Why Being A Nice Guy Is Stupid

[Anonymous]

First of all, I do NOT mean all guys who are nice. NO I am not telling you all to be douchebags. Also, this is for both sexes.

What I want to know is, why do you do it?

Okay, I am not perfect in this sense. I was a "nice guy" all throughout high school to girls waiting for them to see something more. But let me tell you, it will NOT happen. In some rare cases it might, but being a nice guy and letting girls walk all over you is completely idiotic.

^ Get out of this mentality. That's not how it works, just because you're nice to a girl doesn't mean she's obligated to like you. And that's how a lot of nice guys minds work, not all, but a lot.

Trust me, I thought being a nice guy and doing everything for the girl I liked was the right thing to do. But it most definitely is not. And by the way, I am a nice guy still. But I will never let another girl walk all over me and use me the way the last one did.

One of the biggest problems nice guys have, is not telling their feelings. You guys do not understand how much this matters. Get it out of the way at the very beginning so that you don't develop real feelings whenever the girl never will.

If she doesn't feel the same, you have 2 options:

1. Accept it, and stay her friend through it all. But DO NOT expect something magical to happen. It most likely will not, and you hoping for it won't make it any more likely to happen. If you choose this option, make sure your feelings are not strong. If they are too strong, and you can't imagine never being with them, then you need to go with option 2.

2. Tell her you can't be friends in the nicest way you can, and get over it. Do not resent her for her decision on who she wants to date. What would you do if a girl you are not attracted to was your friend, and she had hope in the back of her mind? Most likely, you wouldn't even realize how much that girl potentially liked you because YOU don't have those feelings. How can you expect this girl you're after to know what you feel?

I know it is hard to say "let's not be friends", but the sooner you do this, the better. People don't realize that feelings get stronger over time, and most likely what you're feeling for this person at the beginning is lust. Not love, lust has the same feelings of love, but it is not love.

Also, you might want to look at this chart before you go making assumptions that you "love" this person. And by the way, this chart is not 100% accurate. Because I felt the feelings of love according to it, but late found out it was lust. Lust isn't only sexual, it can be emotional too.

I'm sure there are multiple myTakes and questions about this subject on this site. But I really felt like I needed to post my opinion. And by the way, like I said at the beginning, I am not trying to bash people for being nice. I am tired of seeing so many people try to get someone that obviously doesn't have feelings for them, and they get walked all over and think they're doing to right thing. I know how it feels, I've been there multiple times in my life, and it is NOT fun. If you want to be nice, talk to them and get to know them. Establish feelings at the very beginning, don't wait until you're losing their attention to make your move. I've done that to, and it doesn't work. I've been friends with girls who I probably could have gotten at the beginning, but I was too afraid to say anything and wasn't truly sure about my own feelings. But you have to establish that you find them attractive at least. You don't have to get in a relationship then and there, just make sure you're confident in your approach and make it clear that you potentially like them. And then see how they reciprocrate.

Just don't wait till the last minute, or even worse, never tell them how you feel. Doing everything for someone is never a good thing. Be generous, but not too generous to where the other person might think you're creepy.

And most importantly, love yourself before ever loving someone else! If you don't value yourself, you can never expect people to value you. Loving yourself is easier said then done, but it isn't impossible!

[Bluemax]

@amazon-boy

So as not to stuff her inbox, I'm replying to you here.

" he explicitly stated that he did "nice" things for girls he liked."
Yes, I know. He also never said he did nice things exclusively to women he liked. Neither you nor I know if he did MANY kind acts to people he had no romantic interest in, as he may very well have done. Because he did some kind acts with ulterior motives by no means he did all or even most kind acts with an ulterior motive. The fact that he might have done some kind acts with ulterior motives doesn't at all negate all the other kind acts he may have done without ulterior motives. Have you ever done something that wasn't kind (that's rhetorical, and if you answer anything other than "yes," I will assume I'm not dealing with an honest man)? Does the fact that you have done some unkind things negate and completely nullify all the other kind acts you may have done? I think not. If some unkind acts negate the kind acts we have done, and in order to be considered "nice," a person must NEVER have done anything unkind or with an ulterior motive, than no one in the human race is nice, including you.

"I do nice things for people all the time"

And yet two sentences later, you say...

"I refuse to call them nice things"

How do you reconcile those two statements? You very much indeed called them "nice things."

For the record, I have no problem whatsoever in people calling their own actions nice or kind.

[myTake Owner]

Thank you man, I think people blew this subject way out of perspective. And I think a lot of people got confused by me saying "nice guys" and nice guys, because they mean different things to me. "Nice guys" are the stereotypical "nice guy syndrome" guys.

But yes I've done kind things for people, male or female, whether I've liked them or not. I've also done things for girl, who I did like, but either did it anonymously or expected nothing from it. I have also done kind things, expecting something in return, but I know that is not right now. But I have never shamed a girl for not liking me back, I've been pissed and upset, but never bashed them for it.

