Do you have a one-upper friend? How do you deal with them?

[desidoll]

How do you deal with them? Last year, I had to cut off this woman from my life, because she always tried to put me down whenever something good happened to me. She either tried to gaslight me, or made up some shits saying she knows other people who are better. She also lied about having rich bfs, (yet borrowed money from me), or she had travelled to some countries that I have never been. According to her, she has dated men from all races, when the truth is she has never been in a steady relationship. Good thing is, we have a couple of mutual friends. They told me they just pretend to believe her stories, but make fun of her behind her back.

I tried to stay in the friendship but she has gotten worse after 2 years. I figured she insanely drained me. When she realized I ended the friendship, she got panicked and tried to get my attention by liking and commenting on my fb posts or whatsaap story. I mostly responded her with short sentence to let her know that I am not interested to reconnect again. She lost her mind after knowing her brag board (me) is not there anymore to entertain her bullshits.

[Anonymous]

In high school, I went to a really academically competitive school. There was a girl whom I was friends with in one of my classes. She and I started what at first was just a friendly rivalry to see who could get the higher grade in the class. We were really just trying to encourage each other to do better. She bested me on the first couple of exams, and I was very supportive of her and congratulatory.

It of course motivated me to do well, so I studied hard and managed to beat her on the next exam fully expecting the same treatment I'd given her, but she came up with all kinds of lame excuses how she didn't feel well that last day of the exam and how she'd been up all night, and blah, blah. Nothing of course, that she'd mentioned. Same thing happened when I bested her a second time. She even started to say, oh that particular exam was more suited towards me, like the teacher had specifically made the test for me to do well?!?

This constant need to one up me at everything attitude started to extend to other things as well in our friendship and I realized after my best friend pointed out to me, how she was one upping her as well, that I no longer wanted to play this game because it became literally about being better than me and everyone else all the time, and that's exhausting to be around someone like that that has no chill. I mean when you literally have to constantly say, hey this is NOT a competition, that's a red flag. Insanely, years later, I ran into her at the mall, and she was like, oh hey, what are you doing now, and I just casually was talking and she started it up again, well I did this and that and this and I'm this. She asked after she finished if we should meet up for lunch or something and I flatly told her no, I'm good, and walked off, never to see her again.

[desidoll]

The funny thing is they act like they have no idea why we avoid them. Not sure if it is done on purpose or they are just unapologetic group of people.

[naartjie]

Yup and I cut her off. I spent 5 years on an off with her and she’d ghost me every few months to find better friends but always came back because no one cared or put in effort like I did.
Before I cut her off I sent her a very long message calling her out, she had nothing bad to say about me because I had never done her wrong.
End of the day, cut these people off, you’re worth so much more.

[desidoll]

This. They come back because sadly they feel like we are the only people who are willing to tolerate them.

[naartjie]

Exactly! Once you call them out, you’ll see how ugly they are on the inside, you’ll see all of it. Just because you have a good heart and care so deeply for people, it’s so important to know what to tolerate and what not to.

[JoePro_]

I used to (unintentionally) be a one-upper. My intention wasn't to one-up, but to add to the conversation. I wouldn't lie about stories or make things up. I just often had a story that I thought fit the conversation.

Then someone mentioned it to me like, "Why are you always trying to one up people?" And I hadn't realized I was doing that. It actually made me self-conscious. So, I was more cautious after that when I shared stories (sharing less often), and then when I did share stories, I would make it seem like the other person had it better/worse (depending on what the intent of their story was). Something like "Oh man, that sucks. I have a similar story, not as bad as yours though. One time..." That sort of thing. Giving them credit for their story and how it affected them, but still acting as a participant in the conversation.

So, what to do about lying one-uppers? I don't really know. But I think you did the right thing in cutting her off, especially if she's a gaslight type. Nothing you say or do is probably going to change what she does.

