Why doesn’t my boyfriend want to have sex with me?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend rarely wants to have sex with me. This has always been an issue but I’m not sure why. He says the sex is fantastic and that I’m good at sex, and he’s always very blunt so I don’t think he’s lying. We’ve been dating for a year now and it’s something that we argue about once and a while; but it’s something that frustrates me. Everything’s always on his terms, if I try and initiate I’m almost always denied. When he wants sex and I’m not in the mood, than it doesn’t matter we’re still gonna have sex. But, when he’s not in the mood I get completely shut down. I don’t know if it’s his labido or if I’m doing something wrong? I’m not lazy or selfish in bed, at all. Both of us are working together and I give him head whenever he wants and rarely ask for much in return. It just upsets me cuz i just feel denied and it makes me feel unattractive. So I honestly don’t know what to do.

[MrOracle]

Honestly, it sounds to me like his libido is simply low (you work together, so you're around him far too much for cheating to be an issue), especially since it's always been this way. He still likes and wants sex, but only when HE wants it, and that just seems to be a lot less often than average.

Clearly it has nothing to do with you - remember, it's been that way since the beginning, so it's just how HE is - but he's also pretty selfish about it, which in my opinion is the bigger problem. If he was willing to pleasure you, even just fingering or oral, between intercourse sessions, I'm sure you'd feel much better about things, but he doesn't seem to be willing to make the effort, and THAT lack of respect and care for you is what would upset me more if I were in your shoes.

You can talk to him about that, and tell him how it makes you feel, and tell him what you would like - but ultimately, you can't change him (he can change himself IF he's willing), so it may well come down to you either accepting that this is how he'll always be, or breaking up with him.

This is a compatibility issue - something people rarely talk about when looking for a relationship partner, but something that is VITAL to having a successful long-term relationship. Sometimes you can work out a compromise, but more often, a serious compatibility issue like this is going to end the relationship sooner or later.

The lesson is to figure out what YOU need in a relationship and then, when looking for a potential partner, don't get so caught up in the mutual attraction that you forget to check for all of your compatibility issues, and if you find any red flags, to either work them out before you commit to the relationship or send the guy on his way. Otherwise, you'll end up where you are now: in a relationship with someone you aren't compatible with, where it's much more difficult to end things.

[Blackmoonsns]

Controlling sex is a great way to control the relationship. On the other hand men are not as fire ready as women think if he is an older man sex maybe less important to him. If you want sex on your terms create sexual tension in slight little ways to build him up for sex. If he is stressed about something find out what it is and fix it for a man stress and sex dont mix.

[KDria]

This isn't even about sex anymore.. it's about his consideration as a partner. I want to say if he hasn't even cared to notice or change then leave but honestly, guys can be a little bit oblivious at times so sit down with him and talk about how this is making you feel. If he cares, he'll at least try to make changes. If not, I think you need to leave and find someone who cares about your feelings more.

[lorddindin]

Don't let sex control your life. The relationship I sent about sex its about the commitment stick together no matter what.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is a completely selfish lover. Don't know why you'd stay with a guy like that.

[siccorro]

Either he got a side chick or you're not that sexually compatible