Girls, Obviously they aren't interested in dating me, but why do they start purposefully avoiding me?

[Anonymous]

This has happened to me a few times in life and I'm curious about what's happening here from the women's perspective.

The situation changes a little bit, but this is basically the blueprint in outline form:

• I develop a friendship with the woman. The friendship is platonic, but usually with a little hint of something more. Platonic though, so we are definitely NOT DATING, but she's also not talking to me about boy drama and that kind of thing.
• After some time of getting closer, the woman, usually start confiding in me about certain things going on in her life.
• Woman asks me for some kind of favor. Usually it's not a huge deal, but it's also usually a big enough deal that she's probably not asking just anyone for help. I'm usually happy to help with these sort of things because I believe that a rising tide lifts all boats. I don't typically expect anything in return, but if I do, I make that very clear from the jump.
• I do the favor (if I'm able to do it comfortably; I have strong boundaries about that kind of thing). AND AGAIN: I TRULY DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. And just to be clear, when I say a "favor" it could be everything from giving her a place to stay for a few days to helping to get educational loans or introducing her for a job opportunity.
• The woman says thank you and then starts to pull back from the friendship. Usually making a very intentional effort to hold me at arm's length. Think of like keeping conversations very short, not hugging anymore, not inviting me places, and that sort of thing.

Now... obviously, a woman doing that is making it clear that she isn't interested in deepening the connection. I guess I'm just kind of confused about why... I would think that someone who helps you out like that is a good person to have around. But the woman gets cold with me and doesn't even act like we're friends. It's just strange, especially if the favor is longer term, like with the loans.

Any ideas about what's happening in situations like that?

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

You see things that aren’t there. You were never friends with these women you’re just an acquaintance that helps them out. Nobody is using you, you’re just not likable as a romantic partner

[Asker]

I didn't say anyone was using me. Even if we're just friends, I really am perfectly happy to help people.

I just find it a little bit odd that they have this discomfort. If I'm such an objectionable person to be around, why wouldn't you want to get your favors from someone you like more? That's all I'm saying.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Are you sure it’s a favor and not just a basic work task?

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. It's not rocket science to figure out what requests go above and beyond a normal ask you'd make from a friend.

I don't know many people who would feel comfortable asking a casual friend (who they apparently don't like to be around) to connect them a job opportunity, or even ask them to sign a multi-year student loan commitment. Again, I really am perfectly happy to do it, I'd just like the relationship these requests are made upon to be respected. That's all

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Does your job or personal experience pertain to finances in any way? Or do you work for a well-known company?

[Asker]

Yes, although it's not with lending money. I'm an entrepreneurial lawyer and I organize venture capital transactions for businesses. My father is stock portfolio manager.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

That explains exactly why they’re asking you these things.

[Asker]

Well sure... I don't have any problem with them asking me. I know why they're asking me. My objection is to how I'm being treated after the favor is done.

If you and I develop a friendship and then, on the basis of that friendship, you ask me to help you out. If I do you the favor; I would hope it's understood that that friendship would continue beyond that point, even if they remain the same. The problem I have is that I'm being demoted after doing these favors

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

This just further proves my point: they’re not friends, they’re acquaintances and they just wanted your help for these specific things because for whatever reason your culture doesn’t allow them to just straight up ask you, they have to go through polite smalltalk before they get comfortable enough to ask and know you won’t ask for payment

[Asker]

Yeah, I mean... that must be it, right? What else could it be? But it seems really short-sighted on their part though. Unless I'm a much less pleasant person than I think.

Heck, if I had someone helping me out like that, I would keep someone like that around

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

Reflect and see