How do you handle with someone who's giving hot and cold attitude?

[YeKeTu]

It's been more than 3 years. The thing is.. A lot of thing has been going on in our relationships.. lots of ups and downs between us but we always manage to work it out. Me and her are not in an official relationship (like boyfriend girlfriend). But our communications and interactions with each other are like couples. I really love her and gave her all my energy, time and efforts. I always deliver every promise that I made and always be there for her. I would also be the one who text or call first.

When I confessed to her, she didn't say yes but she admitted that she know I love her, saw all my efforts and really appreciate everything that I've done for her. She even said that I'm special and mean everything to her, more than just a friend (no, she didn't think of me like a brother or anything like that). We even had a a lot of sweet moments after that like video calls, sleep calls, going out with each other, etc..

However, it didn't last long as she would suddenly ghosted me a lot and giving dry replies. There were no more video calls or sleep calls, she barely respond to my text and we don't go out like we used to anymore. It confuses me and it had been going on for so long to the point where I got scared and can no longer text or call her first.

I've tried asking her for clarification. I even asked her to be honest and truthful if there was another guy. She said there was no other man. It's just she can't reciprocate my feelings because she's not into that kind of commitments yet. She even told me to just find another woman and don't wait for her.

Of course, it broke my heart as I have done so many things and been nothing but loyal her. After that, I stop "chasing" her and try to move on. But, as I'm trying to heal myself, she would suddenly contacted me again, being super sweet and pampered, gave a lot of attentions and act as if she forgot what she said to me before.

Updates

+1 y

There's a moment where I try to do like what she did to me. She didn't like and even said something sarcastic like :

"Ohh you still have your phone huh, I thought you already threw it away since you been ignoring me lately"

She would then sulk and I have to make her happy again.
Till this day, we still not a couple and there were no real answer from her.
Does she actually love me too or not? Does she even want me? Is this a test from her? why?
Have you ever came across the same problem?

Updates

+1 y

Today (3rd July 2024), It's been almost 2 months since we last contacted each other. Like I said, I don't text or call her first anymore due to the "trauma" of what she did to me. All I do now is just wait for her to text whenever it is "convenient" to her or when she's "free".

To make things worst. My feelings for her are still the same. I still love and miss her so much. For now, I can only look at the pictures and videos of her in my phone gallery.. remembering all the good time that we had.

[TheRealPepperPotts]

I think they call this a "situationship" now?

You need to formally end it, not for her sake, but for yours. She doesn't love you and is keeping her options open. You need to end it in your mind and formally. It doesn't matter if you aren't official. You feel something for her.

But here's the deal: I suspect if you demonstrate your walk away power, she will probably come flooding back. She will try to get back in your good graces so she can do it All. Over. Again. Because girls like that need to be in control. She feels chill right now because she know she controls you entirely. Take that away and you will become her entire fixation. You will need to be very strong and not respond to accusations, love-bombing, invitations to make up, etc. You hold your position and regain your self-respect, man.

It might be helpful to make a plan of action first and leave for an undisclosed period of time. I wouldn't surprise me if she appears on your doorstep and attempts to seduce you. If you allow that, you've lost. Be cold and don't accept any of her arguments and whining. Tell her no, you aren't interested and shut the door in her face. If she tries to stop you, call the police and tell them you have an intruder. Whatever she says, don't engage. Don't let her win. It will be filled with drama at first, but you have to win.

Fight for yourself, man. I'm rooting for you!

[Anonymous]

I know someone who is going through something similar.

I hope you take this advice.

When you told her how you felt, she should've wanted to be official in that moment.

Now you are making excuses for her to why she can't be with you.

She is ghosting you cause she doesn't want to commit.

Please move on. You're still young and will find someone else.

She's now playing with you.

You tried, but now just end it. She will keep playing with you.

I've seen this happen with a friend and she keeps going back to him on and off. It's really sad to see when she can have someone better.

Forget about her, it's hard at first but you will get over it

[foxsquirrell]

She is giving you the typical bitchness girls are made of. Slowly dump her, if you can't get to block her right there and then. And she had been honest, she does not want you as her boyfriend, and she was even blunt and told you to find another woman. What else do you need to hear from her?

If it was mutual attraction it would not be like this. Torture!

Cut her out from your life fast. I'm sure she is not going to hurt. Thrust me.

[JesseP1nk]

Block her. Delete the photos of her and focus on yourself. Workout and go out to meet new people. She keeps you as a backup. Thats why she did not say "yes" because later she can say she did not say no to you.

