How can I stop picking emotionally unavailable men?

[Fleur-Rose]

So I am shy. Guys I do talk to is usually the. confident ones an yes they turn out to be the total. douche bags or charming but emotionally unavailable. type of guys

So guy I met. this year. Everytime I would see him he would. flirt, show off, make a big deal out of when I am around. I figured after 8 months. or so of him doing it aw he must like me alot. Turns out he's just a flirt who had. no intention of being with me.. i stupidly assumed he was too shy to ask me out when he can't of been if he's so. confident to talk to me when he sees me. After one meet up and a kiss I felt attached to him.

I would only ever see him at my local store where he works an I realised he just enjoyed being a social flirt when he saw me as in the end he said he dont want no girl. He would tell work friends thata my princess, my baby etc.

Had me hooked. When at first I used to roll my eyes an think what a plonker. Cus. im shy I took what I could get an thought he wanted me. He works 12hr shifts so he's work is his life. In end he said no time for you or anything like that an totally. cut me from his life. All that acting like a charmer was all bs an he is a real. ass. underneath it all the way he spoke to me was awful.

When I first saw this guy I thought bad news an a guy that can talk the talk but probably won't follow through. my gut was right an I am kicking. myself. fornot trusting it. He was turkish an a workaholic at 25yrs old. He made me think he wanted to know me then said its all in your head.

Just when I think I've met my share of idiors another one comes my way. I feel like there is a problem with my judgment of guys. I do not ever want to. go for this type of. guy.

[ironeddie]

Well quite honestly. What happened to you is in no way your fault. All the signals were there and you acted on them. If I was in your position, and he was a she. I would have reacted the same way as you.

From what you said and knowing similar personalities. I feel this guy has 2 vastly different personalities.
At work he is this charismatic flirt. Outgoing, the life of the party so to speak. He wants everyone to think he is an absolutely fabulous guy. Very confident.
But outside of work, it would not surprise me if he is a lonely, reclusive person, playing video games, is socially immature and does nothing outside of his home. He is doing his best to hide this side of himself. The REAL side, which he likely hates, so others won't think he's a loser.

Then when someone gets too close to him, he has no clue how to deal with it. So he turns the other way and runs. Cuts them (you) out of his life, thinking he will never have to deal with such a situation again.

It is not your judgement. You see what they want you to see. But then panics when someone gets close. Because they will see what he truly is. Not the illusion. Which would be devastating to him. It's easier to hide, than to deal with the problem.

Again I may be wrong. but he seems the same as others that I know.

[Fleur-Rose]

No I think your bang on. I've felt like he acted in two different ways. One was the flirty outgoing guy then the shy antisocial one. In the shop he was the outgoing guy generally other times bit more of a laidback guy. When I hung out with him he was a gentle chilled guy who talked about being stressed in his job an how he has no social life when he's not working he sleeps the whole time. We did fall out in the end but I believe he used it as a way to get out of being close to me cus we did have a connection which he admitted we did. I imagine he's just around family he lives with long distance relatives but his actual family is in london he moved to my city for work purposes. When he's outgoing I often laughed as it didn't seem natural like he felt like that was only wayto get me to notice him.

[Fleur-Rose]

An in end he was like leave me alone I dont want no girl an said I am not normal which hurt. On the phone
Our last convo he was like dont call me I dont wanna know you or anything about you. An he was like get over it. Really was persistent in pushing me away even when he knew I cared about him. i miss him an we are alike I am often lonely I know he's not a bad guy but it hurt that we dont talk an he dont want me around.

[Fleur-Rose]

When I mentioned going out and getting to know eachother he said sure but where an said he doesn't know the city at all as he goes work an home each day. No time off meant seeing him at odd hours but he said he wanted that an I said I want to get to know him. He seemed so inexperienced when I hung out with him yet super macho in the shop

[ironeddie]

I am very sorry for the way he treated you, with the pushing you away. You don't deserve that. Nobody does.
It is understandable that you are hurt. With what you said, how he dealt with the situation. He possibly has issues much deeper than the social immaturity. It would not surprise me if there is some mental health issues (depression or bi-polar).
By forcibly pushing you away, he likely believes he is doing you a favour (And maybe he is). It's done to ensure himself you won't keep trying. If this is true. You can be rest assured, it's ripping him apart, more than it is you.
At this point I think it's best you do as he wants. When you see him, just be cordial. Say "Hi" "Good Morning" whatever. But don't take it any further than that.
After a bit of time. It would not surprise me if he starts opening up, letting his guard down. He probably wants/needs someone to talk to. But he has to make the first move.

[Fleur-Rose]

Its ok trying to get over it not easy as it took me a year to tell him I liked him. what was so interesting to me was that when we statted talking an I knew his schedule I would say maybe your too busy for me an he said no only busy when im working an he made a real effort to call and text. Then for him to say in the end too busy for you it was like slap in faceand didn't make sense as he didn't have a lot of time to begin with and we worked around it

[Fleur-Rose]

I dont see him anymore or go the store as his friend and him was off with me an I feel unwelcome. So I steer clear been month or so since heard or seen him

[Pedantic]

I'm sorry to hear you went through such a painful situation.

For every person on here, I offer different types of advice that I think may work for them based on the way I assume they think (drawn from how they worded their question). It's a messy and difficult process. Results may vary.

For you, I think you landed your own best answer when you said "I should of trusted my gut." You are one of the gut people with good guts. If your gut says its trouble from the beginning, obey the gut. Even if he comes in on a white horse later on, you just throw him right back off that horse and say "no way, the gut said so!" and let the guy go.

I think that will help you with your man-selection in the future.

Good luck!

[Fleur-Rose]

Yeah I agree I ignored the gut cus I wanted a bf so bad but he wasn't bf material

[bubble_tea]

Go for the non-smooth talking, non-flirting, hardly complimenting guys.

[Fleur-Rose]

So shy guys?

[bubble_tea]

not really, just guys who don't care about impressing other people and just want to be liked for who they are, not how they make you feel. they are emotional more available, usually.. but exceptions do exist.

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

He flirted with you called you his baby, princess cause
he was using psychology to get what he wanted from you
guys like him will never have a long-term romance, love
they do know want sex from a girl in a heart beat when they
see a girl isn't going to give out than they move on with life
it hurts like hell cause i ran into the same exact girls who did the
same thing to me i really ask myself if true love exist out there
but i guess it remains to be seen

[Fleur-Rose]

He didn't get sex or try get it at all. wasn't even mentioned. But yeah I do think many are like that sad world we live in

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

Yes, oh they now how to work our buttons for sure

[Fleur-Rose]

Yeah but honestly he never tried getting sex I was worried at one point cus I was unsure whether he fancied me lol. He was inexperienced but put on this front at work. I have surely met my fair share of guys after sex at my age didn't think guys your age would have difficulty?

[JustinCaseUDontKnow]

I am not real sexual person never made it to
that base with girl yet, i had many chances
i just don't want girl who slept around there
is diseases out there plus i am looking for
something real