How do I become more of a magnet to people and make them want to initiate get togethers with me?

[Bethany22]

I am tired of having no effect on people. I give men compliments and show my appreciation for their virtues, but it doesn't seem to give them fuel to keep going, let alone make them fall in love with me. What do I need to do differently?

[SteveSmith1985]

I have been thinking about your question while eating lunch. I have a lot to say, but it's not in any coherent form. But this question bothered me since I first read it. I just feel like you're looking at this from the wrong angle. Looking at this whole thing the "wrong" way.

So your whole premise of wanting to have more of an effect on men, generally is maybe the wrong way to look at it.

You want to have an effect, sure. But only on those particular men that you're interested in yourself. So it's not a matter of doing something to make you more 'impactful' to men generally. It's concentrating on making an impression on the specific guys that you're interested in. Don't look at this as being 'impactful on men' look at it as being impactful ON THIS ONE GUY.

The wanting them to initiate get togethers (dates) because of the impact you've had on them is wrongheaded. You should be trying to have an impact in some way that 'makes him want to' initiate a get together. If you want a specific guy to ask you out. Ask him out. YOU initiate the get together. It's silly to leave that up to him alone.

If you're one of those girls who just believes that it's the man's job to ask women out... I don't really know what to tell you. I guess you have to suffer and hope and wonder. But that seems pretty silly to me. When you can ask the same as he can.

I think though, that the main problem is how you envision somebody falling in love with you.

I'll mention that I'm a sucker for love. A big fan. And that's what I've always been looking for myself. So I'm on the same page there.

Complimenting my virtues ISN"T going to be enough to make me think a girl likes me, and thus follow-that up.

I don't know what context you're complimenting these men, nor their relation to you. That's going to make a difference too. (e. g. Work-friend, regular friend; acquaintance, stranger; and whether it's at work or at the bar etc.)

I don't know you, at all. I don't think we've ever talked. Nevertheless I do see what you post all the time, and so have formed a general impression of you. Obviously I could be completely wrong in my assumptions about you. Because... I don't know you. So forgive me if this next bit seems out-of-left-field.

You seem to me, like you're an analytical, thoughtful person. I imagine you... not as a "serious" person. But I don't see you as the type to do a whole lot of the joke/teasing kind of flirting that often characterizes the clearest cases of flirting. Do you know what I mean? You aren't the type to hide this guy's favorite pen, so you can both flirt as he accuses you, you deny it and are both all giggly as he tries to look through your desk while you jokingly try and prevent him from doing so. That's just not you right?

I'm not saying that you need to be that way, nor that you should try to be more that way. But the reason that type of flirting works, isn't so much because of the joking nature of it. It's because of the SUSTAINED NATURE of it.

When people are flirty with each other like that. It establishes that flirty dynamic between them which lasts. The next day... that girl who stole the pen and that guy... are going to flirt MORE... AGAIN. Because they have that dynamic. So it won't be a pen this time. But they will flirt AGAIN in some different way.

THAT"S what tells someone you're interested in them. It's not that one day with the stolen pen that's going to make that guy think the girl likes him. It's the ongoing flirting over time. It's the idea that a guy can think "hmm... is she maybe interested"... and then get confirmation after confirmation (the ongoing flirting) that she does like you.

Even the way you chose to describe it: "complimenting their virtues" suggests that you might be on somewhat of a wrong track when it comes to what a guy is likely to think about that.

I know that I certainly don't assume a girl likes me because she compliments me on something. It happens regularly enough. And I'm quite sure that most, if not all of those girls WEREN"T hoping I would follow-up their comment by assuming it meant she wanted anything more.

If someone tells me I've got a great smile, or that I'm smart, or good at this-or-that. I am flattered. I appreciate it. But I take it for what it is, on its face. Just a compliment about something specific that this person liked enough to mention it.

Now, if the SAME girl were to compliment my smile. Then the next day or next week she made some OTHER comment (a compliment or in some other form) that might suggest she likes me. If this girl seems to have more compliments or is giving me other signs she might like me... then TAKEN TOGETHER I'm going to start thinking maybe there's something there.

