Is it normal for a man to always perve when he's married?

[SarahH1992]

Hi Just wanted some opinions on this topic. My fiance looks at other women a lot when we are out. Basically any woman he finds even half attractive he'll take a look at. Is this normal? I'm really getting over it. Don't get me wrong I look too but I have enough respect not to look right in front of his face. I feel this is a lack of respect towards me. I have told him many times to quit doing it or else. He stops for a while then starts again. What do you all think? Thanks.

[AmanoYin]

Depends on the type of man and what type of looking... There's not looking, there's looking hard with intent, and there's noticing a set of tits in your field of vision because you have eyes... and when you respectfully pull your eyes away that is being true and real, there's even guys who don't look or try not to. For some type of men it's natural, and for other's it not. Get to the core of the problem, ask him directly why he does it, and if he gets defense ask questions that get to the core of the problem WITHOUT getting lost in frustration, try and understand why, WHILE trying to get him to understand why he does AND what you want of him. He obviously doesn't have to do what you want but make it clear. Don't be shy about this or it will eat at you for the rest of your marriage.

[SarahH1992]

He looks but doesn't completely turn his head to look he tries not to make it obvious but still, I don't like it there needs to be some sort of self control. He looks at any hot or semi hot girl that comes his way. He looks from the corner of his eye usually. Yes he's very aware I don't like it and that it's a threat to our relationship if he doesn't stop. I don't like it I feel that yes fine look, but look away. But sometimes he won't look away and I have to say something

[SarahH1992]

I asked him, he's like I don't go out of my way, if she's there I'll have a look. But to me, constantly staring is more than just a look

[AmanoYin]

Don't say "threat" it's misleading to yourself and maybe him. Either you have a relationship or you don't. ANYWAY if he's conscious of it, the consider have a conversation with him right now AFTER thinking about your wants. You don't like ask yourself why and then go and confront him, and ask him why he does it, ask him why to his answer AND tell him you don't like what he does. Don't command him. ANYWAY if he says he won't, then leave, if he says he won't but does intentionally then leave. NOW I DON'T WANT TO GIVE THIS ADVICE but it's a truth yet I don't want your heart to deceive you yet i feel... ANYWAY if he does yet he can't help it... then help realize his emotional and mental truths... most people don't spend enough time philosophying on themselves and they think they don't need to.. yet they have problems.. if you learn how to think about how you think and why you think then you won't even end up in too many bad relationships it will be rare. and by bad i mean unwanted... sinc

[Anon-ymous1]

What's not normal is your use of the term "perve." He's not a "perve," whatever that means-- he's just doing something that you don't like. There's a big difference.

As to whether it's normal or not, well... yes. It is normal. He's basically giving you the right to look anywhere you please as well. If you do, and he gets mad, well... means he has no leg to stand on doesn't it? Boys look at hot girls. Yep. Pretty simple. Nothing you can do about it, and honestly, there's no reason why you should try to. He's engaged to you. What else do you want? Complete and total control of his vision? Nah.

[SarahH1992]

I'm more worried about the lack of respect towards me when he makes it so obvious and the fact he denies it when I catch him out.

[Anon-ymous1]

He denies it not because it isn't true, but because he's worried that you worry about it so much. He feels like he's being accused of something bad that isn't bad, and is normal. It's normal of you to look around too. Now, if *you* don't want to look around, you don't have to. But people in serious relationships still crave independence and freedom; giving him a little bit of that is good, and stifling it is bad. It will not go well in the long term if you try to stifle his very vision. Trust me. Good luck.

[SarahH1992]

Ok so where do my feelings come into this? Where does respect for me come into it?

[Anon-ymous1]

He could ask you the same thing. Do you not see that?

[SarahH1992]

When he is perving, and I am looking directly at him to see if he stops and he doesn't, I call that a lack of respect.

[Anon-ymous1]

Okay... well, sounds like you're headed for ripples of tension in your relationship that you aren't going to like, if nothing changes. You expect (not just want, but expect) him to change, while you do no changing at all. Relationships like that don't last.

[SarahH1992]

I do not, look at guys anymore. Ever since him and I had a talk about two weeks ago I have stopped. He hasn't. That's the difference. And what I am upset about

[Anon-ymous1]

So this conversation: Did you bring it up, or did he? How did it go? What was said? And was the entire conversation literally about nothing else but looking at other people in public while you're out with each other? Describe it.

