Nice Guys Finish Last = Fallacy, Passive & Deceptive Guys Finish Last

After reading a lot of thoughts on the seemingly age-old dating credo "nice guys finish last", I felt I had to throw my $0.02 into the pot and chime in on this issue.

According to the adage, guys who are "nice" in any endeavor of life (but especially dating) will end up lonely and unfulfilled, unhappy, etc. And to that, I say "BS!" It's false, a fallacy!

Echoing my sentiments from a previous comment - it's not nice guys that finish last in life, it's passive ones. Ones that don't take responsibility for their own choices or the consequences of those choices, don't believe in themselves enough, don't stand up for themselves, and don't summon the courage to initiate interaction with the opposite sex. Yet, who feel justified in blaming anything or anyone else for their own lack of success in life, whether it pertains to dating or other matters. THOSE are the guys that finish last.

If anyone has seen some of my answers on the site, or read my first article on confidence, then they know that I'm a reformed shy guy. I didn't have my first date until I was 20, and my relationships with the opposite sex were nil until I overcame my shyness.

It's not nice guys that finish last in life, it's passive ones.

So for any shy guys out there reading this, I know all too well where you're coming from and how painful it can be sometimes. I'm not targeting this article towards you, but more at the passive-aggressive whiners out there who bemoan their low standing in the dating world, while not noticing that they're driving away potential dates with their martyr-intensive, "woe-is-me" mentality.

So to the shy guys out there who DON'T fit that description - trust me fellas, I've got your back. At the same time shy guys, make the conscious effort to talk to women! They're regular people too - and your sincere efforts may result in some very positive progress.

Nice guys!
Nice guys!

Here's a hypothetical situation:

If a man approaches a woman acting very "friend-ly" and doesn't flirt or tease, convey interest, or acts needy/insecure, should he really be surprised if some women don't view him as a dating prospect? Or what about the "nice guy pretenders", who comprise one of the largest Rogue's Galleries in the dating world? If some guys are putting on a false facade of "niceness" to try and attract women, then that's called manipulation and having an agenda - please excuse me if my sympathy level for them is non-existent.

In contrast, for those guys out there without ulterior motives and who truly are good people, I feel for you - they are the guys who get the bad rap. Because of the incessant number of deceptive creepers out there pretending to be "nice", the guys who truly are good people often get painted with the same brush. It's unfortunate, but the deceptive creepers I spoke of are emulating the sincere traits of these good guys, and some women can't distinguish between the two. Which is not necessarily their fault, sometimes it's just difficult to see where a guy is coming from, and that's totally understandable.

For guys who may feel pigeon-holed into that "nice guy" stereotype, think about this: are you being "nice" to achieve a desired result in dating, or are you truly a caring person on the inside?

Which brings me to another key character trait lacking in some guys: assertiveness.

Some guys out there think they're doing good in the world by putting everyone else's needs ahead of their own, relegating their own desires to second-tier status, and who expect to be pinned with a medal for their years of personal self-sacrifice. I'm sorry, but the world just doesn't work that way. It's completely natural and healthy to put yourself first at times, whether it concerns your health, professional matters, love life, etc.

Last time I checked, "doormat" wasn't a character trait seen as respectable by either gender.

It kills me to see this, but some guys so desperately want the love and affection of others that they will completely subjugate themselves to achieve that - while at the same time, making themselves appear to be spineless doormats. The last time I checked, "doormat" wasn't a character trait seen as respectable by either gender. Putting yourself first sometimes for the important things in your life is not only right and healthy, but it's expected, and a necessary component to making personal progress - and I repeat, it is NOT selfish to do so (as long as you're not someone who always does that, of course). It's possible to both make your important needs a priority, and help fulfill other people too, and that balance is the healthiest and most desirable personal "zone", so to speak.

Also, if you think people are unfairly taking advantage of you, stand up and take steps to prevent it! Show those people that they can't walk all over you, or they'll continue to do it.

- Stop being passive! Put yourself first at times
- Don't be a doormat
- Make your important needs a priority
- Don't let others walk all over you
- Don't be afraid to show other positive qualities

But that aside, here's a point for the truly sincere males to consider: what other reasons should a woman date you besides being a "nice" guy? Are you interesting, handsome, outgoing, funny, proactive, artistic, athletic, or any number of other reasons why a woman could be attracted to you? It's great that you're friendly, caring and polite - by all means, don't change that. I'm just saying that the odds of a woman being attracted to a guy based on his nice personality alone aren't very high.

However, if he is someone that is successful, has an interesting life, etc. and is a nice guy in addition to that, he stands a much better chance than a guy whose only positive attribute is his niceness. If you guys out there possess those positive qualities I just mentioned or other unique traits, don't be afraid to show them! Revel in them! Chances are, there's women out there looking for special souls such as yourselves.