I made this post hoping that some "nice guys" read it and hopefully it makes an impact on them, so they can think clearer. Which is optimistic because lust, and love for a matter of fact, cloud your judgement drastically. I never took advice when I was in that position, I can only hope some do.

[amazon-boy]

If an old lady falls out of her chair, anyone with a shred of humanity is going to help her out hence this should not be considered a "nice act", But if I let a girl cut in line at the cafeteria or walk halfway across the room to grab a chair for her then I'm being a doormat. I think the term "nice guys" should not be conflated with "doormat" That's all I'm saying. I hate it when girls say "awwe, ur so kind/nice" Just don't give anyone preferential treatment.

[myTake Owner]

@amazon-boy You'd be surprised, I guarantee a lot of people in my city would just walk past an old lady falling out of a chair. And some girls don't me "aww" as in "your a friend" way. I've had girls flirt, and they say aww and stuff because they think it's cute. Not always the case, but sometimes. And I refer to the "nice guys" I talked in my post as a stereotypical "nice guy". Normal nice guys, should just want to be a normal guy. Not an asshole, and doesn't do every single thing the girl asks.

Nobody gives nice girls the title of "nice girls" or "bad girls". Well they do say bad bitch, but that's a good thing because it's like saying someone is hot. Why is it only guys that have these titles?

[Bluemax]

@amazon-boy
I strongly disagree that your example shouldn't be called "nice". Even though I agree with you that it's something that should be done, I will call such actions "nice".

Now you clearly used the term "nice" to describe some of your own actions (while two sentences later writing that you refuse to call your actions "nice"). If helping an old lady up isn't nice, what are some of your own actions that you would call nice?

People who refuse to call kind actions for what they are in my opinion aren't really aware of how innately unkind many people can be.

[REALisRARE]

"One of the biggest problems nice guys have, is not telling their feelings. You guys do not understand how much this matters. Get it out of the way at the very beginning so that you don't develop real feelings whenever the girl never will."

I think this is the most important part. My best friend for years was in the "like a brother zone" because I didn't know he liked me. I just assumed his feelings were sisterly towards me. Not until around 20? Did he do this...

"2. Tell her you can't be friends in the nicest way you can, and get over it." But he still never told me the reason and I was heart broken. Not until later when I was married and he ws engaged did his good friend tell me the reason why.

So I agree... tell her and get it out there in the open from day one! Let her know your feelings, because we're not all good at reading your mind and ladies like myself just assume that you really are just "a nice guy".

[chriss]

everything here is wrong what you are saying because everyone has different personalities so how can every nice guy be the same when there is all sorts of different personalities out there? it doesn't make sense.

also i am sure you are married to a nice guy but has a different personality everyone out there

do you know how many times girls thought i liked them when i had no feelings for them when it's just because of my personality?

[myTake Owner]

Yeah it's not exactly the easiest thing to say. Okay, so take my last time I dealt with this for example. I hadn't seen her in months, so I kept saying to myself I need to get over it and move on and not talk to her. I would have a plan of exactly what to say, and then she would randomly text me and I would completely freeze up and wasn't able to say what I wanted to say. I did that a couple times, and then I didn't see her for a long time and that's when I just said you know what, I'm done with this. It's weird tho, because my heart raced so fast whenever I saw her name on my phone, I felt very panicked, but I finally told her I don't want to talk to her and it didn't exactly end on very good terms. But oh well, I needed to do it.

[REALisRARE]

@chriss I'm not saying that they are all the same. Of course there are different personalities out there and guys, like you mentioned, who don't like you at all and are just a friend. What I am saying is that if you're not just a nice guy and you like the girl, tell her, because you both could be missing so much.

[REALisRARE]

Yeah it can be hard to put yourself out there, and sometimes just getting a clean break and moving on is best.

[myTake Owner]

But some people won't do that, even tho they know it's better for them to just move on.

[CancerianMan81]

I do from the get go problem is the women don't want to put their heart in it women nowadays only want to be one sided

[cth96190]