That's because it's essentially the same as the SUSTAINED flirting example. You are telling me you might maybe be interested (compliment)... but essentially multiple times. You seem different from the rest of the girls who give me a compliment. You seem to have a lot that you like about me. Maybe you like me.

So you need to go out of your way to show the SPECIFIC guy you're after that you are particularly interested in HIM.

People (guys and girls) are generally inclined to doubt someone likes them if there is any case to be made that perhaps they don't. This is everybody. Everybody does this except for obnoxiously cocky people.

It's only the SUSTAINED NATURE of flirting that makes it effective in most cases. Not in all cases. But most. Even someone you just met. You'd have to pack in all those signs your interested into a few minutes/hours. But it's still the ongoing nature of the attention that's going to make a guy think you're into him.

Something about your wording about "making him fall in love with you" bugs me. I could just be reading way too much into your choice of words.

But you don't make a guy fall in love with you. First, it should be specific particular guys you're talking about here. Second, it just doesn't work that way. The process of falling in love with you is going to happen as you're getting to really know somebody right? It's not like you're trying to intrigue and fascinate this guy into developing some crush on you. You're trying to get him to know you better.

A guy will fall in love with you, when it's the right guy, and as you're getting to know each other, you seem more and more like the right girl. You're just trying to get to that "lets get to know each other and see" stage. Don't even worry about the falling in love part. That will happen without any help from you, on its own. Once you start things off with the right guy, and you two become increasingly close.

Right now, all you need to see is "potential." And that's all you should hope or expect a guy to possibly see in you until you really get to know each other. So you're really not trying to make a guy fall in love with you. Even if that's what you want. You don't want anything like that right now (you can't. You don't know each other very well yet).

Something about how you're looking at this seems wrong. But it's hard for me to put my finger on exactly. But these are pieces of what seem wrong about it to me.

If this is for a specific guy you've got your eye on. Then you need to KEEP flirting (or complimenting or just making a point to talk to him more, or to be near him physically). If you want to let a guy know you're interested. The way to do that is by showing him more attention than other girls and more attention than you have shown to that guy in the past.

Make it obvious that you enjoy his company, want to be near him, and think highly of him. Just basically talk to him more. Go out of your way to seek him out specifically to chat, joke etc with him. Make him notice that "you always seem to want to be near him".

But it still has to be the right guy to end up in love. And the way to figure that out is to get to know him better. Don't expect a guy to think you're the greatest girl in the world, until he gets to know you better. All you want is for a guy to realize you like him, and to see POTENTIAL that things might work with you. And, again... you can ask to takes things to the next step just as easily as he can. So there's really no excuse for wondering why some guy won't make a move. Make a move yourself! 🙂

[Bethany22]

Thank you @SteveSmith1985, that's really helpful advice! I will try to use that technique of continuously complimenting a guy that I currently like. When I like a guy, there are usually numerous things I like about him anyway, so that should be easy enough to do :D.

[SteveSmith1985]

Well, you know... I can fully see why it seems like that's exactly what I was saying. And maybe it even was what I was saying; but it's not quite what I meant.

You don't want to go overboard with the compliments. You cannot rely on them.

Compliments are one "signal" you can send to a guy you like (a very clear and obvious one too. Which is just fine. good actually)

But you need to send him DIFFERENT signals along with your compliments. In fact, compliments shouldn't even be a "main" way you try and send a guy signals.

If WILL work. I mean if you find different things to compliment him about on a sustained basis, he will come to understand that you like him. But doing so paints you in a less than flattering light. It would be the equivalent of a guy giving too many compliments to a girl to express how interested he is in her. You've seen that before. You may even have been on the receiving end of it before. It's not a wise way to go.

There are a billion different ways people let each other know they're interested (think about all the questions about "does this mean they like me" or "what does it mean when someone..." questions on GAG).

[SteveSmith1985]

But what it all comes down to is: Showing that someone is more special to you, than everyone else. That is the central thing.

