After reading a lot of thoughts on the seemingly age-old dating credo "nice guys finish last", I felt I had to throw my $0.02 into the pot and chime in on this issue.
According to the adage, guys who are "nice" in any endeavor of life (but especially dating) will end up lonely and unfulfilled, unhappy, etc. And to that, I say "BS!" It's false, a fallacy!
Echoing my sentiments from a previous comment - it's not nice guys that finish last in life, it's passive ones. Ones that don't take responsibility for their own choices or the consequences of those choices, don't believe in themselves enough, don't stand up for themselves, and don't summon the courage to initiate interaction with the opposite sex. Yet, who feel justified in blaming anything or anyone else for their own lack of success in life, whether it pertains to dating or other matters. THOSE are the guys that finish last.
If anyone has seen some of my answers on the site, or read my first article on confidence, then they know that I'm a reformed shy guy. I didn't have my first date until I was 20, and my relationships with the opposite sex were nil until I overcame my shyness.
It's not nice guys that finish last in life, it's passive ones.
So for any shy guys out there reading this, I know all too well where you're coming from and how painful it can be sometimes. I'm not targeting this article towards you, but more at the passive-aggressive whiners out there who bemoan their low standing in the dating world, while not noticing that they're driving away potential dates with their martyr-intensive, "woe-is-me" mentality.
So to the shy guys out there who DON'T fit that description - trust me fellas, I've got your back. At the same time shy guys, make the conscious effort to talk to women! They're regular people too - and your sincere efforts may result in some very positive progress.
Here's a hypothetical situation:
If a man approaches a woman acting very "friend-ly" and doesn't flirt or tease, convey interest, or acts needy/insecure, should he really be surprised if some women don't view him as a dating prospect? Or what about the "nice guy pretenders", who comprise one of the largest Rogue's Galleries in the dating world? If some guys are putting on a false facade of "niceness" to try and attract women, then that's called manipulation and having an agenda - please excuse me if my sympathy level for them is non-existent.
In contrast, for those guys out there without ulterior motives and who truly are good people, I feel for you - they are the guys who get the bad rap. Because of the incessant number of deceptive creepers out there pretending to be "nice", the guys who truly are good people often get painted with the same brush. It's unfortunate, but the deceptive creepers I spoke of are emulating the sincere traits of these good guys, and some women can't distinguish between the two. Which is not necessarily their fault, sometimes it's just difficult to see where a guy is coming from, and that's totally understandable.
For guys who may feel pigeon-holed into that "nice guy" stereotype, think about this: are you being "nice" to achieve a desired result in dating, or are you truly a caring person on the inside?
Which brings me to another key character trait lacking in some guys: assertiveness.
Some guys out there think they're doing good in the world by putting everyone else's needs ahead of their own, relegating their own desires to second-tier status, and who expect to be pinned with a medal for their years of personal self-sacrifice. I'm sorry, but the world just doesn't work that way. It's completely natural and healthy to put yourself first at times, whether it concerns your health, professional matters, love life, etc.
Last time I checked, "doormat" wasn't a character trait seen as respectable by either gender.
It kills me to see this, but some guys so desperately want the love and affection of others that they will completely subjugate themselves to achieve that - while at the same time, making themselves appear to be spineless doormats. The last time I checked, "doormat" wasn't a character trait seen as respectable by either gender. Putting yourself first sometimes for the important things in your life is not only right and healthy, but it's expected, and a necessary component to making personal progress - and I repeat, it is NOT selfish to do so (as long as you're not someone who always does that, of course). It's possible to both make your important needs a priority, and help fulfill other people too, and that balance is the healthiest and most desirable personal "zone", so to speak.
Also, if you think people are unfairly taking advantage of you, stand up and take steps to prevent it! Show those people that they can't walk all over you, or they'll continue to do it.
- Stop being passive! Put yourself first at times
- Don't be a doormat
- Make your important needs a priority
- Don't let others walk all over you
- Don't be afraid to show other positive qualities
But that aside, here's a point for the truly sincere males to consider: what other reasons should a woman date you besides being a "nice" guy? Are you interesting, handsome, outgoing, funny, proactive, artistic, athletic, or any number of other reasons why a woman could be attracted to you? It's great that you're friendly, caring and polite - by all means, don't change that. I'm just saying that the odds of a woman being attracted to a guy based on his nice personality alone aren't very high.
However, if he is someone that is successful, has an interesting life, etc. and is a nice guy in addition to that, he stands a much better chance than a guy whose only positive attribute is his niceness. If you guys out there possess those positive qualities I just mentioned or other unique traits, don't be afraid to show them! Revel in them! Chances are, there's women out there looking for special souls such as yourselves.
In conclusion, I say this: to the guys out there who are putting on a fake show of "niceness" in the hopes of attracting women, I very much hope that you change your ways. Because not only is your deception wrong and self-serving, you're also making it that much harder for the truly good men out there to be trusted due to your wolf-in-sheep's clothing act.
And to you truly good guys out there who may still be looking for your special someone, I salute you, sirs. Your positive personality attributes are seen as attractive and your continued efforts will eventually pay off, because you are putting your TRUE self forward.