[SarahH1992]

Yes exactly about that. I told him he needs to stop looking at women around me so obviously I feel so disrespected. Especially when I look and he's still looking at the chick basically not caring whether I'm there or not. It makes me question his self control towards women. If I was not there one day and a girl tried to hit on him, would he not be able to control himself and just go along with it?

[Anon-ymous1]

Dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. I can't speak for him, only to say good luck and I wish you the best, but trying to leash him in this way isn't going to work. He may (not definitely, but possibly) end up resenting you for it. I hope for both your sakes that it doesn't go that way.

[SarahH1992]

Resenting me for wanting to be respected? Lol.

[SarahH1992]

I expect to be treated the way I treat him. He doesn't like me peeving so I don't. But it's okay for him to continue to do so. Lol not going to happen with me. He can Resent me all he likes.

[SarahH1992]

No double standards with me

[Anon-ymous1]

Oh well until now you've left that part completely out of the story-- if he asked you to not do the same, and you're being honest with that, then yeah you have the right to be annoyed if he does it anyway. Still though I wonder, who brought it up first? I'm assuming it was you, correct? Or did he bring it up to you first, as in "why are you always looking at other guys while we're out?"

[SarahH1992]

I brought it up..

[Anon-ymous1]

Right.

Well, anyway. Good luck.

[SarahH1992]

Lol typical men.
Always trying to stick up for their own

[Anonymous]

It's normal for guys to look, however there are ways for them to do so without being jerks. Mine would almost break his neck looking at other women and there's nothing like that feeling you get when you see your man making eye contact with someone in front of you. So this is what I did... I refused to go anywhere with him in public. When he would ask me to go somewhere or when I needed to go somewhere and he wanted to tag along I said no I'm not interested in seeing who you wanna screw today. After about 8 months he had enough and promised to stop. He slips occasionally but it's quick glances instead of stares and it's very rare. Been together 7 years now.

[SarahH1992]

He looks but he definitely wouldn't make it so obvious as to nearly break his neck. He doesn't take it that far. But if he's walking and there's a hot girl coming towards us or even semi hot... She doesn't even have to be that good looking I know 100% his eyes are there and it just burns me.

[Opinion Owner]

In my case being with me was more important in the end. I basically gave him an ultimatum without giving him an ultimatum. My stubborn won. He hated that I acted like it didn't bother me to go solo everywhere. I mean I wouldn't even go grocery shopping with him. Point is.. If somethings bothering you he should be willing to do what it takes to fix it. If he enjoys going places with you now and you flat out say you won't because you need your self esteem then eventually he will either do what needs to be done or the relationship will deteriorate, sinking into resentment from both sides against the other. Mine showed signs he didn't like being left alone after about a month. If he hasn't sent signals its bothering him then I would you have at least gotten used to doing things on your own again in case the situation goes south :)

[SarahH1992]

He's come a long way since I met him that's for sure. But still catch him doing it very sly and I don't like it you need to have some sort of control

[SarahH1992]

He will definitely stop doing it to keep me, that's not the issue.. The issue is I worry, like why the need to look at every girl, like haven't u been there and done it? In saying that, I do look myself I can't lie.

[SarahH1992]

It's always in the corner of his eye he's looking trying not to make it obvious.

[Opinion Owner]

Should he be worried about your looking? If you can look and appreciate the qualities of another guy without possibly being unfaithful... It's more than likely he can as well. And if he's making an effort not to let you know he's doing it he is at least trying to spare your feelings. Which is more than what some guys will do. But they allllllll look. All of them.

[SarahH1992]

Trust me, sometimes it's not the case. He looks right in front of me & I stare at him & he still keeps looking. I at least have the decency to look away straight away cause I don't want to make an argument out of it cause he hates when I look too

[Opinion Owner]

Something will have to change though. This hurt is damaging your relationship. I recently had a similar discussion with a guy who admittedly does this. He told me it would be great if a girl simply diverted his attention instead of getting upset at him for looking. Guys aren't always looking at hot girls and imagining them naked either. Sometimes they look to see if hot girls are noticing them. It feeds their ego. Your situation seems to almost be a battle of wills. I hated the feeling you're having so much I just didn't want to see it. My goal was not to force him to do what I wanted. It was not an attempt to change him either. It was my way of making the hurting stop without losing someone I love. Because he loves me he decided to change on his own. I feel like your guy would rather see you happy. Maybe you should have another conversation with him at least.

[SarahH1992]

To be honest, I question his self control when he's not able to look away. If you don't have self control for looking at a girl, what would u do if she came onto you? :/ I confronted him he says he doesn't do it intentionally. I said I don't care. I want him to realize he's doing it and stop doing it. It still hurts whether it's intentional or not. The fact that he says it's not intentional means it will happen again. & I can't live like that.