So complimenting someone is a way to signal maybe you see them as special because you find something about them appealing or laudable.

But some of the other main ways are going to involve PAYING HIM MORE ATTENTION.

That is what a lot of subtle signs and signals (aka "flirting") comes down to. So there are little easy ways to do this. One of the easiest and most obvious to someone, is: "To always seem to want to be near them."

A guy will notice that. It's something sustained. And it doesn't have the drawbacks of over-complimenting him. But if you seem to always seek out his company in particular. To be interested in what he's saying in a way you don't with everyone else. Seem to always want to be standing/sitting next to him as much as possible. And let him catch you staring at him a little.

Show him that he's important to you. If you know his mother's in the hospital because it was mentioned in the past. Ask him how his mother's doing. Show him you're thinking about him.

If you add in other signs with fewer compliments (the amount you're already doing that is probably fine. And there is definitely a "too much") than a guy can quickly start to see you're interesed.

Because the girl who said I have a nice smile AND who seems to always want to be around, AND who seems to think everything I say is really interesting and important AND who I catch sometimes checking me out from across the room.

I know that girl likes me. And it looks way better on her to do it that way, than to find a bunch of other things she can compliment me about. Just mix-it-up. That's all 🙂

[Bethany22]

Thank you for the really detailed advice :D

[SteveSmith1985]

I didn't want to give you the wrong advice. I couldn't let you overcompliment this guy because of something I suggested. 😋

[Stevefiveo]

Hmm, you've got the face from what I can see in your picture. Judging from your posts, you seems like a very smart woman. Target the guys you like and ask them to coffee. I'm not sure why they lose their interest without knowing you better. Has any guy ever told you why?

[MarkHrdman]

She doesn't give them a chance to have an interest in her because she's to busy being a bitch about men.

[FilmGuy93]

To a certain extent, you'll have to chalk that up to people being self centered. But as far as having an effect on people; learn how to be confident in your own skin and never force anything.

There's something about being effortless that makes people want to put effort into you.

[MarkHrdman]

Its probably because you come across as there boss or talk down to men as if theyre a dog & rely on your dildo in your purse to be more man that anyone but settling unrealistic expectations. Like porn.

For you to want to start with love & be grossed out by any form of sexual attraction, long lasting then its obvious that you're viewing prospects all wrong because the very idea of love as opposed to sex by very definition is gross because of your contempt for men.

It should be simple. Throw out your dildo and throw on a pimp thung, ready to embrace the experience of being fucked & engage in eye contact with someone as if theyre ready to engage in pillow talk after sex because thats what love is & you use the work "them", so obviously youve got a few guys youve fantasiesed about but you should lower the bar on your expectations in hopes that a man will love you for more then your pussy and im sure you'll have a rewarding time.

If all else fails, to being an escort and see if that helps with your love life.

[Heterosketero]

Its not you Bethany, its society. One thing to consider is that you are 22. People used to start families at 15, but the world has chaged a lot. We now seek educations and opportunities in our 20s that 100 years ago, nobody had. As a result, people tend to settle closer to 30 or even 40 these days. can't buy a house, build resources to ask a woman to marry. Of course, men are also less trusting in prospects of relationahips in our time, to say nothing of sexual liberty eroding everyones want or need for a traditional intimate relationship.

I am 43, so dont take this the wrong way, but you look like a smoking hot young woman to me, but not one I would meet at the club at last call if you take my meaning. You look like what you want so I dont think its you.

Id say focus on self improvement, carreer, etc. Men in a relationship with a woman who can hold her own know they can pack up and leave and will respond to a need for greater commitment with greater commitment. Sounds like he's playing games and its time to grow up a bit. Good luck ma'am.

[Heterosketero]

Sorry Bethany, 28, I dont know where I got 22.