In conclusion, I say this: to the guys out there who are putting on a fake show of "niceness" in the hopes of attracting women, I very much hope that you change your ways. Because not only is your deception wrong and self-serving, you're also making it that much harder for the truly good men out there to be trusted due to your wolf-in-sheep's clothing act.

And to you truly good guys out there who may still be looking for your special someone, I salute you, sirs. Your positive personality attributes are seen as attractive and your continued efforts will eventually pay off, because you are putting your TRUE self forward.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • They do finish last. Most women can't stand shy quiet men. They will never admit it, because it makes them look shallow, so they'll say things like "Oh, shy men are adorable" but in reality they will always take the loud aggressive baffoon over the nice guy every time. Apparently if you lack the skills to make a girl laugh you are socially unacceptable. To preserve their own sanity, many nice guys have given up and completely ignore women.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Took me months to convince my girlfriend she could trust me, she saw my shyness was genuine and now because of her I have a new found confidence in everything I do. Before her I did have one other girlfriend but I did not even have the courage to kiss her after 2 weeks before she left me. The first few weeks I was with my current one I was so scared of letting myself fall in love in case I was hurt or I told her things I don't tell anyone else, once I opened up I realised how just because I had a bad

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What Girls Said 10

  • ...super exuberant persona and thus, was placed squarely in the 'outgoing' category. Funny this is I met a guy who was the opposite, very self assured but outwardly shy -- short story long I now don't spaz all the time in public situations, and he's cool with crowded rooms. I feel like we both fit into the shy, and 'nice' categories in different ways, but other traits have allowed us to grow past those labels. Bottom line: I'd much rather interact with genuine and interesting people, than jerks.

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  • This article makes so much SENSE. And I do think it can apply to both guys and girls, or course there will be twists involved, but the basics are there. I also like reading it because there are different sorts of shy, in the past I didn't date because I felt like a fish out of water with anything that remotely involved affection or any interaction that wasn't strictly platonic, distanced and therefore safe. However, externally most people never guessed because I compensated with this

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  • Some of these guys do not need to be encouraged to assert themselves, they need to be advised to see a counselor to get over their "mommy issues". The passive also have an aggressive side that can lay dormant for years. The nice guy, the one who portrays the beaten down good dad, victim of an ex wife and evil shrew can actually believe he's so nice and deny his nasty aggressive side exists, even when it's shown it's ugly head. DANGEROUS and an exercise in futility. Send him to a mental ward.

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    • I think there is a lot of wisdom behind this... it shouldn’t be forgotten.

  • Even though you posted this 7 mths ago. I just registered today. I really liked what you had to say. This is coming from a married woman. I wish more men and women had your point of view. Maybe then there would be a lot of healthy relationships out there. I know all too well about being shy and not until I met my husband did I come out of my shell. We are going strong for almost 10 years. Bumpy ride but, well worth it. I wish everyone luck in finding that special someone.

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  • I like this article, and I think girls as well as guys can learn a lot from it, such as how to assert yourself, how to correctly project your unique personality, and how to see how your actions affect people's perceptions of everyone else.

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  • I wish you could personally coach about a million guys!

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  • This is all insightful and just makes sense. Thanks for summing it up better than I could

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  • Please share this with every guy in the world!!

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  • AMEN!!!! You ROCK. love that you're a dude too

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  • THANK YOU.

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What Guys Said 28

  • Yeah this article is making a pretty big generalization, I mean it is a good point that "passive" guys are usually less successful but that doesn't mean that its always all the guys fault when he isn't becoming successful. Most men aren't extremely successful with girls no matter how nice they are, things just aren't right. I don't think this is because all these men are passive.

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  • Past, it didn't make me a bad person. She has had a rough past too, way more than I would ever wish upon anyone although probably one of the least painful I've heard of. Now, we feel like the happiest people alive. Sometimes I am shy with things but with her maybe I wasn't confident but wass comfortable so it was a lot easier. Always remember to be yourself

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  • Thanks for writing, Gerald - and it's true, they are out there. They're interesting to watch, mostly because when some of them try to pick up women, they end up outsmarting themselves, and the woman sees right through them. But just in case some women don't recognize it, I included that situation in this article.

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  • I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thank you for the kind words. Obviously I could only write from my own experience as a man, but some of the advice contained above could definitely apply for women as well. And if it helps out or benefits the awesome and amazing group of "nice girls" out there, then I'd feel pretty great about that 8-)

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  • I agree - it's a tough reality, but the fact is that more often, shy and quiet people have to adjust to the rest of the world, instead of the world being more accepting of them. I do believe that nice guys still have a chance, but the trick is that they have to make their presence known - they can't just stand back in the proverbial shadows, say or do nothing, and expect to spark a woman's interest.