[Opinion Owner]

follow your intuition. I dunno how he is looking at these women obviously but I know there are different levels. I had a guy with his pregnant girlfriend come into my job and I literally felt his gaze. I looked up and just knew he would totally cheat on her. Then again I have guys glance, maybe make eye contact for a sec and then continue about their buisness and I don't ever get that feeling from them. If you are feeling like it's possible he would cheat if he had the opportunity then there's a reason you feel that way. Maybe his body language or just the way he looks. I have heard people say men are "wired" that way. I don't know how true that is but I do know that women are "wired" to protect their young. Our instincts alert us when there's danger even if we cannot see it. Emotional turmoil is danger to our bodies because of hormones blah blah which shut down certain parts of us. An example being stress telling your body not to have your period because your body is currently uninhabitable

[SarahH1992]

It's not in a way where he is trying to get their attention. It's more he's looking but he struggles to hide it. Sometimes it will be from the corner of his eye. Usually it's just a look/stare for about 5 seconds or so until she's out of sight. As I said, he doesn't turn his neck or anything when I'm there but he will look.

[SarahH1992]

Does your partner still stare Now or?

[Opinion Owner]

No he hated that I refused to go anywhere public with him so he stopped.

[SarahsSummer]

I think guys will always look. It it's pretty rude and disrespectful to do it so obviously while with you.
I wouldn't appreciate that at all.

[Stoner710]

This is 100% normal. If he take s it to the net step with another women then you got a problem. Men in general are very visual and if it check out the nice ass want to get a better look. This is the way I think of it. For a guy there are 2 types of girls/women out there they type you want to fuck and the type we want to settle down with. When we do find the type we want to settle down with. Most stay loyal. Doesn't mean that if a girl with a nice ass comes walking by we aren't gonna look. Basically our eyes wander but our hearts don't.

[SarahH1992]

Even if he sees a chick, hot or even semi hot, he ALWAYS has to get a better look... But he won't make it so obvious as to break his neck while doing so. Just on the corner of his eye but stares for a fair while until she is out of sight it just burns me

[Stoner710]

That's what I do. But I'm single I can't stand the social justice warrior women and that all we got in this half of the state other side are interested in drugs and a bunch of stuff Id rather not be apart of so I gave up

[Anonymous]

He isn't "perving", he is programmed differently than you and we are hard coded to roam. It isn't a natural state for us to be monogamous, we do it because of social stigmas and pressure.
It has NOTHING to do with respect. Your idea that it has something to do with you is a very narcissistic mind set.

If you were walking and heard a car accident happen behind you, your instinct is to turn and look, you do it without even thinking. This is how we are programmed with women. You are not visually stimulated, we are, and you can not reprogram biology.

[SarahH1992]

I have asked him to stop many times & clearly he just can't help himself. But I'm not happy it's damaging our relationship

[Opinion Owner]

You have no right to ask him to stop. It's natural, just like your period is a natural thing. Imagine him telling you he thinks your period is gross and he wants you to stop it. You can't.
You not being happy with it, is your problem and issue with your own self-esteem, it has nothing to do with him. You are ruining your relationship because of your insecurities.

[godfatherfan]

Men are visual, we always look, and will always look. But he should not be doing it in front of you. Eventually us guys know how to do it even when we are with our woman without her knowing it. But if he is obvious about it, then he has zero respect for you. You need to take that into consideration. But make sure you say something to him first and give him a chance to make right. he might not know he is doing it. Some guys are fucking clueless...

[SarahH1992]

He doesn't take it as far as to break his neck or whatever. But if there's a hot girl walking towards us, even semi hot, guaranteed his eyes are already there and it burns me

[Ayte_Lex]

I find that very disrespectful personally. . .

Many guys just "hide" that, haha. Guess I'm a tad bit different. Then again, I love my girl. I can't even look at another girl in that way. Just impossible for me.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Anonymous]

All men look at other women, some hide it good but some can't. But I think you are overreacting and imagining things maybe, there is no way he would constantly look. I just can't imagine someone doing it with a girlfriend so obviously. If a girl is passing and he turns around to see their butt and keeps staring that is disrespectful but if he keeps his head forward and eyes women like that it is completely normal.

[SarahH1992]

He keeps his head straight but it's every chick that is hot or semi hot, he always has to get a better look

[Opinion Owner]

As long as he does not turn his head it is fine, also you can slap him to get him back into his senses.

