Accidentally found out that BF has hired escort services before we started dating. What to do?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We see each other often when work permits and I can say we have a solid relationship. One day when we were in trip I took his phone to use the net. I honestly tell you that I purposely snoop in to his emails and messages after I used the net because of cursiosity. I know that it's not very nice it me to do that but I found out that he had hired an escort multiple times before we started dating as I saw the messages way back when we are still trying to date. I understand that it's not my business to know what's in his past but I am just worried he do it again knowing that we are long distance. How should I go about this situation. How would I confront him without throwing back the fault on me why I read his previous messages? Please help me :(

Updates

+1 y

we were tested last last last year, i just dont know how to ask him to do it again. we did it during our monthly check up

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend told me that he has been to prostitutes a few times before he met me. Of course it was hard at first but then I came to the conclusion that it was in his past. At the time he was married (so he actually cheated on his wife) and going through a very difficult phase (wanted to get divorced, felt responsible for wife, etc.). Maybe your boyfriend was going through a hard time as well.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now and I have to say that I don't feel threatened or scared at all. We did talk about it a lot initially. He told me pretty much in the beginning so I could ask all questions I had. Your boyfriend didn't tell you but yet I think you should approach it somehow (that means admitting that you snooped around) so that you can have a conversation about it and put your mind at ease. It is in his past, he might have had reasons for doing what he did. But you shouldn't let paranoia take over you. I honestly see no other way than you admitting that you snooped around since you don't want to create lies and chances are he isn't going to tell you if you just ask randomly, and then you would feel even more paranoid.

[Scrambled]

Shit!! I'm so similar to your bf it's not even funny ha ha

[babygirl41398]

In a relationship there has to be trust the main question here is do you trust him i know your worried but thats in his past and you have to trust that he won't do it again but if your really worried you can sit him down and just ask him about it but i say you shouldn't worry about it and just see what happens i mean if he really cares about you and loves you he won't do it again but just try to wait awhile to ask him but be in person when you ask.

[AvaMarina]

Just trust him. He could hire a prostitute, or he could cheat on you with another girl (which is probably more likely than hiring a prostitute), or he could be a loyal boyfriend. These worries are kind of a given, especially in long distance relationships, but you need to trust him. Don't let your own insecurity get in the way of your relationship.

[Anonymous]

So you're not really bothered that he's hired an escort, you're just worried he might cheat on you with one?

While it is possible, I don't think it's any more likely than him trying to cheat on you with another girl or hook up with someone at a bar or something. If you trust him not to cheat on you like that, then I think you should trust him not to hire an escort.

If you don't want to directly ask him about it I guess you could try casually asking him (maybe wait a while first so he doesn't make the connection with you using his phone) what he thinks of prostitution, after he gives an opinion you could try saying "You'd never do that though would you" or something like that - see if he mentions it, or claims that hasn't seen one. Depending on his response you could then ask your further questions, and hopefully he wouldn't guess you'd seen the contact on his phone.

[TheWiseOwl]

Was he single when he hired this escort?

Look I am not a fan of casual sex, I think it's immoral for men to use prostitutes and escorts but is it any worse him hiring an escort than picking up random girls at night clubs and having sex with them?

If he has given you no other reason to worry about his faithfulness to you then let it slide, he may or may not commit an act or acts of infidelity only time will tell but if you confront him about this then you could create all manner of problems for your relationship.

[Mesonfielde]

Prostitution makes sense from even a moral standpoint if you think of it as a way to monetize sexuality in the form of "sex as a service" that the prostitute provides in exchange for money.

[TheWiseOwl]

I don't agree with it, especially when a lot of prostitutes are forced into it through sex trafficking. If you want to use prostitutes that your business but you'll never convince me that it's moral.

[Scrambled]

That's black and white thinking. There are middle grounds. My friend was a high class escort and enjoyed it. She even funded her real goals through it. It's a business consent between two adults. Yes the human trafficking side is bad, but then so is slavery, but not everyone are slaves. You get ok drug users and then you get addicts. It just depends.

