So this take won't be as much about fears in general as about the fears in your head about yourself or about things like talking to strangers and such. I know, the title might be a bit of a clickbait but I had no other idea how to write it and English is not my first language, so let's get into it.
About me
Alright, you might be asking what is this part. Well I want to share a bit of my own history and why i write this... I was born in average city in Czech Republic. Had normal childhood and went to normal primary school. First few years went nice and dandy, had few great friends, average grades... normal stuff i guess. We had a few of the "popular" kids in class, who were quite stupid, but nothing extra. Well the problems began when i got these idiots in second half of primary. They made something like a "Gang" and just made others lives a living hell. Including me of course. So the normal attacks on topic of my glasses, height or the fact that i was ginger have been on daily basis. The fact i broke my leg and got fat didn't really help either. So there i was, center of their insults, getting slamed from all sides and as normal, teachers didn't do shit. I wasn't the only one, so the few people that have been under this terror were kinda friends, but all and all, it sucked. So there came the end of primary. My self esteem, confidence... kinda everything was in ruins. I left primary and i wished i was dead. I mean it for real...
So here came change, i stopped seeing these fuckers, and things started to get better, slow but they did. But something still was with me. The fears, the dread... really this stuffs sticks to you. I used to be pretty extroverted and stuff, liked meeting new people. Well that changed and it stayed that way to this day...
1st step
For me it really was to change the environment, when you leave the toxic things behind you don't get worse and you kind of have some time to get yourself out of stress. Although making new friends and stuff was hard for me, it wasn't so bad, because they didn't assault every thing i said... It really started the whole process for me.
2nd step
That was the harder part, no it wasn't breaking the fears... it's not a movie... I started to see things. I finally realized that the things that happened to me were not normal, not ok, quite the opposite. I started to see how bad things were... but that also made me see my problems... kind of scars so to say. It hurt and kinda hurts to this day to think about it.
3rd step
This is kind of 2nd 3rd ish... something in between. I started to notice that not all people were hostile... and i started to know how to read in them so to say. Maybe you ask why... well when i was under nearly daily stress, i got all closed up. I didn't talk to people, stayed at home and didn't really care. I was always more of a friend with adults anyway... I kind of lost my childhood there, thanks to those bastards... anyway i moved me somewhat different. I started to open up a little, to change myself.
4th step
This is really the most difficult part. You have been wounded and hurt. I get it, feel it too. But there is always the need to move on. It was really hard for me personally to move out of the lonely lane back to people. I didn't use facebook, haven't had instagram. Every photo of myself was a shame for me. I hated myself for who i was. I had to change. I slowly over the year began talking to people, began to go out with friends (didn't do that before). I started to loose the "chains". I slowly got to know, that i don't really need to worry about this stuff anymore, no one is gonna hurt me like that again. It was really the hardest, to overcome fear of talking to any girl, to anyone really. I was even scared of the cashier :D. So i just went a slowly got myself to overcome. From smallest to bigger, and im not finished yet.
There is no 5th step. I didn't really cope with the whole thing yet. I still get nervous around people, mostly girls...I still don't like my appearance, although I don't fear to look in the mirror anymore, so thats that. I have a few friends, I do what i like and I don't really care for others. That kind of makes me sad, i lost a lot of sensitivity and stuff back when I was bullied. Im cynical and dark sometimes. I still have quite a lot of hate in myself. But it's getting better, Im glad for it. Currently im working on loosing my weight and shedding the bits of anxiety that is left. My biggest enemy is loneliness really, the fact i never even remotely had a girlfriend kind of kills me inside, but everything else works fine so whatever... :D
Why did i really write this? Well i figured there might be people with similar experience who are lost or maybe stronger, either way leave a comment with your experience if you feel like it, you are not alone. My main goal was to kind of help others... to leave the past behind or at the very least tell them there is plenty of us who been through psychological hell. And I also wanted to get it off my chest, for a long time I wanted to leave this thing somewhere, this is kind of my life pain... There are people who had it worst, I can imagine, but nonetheless this still hurt me for at least few more years to come...
Now enough about me, if you got this far, thank you for reading, it really means a lot for me, that you found time in your life to read this. I hope i didn't go through something like this or worse, if you did i hope this at least a bit helped. Have a great day, you magnificent person!
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