Male friends with benefits acting almost boyfriend-like then suddenly acting distant. Why?

[Elise10]

So this one's a little tricky. I've been seeing a friends with benefits for about 4 months now, but prior to that we dated for 5 months. While we dated, everything was pretty much perfect - i. e regular, fun-filled dates, regular messaging and even him talking about going down the r'ship route. We had zero hiccups or arguments during that 5 months, just an amazing time. That was until one day he turned up at my door and announced he couldn't "do this" anymore. He said he was too accustomed to the single life (he got cheated on in his last relationship three years ago) and his new job was consuming all his time that he didn't have the time or headspace to commit to something serious. Naturally I was devastated and hurt. After this we remained really close friends and messaged eachother regularly, until it turned to friends with benefits -while both being very clear about the fact this was strictly a friends with benefits arrangement. The sexual chemistry insane. But 1 thing that's been weird is him acting in almost partner-like ways (e. g. insisting on paying for both of our meals/drinks and buying me an elaborate birthday present, being really affectionate after we've had sex, and holding my hand as we walk down the street). I've wondered if he's in denial about his feelings but have been too worried to bring it up. Anyway, after 4 months of problem-free bonking each time we meet, he's suddenly gone completely quiet (over a week of no messaging). Last time we met at a bar, we went our separate ways after. As we parted, he was acting really weird (urging me to get my train before it left, even though the next one was in 10 mins, and hugging in a really awkward way). I know a very busy period has come up at work, but am flummoxed as to why he's being so weird. Can anyone offer some advice/thoughts?

[MzAsh]

It seems to me that he does have feelings but wants to get with other women without his guilty conscience showing up - which it is showing up, thus the weird and awkward behavior. You can do with that whatever you want, but I’d friend zone his flaky behind in a second flat.

[Elise10]

Thanks for your input. I don't think that's the case. He's got a busy enough work and social life that he wouldn't have the time/mental energy to do that (some weeks he works ten hour shifts, six days a week, especially during the summer period. Hence why I suspect this might have something to do with it, but still doesn't explain his oddness the last time we met). He's genuinely not the sort of guy who would go around/want to go around sleeping with other women, especially after being cheated on in his last relationship, which really badly hurt him. We said to one another that should either of us have issues or our feelings about the circumstances change we would be fully respectful and open with one another. obviously he's not being open, but like I said, I don't think he's chasing other women. He's not confident when it comes to dating/seeing women, which I suspect is down to issues from his last relationship. If he was, I'm confident he would express it to me. I'm definitely not happy about his weird, flakey behaviour atm and rest assured will be bringing it up the next time we meet. God knows when that will be at this rate.

[Barbra98]

He probably found someone new just doesn’t want to tell you. From sounds of it.

[Elise10]

But like I've said to another poster, he definitely isn't that kind of guy. Firstly, he was cheated on in his last relationship and that hit him really bad. He wouldn't do that sort of thing. He's not the sort of person who would pursue two women at once, and if he was interested in someone else, I'm pretty sure he would tell me. Also, he's been working insane hours recently to cover co-workers who are on holiday. I'm talking six day weeks, 10-hour days some weeks. There's no way he'd have the mental or emotional energy to pursue another person. His sudden busy work schedule may have something to do with it, but still doesn't explain why he was acting awkward/distant at the end of the last time we caught up, after having such a laughter-filled evening.

[Barbra98]

Thank You for mho.

[spartan55]

I don't know how you possibly thought going from actual dating to friends with benefits would work... you made it easy for him.

[Elise10]

It's a weird one. I think both of us went into it blissfully ignorant. It just happened naturally... we tried to resist but there was too much chemistry there. After us both having a serious initial chat about it and establishing boundaries/the fact there would be no expectation of a relationship, it really pees me off that he's now behaving like this. I guess the line's have been blurred, with him doing those quite romantic gestures and now he's retreating. That said, he called things off when we were dating/started getting distant when he took on that now job and work was manic. It then settled for a bit and now things are manic again. It's just weird that we've gone from messaging every other day at least to zilch in over a week.

[Avicenna]

First of all, you should be with a guy that gives you exactly what you want. But he seems not to be sure what he wants.

[Elise10]

I've said expressly to him that I have zero expectation of is getting back together and he doesn't have to worry about me harbouring notions that we will. I'm a big girl, for heaven's sake. I don't see why there's suddenly an issue as I haven't given any indication whatsoever/behaved in a way that says I want to be more than friends with benefits. Him shutting down us dating affirmed to me that he isn't grown up enough to be in a relationship. He's the one creating an issue out of the situation, where there shouldn't be any.

[Avicenna]

It's not easy to switch gears when someone has been your boyfriend or girlfriend.

[Elise10]

True, though I thought we were both mature enough to deal with the friends with benefits situation after we'd established boundaries. Obviously he wasn't...

[Avicenna]

It's really difficult to do

[Browneye57]

I quit reading at the first sentence. QUIT DOING THIS.
You've already established your value with him. Which is ZERO. You're just a warm place to put it. Hot meat instead of jerking off. So don't expect to come along later and think there's going to be something there. He just wishes there was, but there never will be. That ship has already sailed.

[Fromdusktilldawn]

I understand, I feel the same. I crave about intimacy but am scared of a relationship or love because I don't want to be hurt again, taken advantage off, loose privacy and independence, be a walking wallet and bond to a person

[Bjornasey]

Ask him if he wants to impregnate you.

[Iron_Man]

Maybe he’s no longer interested

[Elise10]

Not to blow my own trumpet but the second to last time we met he said he was "really turned on by me". Unless he's had a brain transplant, I don't think that's 💯 the case.

[Iron_Man]

Well then why did he go distant

[Elise10]

Exactly what I don't understand and am trying to get to the bottom of. I don't want to ask him flat out via message, would rather have that convo face to face. Whenever he does bother to message again that is...

[Iron_Man]

Good idea do it face-to-face

[dazzinu69]

Probably remembered it was friends with benefits

[Elise10]

Who knows. I mean, he's the one blurring lines, buying me meals and fancy gifts etc. I said to him from the beginning that I have zero expectation of us getting together again and that this was strictly a friends with benefits situation. Anyhow, I'm really disappointed with his behaviour and will definitely be bringing it up the next time we meet.

[In_Trance]

I think he wants to smash other women. That's all