[TheWiseOwl]

As I say I consider it to me immoral, but is it any different from a guy going out and sleeping with random women he meets in a night club? I don't believe so, they're both immoral acts and the only reason prostitution and escorting attracts more negativity is because money is exchanged, but then if a woman milks a man for his money in a night club isn't that roughly the same thing?

[Asker]

thank you i was so eager to confront him i even googled the number of the the escort he had back in 2012 (we started dating May 2013) but i said to myself i need to think very carefully as i know this will create a mess. I am just a worrier and I am very scared he'll do it as we are long distance atm. By the way do you think its okay to erase that message from his phone?

[Scrambled]

I think marriage is immoral. Who is the cruel bastard that came up with that shit!

[TheWiseOwl]

@Asker - I wouldn't touch his phone, if you erase that message and he notice it has been erased it's going to cause an argument and then things will come to a loggerhead. Just leave his phone alone and act like nothing has happened.

With me, I disclose my entire past to someone I am with, every nook and crannie of my life is laid out on the table and I then allow the woman in question to digest what she has been told and then to decide whether or not she wants to move forth. That way no nasty surprises like this one arise later on down the line.

If he's given you no cause for concern about his faithfulness prior to you discovering this revelation then I think you should just let it slide and trust him.

[Scrambled]

@asker, you wouldn't know if he will carry on and don't delete the message. Just take it as it comes and hopefully he will stop while with you. I would insist you both go for an std check up in case (just to see his reaction and check if you both good) escorts practice safe sex but I did read an article recently where they did an hiv study on 12 hiv escorts in Australia. Australia sex workers have less hiv I'm the population then non sex workers. But you never know;)

[Asker]

@Scrambled thank you for your reply. how would i ask him to have us both checked? i dont know what i am feeling atm :(

[Debbie2020]

@scrambled
You can't bring 1 story or even 10 to prove your point. I'm sure there are some who enjoy their job but, for the amount of girls/women coerced of forced into this job, those few that are enjoying it does not make this business okay. In any way.

[TheWiseOwl]

@Asker - if you want to confront him about his past because you feel it is something you have to do then you must act according to what you feel is the right thing to do. You will cause an argument and there will be confrontation, he'll be upset that you snooped through his phone.

As for the STI check. Wouldn't it seem a bit odd if your partner asked you for one these nearly two years into your relationship? Just saying!

[Scrambled]

@debbie2020 although I admire your good intentions, you still incorrect. Based on your logic, that means we would have to take down all religion because of the amount of people that died in terrorism attacks, for example. Just because some people take anything in society and bastardise it, doesn't make it bad for those who make a proper living out of it. Prostitution in itself isn't bad or immoral, just like law, banking, politics etc, but there are some bad people who just mess some things up.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I don't see how the fear of him seeing escorts is any different than the fear of him going out and finding another girl.

Those insecurities are a factor in LDR's, so you have to learn to live with them.

[Ihav2fart]

Exactly this, the wise man has spoken.

[Klaatu51]

that was BEFORE.

so there's no point arguing about it

[Asker]

just scared he will do it again as we are currently in long distance situation for now :( but thanks for your comment

[Anonymous]

You worry over nothing, because of your snooping.
If you hadn't snooped, you wouldn't worry.

Or would you?

It sounds like you basically don't trust him, period.
In which case, you have no relationship.

[Asker]

i have nothing against the escort girls my only concern is that i am scared that he might do it again knowing that we are in a long distance relationship. but i am very eager to talk about it so i have an assurance that it will not happen again.

[crazyincalifornia]

Look and you shall find.
I never snoop on my guy, and he knows better than to snoop on me.
Yesterday is just that, yesterday.

[Asker]

thank you babe i am just a naturally a worrier and i worry things a lot and i am just scared he will do it coz we are long distance atm

[crazyincalifornia]

You sound nice and caring.
Me too.
I just don't go looking for trouble, especially in early relationships.
:)

[abundantlyrich]

Ouch. You should get a std check up asap. confront him later..

And break up.

[veronica44]

None of your business.