When I was young, I was the stereotypical nice guy. I was polite to girls and put them on a pedestal. That was what my mother had taught me to do.
It took me until I was almost 30 to realise that was the opposite of what was necessary to be successful with girls.
Why?
Because millions of years of natural selection has hard wired the female brain to be attracted to strong alpha males. Those who have studied neuroscience know that the brain continues to develop until about age 25. The adolescent brain is characterised by poor decision making, because it is not good at considering the consequences of choices. Boys take stupid risks. Girls make stupid decisions, in terms of the male company that they choose.
Add to this lack of life experience and lack of cognitive maturity, a mindfuck that is administered by Hollywood, which beams into the heads of girls the narrative of the girl from a good family who falls for a bad boy from the wrong side of town. Only she can see his heart of gold. Her father cannot see the boy's positive qualities and is often the villain of the story.
This is deliberate Pavlovian conditioning administered by the Marxist social engineers who run Hollywood.
The result is that young females identify (wrongly) the sociopathic bad boys as alpha males. They cannot see them for the losers and scum that they are. That epiphany happens usually around age 25 to 30. For some women, it does not happen. Trailer parks are full of such women.
About age 25 to 30, the majority of females begin to be able to distinguish between the faux strength of the ill-mannered and criminally-inclined bad boy and a true alpha male. Unfortunately for some females, by that time they have one or more Mini Me versions of a bad boy snapping at their ankles, so no self-respecting decent man will touch them.
Investing one's resource in raising the offspring of another male is contrary to good evolutionary biology, so this is a matter of instinct for men.
For young males, my advice would be to stop putting girls on pedestals. To stop showing interest in females altogether might work well.
About age 30 I took the decision that women and the bad boys deserved each other, so I walked away. I stopped trying to date and stopped showing interest in any way.
It was not long before women began to come sniffing around and showing interest in ways that would have been unthinkable when they are I were younger. It happens to this day.

[myTake Owner]

I agree for the most part, but I believe the "nice guys" and the girls that go for bad boys are pretty much the same problem. It all comes from a lot of "wanting what they can't have", because they are young. But not every female goes for douchebags, and not every male is a doormat for girls. They are just a part of it, too big of a part if you ask me, but still only a part.

And as far as the girls mistaking douchebags for alpha males has to do with the instincts we were born with. Men were made to be strong survival leaders, and women were made to be nurturers and caretakers. Obviously not all women want to be caretakers, and not all men want to be leaders because we don't have to fight for survival. But the majority or guys want to be strong, and girls want to be nurturers typically.

And the girls see douches as strong because they are confident and aren't scared to say anything. "Nice guys" are not typically confident, and don't say how they feel.

[myTake Owner]

So then we end up with the girls saying "All guys are the same" and guys saying "All girls like douchebags".

[thorthorley]

I think people misinterpret what being 'nice' is and having the 'nice guy syndrome'.

The reason girls dont like guys who have 'nice guy syndrome' is not bc theyre nice. Its bc of all the unattractive qualities that he possesses such as being weak and doing everything she says. He has no backbone to make decisions for himself and not solely live to serve her. It makes you look like a low level servant or slave to her and is unattractive. There are more qualities obviously and you can read about 'nice guy syndrome' to find out.

Being nice is a good thing and girls want to be treated well but not to the point where you are a suckup. When girls say they want a man. They mean they want a strong individual who leads them, protects them, and makes his own decisions and doesn't take crap from no-one. A big mistake that guys with 'nice guy syndrome' have is they always do what others say bc that is the 'nice' thing to do. Be a man and make your own decisions and pull her up if she does something wrong. This is what is attractive and what girls want.

[IcyBastet]

Exactly!

[myTake Owner]

Exactly, I already know this. When I say "nice guys", I mean the ones that live to serve the girl and don't have the backbone to say no. I am not saying being nice is stupid, I'm saying being a "nice guy" is stupid. I'm a nice person, but I won't let girls step on me. Anymore. I have in the past, but I've learned from my mistakes and would rather just stay single than chase an empty dream. I think everyone should be nice, but like you said, not be a doormat for girls. Because it is unattractive. But the "nice guys" don't realize that, so they do what they think is "right" which is actually making it worse and then they shame the girl for not liking them. Guys as a whole just need to learn to have confidence in themselves, that's why I added the photo that said "Find yourself before you find love" at the end, because you need to love yourself instead of expecting someone else to love you to fill the gap.

[Joc4Position]

I don't really think about being a nice guy or bad guy or whatever. In highschool I was a quiet dork so to speak. Highschoolers are still little kids viewing from hindsight. They aren't adults. They still haven't fully developed. They are still immature. So of course there are going to be plenty of guys who aren't "men" or what the girls want. Of course there are going to be plenty of girls who are superfical and immature. They are young and they are still kids.

So highschool really doesn't matter is pretty much what I'm saying. It doesn't count. Some highschools are nice, but for the ones who are full of immature people well what do you really want from kids?

For some guys though the mentality that nice guys finish last still stays with them. Sad situation really. I think like someone else said on here the nice guy definition varies. There are various definitions to the word. Also, I believe most guys are a combination. I know I am. There are some qualities of mine they may be seen as "nice" and qualities of mine that may be seen as "bad".

Like you said people should just love themselves. Be who you are. Trying to be nice or not nice is idiotic. Doesn't matter who you are most females don't like guys who are fake and if they do then when will they find out who you really are? And if they know you're fake then are they fake themselves? I'm all about being real. That's what females like the most from my experience. Be real. Be you.

[IcyBastet]

YES!

[Joc4Position]

@IcyBastet :)

[myTake Owner]

Exactly, but I don't think it has to do with high schoolers tho. Because most of the "nice guys" from high school, will continue their path of self-destruction after high school.

