Guys, Should I give up on him?

[Anonymous]

I met this man some time ago, and felt like there was a “spark” when we were introduced, but we remained casual acquaintances for about a year. He then started pursuing me for sex out of the blue, and when I made it clear that I wanted to get to know him a bit better, he backed off. I boldly suggested hooking up after some time, but he turned me down flat, and things cooled off as I realised that I didn’t mean that much to him. He stayed in some sort of contact though. Several months later he reappeared with a “smoother” approach, calling me “special” and “beautiful”, and we started hanging out again. He contacts me from time to time, and our meetings are very sporadic, like once every 3 weeks or so. He used to kiss me hello and goodbye, and we made out heavily once, but that was as far as it went. Now we are in more frequent contact, but he has stopped initiating any kind of physical contact with me. The truth is that I want to initiate, but after being turned down last time, I am afraid to. I am very confused as to what he wants. He seems eager to meet me, and we have gotten a bit closer than mere acquaintances, but I am not sure if I have been friend-zoned or not… Last time we met, I invited him over for dinner, we had a great time but he didn’t so much as touch my arm. (by the way we are in our 40s.) Why would he stay in my life if I were only a casual hookup option? Could he be expecting me to do something this time, as he was the one doing most of the pursuing before? I feel that I was responsive to him though; it’s not as if I were acting cold and not giving anything back… Opinions welcome!

[Anonymous]

There's no confusion, nothing has changed for him likely, he just kept trying (different ways is all). And, he's probably just as confused with you, as you have also given mixed signals. I suggest you either forget about him (no more contact) and move on, or you simply ask him what he wants and if anything has changed. And tell him what you want.

[Opinion Owner]

But you're both adults, so don't act like you're teenagers. Have a direct open conversation.

[Opinion Owner]

I didn't mean that as an insult by the way lol, I just meant you should just be able to ask and talk about it (maturely).

[Asker]

You’re right! We should be able to talk about it, but it seems we have a bit of a problem with that. He seems to be squirming away from “real” conversations, that’s my take. But I’ll do it, nothing to lose, anyway. Thanks!

[spartan55]

Maybe you aren't being as responsive as you think, but that doesn't explain him turning you down to hook up. Just talk to him about it.

[Asker]

You’re right. I think he was being vindictive as I had turned him down first; well, not turned him down, but I said that I wanted to hang out a bit first before we jumped into bed, and I guess he took that as “rejection.” He doesn’t sound like the best of news, I know. But he keeps hanging around and he is good company, if you take out all that other stuff. Thanks!

[spartan55]

Wait I thought HE turned you down?

[Asker]

First came the incident described above: he asked me to hook up, but we had never even spent so much as 10 minutes alone before, so it felt strange. He came over, we had some wine, he tried it on, I politely declined. I wasn’t playing coy, it just felt uncomfortable at that moment. One week later I asked him point blank if he wanted to hook up, he said “no, I’m very busy.” So I feel he wanted to get back at me. But he reappeared some months later and… here we are. Things are just not budging forward and I am wondering if he just wants to toy with me. He seems genuinely interested in other aspects of my life though, that’s why it’s confusing.

[spartan55]

I kind of doubt he was trying to 'get back at you', guys typically aren't like that. Maybe he thinks he is stuck in the friendzone.

[Asker]

Maybe… I’ll have to be brave and finally ask him. We can’t keep circling around each other like this. Thanks for your input!

[spartan55]

You are welcome! Just talk about it like adults. No offense, but your post reads like it's from someone much younger.

[Asker]

None taken! I was married for many years, and I honestly feel like I don’t know the “game” anymore… Like I am 15 and just starting to date… So, yeah, I see what you’re saying! :-)

[spartan55]

I'm in the same boat, and I get it. Being single now is WAY different then when I was in my twenties.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Give up on him if you want to or take a break from him.

[Wise4myage]

Sounds like he is afraid to make a move, so be bold and make a move on him. If he pushes you away, then its time to move on and forget about him.

[Asker]

Yes. I’ll take the risk, what’s there to lose… Thanks!

[Wise4myage]

Exactly, good attitude.

[In_Trance]

Yeah