Why does this recently divorced guy say like that?

[TessCasie]

I’ll be meeting up a recently divorced guy soon he wants me to stay with him but he also says things about himself saying “ I am not that special “ or “ I don’t think you’ll like me.” And alse don’t assume it’s only me accepting you, you might not like me.

i don’t get it if he wants me to stay with him why he says things about himself like that.

when I in return told me you might not like me he was like you’ll go home then.

[ohshee]

It's kind of the form of manipulation he's trying to make you think one way but in reality he's telling you something then you should probably listen when people lie or try to cheat you or anyway try to manipulate you in the same breath usually they tell you the truth you just have to listen for it I can't tell you what to do but you should really think about it and before you do anything to get to know him a little bit better I would almost say that he's a control freak

[TessCasie]

I want to also add its cause right now we are in long distance I tend to send him nudes I don't know why all of a sudden after 3 months he writes to me saying “ you don’t need to promote or sell yourself to me” I already like you just come home. Why would he use those words?

[TessCasie]

Moreover he says you’ll come straight to my place once you land. He says “I really love your submissiveness.”. I asked him can I stay with you after I land? He’s like so you just want to stay with me the day you land. I replied asking him can I continue to stay he’s like what if you don’t like me?

I don’t get it what’s he doing

[ohshee]

Well either he just wants a piece of ass so he wants you to come there and then he's going to be like Jekyll and Hyde and get a piece of ass and then want you to go or he just doesn't have any confidence in himself and he knows that you'll get to meet the real him I think it's maybe a little bit of both

[Jamie05rhs]

He's just expressing his feelings in honesty. He realizes that there are certain ways in which he may not measure up to the ideal of what you are looking for. He's letting you know that he understands and it's okay if you say no and reject him. That's his way of taking the pressure off of you.

[TessCasie]

I want to also add its cause right now we are in long distance I tend to send him nudes I don't know why all of a sudden he writes to me saying “ you don’t need to promote or sell yourself to me” I already like you just come home. Why would he use those words?

[Jamie05rhs]

Because he already likes you. So relax. At this point you have your man. Just enjoy his company and develop the relationship. Get to know him better. And be positive and encouraging, and compliment him if you find something you like about him. That will build his confidence, and in turn make him more attractive to you. If this is what you want, then I see good things ahead for both of you.

[TessCasie]

Moreover he says you’ll come straight to my place once you land. He says “I really love your submissiveness.”. I asked him can I stay with you after I land? He’s like so you just want to stay with me the day you land. I replied asking him can I continue to stay he’s like what if you don’t like me?

I don’t get it what’s he doing? I’m sorry I need your advice

[Jamie05rhs]

@TessCasie I don't understand what your plans are for this visit. It sounds like you're asking to stay with him indefinitely? But how would you even do that? Don't you have to go back home? Don't you have a job?

[TessCasie]

I don’t understand him at all. He says he wants me to stay with him. Then when I say ok he’s like what if you don’t like me huh 🤔 of course I have a job but his insecurities are killin me.

[Jamie05rhs]

@TessCasie I need you to answer my question, though. This is very important. If he DID want you to physically move all of your belongings and come live with him, how would you even be able to do that? And if you quit your job, wouldn't you be fully dependent on him to live? Is that a position you want to be in?

[TessCasie]

Lol I won’t quit my job. Moreover what im noticing is right after he wrote awful things like “ you don’t need to promote yourself “ he isn’t reading my messages anymore. I don't know 🤷‍♂️

[Jamie05rhs]

You considered what he said to be "awful"?

[TessCasie]

I usually send him nudes. So after three months now he says “ you don’t need to promote or self yourself to me, I like you” so my worry is why is he using such words like promote or sell cause initially he was the one who asked for the nudes.

Now he’s like just come home soon. Lol

Also I’m worried I don’t want to be transition girlfriend

[Jamie05rhs]

Well, like I said, he's already convinced. He likes your body. You have nothing left to prove.

As far as being a rebound girlfriend,... well, yeah; that is always a risk.

[Jamie05rhs]

But the fact that he's concerned about whether or not you genuinely like him leads me to believe that he's looking for something more serious.

[TessCasie]

Thank you for you advice! Also ima take it very slow with him no expectations. I can already sense he’s badily and still wounded person.

[Jamie05rhs]

You're welcome.

Yes; that's good. Take it slow. And don't move in with him yet. But you can go visit him. Are the plane tickets really expensive? Are you worried that you will only be able to go once a year because of the cost?

[TessCasie]

No ! I’m ok with the plane ticket but I’m worried about him. I just texted him saying “can I ask you a personal question ” he replies Z” wtf are you gonna ask now I’m worried. ” I don't know 🤷‍♀️

I do know that he talks to other women also

[Jamie05rhs]

So what exactly are you worried about?