The way I see it, is there are 3 basic types of guys (Obviously not everyone is the same, and people mix and match, like you said you do. Or else no one would be unique. These are just the bare minimum basics to me).

There are the "nice guys" that lack confidence, and self-esteem. And just throw themselves at the girl, and bend over backwards to show they care. Which is completely the wrong way to get someone to like you.

There are the douchebags that have confidence, and self-esteem and know that girls like that. And they specifically use girls to get satisfaction, they don't look at how the girl feels. They just want to get laid, or mess with the girls head without thinking about the girl.

(I need to make another post, hang on)

[myTake Owner]

There are the nice guys, that have confidence, and self-esteem and know they need to love themselves before anyone else can love them. They are the minority, so that's why "nice guys" think all girls like douchebags, but girls only like douchebags because they tell it how it is and have confidence.

Point being "nice guys" expect the girl to like them for doing tasks and being there for them, and that's it.

Nice guys understand that confidence and self-esteem are huge attractions, and they will do all the things a "nice guy" will do, but within reason. They don't mess around with mind games, and believe in themselves.

[Joc4Position]

No not really... well I mean it really depends on what "nice guy" you're talking about. Again there are tons of definitions. I've seen some so called "nice guys" become "bad guys" or something else. They don't always stay the same. Sometimes people do change.

If a guy is throwing himself at females how is not confident? What's wrong with caring?

Nah not really. There are plenty of people who sound confident and may talk a lot but are weak inside. They really don't have self esteem.

Like I said girls want guys who are just being them. They don't want a douche bag. They don't want a nice guy. They want the person inside. That's it. Sure there will be some who like douche bags and some who like nice guys, but as a guy I don't worry about any of that crap.

Your logic sounds flawed to me dude. I can't agree. I really feel like some guys should just go ahead and teach classes on this because some guys study this stuff waaaay too much.

Just be you. End of story.

[myTake Owner]

Girls like bad guys because they are confident, or don't really know what they want. And when I say "nice guys" I'm referring to the "nice guy syndrome" guys. I put quotes around them, when I say nice guys I'm just talking about the genuine guys that are nice. Sorry if it's confusing.

I don't think you understand what I'm even trying to say, and I don't have to study it. I've lived it, and learned. It's not that difficult man. I don't google what a nice guy is, it isn't that deep man.

But I don't see how my logic is flawed. I just don't think you understand what I'm trying to say. And plus, there are infinite different possibilities in personalities, so my logic doesn't speak for everyone because everyone is different. But the majority of "nice guys" do the same thing to earn the girls attention.

[Joc4Position]

Bad guys aren't confident. I'd say there's one half who are and one half who just try to fake and pretend they are confident because they don't want people to know they are scared.

So when you say "nice guys" you mean guys who think because they do nice things for females these females owe them something? I guess in a sense that's a matter of perspective, because one could say those guys are more of douche bags and you said females like douche bags.

If it's not that deep then why is there so many definitions of what a nice guy is? Why every guy has his own opinion on what a nice guy and bad guy is and which females like more? I'm saying guys spend too much time on this. Just be you. Stop trying to over analyze what females want. I mean you can do what you want, but that's just my advice.

[myTake Owner]

Yes that is what I mean by "nice guys" lol. And yes one could say they are douchebags, but it's just because their motives are unclear and they expect the girl to reciprocate the same feelings. Which is douchey. But I don't know where you're from, but when I mean douchebags, I mean the guys that are loud and arrogant, and know girls will like them. The fake douchebags, are most likely just some of the "nice guys" that figure "Well, being nice isn't going to get me anywhere, might as well be a dick!". And so they try, but usually fail because they aren't confident. And a lot of people can see true confidence and fake confidence. Fake confidence people rely on others to agree with them, and never want to be the odd one out. People with real confidence don't give a shit what others think, and go down the path they want to.

If you thought about it long enough, I'm sure you could find reasons why genuine nice guys are douches too. That's just how life goes.

[Joc4Position]

Nah. I'm quiet and shy and girls flock to me too. It's not about being loud and arrogant all the time. Hell sometimes females like both. One of my friends is more outgoing than me and chicks be wanting us both. It's just more complex than A and B with girls only wanting B. Sure females like confident guys, but that's also a complex word. Very complex. Confident in what? Confident how? Confident when? Confident to who? See it's even more complex than "nice guy". I'm confident in some ways and not confident in other ways. Just depends.

[myTake Owner]

True, it's so hard to talk about things like this because there are so many different options and combinations that people have. Everyone is different. But some, like "nice guys", fall into a group because they feel it's the right thing to do. Some people aren't comfortable being different or off the wall, so they group and generalize themselves.

[kaylaS91]

I think being a nice guy is perfectly fine. The issue is more guys who bitch about the fact that girls rejected them and automatically blame them for being against 'nice guys'. Blind to the fact that maybe the girl wasn't feeling them on countless other factors. To the point that those guys almost come down with a victim complex.
Annoying af, agreed. 😵

[DBAOracle]

I think the term "nice guys" has like a trillion meaning these days and that's probably where the issue stems from.

