When you've been on GAG or the internet long enough, you are bound to meet these people in the comment party.
Your Rock
This is the Gagger who reads something you wrote and responds in a way that you swear they are an old friend. They immediately befriend you, and you immediately accept. From then on, you follow their posts and vice versa faithfully always at replying with inside jokes and comments. They also help defend you against nasty comments and always like your posts.
Mr. and Mrs. Anti-Feminist, Politico, World Hater
You're pretty sure the topic you posted was about people who love cats, but somehow this person has turned it into a rant about Feminism or politics, or how horrible the world is...again. What have some cute furry creatures got to do with feminism you wonder? They aren't even human. These GaG'ers also spend way too much time browsing for topics with certain buzz words in them so they can essentially cut and paste their pre-scripted rant based answer for every question ever posted because they literally have nothing else to say.
Mr. Sex
This is that guy who takes any topic and just answers it sexually. Don't even mention the greatest thing about people who love cats...you definitely know how he's going to answer that.
One
Leaves really well developed answers to complicated questions and takes and opinions like, "LOOOOL" or "WTF, this," or "yup," or "IDK" or "Great!" or "dis bad." They need you to know that they exist. That is all.
The Actual Homophobe, Racist, Sexist
Yeah, sure the topic is controversial, and there are a few off color comments going back and fourth, but this one person is in earnest saying truly racist, sexist, homophobic things and saying things that have no actual bearing on reality whatsoever. They make no attempts to censor, actively call people derogatory names and rant about how this or that person is ruining the world for people like them. You want to believe they are just a troll, but disturbingly, you become aware that they really believe what they are saying. The thumbs downs and negative comments in response from even the previously most die hard commenters are stacking up against them, but they keep going on spewing hate to the point where, it's about the time to exercise a 'block' It's funny, you weren't even aware they got internet in the backwoods.
The Everything and Everyone is a Homophobe, Racist, Sexist
This Gag'er is mad about the world and everyone in it. Even if you agree with something they said, they jump on you for not doing more than just agreeing to say hate and stereotypes are wrong. Even if the conversation was innocent and people were bantering back and forth cordially, they turn it into an everyone is wrong hear me roar standing on the steps of liberty argument that it really didn't need to be.
The Novelist
...and then in 1812 America passed a series of laws that closed its ports to British ships that were loaded with goods they planned to sell in the U.S....and wtf, why is this person's comment a full 4,000 characters long single spaced no breaks? Wasn't the question, what's your favorite color?
The Emoid
This person always asks questions about desperately wanting friends, or dates, or how to connect with family, and whenever anyone answers positively and tries to give them really solid advice, they immediately refuse to accept it. They talk down about themselves, and how they would try that, but it's too hard. You try your best to inject positivity and offer support, but they won't even respond to you with anything other than, but that works for everyone else on the planet but them.
The Fact Checker
Oh did you just write your personal--->opinion<--- on the political campaign? Um, not without a work cited pages, I hope. This person wants to see an entire list of your sources because you can't have an opinion on something without a binders worth of links, newspaper clippings, and book references. Then when you dare provide a link or links or cite your source, they scream about how those links are not credible sources and how they have a list of sources that are the only ones they choose to believe. Oh and don't ever mention the "evil" media to them. Trust me.
The, Never Read It
This is the person who leaves you a 6 paragraph rant using a lot of caps and a lot of exclamation points for your take that they clearly didn't read beyond the title. They blast you about how wrong you are, you don't know anything, they explain how they know everything about everything, they go on about how much of an apparently a--hole you are. You can smell the smoke coming from their ears from your own computer. If they are half way decent people when you point out this fact to them, they will tail between their legs and apologize, but mainly they just ignore you and keep ranting if they cannot except the truth.
Mr. and Mrs. That's Not Important
Gag is filled with twenty-one topics ranging from flirting to education to food, and yet this person feels there is only one type of topic of importance and they like to tell everyone about it. Do you have cancer and want to talk about your feelings, that's not important because someone has a worse cancer than you. Do you want to rant about Kimye vs. Taylor Swift...what about the rare Ethiopian platypus that's being killed off by poachers. Are you discussing your issues with trying to gain muscle, by God, the pollution in the environment is going to kill us all. Instead of actually doing anything about any of the problems they want you to talk about, they do nothing but tell people they exist. Repeatedly.
This is PERSONAL, Damn It!
This person asks a question/poll for which most of humanity has decided there is one right opinion which apparently doesn't mesh well with the asker. They take it extremely personally like everyone commenting has a vendetta against them. They go comment by comment telling everyone their opinion is stupid or wrong and that the only way is their way. They begin to make personal comments about the perfect strangers, you, they know nothing about. Jesus, they're now threatening to eat your entire family. That escalated rather quickly.
They're Going To Answer Everything
The question you've asked is pretty straight forward: "Describe your car," for example. This person answers with, I don't have a car. Face palm.
Trolls
Absolutely no desire to create community or voice a real opinion, they just go about saying inflammatory things. The more advanced ones write entire takes meant to inflame.
Troll Blind
Everyone knows the person commenting is a troll and doesn't take the bait, except for this person. They are determined to win the most useless of arguments, and no matter how many warning signs are up that say, don't feed the troll, they continue to throw it more ammunition. I mean one or two back and forths, sure...but 19, really 19 and all of them are 3 comments worth of dialogue each. Come on now, it's just getting sad.
Teacher
They like to tell you that you made 2 mistakes in your take or your misspelled a word. They feel it is their civic duty to auto-correct the world. They refuse to believe that any individual can make a simple error or God forbid, English is not your first language, or you have a writing disability, they go off on how many errors you have and how that must equate with your stupidity. They can see the errors in everyone else, yet they fail to see the glaring errors in their own lives.
The Unicorn
Sometimes you get so used to hearing from all of the above, that you are actually shocked that the comment or question that's infuriated you or made you really think deeply before you answer, has a real person behind it who wants to...actually...talk...and discuss...the topic. Not argue uselessly, not troll, not demand copious facts, but just actually talk to you. They truly give you a different POV, or want your advice, help, and tips or to just talk. Twenty replies later you feel like your faith in GAG humanity has been restored.
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