I attract clingy guys, advice?

[Hey-you]

I attract nice/clingy guys like you wouldn't believe. The kind that proposes to you after two weeks together and then latches onto you after you dump them. I'm not even sure what I'm really doing wrong since I go for typical nice guys, they seem fine and confident when we start off, I am friendly and have fun and then from one day to another sh*t GETS SERIOUS. To be honest I am starting to understand why girls would go for jerks instead.

[Markezzo]

I can give an example of a situation where I fear I was somewhat clingy, I'll give you my theory based on my personal feelings.

Me and this girl consider ourselves a bit unsocial respectively. I felt some good chemistry at first and things were going nicely. But the main difference between us is that she can appreciate being alone, but I on the other hand feel a desperate need to break out of my shell and become more outgoing. I show my interest in her constantly but she seemingly doesn't feel the need to show interest in me as much. You said in the comments that you usually just "encourage and smile from afar".

So my question to you would be: How much affection do you show for these guys?

If I don't sense a girl giving me any emotional response, be it good or bad, I will feel preassured into taking the next step to see where our relationship really stands. This is where suddenly "sh*t GETS SERIOUS" as you put it. In other words I'm always at risk of becoming clingy if I feel my girlfriend is being distant. And I don't normally like rushing a relationship either.

My suggestion is to just be clear on what pace you wanna go at and at the same time take into account what pace your partners wanna go at.

[stubbsy]

These guys are just unaware of your intentions and probably think its what you want, and to not lose you to lack of interest, they try hard to give you what they think you want. So try and make it clear in conversation of your past when you start another relationship, and add in a few lines like, "So the last thing I'm looking for at the moment is anything to serious" but make it also clear that your not looking for a jerk who is going to shag around either, so together you establish your needs and expectations and he is aware of what you expect from him. I do think though its a lack of communication, because most worthy guys wouldn't want to rush anything to quickly, because of changes that suddenly happen top the honeymoon when it seems so bloody awesome at the time lol, so stick with your initial nice guy, because you will have your talents recognised by someone worthy of them eventually, good luck,x

[Hey-you]

thanks, seems reasonable, although I think that they all knew I just casually date. I will def improve on it though.

[anita0191]

I seriously think there's a serious role reversal thing happening in our world atm where the guys are becoming the clingy ones who constantly want to be together and with their unwillingness to make the first move.

[Hey-you]

YEAH! so true! back in the day it used to be frowned upon for girls to make the first move and now... it's pretty much preferred.

[Married-in-PA]

Well, whatever it is, it's definitely a generational thing... When I was still single, back in the mid-90's, this would have been unheard of. In fact, it used to be the other way around.

Question: Are you asking these guys out, or are they asking you out? Because typically, this sets the stage for the rest of the relationship, i.e., nature of the relationship, speed at which it progresses, level of intimacy, etc.

Also, are you sending signals to these men that you want to get serious right away? Are you coming across too boldly, for instance? Are you playing hard-to-get a lot?

[Hey-you]

I agree with the generational thing. :/ I don't intentionally play hard to get, but I think it's just who I am. I like to take things slowly and unless I seriously want a guy, I will probably not chase after them. I am more the type that encourages from afar by smiling etc and then gets asked out.

[Married-in-PA]

Ahhh, that's it, then Mademoiselle... you are coming across as the A-typical Lady. The Confident One, I will call you. It's your self-esteem that is magnetic to these men... that's almost drole. So, they are falling all over you because you are a prize; these men have not encountered a woman like you yet, and because they are young, you hit their "commit" button really soon. I am smiling, because now I can see it. Try this instead: order pizza, a chick flick, and drink some beers together.

[malekoniky]

What do you do wrong?

In what way. What do you want in your life?

If you want to fight for proposal for few years and fight the guy to care for you at least a bit for whole relationship and then after marriage he will just sit on sofa and let you do all the work, then go for jerk.

If you want to fight a guy to be able to not propose to you and take things lightly. To wait a little. Not to get too personal right away and to know you. To make him fight for you and do hard thing for you and to take care for himself, then go for a nice guy!

Of course with first you won't get into clingy trouble and the second will care about you. Guess every man has positive sides and negative ones. So in the end it is your choice but don't get into impression that jerks are that good.