[TessCasie]

I worried 😟 I don't know how to win him over.

[Jamie05rhs]

You already won him over. Stop worrying.

What was the personal question that you asked him?

[TessCasie]

I didn’t ask him cause he says he’s worried what I might ask him so I refrained.

[Jamie05rhs]

Aw. You should just go ahead and say it!

[Jamie05rhs]

If we can't ask questions to our significant others, then we can't really have a true relationship with them.

[TessCasie]

I don’t think he is relationship ready; he’s just hurt, wounded and still brooding his loss of marriage.

[hahahmm]

Do you even know what you want? You sound like you think you have 20 years to find a good match. The amount of time you have to find someone is shrinking fast. When you were early 20s you could sit around spending weeks/months/years to decide what you want to do but those days are over. Better come up with a plan.

[TessCasie]

Hmmm

[molonski2]

He has some serious inner fear of rejection , so he's trying to use these words in the name of " honesty " , but really its a vexed , mixed , message to soften the blow on himself , going though divorce is a pretty horrendous issue , would not wish it on anyone especially if young children are involved.
He possibly needs some time to get his head together , he's running scared right now I think.

[Lionman95]

Because he isn´t settled in his feelings yet. He´s not fully recovered from the divorce, that´s why he might have wanted you to stay with him so quickly.

[TessCasie]

By me staying with him how does it benefit him?

[Lionman95]

Maybe but it´s not safe to say. Because I don´t think he´s settled it might not be enjoyable for you because he might not be able to commit to a relationship with you.

[TessCasie]

True

[worldscolide]

My friend you have to remember what divorce does to a man.. The courts likely financially raped him repeatedly, and his confidences is likely shot... that is likely why he speaks like that about him self.

[TessCasie]

So should I meet him or not?

[worldscolide]

Its worth it to at least try.

[MrCommodore]

Sounds like his confidence is badly knocked, and he is seeking reassurance from you that you probably will like him.

[TessCasie]

How can I help him by the way he’s 39 years old got two kids coparenting? I’m amazed he’s still in touch with me although I’m out of the country for three months he’s still eager for me to come home he really wants to meet me but him saying all this how do I react and respond? Any tips

[MrCommodore]

Just pay him compliments that will specifically address anything he seems insecure about, this will help him grow confidence again.

He said things like "I am not that special", well you drop in a sentence that you think he is a special man. Or "I don't think you'll like me", reassure him with something like "I already know that I like you".

[TessCasie]

Thanks 😊 will try it out

[DaveToo]

He has low self-esteem. If he doesn't have that great of an opinion of himself, he won't have one for you.

[TessCasie]

True

[DaveToo]

You'll have an uphill struggle trying to help him through his insecurities. Is he worth the effort?

[TessCasie]

I can’t help him! He needs to go through the grieving process himself.

[DaveToo]

Good girl. YES!! It takes time to get past losing someone, either through a divorce or through death.

[TessCasie]

by the way he is coparenting with his ex wife

[DaveToo]

Good fr the kids!

[karaspara]

He lacks confidence probably as a result of the divorce be patient but don't take any crap either good luck hun hope it works out xx

[TessCasie]

How do I react and respond?

[karaspara]

In person or on the phone tec?

[TessCasie]

Once I meet him in person

[karaspara]

Just enjoy yourself he will relax and be fine if he's not no shame in not having a second date you are not a relationship counsellor

[TessCasie]

Thanks 😊

[OlderAndWiser]

He is a walking wounded from the divorce wars and is probably not ready to be dating.

[Jamie05rhs]

No. He's humble.

[OlderAndWiser]

@Jamie05rhs Time will tell if he is simply humble or if it is more than that.

[Bklynbadboy12]

I don't know but it a scary thing cause of her doesn't love himself how can he love you

[TessCasie]

I agree it’s annoying me big time. If he thinks so negative what I must do

[dudeinohio]

When he got divorced, he basically lost all self esteem. He sees himself as a failure in relationships and quite possibly life in general.

[Iron_Man]

I would never make commitments to stay in somebody’s house to live there without knowing them super super well

[Anonymous]

He's probably dead inside post-divorce. His partner for life is gone, and the courts probably fucked him out of most of his assets as well as custody of his children.

[Jerre]

He obviously has a very low opinion of himself.

[TessCasie]

And I think it’s cause his ex wife? Do you think it’s worth to even meet him or he’s asked me to stay with him

[Jerre]

If I were you, I wouldn’t waste my time with him. I’m sure you can do a lot better.

[TessCasie]

True !

[Avicenna]

He’s probably still feeling hurt from the divorce

[exitseven]

He just experienced a loss and is very insecure.

[krin_m]

Sounds messed up, don't know what to say!