really scared me. Like can I be traditional or am I not traditional. I would like help from my husband I don't want everything only on me. Is that unreasonable?

Does that not make me traditional anymore? But definitely we weren't compatible. However, do you know what I am? I'm honestly extremely lost.

[J0sie]

Your wants and needs are not unreasonable and of course the husband should help. I mean what kind of family/ kids should grow up without their father being present. I don’t think this stops you from being or wanting a traditional life.
If you want the traditional 50s lifestyle, don’t get scared, you will just need to find someone who will want the same lifestyle with you! I agree that your last guy was not compatible with you and it is a good thing that you are not with him (I think anyway) there was a couple in my church where the man didn’t believe in condoms and they had I think 7-8 kids and he ended up leaving her because they had too many kids (which no one understood cuz it was his kids. And he was the one making them but whatever)
I think you need a lot of prayer and trust in God and He will provide the perfect man for you! Maybe He brought this guy into your life to show you what you don’t want and don’t need.
I hope this helps you! 🙂

[LazerBean]

Well yes if you do that much assuming, then I could see how being traditional would sound like a bad choice. But the fact is, there are men out there who will take advantage of what women they can regardless of if they consider themselves traditional or not. I'm sure there are some women in traditional roles get abused, but way more often I see women get abused by men who expect them to work like a modern woman and still take all the responsibilities of a stay-at-home traditional woman after they get home from work. The trick to not marrying an abusive husband isn't to avoid traditional men, since being traditional isn't the problem. The trick is just to be smart and use your brain whenever you're picking a husband.

[Asker]

Though, I always see guys complaining about how women aren't providing anything to the relationship. I feel like a good majority of men feel that way. They all want a traditional woman. I noticed the majority of them that are complaining are the exact toxic ones that'll treat you like shit. How do you avoid getting a guy like that when 99% of them are like that? You'd basically be single a good portion of your life weeding through all the trash just to find someone who's not crazy.

[LazerBean]

Well, tbh it's easy weeding through men when you were raised by parents who were teaching you how to do it throughout your time growing up. I'm sure it's quite a bit harder for women who didn't have parents like that.

[Asker]

Woah 😳 are you psychologist? Dang you went into my soul and read me like a book lol. I grew up with parents who didn't teach me those things

[LazerBean]

Lol nah, I'm just big into people watching.

[Asker]

People watching is really interesting. I always enjoyed eating food at like a bench somewhere and watch people go by. I get that shit. Lol 😆

I grew up with parents that basically didn't allow me to date until I was 18. During that time of being a kid the only thing they warned me about was not staying with a abusive husband. But that was basically it.

If anything my father was and still is abusive in some ways. I grew up with my dad physically and mentally abusing my mother so that's pretty ironic when you think about it. My dad raised me with that same abuse, though mentally more than physically. As you can imagine, we dont have the best relationship.

My dad is exactly how I described these toxic men in this post. I noticed that I do come across toxic men that resemble my father so dating has been really hard. I honestly don't know how to avoid toxic men because the last guy I talked to I thought was a harmless guy. He was a nerd that never gets out, I thought he was a nice guy. Like a real nice guy not the fake ones.

He turned out to be a misogynist and I'm always struggling to find someone normal. It's really hard. I don't get how you healthy women do it.

[LazerBean]

Yeah, my parents are strongly against divorce so my whole life they always put a lot of effort into teaching me about men and marriage so that they wouldn't have to worry about abuse and separation later on. Something I think most people don't talk about enough is that a lot of women end up being attracted to men who share traits with their father. Not that they're sexually attracted to their dad or anything weird like that, it's just that people find comfort in what they know. I think that plays a large part in why women with abusive fathers end up with abusive men. The cycle can be broken, of course, but it takes a lot of determination to do it. My mom had a deadbeat dad who would take off for long periods of time whenever he wanted, even though he's was married to her mom still. She broke the cycle because she was determined to do better. I ended up marrying someone who shares a lot of similarities with my dad, they get along really well lol but yeah it is hard to know how to change tactics and what to change about yourself to attract the kind of men you want when you don't have anyone teaching you. It takes a lot of time to learn it all, so it would probably help you if you could find some sort of older lady with a good solid marriage who can mentor you.