[myTake Owner]

That's exactly the type of "nice guy" I'm referring too, which is sadly the majority. Lust is a powerful thing, and if you let it take over you, then this is what happens. They have ulterior motives and shame the girl, usually, for not wanting to be with them. I'm tired of seeing it to, that's why people need to stop being so chicken shit and tell the other person that they like them at the very beginning to avoid any confusion.

[IcyBastet]

Being nice doesn't mean letting girls walk all over you. That's being a doormat. People like people who are naturally nice but also have a backbone.. and people like people who are just nice even without ulterior motives. "And by the way, I am a nice guy still" Well, good, at least you're not one of those guys who insists on being a douche just because he didn't get a girl he wanted. I'm only drawn to guys who appear nice but it's often the case where I find out they're really not nice later on, and it was all an act to lure me in! It's sometimes hard to figure out the genuine ones from the others.

[myTake Owner]

It is hard to determine whether someone is nice, or really just an asshole. Obviously an ass is going to be nice, why would he be mean at first? That's their plan. Messed up, but that's how it is.

And when I say "nice guy", I am referring to the ones that are an open doormat. Because usually, if they get confidence, they turn into assholes. Because they feel like they have the power.

I can't do that tho, I don't want to put anyone in a situation that I'm not into them. I don't use people, I think it's very close to being as scummy as cheating on someone. They both are horrible things to do to anyone. If you don't like them, tell them. If you like them, tell them. That's how I see it now.

[Smells-like-lavender]

I like this mytake, I like how you said to establish feelings at the beginning, I have noticed that girls flirted with me as I first met them and I felt instant attraction towards them and all but I never established anything, I always waited long to make a move to a point were I saw that desired girl talking to another guy and even worse, seeing her going on a date with someone else as I happened to walk by them at the local coffee shop, inside put on a smile but inside I was something like this 😨😱 well 😆😆 the emoji perfectly describes it. It sucked. But no big deal I moved on quickly, and kept going. I'm still trying. I'm printing yor article I hope you don't mind.

[myTake Owner]

That's fine man lol, I'm glad you understand it. A lot of people gave me shit about it, but I don't think they exactly understand what I was trying to say. Or they just didn't care.

And by the way, what are you printing it for? I don't mind lol, I put it out there for people to read. Just curious

[Smells-like-lavender]

As notes, and it's a good article to keep, I just like girls and I'm taking anything that can help me understand dating better because as I found out it's not what it seems. So anything that can help me understand it it's all good

[myTake Owner]

Ah okay man, good luck! I don't really understand dating much, but I'm just really weird with the actually dating part. I usually like what I can't have, that might be my age tho. And I have some commitment issues. But definitely 3 of the most important things to attract a girl is:
1. Not give a shit if they say no
2. Have confidence
3. Respect yourself

Hope you find someone that's perfect for you tho man!

[Smells-like-lavender]

Thank you bruh so much I'm in this weird thing were i kinda dig a friend of mine and I been wanting to ask her out but Im working up the confidence to do it. Im suspecting she has thrown subtle signs at me for me to ask her out but as a man I'm not able to "decipher" her signs sort to speak. Sometimes we're cool and talking others we pass by each other like we don't know each other so it's like that.

[myTake Owner]

Ok, definitely tell her how you feel as soon as possible. Do it in a unique way too. And if she doesn't seem interested, and you aren't okay with just being friends, move on. It's really hard, but your feelings will only get harder the longer you wait. And most likely things won't change, at least in my experience that's how it is.

[Smells-like-lavender]

Ok I will ask her out next time i see her. Why wait anymore right.. even if I'm unsure what's gonna come out of her mouth. And is at work too. I should have probably mentioned that in the beginning, I hope that doesn't change things. But I'm asking out for coffee something safe, who turns down a friendly coffee? So I'll tell you how it went.

[myTake Owner]

Okay man, I really hope it works out for you!

[qwinn_bee]

Contrary to the girls on here, I actually agree with you... I know nice guys who have a thing for me and I know they won't tell me... I don't feel the same way exactly but I don't say anything... NICE GUYS ARE THE ONES THAT GET FRIEND-ZONED MOST OFTEN!!! ... but it's not like I walk all over them but I just know they won't say no to me so I push it sometimes... just realizing... #MyBad

[chriss]

everything here is wrong what you are saying because everyone has different personalities so how can every nice guy be the same when there is all sorts of different personalities out there? it doesn't make sense. also how do you know they like you? they could be see you as a friend. do you know how many times girls thought i liked them when i had no feelings for them when it's just because of my personality?

