My boyfriend can’t give any emotional support. He has been through a lot, & I am there for him, but he can’t give the same to me. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys. My boyfriend’s dad passed away about 2 years ago before we started dating. When we first dated, he talked about him lightheartedly, but I noticed some signs of him sweeping emotions under the rug. I would participate & ask questions eagerly when he brought him up, but otherwise he barely talked about him, so I tried to stay out of his lane, or ask questions when I could.

Sometimes he would not text back for 2 days, & he needed exorbitant amounts of alone time, which was okay. He would go on trips a lot with friends/his fam alone. I tried to give him space.

Unfortunately, I had several instances in the year where I called crying because of an abusive situation at home. I’m standing there on the phone crying in pain, and all he says is “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to help you.” That’s all. I was sort of shocked.

Iit happened 2 more times and definitely hurt me a bit. I know it’s not his responsibility to make me happy, or get me out of a danger situation, but some emotional help would have been okay.

I tried to give him as much space as possible, but the relationship eventually crumbled bc of lack of emotional support & we broke up. There was another instance where he took 2 days to text back, & had a week period of not wanting to see me. I just hardly saw this guy. He later said he was just sad about his dad. Is there anything I could do better next time, be more transparent etc? He is completely healed/moved on. I feel awful & really thought giving him space as a guy would help. Thank you so much.

[Jake99999]

Some people are better takers than givers. Also, since he is going through a hard time, his sense of anything else may be dulled.

The other thing is, maybe he truly does not know what to do to help you. You call him talking about abuse, maybe he just does not know what to do. A lot of people go into shock mode when they hear of something terrible that they never imagined they would have to face. Sadly a lot of people these days are not very strong and always expect someone else to fix the problem. But for him to not offer even many words of sympathy? Yeah I can see why that does not feel right for you. But then again, a lot of people say that just being a good listener is a good thing.

All that said, it sounds like you have been a good and supportive person for him. Its not crazy for you to expect a little of the same in return. You have given him space, been there for him, etc. Good for you. If he can't do the same for you, and it bothers you, it may be time to move on. It can be really hard to be in a healthy relationship with someone who has a lot of personal problems. If you really are crazy about him and love him, and want to be with him, then stick it out. If you are not so sure, then move on. Life is too short.

[Asker]

This was incredible. Thank you so much. Thanks for evaluating every part of this, I really appreciate your help. And yes, I'm a very giving person so it's hard sometimes when people don't reciprocate. I am going to both adjust my standards, and maybe find someone who can give more. I appreciate your help

[Jake99999]

You sound like a really good person. Being there for someone and helping and encouraging them, and being wise enough to give them some space when they need it too…it’s people like you who make the world a better place. You deserve to be with someone awesome who appreciates you and is there for you too. You can find such a person. And you will. I am really sorry to hear of your own problem where there is something abusive going on. There are places you can call to talk to a professional who can help you deal with it. Don’t feel like you are in an impossible situation and no one can help. Use Google and find some support near you - if you need it. I picture you sad and crying about that problem and it breaks my heart. I hope all of that gets resolved for you. I wish you all the best. Take good care of yourself.

[AngelMegumin]

Feel sorry to say, but he didn't feel the same way you did for him. If you can't support your beloved ones in time of need, it says a lot about feelings towards them.

[MissDebra1]

Sounds like he doesn't even know how to help himself with his own issues or emotions, so he was prob being honest saying he doesn't know how to help you. Or he might just not care bout you, but i sense he doesn't have the ability to help others. Regardless why he doesn't, you need someone who can be that for you... it can't be all one sided... so, you might want to consider ending the relationship as far as boyfriend girlfriend. but talk it out first, see what you think.

[Asker]

Girl, thank you SO much, this was such a blessing to hear, and very level headed answer. I hate when people say just take care of yourself, I do agree that relationships should have care from both sides. I appreciate this answer I feel a lot better

[spartan55]

Sounds like he used grieving his Dad as an excuse to break up.

[TheFlak38]

get a therapist. it's not his job to put up with your constant nagging.

[Asker]

Thank you. I felt like I didn't really nag that much. I only asked him for help like 3 times in one year.