Why do men say they want women who are wife material but give attention to everything but that?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been called wife material by lots of guys. I’m a pretty girl with a pretty face and nice body (not overly curvy but I am fit and in shape). I don’t post myself on social media or look for social media validation. I’m hard working as I’m a full time student in a difficult major and I work multiple jobs. I’m nice and respectful, and I’m also fun outgoing and funny. I have approached men before and dated guys (relationships didn’t work for incompatibility reasons). I have paid for the tab of dates for both me and the guy. I have gotten gifts for men I’ve dated and planned dates for men I’ve dated. I’m a supportive partner and only ask for what I can give.

Men say these are qualities of women they want but in my experience, they just take advantage of these types of women or don’t appreciate them. They also give lots more attention to women they say they dislike and spend a lot of time chasing them instead of the “good” women they say they actually want. So what should the good girls do? Should I just use my looks to my advantage and start seeking validation so I could get the attention men give to those women? Because as much as men say they want women who are good and caring their actions say otherwise.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Why do women say that they like "nice guys" but always chase for the bad boys?

The fact that you have some qualities does not say a lot as you may not have some others that will "lock" the "deal". For example, for me, I now start to getting one quality that is probably the most important among all of them which is to become confident and start asking girls out. I could be the best person (which I'm not obviously) but if I don't have confidence, then I'm not going to get out with any girl regardless of how much of a "nice guy" I am. Probably same happens for you and you lack one (or more) very important quality that makes you a "wife material".

You said that you had dates and then the relationship didn't worked for "incompatibility" reasons. Which were these reasons? This is a very important detail that you didn't mentioned. Did you had problems with them or did they? This alone can probably give you this answers you seek.

Finally, regardless of attention, please! Understand that guys give attention to sluts because we want to have sex with them but not a relationship. Why we don't give "attention" to "wife material girls"? Well... I CANNOT IMAGINE!!! It can't be the fact that we don't find one to begin with or that the fact that what makes a girl a wife material are things that make this girl not so noticeable at all (except for dressing in a nice, classy and elegant way) so we cannot give them attention if we don't know them.

[Asker]

the reasons we broke up were because of distance or just not have love languages met.

[Asker]

my point is men don’t try to seek them so complaining about how you can’t find good women is pointless because all you’re chasing are promiscuous women.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

LMAO! Most of us have made it very clear that we don't like promiscuous women and we seek ones with as few experience as possible. Shows clearly that you don't truly understand what men want and seek.

Are you promiscuous if I may ask?

[Asker]

the point of my post is what men say that want and what they actually chase and give attention to are two different things. what men fail to realize is that the women they say they want will not be there waiting for them after they finish chasing. why would we want used up goods with no morals? that’s not husband or father material.

no i’m not promiscuous.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

What you say is exactly what a lot of guys say. I wish that the masses will at some people understand that there are better and worse people and that not everyone is the same.

I'm glad that you are not promiscuous and I truly hope that you find what you're looking for very soon!

[bamesjond0069]

1. You might not be wife material. Personally this was a red flag "I’m hard working as I’m a full time student in a difficult major and I work multiple jobs."

And this "I have approached men before"

And this "I have paid for the tab of dates for both me and the guy."

And this "planned dates for men I’ve dated."

And this "only ask for what I can give."

Based off what you wrote alone, I'd choose another woman for serious relationship but since you say you're attractive I'd be into casual sex with you.

2. "Men say these are qualities of women they want" no, this is what very immature men or men who are having a hard time fulfulling a masculine role say they want. These are the guys who like IG models and watch lots of porn and stuff like that.

3. "They also give lots more attention to women they say they dislike and spend a lot of time chasing them instead of the “good” women..." you don't get to decide what men find to be a good woman. As I said in point 1, you don't really seem like the good woman type, you may not sleep around but you seem like the ideal casual sex candidate basically.

4. "Should I just use my looks to my advantage and start seeking validation" sure if you just want to double down on being the kind of girl men don't give a shit about.

[Asker]

I don’t date traditional men or want a traditional relationship. If that’s what you want or deal with, that’s good for YOU. Not everyone lives that way though. So I respect your opinion and thanks for commenting but you’re not a man I would consider an option anyways.