[Asker]

If your husband is really similar to your dad, does he treat you right? How are you guys making that work? How do you remain happy?

[LazerBean]

Yes, both my father and my husband love me and treat me very well. The best way to be happy in marriage is to start off right by picking a spouse that has a personality that works well with yours, and has the same goals, values, and interests as you. I'm more happy and have more fun now that I'm married than I did when I was single.

[Anonymous]

You wish you could be a traditional woman, but you don't really see the benefits?

You have made a lot of false assumptions and unfounded generalizations here. I live in a culture where traditional relationships are common, and most of them are healthy respectful and mutually beneficial. Stop reading the biased, negative rhetoric.

[Asker]

Well I didn't really read anything, it was more like I met guys who acted like this, basically the way I described in the post.

[EmmaMary]

You've certainly been meeting the wrong guys.

And what precisely do you determine to be a "Traditional Woman"?

[Asker]

The one that does "womanly duties" around the house. The 1950s old school mentality where she doesn't work and stays home all day. Only goes out to shop or do things with the husband or kids. Takes care of the kids by herself, the man doing literally nothing to help in the kid department except for bringing home the bacon. The woman does everything around the house with no help at all.

[EmmaMary]

Those women, including myself, are very few and far between and have been for decades now.

[Asker]

Ok but my question is how do you find a guy who respects you, who treats you like a human being with emotions and not a slave when being a traditional woman comes with the territory of finding a crazy misogynist that doesn't respect you or sees you as an equal that he can't or shouldn't abuse?

[EmmaMary]

I've absolutely no idea whatsoever, but there again I do not consider myself to be a totally "Traditional Woman" as you put it.

[Asker]

Do you mind explaining what kind of a traditional woman you are? You have me intrigued.

[EmmaMary]

Well quite simply I'm presently on maternity leave having given birth to our second child, and will be returning to work this coming November.

Other than that, I'm just a very ordinary working woman, wife and mother.

When finishing work I attend to the normal household chores such as washing and ironing, vacuuming and dusting, but must confess that we do have two absolutely lovely ladies who help with the cleaning etc. once a week.

My husband is an architect and actually owns the practice, and when not working helps tremendously with the children as well as around the house and garden.

Maybe I'm wrong in thinking that this is now, and has been for many decades the "Traditional Marriage".

[Asker]

When he's not working, so basically on the weekends if he has that traditional type of schedule. However, if he has his own business, having days off is pretty difficult... unless I'm wrong?

That kind of life you described doesn't sound that bad. However you are working and basically doing all the work at home too by yourself except for the help of those nice women you hired. You only get help when your husband isn't working which I can assume he's busy all the time. My question is what is the point in being married to someone when you are doing 80% of everything and he's barely doing anything at all. Yeah he's working but you are working too and doing everything else. I dont see the point of how that's fair to you. Of course I can see why he's loving that.

[EmmaMary]

To sum this up once and for all I do not actually have to work at all, however having studied and qualified in getting a BSc. it's quite simply what I choose to do.

And with regards to my husband, your assumptions are completely and utterly wrong, to the point of fact that it's probably very much a 60/40 marriage.

And I'll thank you for not insulting both my husband and our marriage any further.

[Asker]

I apologize for insulting you guys and your marriage. It wasn't my intention. I talk about things frankly but I'm not trying to step on toes while doing it. But I know I am coming off too blunt. I'd like you to know that I'm very sorry for angering you. You are justified for feeling that way, I didn't mean to be rude by saying things that I said. I'll leave you alone now.

[EmmaMary]

I thank you kindly for your apology which I fully accept and very much appreciate.

[MissBoogus]

I’m not sure , just make sure you find the right guy first, I love to be an at home wife and mother. I love to do the chores, cook, take care of everything etc. He never disrespects me.

[Asker]

Ok... buttttt what if you are married and then either his true colors show or he changes where he starts treating you like shit? What would you do then? What about if kids are involved? That's what I'm afraid of too. I know that not everyone can be good all the time, they have their bad days and couples fight. But to have a 180 change of personality where the guy doesn't respect you and disrespects you completely all the time.