[metalheadphysicist]

Most people in this world are not initiators. I am in a friend group that literally never meets up. That's not because they don't want to, but they are waiting for others to get everything sorted. I used to get annoyed and frustrated about this, but its quite a good thing because you can generally tailor the meet ups to your preferences. Unless you have some really bad character issues, I wouldn't worry about it. Work on yourself and eventually someone will come into your life who is also an initiator.

[SteveSmith1985]

Holy shit! A 16 year old with good taste in music? I didn't even know that could happen! You almost gave me whiplash! (😎)

(look, I don't have kids. But I'm at the age for dad jokes. Just roll your eyes and move on. Let me be pleased with myself here. I used to be cool. It'll happen to you too.)

[metalheadphysicist]

with these jokes you've got to have no remorse

(dad jokes are the best type of joke. don't worry, it will never happen to me: i'm too elite :))

[SteveSmith1985]

I laughed so goddamn hard at this. Like so so hard. I mean like a belly laugh. And I want to thank you for that.

I hate to break-it-to-you... but if you like dad jokes; and you can whip-out a dad-joke that good, that fast... it's already happening to you. That's how it happens. Sneakily.

I am telling you the honest truth here.

I tried really really hard to come up with a dad-joke reply involving song-titles from Kill 'em All. I am emberassed to tell you just how hard and how long I put in real mental effort to figure something out. I genuinely taxed my brain.

I came up with nothing worthy of including.

The best I got was "You made me laugh so hard... something something something... Hit The Lights!

But I was super disappointed in anything I could come up with. You deserve better than a bad bad-joke.

I'm always telling people on here to be "open and honest, and to be the first one willing to put their cards on the table". It's how I live my life. I can't take it any other way.

[metalheadphysicist]

@SteveSmith1985 thankyou.

Noooo 😭😭 I WILL avoid the inevitable... hopefully...

Don't stress too hard about coming up with these dad jokes, it's like pulling teeth. Gotta wait until the time is right. (OK I will stop now, but the opportunity was too good to miss).

[SteveSmith1985]

hahahahahaha Dammit!!!

I KNEW you were going to come back at me with one. I just KNEW it! And the goddamn vocal-less track that I always would fast forward on my walkman (not... a joke). I knew you would somehow do exactly this. I don't wanna hear how great Cliff Burton was. The song... is the least good on the album.

I hope the other cool kids realize how cool you are. (well actually, maybe not. Not with your dad-joke skills, and music from the 1980's. Me though, I am more impressed by than I think I've got words to properly describe). You are the Queen of corny-Metallica-puns. I bow to your superior skills.

[metalheadphysicist]

@SteveSmith1985 ok I will concede the song ranks lowest on the album, especially the first half. Improved quality and more drums and it would be miles better. But, Cliff Burton was amazing, I will say this time and time again. Oh the times when you could actually hear the bass in Metallica - I'm looking at you, Jason Newstead 😡.

If your definition of cool is talking to middle-aged men on the Internet and listening to a 40 year old band, then I am cooler than absolute zero. I thankyou for your compliment, but I would rather refer to myself as the 'Pun'tom Lord, or maybe the Master of 'pun'pets. Ok now that was bad 😅

[SteveSmith1985]

@metalheadphysicist

Go with Master of 'pun'pets. Also, start putting together a team (The 'pun'pets). You could be a batmat villain (that cheesy 70's batman... I... somehow feel like you're familiar with this old-ass show too).

I am all about Jason Newstead. Those are my Metallica years. I don't even know (or care) who they replaced him with.

Now, I need to tell you one thing about talking to "middle-aged" men on the internet... tf you mean "middle aged"?

What. The hell?

I feel like I met a cool 16 year old girl with good taste in music and excellent skills at puns and dad jokes. Then after some plesant conversation, she just... kicks me right in the nut. Now I'm writhing on the ground holding myself and groaning out..."Why? I... I thought we were cool?" As you stand there like you didn't just kick me in the nuts just now.

I'm turning 38 next week... I don't want to hear about "math" and "life expectancies" or any of that bullshit. You do not call a 38 year old dude "middle aged!." Get outta here with that nonsense. Also... for the record, old ladies... don't call them "old ladies" when you're talking TO them! Jeeeeez. I think this heavy metal music is having a negative effect on you. You used to be so polite (I assume. At some point).