[Asker]

I don’t want a traditional relationship and you’re way too old. So i’m not your type and you’re definitely not mine. Glad we could come to a conclusion :)

[Asker]

I wouldn’t even be into having sex with someone old like you so we’re all good!

[bamesjond0069]

1. Hello again. You're another account who is the same person who says the same thing. I could post a question what is 1 plus 1? And I say 2. And you would respond "you're old".

2. This goes for basically all men. Modern men don't believe in old fashioned institutions like marriage and such. So you're barking up the wrong tree. How to get an old fashioned relationship from a modern man... you generally dont.

[Asker]

I made my account two days ago? I’m just saying because of your age your not even someone I consider desirable. So while I respect your opinion, it holds little value because of that. That’s all I’m saying.

[bamesjond0069]

Why would my age matter? Was I not 18, 19, 20 etc before? No man that age that would want a girl with a job is going to be serious about her. I sure wasn't then and I sure wouldn't be now. Not seeing how age is relevant since I'm not trying to date you. Although if you don't date guys with brown eyes would my opinion as a brown eyed man be useless too? Sounds more like you just don't like to hear what you don't want to hear. If you had all the answers why even post? The fact is you don't. I am a man and I have not been serious with girls just like you because they are like you. I have guy friends we all talk about these things. I'm certainly not alone in my thinking however I'm definitely more transparent then most men because most men don't give a fuck to even say what they think because that's not how men operate. We generally don't feel compelled to teach everyone how things work unless it's someone we already care about.

[Asker]

Well you said I wouldn’t date you when you wouldn’t even be in my dating pool in the first place. So your thoughts about what you want or like is irrelevant because I wouldn’t even give you a change in the first place. Do you understand now?

[bamesjond0069]

Lol yes I get it now but logically makes no sense. It doesn't matter who is in your pool, it matters who you are in their pool. You can only date whoever you want on any criteria you want however if nobody else matches that your selection criteria is not sufficiently able to create a match. I'm trying to tell that most men will not have you in their pool for "wife or similar status" based off the things you wrote. I notice there is an overabundance of women like you and so generally when there is lots of something available people don't really value it much. But most women like you I've met don't want to hear that and just continue on about how they have problems with dating. Then they are offered suggestions like I am offering you and the response is always, you're just one man, everyone else loves it. Well if that's the case why don't you have what you want already? Just saying.

There are two general categories of men and your overall issue is you are a modern woman who clearly is not into dating modern men. Modern men don't want traditional relationships. You're cross wired. If you want a traditional relationship you need a traditional man. To get a traditional man you need to be a traditional girl. If you want to be modern you need to please modern men and that will get you a modern relationship. Modern relationships are highly casual, not based on commitment, often don't include marriage... often include gender bending roles ie will you accept a man who doesn't work and intends to be a homemaker? I mean you can't have it both ways.

[bamesjond0069]

But I'll tell you it's very very common because I'm ultra traditional and I get so many purple haired feminists and such trying to date me. Just as many or more than traditional women. So it's not just you doing this.

[Asker]

Got you. I’ll just have fun then. Thanks!

[FilmGuy93]

Because those guys are chasing after a fantasy. Wife material is an internal thing, not flashy and external.

[Anonymous]

The things you listed as wife material are spot on. Good men who are looking for a wife are definitely looking for a woman with those things.

But you are only 20 years old, and marriage is not on the minds of most guys close to your age. In fact, most guys your age are thinking they will never want to get married, ever. That's understandable given what marriage has become these days. Marriage in general does not offer men nearly the same benefits marriage of the past did, half of marriages end in divorce, and women initiate 70% - 80% of them. Do you think any of that sounds appealing to men in their early 20s? Nope. They are focused more on the one thing that still makes modern women valuable, which is sex, and casual sex is easier for today's men to get than ever before. That's why you see most men your age going after low quality but "available' women.

The best advice I can give you is to maintain your standards, continue working on the things that make you a high value woman (can you cook?), and be patient. Hold out for a good man who is worthy of you as a high value woman. You'll find him.

[Asker]

Doesn’t seem like the risk is worth the reward especially since men think that it’s okay to mess around and still gain a quality woman. I’ll just have fun I guess.