[SarahH1992]

He says its not intentional. But it still hurts the same whether it's intentional or not. He reckons he doesn't know he's doing it. But we have this thing that if he's looking I look at him straight away and he knows to stop. But I don't know there's times lately where even if I look at him to stop, he doesn't. It's like he gets so caught up in it. I feel as though this is a major lack of self control. What would he do if a girl came onto him if he can't control a look & I'm right there, :/

[Opinion Owner]

Tell him that it hurts your feelings and he should learn to control himself when he is with you.

[Solomonmundy]

perfectly normal, a married man is still a man and if a guy says he doesn't then he's lying.

[SarahH1992]

But infront of me constantly? wouldn't u say that's disrespectful?

[Solomonmundy]

I would say that's disrespectful, but a lot of time it is just reflex.

[SarahH1992]

Yeah he says he doesn't know he's doing it and that it's not intentional.

[unrealisticmormon2]

you start to see other guys to counter him

[SarahH1992]

@unrealisticmormon2 what do u mean?

[Solomonmundy]

guys growing up just learnt to do it and it's become a habit. if it bothers you just keep calling him out on it or make him ask you permission to look 😂

[SarahH1992]

Do u think it indicates a potential cheat? Or capability of being unfaithful? Before me, he was VERY sexually active with many different women. I guess that makes me feel a little insecure too.

[unrealisticmormon2]

i think he may be cheating and fcuking other girls besides you, control him before he runs with all the diamonds

[SarahH1992]

@unrealisticmormon2 hahhahahahah are u kidding?

[Solomonmundy]

no I don't think so, I mean if he is just looking for women when he's with you then maybe. if it's the odd hottie that passes by then it's just eye candy. it's hard to determine because we don't know the guy.

[SarahH1992]

It's not an odd hottie. He takes a look at a few different girls

[unrealisticmormon2]

may be or may be not

[Solomonmundy]

then you should probably have the talk with him.

[SarahH1992]

@unrealisticmormon2 lol

[unrealisticmormon2]

mehhhhh

[wankiam]

understandable it bothers you but all men tend to window shop.

[SarahH1992]

Don't men have some sort of self control over these things?

[wankiam]

he should learn to hide it better maybe but basically no we dont. i suggest you let him know once more that it bothers you but short of divorcing him i can promise things will change. do bear in mind one thing though... you are the one he has chosen to be with. sorry i can't give a more liberal answer but even though i am very left wing i am also a man and a realist

[SarahH1992]

What do you mean by short of divorcing him things will change? Sorry, don't understand that part what your trying to say

[wankiam]

sorry... typo. i meant to say things won't change. my bad

[SarahH1992]

Ok so do u think it indicates a cheat based on excessive peeving

[wankiam]

no not really. i think he just likes to look and isn't very good at hiding it from you. i think by calling it perving you yourself are making much more of it than is really going on. im not here to defend him but if you make a huge issue out of it then i can't see how you can get past it... kinda self fulfilling destruction prophesy. like i said you could try again to tell him to kerb it right infront of you but you yourself must also not make so much of the occasional lapse by him

[DizzyAster]

Not a lack of respect, more of a lack of skill.
I've seen you women checking guys out, it's master class.

Also, guys look at girls. We try not to, but our nature makes that happen.

[SarahH1992]

But I'm meant to be marrying this guy soon

[DizzyAster]

And what do you expect? Him not being a man who is into women anymore?
Him not eying the rest and finding that he has found the BEST?
You want his penis to drop off?
WTH, Lady?

[SarahH1992]

Frequent perving to me indicates he's craving other women

[DizzyAster]

*Pensive*: Yet, he's sticking by you.
*Sarcasm*: How sad.

[SarahH1992]

Shut up

[DizzyAster]

*Normal*: Men looking is a normal and natural thing. If you don't like it, then discuss with him.

[Anon-ymous1]

Try not to? Speak for yourself.

[SarahH1992]

I've tried. He says he doesn't know he's doing it. I feel he just can't help it

[Anonymous]

it's completely normal to look at other people. he's engaged, not blind.

[Glen68]

it's normal to look but it's disrespectful to do it so obviously in front of you

[SarahH1992]

Yep I agree

[Pizzalover101]

Guys get use to it an got get there doing it sum times but do it in front of him an see what he does

[lotje]

it is normal. i would worry if he didn't...

[TheSpartan]

No, only if he's disgusting.

[Calix]

Yeah it would be normal for me when I get married

[blondfrog]

Yeah I think so.

[ikarp66]

Men will be men.