Thanks for fucking with my head. And for the puns. Mostly the puns. Goddamn kids don't have any goddamn manners these days... mmm... grumble grumble... fade... (not going to pun ya. or this'll never end... but I know what it fades to. And so do you.)

[metalheadphysicist]

@SteveSmith1985 :'( I didn't mean to say YOU were middle-aged, just general population of GaG users :(( 45 is middle aged territory. But I am sorry regardless!!

Now, I feel as though I'm the one being kicked in the (metaphorical) nuts. Robert Trujillo is an amazing musician, and probably my favourite bass player for Metallica. 20 years in the band. He is not just somebody to 'replace Newstead with'. If you had have watched Some Kind of Monster, you'd have realised how crucial he was. I think he was one of the main reasons they didn't split up.

yes I am familiar with the 70's batman (one of my stepdads favourite childhood series), but no. just no. not a good idea, I hate to break it to you.

But none of this really means much anymore, because I offended you. And for that I am truly sorry. Oh well, nothing else ma... ... and I will stop there too. Good day (totally not middle aged) man on the internet.

[SteveSmith1985]

I posted a GAG question because of you you know (you are the punk-ass-kid referred to in the question).

And while I can't comment one-way or the other on Robert Trujillo. I think it's a matter of perspective. Here's where you decide you're glad you offended me, and dislike me intensely after all. For me... Metallica is everything up to and including the Black Album. I remember that 5 or 6 year hiatus. When they came back without their hair, and without the magic. I was pretty disappointed with Load, and I dropped way off after that. Now those motherf (right... you're 16...). Those dudes are middle-aged. There's no denying I'm getting up there though. It's Sad... but also... real. 😎 (the implied pun is like the sophisticated dad-joke fyi)

[OfMiceandMen]

Based my limited knowledge of you on here, I can say your attractive (based on photo) and well spoken/knowledgeable (based on questions and response content on here), so those don't appear to be the issue.

My recommendation, is to get into something new, whether it be donate your time to a new charity, something that grows your potential circle of friends and allows you to meet more "good guys".

For instance, I have two new girl-friends that I've gotten to know from lending my time and effort to a good cause - helping turtles that have been maimed in road collisions (as I travel a lot during the summer months).

Doing good deeds, does not go unnoticed by guys you are trying to attract and shows you are more than just work and play.

[LivDev]

I don't know if anyone has said it yet but if this is about guys you need to invest in one at a time. I've been told that they sometimes have a hard time telling the difference between women being nice and being flirty.

If you invest in one guy he'll have to be mentally handicapped to not eventually pick it up. After that they normally take care of the rest. Be it telling you to take a hike or becoming the pursuer.

Being the one to initiate isn't easy, but gone are the days where a coyish smile from across the room was enough to rouse them to action... unfortunately. We kinda saw to the end of that by letting spiteful harpies speak and whine on our behalf.

[magiusX26]

1st i will address the "make them fall in love" part by letting you know, you can't make (force) anyone to love. as for the compliments, mind my asking if you are forcing yourself to do it or it comes naturally. the fact you mention them as if you are keeping a tally of or tracking them leans towards subconciously forcing yourself. another metric to help figure out if they are natural is are they only to men you find you mite want to be romantically involved with or do you also compliment some men just in passing and know its men you would never romantically care for?

[Anonymous]

Be positive around them, make jokes, be yourself and be kind. People can get drained from people who focus more on the negative things of life, people who complain a lot or are stuck up. So when you’re hanging out with them don’t get too deep too quick and don’t overshare negative stories. Try and create a fun and positive vibe and you will find people will start to feel drawn to you.

[Mansearching]

Its hard to say. Don't think you're doing anything wrong. I don't know if they're doing anything wrong either. Its more if there's a connection.