[Opinion Owner]

"I just think it’s funny how men say they want one thing but they don’t actually want that"

Keep in mind that men see two groups of women... the ones they just want to fuck, and the ones they want to marry. The latter group is definitely characterized by the traits you listed. Based on how you describe yourself, you should be grateful the guys looking for the former group are not pursuing you.

Also remember that there are too few of the marriageable women today, and too many of the fuckable ones. That's a big part of why you are experiencing what you describe here.

[Opinion Owner]

Suit yourself, but remember there WILL be a cost to becoming one of the fuckable ones.

[Asker]

Okay well the guys are the doing the same thing so it is what it is. Don’t say you want marriage material women and them neglect those women. You can’t have it both ways.

[Asker]

What good woman will waste her valuable traits on a man who is washed up and jaded and who has been with a whole bunch of other women because it was “fun”. If you’re saying most men are that way then there is nothing of value for good women to marry anyways.

[Opinion Owner]

But we actually can have it both ways. Most guys DO want to fuck easy girls when they are younger, and then marry one of the good ones when they are older, and women allow that. The problem is that women simply have lower standards for that behavior in men than men have in women. That's a women problem, not a men problem.

That didn't used to be the case, but women reset the expectations about casual sex, and significantly diminished the pool of good marriageable women. What we are seeing today was inevitable given those facts. Women have shot themselves in the foot, so to speak. Man have created their own problems, but the problem we are discussing here is of women's making.

[Opinion Owner]

"What good woman will waste her valuable traits on a man who is washed up and jaded and who has been with a whole bunch of other women because it was “fun”"

The answer: most women

[Asker]

Well i’m not waiting around for a guy to go through his whore phase and I’m not wasting my youth and beauty on an old man who has a whole bunch of baggage. So the alternative is to just have fun.

[Asker]

I don’t know any women who would accept that but I surround myself with likeminded people.

[Opinion Owner]

The best advice I can give you is to stay the course, uphold your standards, and use the power you have as a 20-something woman to find a good man before you reach age 30, because after that it becomes much harder for you, and your choices will almost certainly be limited to the "used up" men you mentioned.

[Asker]

Keep in mind all the women around me are like me and are seeing the same problem. So men are also hurting their chances of finding good women later when they fuck around instead of choosing good women. Because good women have standards and expectations they expect to be met. And men don’t understand that.

[Opinion Owner]

Your choice. Bets of luck

[Asker]

I’d rather be alone :)

[Opinion Owner]

Gotta run now.

Cheers

[tzdc21]

They want those other type of women with qualities they dislike just to have sex with them. But they know better than to take those women seriously. See, when it comes to men, there's sexual attraction, and then there's relationship attraction. However, you're making the same mistake that a lot of other women are making nowadays with men, in thinking that both are the same. THEY'RE NOT. They will have sex with the girls with the bad attitudes and horrible attributes because they satisfy the SEXUAL ATTRACTION for them. But they know that when it comes to a relationship, they are a bad bet. So when they say they are looking for a good women, they mean they are looking for a good woman to take seriously and WIFE.

[Asker]

So how do I find the men who aren’t like that because I don’t want a washed up male who’s been around the block and then wants to use me and my good qualities when they all of a sudden want to settle down. That’s not husband material to me.

[tzdc21]

Well I don't have a full concrete strategy for you, but I do know this. A lot of those guys that won't do that are often times ignored by women. It's unfortunate, but it's true. Maybe try and go for the guys who aren't always the ones that stand out the most. I'll even use myself as an example: I'm not someone who is taking advantage of a woman, because I know for damn sure I wouldn't want her to take advantage of me. And I tend to stay in the shadows, so I'm not always 'out there in the open' like a bunch of those other guys. But they do exist. One thing I would do is to not go to bars or clubs, because that will attract the wrong type of people.

[Asker]

Great plan. Thanks!

[tzdc21]

And for all I know, those guys could have been standing right in front of you, but you just never noticed them. Keep an open mind when it comes to guys, even the quiet ones in the corner who keep to themselves. Because that quiet guy just may be the one that doesn't take advantage of you (that's not a guarantee, but it's less likely), as opposed to a guy who is frequently up and out and talking to everyone.

[tzdc21]

Don't mention it!