[Smells-like-lavender]

So how do you want these guys that like you to do? Come out of the shadow and say they like you? Just like that? Do You want any guy shamelessly admitting he is attracted to you? It takes time for a man to gain self confidence

[myTake Owner]

Honestly if you have guys like that in your life, you need to be the one to say you don't want to be friends or have a conversation with them about it. Or at least straight up tell them that you will never want to be with them, so that way they only have themselves to blame for their decisions.

[CancerianMan81]

@Smells-like-lavender no it doesn't and all the hell self confidence is admitting that you want what you want but the problem is most people don't want to give you what you want cause they only think of themselves more than you

[OlderAndWiser]

The "nice guys" you mention are being something other than nice. I think a "nice guy's" agenda is to be so nice to a girl that she feels obligated to like him. That means that he is trying to "buy" her with his niceness and, of course, that implies that she can be bought. "Nice guys" do this because they lack self-confidence and therefore they lack assertiveness. That is the fatal flaw that results in their lack of success with girls. It doesn't matter how nice you are because girls want a guy who is assertive and niceness is not an adequate substitute.

[myTake Owner]

Exactly, I'm not targeting guys who are nice. I am targeting the "nice guys" who do exactly what you described. Especially the ones that shame the girl for liking douchebags because she didn't go for them, whenever she probably never had physical feelings for the guy. And physical attraction does play a big part, just as emotional attraction does.

That's why I said to tell the other person you like them to begin with, so it will avoid confusion later.

[CancerianMan81]

lack self-confidence haha that's funny that's not the problem with "NICE GUYS" the problem is that most girls have to much fear

[CancerianMan81]

and another thing women are to damn one sided

[CancerianMan81]

thinking they have more privilege over the men and that their better then the men when that can't be cause no matter how you look at it people make mistakes so if you're thinking you're better than anybody you're wrong for thinking that you are

[OlderAndWiser]

@CancerianMan81 Sometimes, the feelings that we think other people have are nothing more than the feelings that we project on them.

[CancerianMan81]

which is not right in my opinion cause the words that we speak is the action that make us who we are

[CancerianMan81]

not what other people think who we are

[CancerianMan81]

if people were more accepting of their self then maybe they would be more accepting of the other people

[CancerianMan81]

Co-dependence isn't a weakness when you rely on other people cause that's allowing you to be who you are from giving to other people allowing them to be who they are through you that's true love especially through tough love

[CancerianMan81]

that's the only way through true leadership

[CancerianMan81]

you can't expect anything out of only accepting yourself

[CancerianMan81]

and besides that you can't project your feelings onto other people cause they have their own feelings

[CancerianMan81]

I think most of you people are confusing NICE GUYS with being a GENTLEMAN

[justbanANNAz]

well firstly, this is random but i like the lay out of this take. easy readability.

now, onto the content.
why nice guys are nice? because they won't let the opinion of someone run their life. u don't get the girls? SO WHAT? stay nice.
you don't end up one of the 'alpha' males? SO WHAT? stay nice.
you don't start off earning as much as the next guy? SO WHAT? stay nice.

my point: say u have 2 men. one is successful but a fucking douche. the other is struggling, but making progress and he is nice. in a period of 5 years i can guarantee that the 'nice guy' will end up going further in life. id bet my life on it.

being nice takes patience. it takes courage. it takes not letting norms define you.
THAT... THAT is strength.

[oldanddecrepid]

I think I am a nice guy and I have never had an issue getting along with women. I am by no means a pansy type and would let a woman walk all over me or dictate things, however, I do valie their input when it comes to the relationship.

If a girl needs you to be rude to her and asshole then "you get what ya pay for"... she is likely pretty, but a freak'n meek little head case in the end that makes your life a living hell.

Your time with them most likely has more downs then ups. Finding someone you can communicate with and be on the level is much more fun and less stressful.

Being an a-hole all the time is tiring, if you can just be natural with her then it makes life better.

[Bandit74]

I do think being nice can cause girls to lose attraction to you but Its mostly looks, confidence, and social skills. Becoming an asshole if you lack those 3 qualities won't help you much.

Assholes who are attractive, confident and fun do get laid the most tho.

I've also seen girls say if they meet a guy who is relationship material they will want to make him wait for sex while if they meet a guy who is hot and fun but not relationship material then they are more likely to have sex right away.

So in that regard being the type of guy who has the traits that are conventionally desirable for a boyfriend will often result in you getting less opportunities for sex and having to wait longer for it when an opportunity does present itself. However if you're the hot, fun, unreliable guy you'll do much better.

[Love-travel]

"Trust me, I thought being a nice guy and doing everything for the girl I liked was the right thing to do."
You were not a nice guy then. Nice guys don't have ulterior motives. They do nice things out of the goodness of their hearts. Nice guys don't try to do "nice things" they just do the right things.
"being a nice guy and letting girls walk all over you is completely idiotic." Yes it is.

[sparkly-crystal]

girl preach!!!

[Bluemax]

"You were not a nice guy then."

Does committing some transgressions make one not nice? If that's true, no one, including you, is nice.