[DryGermanGuy]

Not as a simple one-upper, but rather a start-with-a-thousand-why-don't-ya. The bragging king of braggadocios country. In his own mind a natural born manager with highest abilities and fortitude, well connected with top businessmen, politicians and military. In reality a twice-divorced loser with at most ten bucks in his name. I'm still baffled by the dimensions of his charade.

[desidoll]

These people create their own world because they are actually sad with their life but too afraid to admit it.

[DryGermanGuy]

It must be something like that. If they ever see a psychiatrist, they have their work cut for them.

[cheeky_starfish]

Sounds like jealousy to me, and that’s why she either put down your achievements, or made out like she has done better. If you told her you had been to the moon, she would say she has been to Mars! 😂 The moment you ended this friendship she was more likely upset for losing someone she could use to make herself feel better. I’ve known people like this in the past, and you really are best not having them in your life - they are draining and not really an encouraging and supportive friend for you. I hope you have better friends now 🙂

[rosemilk]

yes! i deal with them by not hanging out with them as often and also never telling them about my life. it sucks, and i'm too nice to cut them off, but hey... gotta do what you gotta do sometimes. also this is my friend since like high school so it's hard.

[desidoll]

I know that feeling. The attachment is just difficult to break off.

[JayBones]

They are the worst when they are liars. I have a one-upper friend that has done so much though. He is great at every skill based game. Baseball, darts, golf, fishing, bowling. He's like forest Gump. I went to the war in Vietnam fucking Nam and he met the president and won the congressional medal of honor

[desidoll]

Lol you should ask a photo of him with the president.

[JayBones]

The president is always an asshole. I have a picture of him and I winning a teams bowling event where u sucked ass and he had a triple turkey with a perfect game and they gave him a ring. A literal golden wring in a broke ass bowling alley in the ghetto

[Guanfei]

My brother is like that. Whatever I do, he wants to be sure he does better.

Which I could totally use to ruin him. For example, if I buy a new part for my PC, he'll buy a better part because he can't stand being behind me. I could totally buy one that he can't afford, and see him drown in debt to be better than me.

[desidoll]

Damn, and he is your brother. Cutting off family members is not easy.

[DizzyDesii]

The majority of my “friends” and fam are like that. That's why i enjoy riding solo. Even my guy is starting to show that he has to one up me to feel better about himself. Funny enough, they are all “Leos” and “Sagittarius” not that that matters much but its an odd coincidence

[Vick2828]

Um, I'm a Sagittarius, and I don't get jealous of trying to one-up anyone.

[DizzyDesii]

@Vick2828 the female sag i know and the male/female leos i know are like that

[LordMadara]

You must have bumped yo head over the kitchen shelf , I'm a leo my bragging is calculated and precise , not just a meaningless one,

I despise those who brah about kids to me or throw a one upper of such nature , I divorce you real quick,

Maybe you right?

[DizzyDesii]

@LordMadara im not saying theyre all alike but its something that they’re all the same zodiac. You were right about being “calculated” though. They are all that and thats not necessarily a perk

[TommyMountainFigure]

I did. I gave him an ultimatum.

Either stop it or we will no longer be friends.. He didn't, so we aren't!

[desidoll]

Seems like it becomes part of his habitual life so he can’t stop himself from doing that.

[TommyMountainFigure]

He use to take pleasure in other people's misery too. I looked into it and these were signs of sociopathic behaviour! I was well off out of it!

[desidoll]

Oh man, he exactly the same as my ex friend. She loves it when people get divorced, robbed, in debt or get into an accident. How far do you think these people are willing to go if there is no law?

[desidoll]

He is*

[TommyMountainFigure]

And I have to say. I know exactly what you mean when you use the word 'drained' it feels like mental torture just to have a conversation with people like that, and you are worried in case you say something they take the wrong way!