[Hey-you]

I want the 2nd option which is why I even go for nice but having a guy propose to you two weeks in is frankly not something I want or look for. Also, those guys cannot hear no. Once I break things off because they either were too clingy and got offended when I did not introduce them to all my friends within our first week of dating or just basically complained about how ugly and stupid they all were in comparison to me, they then go off at me or make me feel responsible for their low self esteem

[Hey-you]

I don't want a guy to put me on a pedestal. I just want a guy who appreciates me without going overboard quickly which is why I wonder what I'm doing wrong. I know I want a nice guy, but then in practice it blows up in my face and I wonder if it's something I'm doing or if this is just something nice guys do. If yes then I'm not sure if I even want to date before I'm 25 ever again. I might be after a serious relationship but this is too much too fast

Sorry, but this happened to me way too often

[malekoniky]

Maybe there is a middle man between those extremes.

And maybe there is a way to spot those clingy guys. You know them well ... so you know better how.

[Hey-you]

thanks :) I sure hope so

[malekoniky]

Seriously ... two weeks? [I thought that it is a joke ...]

[Hey-you]

I'm actually not kidding :S that's bad, right?

[malekoniky]

Pretty much!

[RavinJade]

Interesting I would have the opposite problem. I guess I'm a nice guy and I can be close for a while but then I have to withdraw into solitude to recover. Maybe you should find a nice Asbergers boyfriend who you like but he withdraws from time to time give both of you a break.

[Hey-you]

Asperger's lol. I'm sort of like that. Every time I get too close, I like withdrawing into myself for a bit to get used to it and then I'm back.

[whydogirlsmesswithme]

Damn. First off, if you are just the casual, I just f*ck around type please tell the guys. I was kind of these dudes you are talking about. But I didn't get clingy til the girl acted like she wanted more just to take it all back kinda.

Do you act like you want more?

FYI I didn't ask her to marry me lol.

[Hey-you]

I am not the type to f*** around at all, I am looking for something serious too, but not immediately right away and not with everyone to be honest. I mostly date to find out if we're compatible and guys know that since I tell them. I got my heart broken before so I try my utmost not to lead anyone on. I seriously do not see what I've been doing wrong. I think it truly might be a generational thing. And lol, good on you. :)

[whydogirlsmesswithme]

OH. Ok. So you date for the right reasons. Dating is to find out if you want to be with that person, in my opinion. FYI also, on me. I didn't get clingy until she pushed me away after banging me.

[Razztab]

As long as you would never get attached to someone at this stage in your life than look for other people that aren't focused on making a long term thing happen right now. Find someone more mellow that lives life day to day like you!

[Anonymous]

Start acting less nice lol that will scare them away

[Hey-you]

LOL very nice. I like it

[KBMC1]

"You can not offer a castle when owning a little cottage"

[Hey-you]

translation :)

[Anonymous]

youre picking guys that want something different than you..its the luck of the draw (whether they're mean or nice)

[Hey-you]

thanks. yeah, that sounds reasonable, but don't you agree that's a bit too full on or is that just normal? I'm only 19 so marriage is not really something someone wants right now or should want right now.

[Opinion Owner]

i know 22 year olds, 16 year olds. 14 and even 12 year olds, who are marrying and having sex..no age is ever really too young to have sex/marriage...according to some people..

in my personal opinion 19 is a little young to be getting married...but its w/ev

[Hey-you]

i think it's overdone too, but to each their own I guess

[Opinion Owner]

again..this isn't a site meant for personal opinion..this is about giving advice based off of facts...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Hey-you]

yeah and I was asking if it's something I do or them. so I guess it's them. problem solved.

[Opinion Owner]

well you're at fault too...i said you're picking the wrong ones..however they wouldn't be wrong if they were better..again luck of the draw, but also knowing how to pick them

like gambling :)

[Hey-you]

dating sucks in that respect. why can't we just have the right person instead of kissing frogs for what feels like forever? :/ would save me so much trouble. thanks though :)

[Opinion Owner]

cause the world continues to produce too many people that are too alike...if we controlled the population..itd be easier

[Hey-you]

maybe scientology is on the right track with all its brainwashing :)

[Opinion Owner]

im an agnostic jew..i don't believe in scientology

[Hey-you]

i think everyone in their right mind doesn't believe in scientology. I like to think I'm agnostic... but some things are just too farfetched