I agree those particular actions aren't nice, but neither you nor I know that he might have done a lot of kind things without ulterior motives. And because he committed some actions with ulterior motives doesn't mean he committed all or most actions without ulterior motives. And you don't know what acts of kindness he might have done without ulterior motives.

[amazon-boy]

@Bluemax he explicitly stated that he did "nice" things for girls he liked. I do nice things for people all the time, I give my friends rides, help them with their homework, if someone drops something I help them pick it up. I don't expect anything in return. I refuse to call them nice things I just did the right things.

[myTake Owner]

Why do you people assume I never do nice things for people, and my motives are always to get something back. It's not. I'm talking about the times I DID and why "nice guys" need to STOP what they do. I am not referring to being nice as helping someone carry things through the door, or helping someone that gets stuck in the snow and has no one to help. I'm talking about the "nice guys" that do have ulterior motives, but don't exactly realize it. It's called lust. You act like I'm the asshole that laughs at some kid who drops his books, I'm actually a very nice person, believe it or not. And I do help people without ulterior motives. I help guys and girls if I see someone struggling assuming I am not in a hurry, and I don't shame people for not doing something right.

[myTake Owner]

I was just talking about the times I DID have ulterior motives in this post, and the "nice guys" I'm referring too DO have them also. Most of the friendzoned nice guys do have ulterior motives. That's why I said if your feelings are too strong then "Tell her you can't be friends in the nicest way you can, and get over it. Do not resent her for her decision on who she wants to date.". There is a difference between a girl and a guy being friend with no ulterior motives, and a girl and guy when one wants something more.

[Love-travel]

you are right I don't know you. My point is the definition of nice guys need to be changed.

[myTake Owner]

I feel like their is 2 types of nice guys. The "nice guys" and the nice guys. The "nice guys" are the ones I am targeting in my posts, and the nice guys are just genuinely nice guys.

But whenever someone says the term nice guy, people think of the "nice guys" and the friendzone. Maybe it'll change in the future, I don't know. But I think that's how most people see the term as atm. Because there are far more "nice guys" than nice guys.

Sorry if it's confusing, I think some are confused because I say "nice guys" and nice guys, but I'm saying them as different groups of people.

[Love-travel]

I like guys who go to great lengths to help others. It's actually a turn on for me. But just because you hold the door for me every morning doesn't mean I owe you a conversation. A lot of guys have a fake nice guy persona but girls can see right through them. I am glad you are a nice guy and hope you choose to stay that way.

[myTake Owner]

I hate the thought of hurting people, so yeah I'm pretty sure I'll stay this way lol. I feel really bad whenever someone gets upset with me, especially if it's a girl that has feelings for me.

And by fake nice guy persona, do you mean the guys that only want a hookup? Of course their going to be nice. I'm talking about the ones that genuinely feel like they are a nice guy, and have low self-esteem and lack confidence, but have ulterior motives because they don't have the courage to say how they feel. Not the guys that you would meet at a bar, and he starts flirting and acting nice.

[Bluemax]

"My point is the definition of nice guys need to be changed."

Interesting. Changed to what, in your opinion?

I have my own definition and will share it if you like.

[Alexalex92]

I wonder how these girls who said they like nice guys, wonder how many of them really mean it.
Because if it's true so WHERE ARE YOU? Because all I get it's Ahh I see you like a friend, you're a nice guy a nice friend and then she will go fuck with 30 mens and then she will say that mens are dicks they are pigs etc blah blah blah.
Girls DON'T appreciate nothing! And if there someone who appreciate then you're good, BUT NO FRIENDZONE. Guys in the 20's want to fuck! Not to have a friend who is a girl and listening how she's get fucked.
AAARGHHHH

[myTake Owner]

Ok man, that mentality right there is no better than the girls saying "Men are dicks, they are pigs". Did you read my post? Don't bend over backwards for anyone, ever. That doesn't mean be a dick, but you don't have to do nice things all the time. It will work against you. Do you let the girl know you like them, or do you just sit there and wait for something to happen? You have to make shit happen bro, and if it doesn't, then move on and let them miss you. You can't blame someone for not being attracted to you. You need to establish feelings early, or you will miss out on any chance you might have had. I've known multiple girls that I know I could have gotten with, but I waited and didn't give it much thought, and missed the chance. Trust me, express your feelings sooner than later. And don't shame or blame them for not feeling the same way, I doubt you'd date any girl that walked up and asked you out. So don't expect them to.

[Rawrzz]

I disagree that lust is mistaken for love at first sight. I've experienced it, and it didn't have anything to do with sex. Hadn't even met the girl yet. It wasn't sexual. Love is obsession. Too many things I disagree with to continue. Love contains lust. Separating the two is a difficult thing. If you don't lust after the one you love, then it's a pretty shitty relationship.