[TommyMountainFigure]

How far? I'll tell you. He told me once he was first on the scene of a car accident, and whilst he waited for the emergency services to arrive. he took his phone out and filmed it.. This was AFTER I gave him the ultimatum to stop trying to one up everyone and everything! It made me physically sick that someone could be laying there dying in the road and he was filming it! It was actually this which was the last straw, only i wasn't intending on elaborating, until we got into a conversation

[desidoll]

You are right about that. She can say whatever she wants to me. That includes commenting on my body when I lost/gained weight, but I could never say anything about her being obese, or else she would turn everything and make it looks like I am the bully. Whenever she wanted to meet up, I already felt uneasy. I didn’t realize it until she became so acclimatised on putting me down to the point where she felt so comfortable being in control.

Whoa, the filming part. I just can’t. No matter how I hate someone, I never wish anything like that on them or take pleasure from it. Your friend sounds like a real psychopath who enjoy seeing other people in pain. It is scary how people who want to hurt us is someone who knows us.

[TommyMountainFigure]

You know Desi? I was willing to overlook so much with him, because I value friendship, and I guess you do make allowances for them when you know things they have been through (I won't go into the background too much of why he was the way he was) but I overlooked the 'I earn more than you' (he didn't, but I never argued when he said he did) and the (well you know from your ex friend how it goes) There's a load more too, after I introduced him to my other friends ( I always do that because I think it's nice for friends to know each other etc.) He tried to drive a wedge between them. Sociopath/Psychopath/ jealous of the world. I don't know honestly. He was just so filled with hatred. You are so right. It really is scary

[Grond21]

I remember her. Good for you for leaving her permanently! You did the right thing

And that's exactly what I would recommend to other people in your situation

[desidoll]

I actually took her back to give her a chance. She only changed like for a month then started all over again.

[handsomelad70]

Never.

[Grond21]

Oh geez, that is awful. I'm glad you got rid of her for good

[bobalife]

Dropped them by distancing myself. It’s unhealthy and exhausting when your friends are envious of you and wanna beat you at everything, have what/who you have, or puts you down. I don’t think they’re authentic, good long-term friendships.

[NathanDavis]

nope... not friends

but acquaintances, yes

[Bklynbadboy12]

Unfortunately I do it's to the point where I don't even tell him much anymore. Cause no matter what I do. He always tries to1 up me even if he can't and it's super frustrating

[desidoll]

Are you still friends with him?

[Bklynbadboy12]

Barely its frustrating to have someone like that in your circle

[Still-alive]

Yup i definitely had one of those. It Got pretty annoying lol

[desidoll]

Did you cut him off?

[Still-alive]

Yeah for awhile but we reconnected and luckily he's not like that much anymore

[desidoll]

That’s actually good. I notice men seem to be more open to take criticism from their friends. I know if I ever confront her, it won’t end well lol.

[dolemite58]

I had a roommate in college like that, I stopped hanging out with him after we didn’t live together anymore.

[desidoll]

Did he try to reach you?

[dolemite58]

After we stopped being roommates? Just once i think

[ChicoFromThe305]

Sounds like you made the right decision and no I never have cause when I notice any that's not some real shit from people, I seoerate without giving them more chances.

[WindyandWarms]

You just described my cousin's wife. lol I told a story, and then she told the same story. lol

[red324]

Anytime I've loaned money out it took that same amount in effort to get it back.

[desidoll]

And we end up become the beggar for our OWN money.

[red324]

Yeah and they get mad that we are even asking about it. 🙄

[sawno]

I don't think I can become friends with someone like that to begin with.

[Squatting_Slav]

Good you cut her off.

I've had a few but I always nip these in the bud with no maintaining friendship. I only want loyalty and emotional maturity surrounding me

[douride2]

I have a few friends or acquaintances like that. I just ignore them when they start one upping others.

[CubaPirate]

Yes we call him Topper, because anything you've done he can top it.

[MrShaun]

No. not really.

I'm already the best at everything, anyway.

Just joking.