[Lionman95]

I think you do all you could but you probably need to have patience because many guys take longer to mature than you women. The reason is that few guys grow up with a clear picture in mind of what a man is and what exactly is expected of them. Since guys generally either are to figure that out for themselves many get lost on the way and few find out what they shall do in their early life.
Speaking for myself I figured out myself and my life at the age of 25/26. It´s because I got lost in porn for many years and because I took longer to get to know what masculinity is.
Maybe look for guys that are like 3-5 years older than you.

[Asker]

not wasting my youth on old men

[Lionman95]

I´m not talking about really old guys, but about guys that are few years older than you. But besides that maybe look for a hobby or some real life activities where you could meet guys that you´re comfortable doing. Because chances could be that you´ll meet a guy there.

[inhua]

which type of "men" are you referring to? the average middle-class man? the below average lazy man? the superior handsome rich man? the rebellious bad boy?

the attention that other women are getting isn't relationship attention. it's just sexual attention meaning those other women are seen as sex objects who portray themselves as such to men. don't get it confused.

there are men out there looking for wives but do these men fit into your criteria? maybe expand your demographic a bit like height, looks, age, race, wealth etc?

would a 5'6" 40 year old cement truck driver who owns a decent house and a decent car suffice?

[Asker]

i don’t want to date anyone over 25 and he needs to be taller than me. and when i say men i’m referring to all types of men. majority of men are the same.

[Asker]

the men also needs to be physically attractive unless he would be okay with me being intimate with men i actually find physically attractive. i have a strong preference for white men but will date anything besides black men. wealth doesn’t really matter as long as he’s not poor and is financially stable.

[inhua]

well most men under 25 ain't really husband material. many of them have only been in the workplace for a few years thus they aren't financially stable enough to support a marriage let alone a family if that is what you also want eventually. most men especially young men get ignored by women their age so they might as well do their own thing and let the dominoes fall in place.

[Asker]

well i want to build with someone so men around my age are ideal for that. i also find old guys unattractive and they often have tons of baggage and are jaded and i don’t want to spend my youth with that.

[inhua]

what sort of baggage are you referring to? in what way are they jaded? are you sure you're not describing a Vietnam war veteran?

[Asker]

the baggage that comes with old age and the history and usage that old men have gone through. as someone who is young and youthful with fire still in my eyes i will not waste those qualities on an old man. i’d rather build with someone than to waste my valuable years on someone who has been used up.

[Asker]

also bring a mom is my #1 life goal and i prioritize having healthy children. i work in a fertility clinic and it’s a known fact that sperm declines as men get older. the chances of the kid being born with a mental and/or physical deformity also increases drastically as a man ages, especially once he hits 38. so not only are men used up and have lots of baggage and a past, they also produce faulty children. that’s not what i want to deal with.

[Asker]

most sperm clinics don’t accept sperm after a man hits 35 and urge younger men to donate. older men also are physically unattractive as they tend to let themselves go. they start balding, getting fat and using terms like “dad bod” to deny the fact that they’re fat, get beer bellies, receding hairlines, etc. younger men look so much better and are so much more attractive i an only have sexual intimacy with someone i find attractive. sex with an old man would feel like rape. younger men are so much better in every aspect really.

[inhua]

the baggage isn't preventable even if you happen to find a man your age. for men, the transition from boyhood to manhood requires some form of baggage and he's gonna have to go through it sooner or later. assuming he can get past it, baggage is a good thing because it demonstrates he knows, has experienced and understands how to overcome problems. a man without any baggage might as well be as a Peter Pan who doesn't need to have any responsibility for his life.

[Asker]

i don’t expect for anyone to be blemish free but the older you get the more baggage you have. i’m not going to waste my youth on damaged goods that have increased chances of producing faulty children and these damaged goods don’t even look attractive so i would never desire them. the only thing older men have going for them is money but i want to BUILD with someone. i don’t want to be with someone who already has it made.

[inhua]

do whatever you wish but you shouldn't be surprised how limited your options are when you're putting limits on your options. the type of man you're looking for is probably already in a relationship with someone else or they are living in a remote community on the other side of the world. if faulty children are produced, the mother's health plays a larger role in the health of the baby than the father's health. the father's health only determines his ability to impregnate the mother.