[myTake Owner]

Yes, but love is not obsession. Lust and obsession go together. They are all very similar, but with obsession, they cannot be without. It's like a drug addiction. Same with lust. It's usually a very selfish and destructive cycle. Love however is free, and you can go days without seeing the other person but don't think about cheating or if they still love you. With love you are content with yourself, and know how the other feels. Lust and obsession have to deal more with being unsure of the others feelings, and being very jealous and over-protective, and lacks trust.

There is a little bit of lust in love, but not much. Obviously you have to be physically and emotional attached, but that shouldn't be the only thing.

And also I said that the chart wasn't entirely accurate, I said that lust isn't all sexual and it can be emotional too, but it isn't love.

[Rawrzz]

I disagree, still. But everyone sees it different ways. I mean, try taking a husband's wife away, and that love won't turn to "oh, well, I know how she feels about me, and I'm not codependent, so it's cool that she's gone." He will obsessively pursue her. Different scenario, but it shows what lies beneath that love. in my opinion, if there isn't a degree of obsession, then its not love. I think the idea that love shouldn't be obsession is a fear of being perceived as codependent. Like this silly idea that you have to wait at least two days before texting someone back, so you don't see desperate.

'Course, your argument makes me think. I dunno.

[myTake Owner]

Ok, I do agree with the saying that some obsession is okay. But not very much. If you have too much, it is codependent. Because you stop thinking about yourself, and start thinking of ways to keep their interest and trying harder and harder when it is harder to obtain, and makes the situation worse and worse. Just like there are a couple different types of people in relationships, people who are more clingy and some people like their space and don't want to be with the other person all the time. Both sides have their flaws, because some take it to the extremes. But some people genuinely like being together as much as they can, and some like having there space, but still like spending some time together. Both love the other person (assuming it's a healthy relationship), it's just their preference. There's even the "open relationship" people that love each other, but are okay with sleeping around or having threesomes.

[myTake Owner]

But at the end of the day, everyone is different and you can't exactly generalize anyone, because there are so many different options. I just made this post because most "nice guys" expect the same things, do the same things, and make the same wrong decisions. Because it's not a healthy relationship/friendship.

[CancerianMan81]

co dependence is only when you are allowing you to be you and allowing your girlfriend to be who she is that's it

[stardust101]

Nice take by the way. There's a difference between being a nice guy and being a pansy. Nobody wants a pansy. I myself like manly men, not man boys. A man who isn't afraid to take the lead when necessary but not to take over the girl's leadership also. There's a balance to everything, but most importantly, never stop being nice! If anything, find out what works for you in your life and implement it and you will gain great success.

[TheBraveLion]

Main thing is confidence and assertiveness in yourself and to be independent /know what you want but not a douche.

[myTake Owner]

And not being afraid of walking away. Never get in the mentality that "you need to get this girl". It will make you mess up and not even realize it.

[TheBraveLion]

yeah that's true too!

[TheBraveLion]

Because by doing that you're also being a kind of kiss ass/annoying in a way, maybe not in all circumstances obviously but you know what I mean :)

[CancerianMan81]

being independent isn't healthy I know I use to be independent

[CancerianMan81]

being Independent comes across as having to much ego

[ConsultantIsBack]

in my opinion the whole thing is just perpetuated by below avg/avg kids shooting for the stars:
-below avg/avg kid tries to get the Hot girl
-of course gets rejected
-goes home and writes poetry about how poor me, Nice guys finish last
-repeat cycle a million times lol

[myTake Owner]

Exactly because that's what "nice guys" do. Not all nice guys, only the "nice guys".

Nice guys know what they want, and if the girl doesn't like them, they get over it.

"Nice guys" bend over backwards for the girl waiting for something to happen without even trying. And they complain afterwards with the "nice guys finish last" bs.

There's a huge difference between nice guys and "nice guys". But sadly there are too many "nice guys" out there. I used to be a "nice guy", but I realized that it isn't going to happen and I'll assert my feelings before anything happens next time. But most of them don't get it, and keep making the same mistake over, and over.. and over. And wonder what they're doing wrong. I realized it, most don't or it at least takes them a while.

[Notreallyhere]

Another my take on the despair of teenage love troubles.

Let me clear this up for you:

Just because someone is an asshole to YOU does not mean they are an asshole to their GF/BF You act different around people you care about and people you dislike.

People who are genuine assholes to everyone do NOT get laid, they do NOT find love, and they spend their assholey lives jerking off till they grow up.

If that sounds familiar to you... heeeeres your sign😒

[Dulcedulcexoxo]

That feelings chart works perfectly for relationships and marriages. Lol, most people fall in the lust and obsess category. but yea I agree with your mytake.

[sp33d]

Not this again. The difference between the "nice guy" and someone who is a nice guy is that of motive. A "nice guy" puts on a charade, to what purpose and end, I will never know. A guy that is nice is polite and respectful unconditionally and by the way, has no issue of coming clean with her.

I disagree that lack of honesty is one of the biggest problems with "nice guys". It is their only and therefore biggest problem to begin with.