You need to block her and dont hangout with her to prevent this:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/VVvVSAn_g2Ehttps://www.youtube.com/embed/_pIuMXxIwZ8

[kylee2437]

I don’t need to read all of this for my decision here. 3 years with no title and you feel the need to write an entire paragraph in regards to something that holds no title value, is a massive massive red flag. I would end whatever this is. Find someone that wants to start a life with you

[Telekinetic-Potato]

I did read it and this chick is right

[Summeroflove]

Just leave her. People who ghost are cowards because they can’t just tell you what they think. It’s also possible she’s using you and keeping you on the back burner so that if nothing else works out she has you.

People who are like this when you have done everything for them to get little to none in return. BE GLAD! You’re not in a relationship with this individual because you would be absolutely miserable long term.

Find someone who shares the same time and energy that you’re putting in

[RingOfFire]

3 years is a long time to be going through the same cycle over and over again. There comes a time when you need to recognize that it's not going to work and move on no matter how difficult it is.

Can you eat a perspective from the outside. And I think that perspective is that if you can't define yourselves as a couple after 3 years you are banging your head against the wall for nothing.

It doesn't sound to me like she is treating you with love. She's hot and cold, on and off, and in my mind being disrespectful of your needs and feelings. In short it sounds like she's using you is it back stop when she needs you and ignoring you when she doesn't. It sounds very selfish.

One of the hardest things in any relationship is to give up. But the alternative is to torture yourself for more years. It would be much better to use that time looking for something more fulfilling and learn from your mistakes.

You sound like a sincere in good person. I wish you well.

[Anonymous]

I think you are telling yourself a story here. The key is it FEELS as if she is your girlfriend. And because it feels that way you are analyzing it as if it was a relationship. Take a step back and analyze this for what it is. It is two people that are lonely and clearly needing emotional intimacy of some kind but one or both parties doesn't actually want to be with the other. Living in a state of limerence is going to be more painful than actually dealing with reality. Limerence and our fantasies of what "could be" isn't as joyful as it all started to be at first.

[Finchie40]

Move on man , if she is playing games
Like that , you are best to kick her ass to the curb and move on and no longer give into her , she is clearly just using you and likes the convenience of you , when it’s convenient for her , so you are best just to ignore her ass and keep making excuses that you are busy , she will eventually get the hint that you are no longer tolerating her shit , if she ends up showing up on your doorstep , fuck her brains out lol

[bobalife]

It’s best to move on asap esp in your situation as she’s stringing you along for her own selfish benefits and validation. The longer you continue to let her do this, the harder it is to detach and you deserve more self-respect than let someone use you like that. Sorry you had to go through this…

[Aditiiii]

no.. she doesn't love you bro. as a girl i have seen a lot of girls in love the way their man is so different.. girls too show many efforts but the condition applied they should be in love too. She is not.. after reading your paragraph i can conclude she liked the attention and efforts you gave her so she kept you hanging around until she can find better but doing this for so long made her get attached to you (attached not love) and also frustrated her because their is something in u which is stopping her and making her think she can do better so.. so this attachment scared her and also faking love might be exhausting for her.. so she decided to test if she can overcome this attachment.. but i guess in 3 years she was used to the princess treatment so she returned (again not beacuse she loves u but coz she loves the way you treat her).

I gave my opinion based on what i have observed in my friends and personal experience... i could be wrong tho

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[GeminiDiamond]

It looks like she is getting cold feet. It's not you. She is haggling with personal things probably and her attention is elsewhere. Give her space. Don't call or text first. If she does first, be cool. If she wants to share what's going on, she'll tell you. Don't bombard her with questions trying to fix something.

[provokeesmokee]

Dude, don't let this happen for 3yrs next time.

If someone doesn't give back to you in the similar way you give to them, they're using you.

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[DishLady]

If a guy is running hit and cold I just ask him to focus and pick one — I pretty much don’t care which one, but I DO care about not having my time and energy wasted on games.

[luvstoned4him]

Eventually I get bored and I leave. I can't be expected to give 100 every time and you give nothing back.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

You already know deep down what time it is, cut the woman out of your life. You won’t get over her until you’ve replaced her

[PeachyPie93]

She isn't into you, she just likes your attention and what you do for her.

[Fuentes]

Tell her off make it as short as u can I'm a note pad screenshot it amd send her it so it's not abuncha msgs spamming her n go from there n if she still acts up pr ignores u. Remove her from everything n delete any photos and move on

[Fireguy17]

move on and find someone that will appreciate being with you.

[LiamJHayden]

I don't play games, so if it goes hot or cold for seemingly no reason, I end it and find a less drama-filled lady.

[Friendlybro79]

It's time to move on. I know you don't want to but you have to. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Ah the sleep on call ended? It’s definitely over. Let her go.

[Massageman]

Treat them with a lukewarm attitude.

[DarkLegacy]

I would dump her

[HaveNoName]

Give cold and cold attitude.

[NotSlowestSloth]

You got friendzoned

[TeatimewithCowboys]

Leave them behind