How to stroke a man’s ego?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend sort of ended things with me because he feels like he doesn’t deserve me after I expressed to him all the things that he has done to hurt/traumatize me.

I said that he’s doing this because I will never think that he’s good enough and he will always hurt me, so there’s no solution.

I cried in the phone telling him that this is not the solution, and that he is enough, he just needs to help me trust him again.

The next day, he woke up and texted me “are you okay” and 1.5 hours later texted me “did you eat, do you want me to order you uber?” (I am currently sick).

If he wanted to get out of my life and leave me be so that I can be ‘happier’ without him, why is he still keeping contact with me?

Keep in mind that I suspect he is depressed and burnt out from work. I want to be his safe space and help him get through this so that he can go back to being the happy and loving guy that I met 4 years ago.

Do you think stroking his ego would help him believe that I need him, love him and want to be with him?

What are things that i should say ti make him believe that leaving is not the solution?

[Anonymous]

Well I can only go by the info. You've provided and based on what you said I feel you both truly care for each other. That is a good starting point. I'm going to start where I think you made your mistake. It SOUNDS like you let the floodgates open and told him as you said, "all the ways he's hurt you". The truth is everyone hurts the people they love from time to time, it's inevitable. I'm just GUESSING you probably don't complain much? If that's true that's a mistake. Because it comes off as inconsistent to never, or rarely complain and then just let'er rip one day. If my assessment is wrong about you I apologize. Communication is paramount in a relationship. You need to let your partner know when he hurts you but you also need to let him know when he's making you adore him. You teach people how to treat you in life believe it or not. And if someone loves you generally they want to please you.
Now let me speak on him. I really don't like the way he reacted. If he really loves you he took a bailout in my opinion. He took the easy way out and said "well I just can't please you", and walked away. Based on the way he's acted since. My guess is he did it because he knew you were upset, new he couldn't easily fix it, or was just not wanting to try at the time (don't blame him for that we guys are NOT always as dialed into our feelings as we should be. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you). So by saying " well I just can't make you happy" it's telling you that, hey I make a honest effort with you and I still fall short sometimes. But I have feelings too". He knows you love him and I think he was using that against you to bail himself out at the moment. I think since he's realized all you bring to his life, he knows he doesn't want to lose you over this. So now he's trying to make amends for whatever you feel hurt for. Because he still doesn't really get it I think. But he wants to.
In summary I think the next time you talk to him it needs to be free of any criticism and you BOTH need to work harder on communication free of emotion. Let him know what bothers you in smaller increments. And remember to acknowledge what he does right. So he doesn't feel he's failing you. And keep in mind it is possible. You guys might just not be a good fit for each other. I hope that's not the case because it does at least feel like you truly love each other.
Good luck!

[Asker]

Yes that makes complete sense! He hasn’t 100% said we are back together, but he’s being thoughtful and ordered me more food today (more than I asked). Offered to get me more stuff (I’m going on a trip soon). How should I praise him for being so kind?

[Opinion Owner]

It's not about praising him. And don't say things that aren't true. Just be true to your heart when he does right. Let him know he did right. Let him know when he's made you feel good. You're not only making him fell good but you're giving him positive re-inforcement. When he knows you appreciate it he's more likely to duplicate that type of behavior.

[Asker]

Ok that makes sense :) what is an example of positive reinforcement? Just thank you for doing xyz, it made me feel ____. ?

[Opinion Owner]

Well you have to kind of Taylor that to the guy. Some guys you need to spell it out for. Some guys are more intuitive lol.
I had a ladyfingers that said when I make time for her kid it was the same to her if I had given her a bouquet of flowers. I got the sentiment. She didn't need to encourage me to make time for her child. He's a great kid. But it was nice to know how she felt about it. I don't know if that helps? I use this example because it's something small to me, something I wanted to do anyhow. But apparently it was a big thing in her book. Understand? Try to understand what little things have big motivators in his mind.
I always like to say when you're with the RIGHT person. Someone who truly gets you. Love is much easier. Because you WANT to make the other person happy. Because the love you give comes back to you threefold.

[Opinion Owner]

Lady friend* lol @ G@G changing it to ladyfingers. I need to proofread better before hitting send

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

No problem good luck to you both.

[Asker]

Thank you! Fingers crossed!! You think he didn’t mean to leave me since he’s offering to buy me things?

[Opinion Owner]

Time will tell for certain. I can tell you I wouldn't make a turn-a-round that quick unless I felt I had screwed up. Love is about being present. You pretty much have to gauge it by more good moments than bad. You know the old saying "everyone you love is going to hurt you at some point. you just have to determine who's worth bleeding for".

[Asker]

Yes exactly! I just find it weird how he’s offering to buy me things now after ‘breaking up’

[caring__1]

Whatever you focus on is what you'll get more of. If you're critical of negative, you'll get more negative, if you're appreciative of positive, you'll get more positive. If you focus on what you don't want, you'll get more of what you don't want; if you focus on what you do want, you'll get more of what you do want.

Stroking his ego is showing appreciation for his qualities or things he has done that impress you. Share what you do like rather than pointing out all the things you don't like. He'll distance himself from you if he feels you can never be satisfied.

[Asker]

100% true. So there’s a chance to get him back by focusing on the food instead of the bad?

[caring__1]

Only if the food is good.