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  • If only everyone could have such healthy self-esteem, though. Unfortunately, some people become so down on themselves that they need to be reminded of their better qualities And yes, people should want to be successful/happy for themselves, but an added side benefit to that mindset is that having healthy self-esteem and ambition attracts other people.

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  • In retrospect, perhaps that particular choice of words was a bit much, but I think the point about some guys being fake in order to attract women stands. I saw it more when I was in high school and college - not as much afterward, but still enough that I thought it was worth mentioning. Thank you for the response.

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  • Girls want sperm from the Alpha (Dark Triad Personality traits). Betas are for getting married to after they hit the well and to take care of the Alpha baby like a cuck.

    Don't be deceived, gentlemen. When that 40 year old with a two kids from a douchebag wants you she just wants your money and stability. She's not sexually attracted to you. MGTOW.

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    • And some guys are into that! The system works!

    • 7d

      @MarketData Yes, some guys are cucks and desperate. Most guys think she really loves you and put up with the demon spawn.

      As more and more men become Red Pill single moms will be avoided like they have AIDS.

  • This article is very true. As a kid I was kind of shy but, never to the point of being in the "shadows". I never had many problems approaching or talking to girls and, the vast majority of people I hung out with were girls. That all changed after a couple of bad experiences. Now I'm shy and very uncomfortable around women. Some days are better than others and I know I'll get back to where I was eventually. It's just going to take time and courage. But, people need to learn...

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  • Well I grew up being quiet and shy in a world full of pushing and shove. You do have some valid points. I think the addage may apply to women who would pick an as whole over a man they know would treat them well. Some but not all of that phenomenon could be suffering from low self worth and psychologically feel they deserve to be treated bad.

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  • Thank you for the kind words, and welcome to the website. If this article could help even just one fellow person out there, I would consider it a job well done. Congrats too on your decade of happiness with your husband. :-)

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  • the key really is pulling the trigger.

    Nice guys approach a woman and she's into him but he just sticks around in nice mode for so long expecting her to be the one to make the move. He waits so long she just dismisses him as uninterested.

    That was always my problem back when I was a lad. A problem born out of growing up in a really small town. In the city though there's really no excuse.

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  • If you have to sit and actually think about what makes you a great person, you're probably trying to hard. I'm successful and happy because I WANT to be, for myself, not because I think it will be more attractive to women.

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  • The article has several valid points. But the idea that of a "wolf-in-sheep's clothing" "putting on a fake show of 'niceness' in the hopes of attracting women," is just a little bit absurd. A villain pretending to be nice so he can get girls doesn't really make sense. At the same time, a major point is made about how being nice is not attractive by itself. I think most of the problems from being nice come from women who are not mature enough to appreciate it!

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  • That was powerful brother.

    But some guys here actually believe that if they are nice to women, they should get some sex in return.

    Weirdness.

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  • Absolutely - be a first-rate version of yourself, rather than a second-rate imitation of someone else. I'm glad to hear that things worked out for you.

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  • That's definitely true, -0x0-. There is a limited window of opportunity to make the first move when you meet someone, and it's crucial to capitalize on that in the moment.

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  • Girls have a different opinion on nice guys. I'll just leave this here.

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  • Flipside: on that last line, I couldn't agree more!

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  • Thank you much - I appreciate the comment, thanks for reading!

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  • Thanks for the kind words, I am very glad you liked it! :-)

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  • This article hits the nail on the head spot on, the real problem isn't that so called "nice guys" are pretending to be nice so much as that they aren't self-aware of their actions. The reason why most "nice guys" act that way is because they're conditioned to act that way. They grew up on the core belief that "good" behaviour gets rewarded, in the dating world this translates to the belief that being "nice" to somebody will eventually reward them with their ultimate end goal: sex and/or a relationship. Of course, in reality, this isn't how it works. When being "nice" fails to reward the nice guy, he gets frustrated because his belief system lied to him, yet he might continue his cycle anyway since it's all he knows. He isn't self aware in the sense he doesn't even realize his actions are rooted in an ulterior motive, he doesn't realize that his "niceness" is actually manipulative behaviour in itself, he genuinely believes that he really is a "nice guy".

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    • i more than nice i a care'ing person an love chating but i ge shy some time but i learn to fight it

  • Nice article. I never knew there would be guys who fake "nice" just to get girls.

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  • Thanks Superman, glad you enjoyed it!

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  • well i'm one of these man and feel proud for that

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  • Damn good article- you simply told the truth.

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  • What’s your opinion on someone with Asperger syndrome in these type of situations?

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  • Nice guys are pathetic

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