[Asker]

the last sentence isn’t true. as i told you previously i literally work in a women’s health and fertility clinic. i know what’s needed for healthy impregnation. and old men are not ideal for any woman who wants to produce healthy babies. this is not your field to speak on. it’s mine.

[inhua]

in what way is my last sentence not true? last I checked, only a baby is growing inside the mother not the father. no one is saying older sperm is more ideal than younger sperm. health problems in children can come from many factors to simply pin the blame on old sperm.
if my last sentence isn't true there wouldn't be healthy people alive today who have a father that's older than their mother.

[Asker]

all i’m saying is that older sperm has been correlated with mental and physical health issues regardless of the mother’s age. old sperm does not produce healthy children majority of the time. every health professional knows this.

[inhua]

if this was the case, then the oldest sibling would be the strongest and healthiest over all other siblings which isn't always the case. physical and mental health issues can come from anywhere. age and health aren't the same. older healthy parents can still produce healthier children than younger unhealthy parents. it would be harder due to fertility issues but nonetheless not impossible

[Asker]

never said it was impossible. it’s just highly unlikely.

[loveslongnails]

What you should do is remember that most men don't get married until they're 30-34! If you're looking for a guy who wants to start a family or settle down in his early to mid 20's, you're going to be very disappointed. Late 20's maybe, but till then, "wife material" is just something to say while you're screwing your brains out and having fun. How old are you?

[Asker]

I’m 20 and I refuse to waste my youth on an old man

[Asker]

I just think it’s funny how men say they want one thing but they don’t actually want that

[loveslongnails]

That's fine, I'm just giving you the stats and the facts! Not since 1982 has the median marrying age for men been below 25, and it's been going up bit by bit ever since. In 2021, the median marrying age for males was 30.4. I don't converse with many 20 -25-year-old guys, but when I was 25 and you mentioned "wife material", it meant "she's someone I could see being happy with AFTER I'm done fucking around, whenever that is". I wish you good fortune!!

[Nahid1707]

i understand that you want Love
Dating is difficult yes
You’ll find someone
Continue to carry yourself as a women with confidence and with her own goals
They make you stand out
Hope everything is good for you with college as you mentioned as you’re a student

[Jamie05rhs]

This is a good question. But I admit that I don't have enough information to answer it. I don't know enough about your situation.

What were the incompatibility issues that you faced in your past relationships?

[Asker]

Moving away to college for one and my most recent ex did not meet my needs which caused resentment

[Jamie05rhs]

How did he not meet your needs?

[Asker]

Did not attempt to do the things I told him make me feel loved and desired despite me telling him numerous times.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. Which things are those?

[Asker]

To plan dates and get me things like flowers and little things like that. My ex never planned any dates (I always did) and didn’t even get me anything for Valentine’s Day. It just started to cause resentment and I had to end things with him.

[Asker]

For a year I told him what i needed and wanted to have a successful relationship and he never put any effort to accommodate me. I couldn’t date him anymore as a good partner will at least try to meet you halfway when you express you’re unfulfilled.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh, wow. He didn't? What a loser!

[Asker]

Yeah I genuinely tried to push it off and keep moving forward but the resentment just kept building. I have no hate against him, we just weren’t compatible.

[Jamie05rhs]

That's not even a compatibility issue. That's a him being an asshole issue.

[Asker]

Yeah I guess

[TheSpaceGnome]

If you don't advertize in some way, no one you like will find you.

[Asker]

i’ve approached guys i’m interested in

[TheSpaceGnome]

How long did you know them before becoming interested?

[Asker]

it ranges. i’ve done cold approaches and approaches after knowing said guys for a good amount of time. i prefer to go for what i want so i don’t mind approaching men instead of waiting for them to approach me.

[TheSpaceGnome]

it takes a few years of being someone's best friend to really get to know them, otherwise you are relying on blind luck as to how they will turn out romantically.

What you want exists, but compatibility considered, its unlikely your matches are in your local area, and either way, you will meet a sea of inompatible people beore meeting a match, you just gotta put up with it until you luck out.

[Paul09]

No clue. I don't want "wife material". I don't believe in marriages. I don't want kids either. Im looking for someone with the same values. And interests.