[MissBoogus]

If the guy doesn’t respect you and disrespects you all time, and communication can’t fix it - it’s time to leave. It’s best to not involve the kids in a break up. A plan can be made after the separation, such as he gets them on weekends etc.

[Asker]

Dang that sucks. Divorce is bad for the kids.

[Asker]

What do you think of the term domesticated wife?

[MissBoogus]

In some cases, not at all. It would be much worse for them to stay in a loveless, disfunctioning home.

I like that term.

[Asker]

That's true, you would be doing the kids a favor if you split up. I wish my parents did that.

When I think of domesticated wife/house wife I think of a man taking a feral animal from the streets and making an honest woman out of her. Which is super insulting lol at least in my eyes. No one uses a term like that for men. It's like oh the woman is the crazy one that needs to be tamed but the man is normal and perfect.

[MissBoogus]

I think of a domesticated wife as a man claiming you as his. You are there to please him and do what you can to create that classic, warm, loving home with a warm meal at the table. But this can only work if he shows you the utmost respect in return. If you are to serve him and offer all your love - he is to be your protector. To keep you safe, comfortable, loved and happy.

I am submissive in every way and perhaps that’s why I like this life style. To be led by a strong leader, where I trust every decision he makes, and everything he does is for the betterment of the family.

[Asker]

If he's claiming you, are you claiming him as well or is he just allowed to do whatever the heck he wants and you're just a trophy that waits on him hand and foot and looks pretty. To please him... Sorry that just makes me think of a sex slave, I don't mean any offense by that. Ok I need to ask what is he giving you? Yeah protection... At the end of the day you or him can get a gun. We don't live in the wild anymore. What is he fighting off? There is nothing to fight off anymore. There are a lot of safety measures a woman can take where she can take care of herself like a house alarm for one. She doesn't really need him for that, most guys don't even find themselves in situations where they need to protect their wife or kids in America. We got 1st world problems over here nothing like poor Syria and other countries where a man would need to protect his family. American men are really doing nothing.

I understand the other stuff you said. I don't mean to be rude by the way, I'm sorry if I did insult you. I don't mean to be abrasive when I talk about the stuff I question.

[Asker]

Can I ask you really quick. Ok so you had a long day of doing a bunch of stuff around the house by yourself with no help whatsoever, you are tired. It's your husband's day off from work. You sit down the first time in hours to catch your breath and your husband looks over at you, all lazy sitting there doing nothing but watching TV. He says, "I'm hungry." And then he just stares at you to get right back up and make him something when he can easily do it himself, when you just sat down to breathe. Would you get up without protest and make him a sandwich or whatever you would make him really quick. That wouldn't annoy you? He acts like a stupid helpless man like he has a 50 IQ, cooking and making himself food is mind blowing for his feeble man brain. Cooking is one of the easiest things to do, it doesn't take a brain scientist to do it. But he pulls that dumb man card like he can't breath air unless you're literally doing everything for him. I find that annoying like I'm his slave or his mother. It's unattractive and a burden. Then he has the audacity to put you down like what you are doing (cooking, cleaning) isn't a big deal compared to what he does because he's so much better than you so you should just shut up and do it. If it isn't a big deal then why isn't he doing it? The hypocrisy is blatant.

[Asker]

He's just trying to keep you down and control you. I hate men like that.

[MissBoogus]

He is also mine, and he constantly seeks my permission and approval for anything. My happiness is his priority he tells me and he would never want to disappoint me. Every decision we make we make together. Yeah a gun is good, we have that but he is added protection. He can also do things I couldn’t dream of, such as put someone on the ground. I’m too weak to do anything but in any physical fight he will have my back. Or at parties. Anywhere. And we DO live in the wild haha. Lots of animals around and it’s not safe to walk alone. Having a big and threatening guy with me keeps the wolves 🐺 from wanting to investigate. Honestly what will a house alarm do especially in my situation? He could have killed or raped me before anyone could show up.

[MissBoogus]

I don’t think making the sandwich would bother me, but I don’t like that tone “he just stares at you” for it. Rude and disrespectful. I’d just stare back at him and act confused as to what he wants lol. I rarely feel irritated assisting him with things, but that’s also because he respects me. Your guy shouldn’t put you down like that , ever.