It took forever for me to get my girlfriend now. She was leary at first, so was i. Then our first date we just knew we had a connection. Then we've been together ever since. We've had our ups and downs. We even separated for awhile then got back together.

Stronger now than in past.

[DermalPunch]

Show interest in other people. They will gravitate to you. Smile. If you notice skmething you loke on a person say it. Compliment strangers. Ask them where they bought their shoes. Listen twice as much as you talk. Develop your own interests and develop who you are as a person. You will begin to shine.

[DermalPunch]

If your INTENTION is just people's approval it won't work. Care about people but not their opinion of you.

[KarinMcDonald]

Speaking for myself, I am attracted to men who show an interest in things that I like to do. If all they talk about is themselves, then I'm bored out of my mind. As I look at your avatar, (if that's a real picture of you) I think that you are very pretty. Some men are just intimidated by pretty women. They don't want to go there because they feel unworthy, or that the woman won't be attracted to them so they just don't even try.

[SomeRandomGuy89]

Start filtering guys better and mimic what you want out of the guy your pursuing. If he is reciprocal and mirrors you then you've got yourself some potential. Otherwise, quickly move on.

Also, don't give it out quickly.

As for making a man fall in love... you can't and even I cannot tell you how. It's just something that happens. I've only loved two women in my life and they were two people whose differences were more abundant then their similarities.

[Adam1978]

Why should they? Just accept that in reality most people hate people who tries to hard. It makes them false. We have a natural instinct to not accept manipulation like that into our lives. You need to enter our lives on our terms not yours. There is no magnetic people unless you count people hunting fame or wealth. Those attract people and usually not the people you want to attract.

[sheenagwapa]

don't be shock. even Eve who is from the rib of Adam she is essentially disliked by him. he is more willing to defend ither females than her who truly loves him and truly cares for him but now Eve just had enough and so now she just wish that Adam could find someone who would truly loves him and cares for him too because she just feels different, doesn't feel the same way for him anymire like before

[Anonymous]

I've found that the more you try to attract people, the more you'll push them away.
I don't like talking to people and I always keep to myself, but they always seem to be attracted to me like magnets, trying to get me to be their friend. Inviting me to things that I have no interest in going to and so forth

[Opinion Owner]

So just be friendly and keep to yourself. People will come in like flies

[Luffy1990]

Being yourself , get involved in group activities , bring it up in conversation. There are many ways (I personally struggle with this because if my awkwardness and ADHD ) .

[loveslongnails]

You need to combine being outgoing and friendly with a bit of mystery and intrigue. Complimenting a man doesn't work in your favor until you get to know him somewhat.

[melanieeeB]

True confidence... what you do lack off as far as I can tell from your questions

[Shy_Steve]

Us Guys are usually more afraid of Approaching a Girl than you are of Approaching a Guy, Nothing's gonna happen unless you actually ask us on a date and initiate Touching us and Showing Affection.

When a Girl tells a Guy She likes him, That Guy still has no idea if you mean as a Friend or a lover so just ask him to be your boyfriend if you like him or just ask him on a proper date.

[belle_kai]

Read the book "how to win friends and influence people"

[Dinosaursandanime65]

Try asking them if they ever wondered what it’d be like to be a caterpillar.

[Twalli]

You may not see the effect a simple compliment can have on a person. I'm not saying that will get them to like you, but it may make their day a lot better than it was. That's always a good thing.

[MrCommodore]

Make less effort, seem less interested, seem more elusive.

[Anonymous]

View yourself as the treasure. You are high value and don’t have the time of day for anything less in return. Also, confidence but never cockiness. People are always drawn to confidence and someone who knows their own worth. Add genuine kindness in the mix and you are in the drivers seat my friend.

[pizzalovershouse]

Just stop the things you been doing wrong an just say to a guy you have intrest in would you like to go with me to a action movie say you have a extra ticket

[Staximus]

First of all, get rid of those stripper earrings haha. Secondly, do not beg for or desperately seek their attention.

[Staximus]

Are these guys with your time and effort? If they are, then they need to know that you are worth their time and effort but you are not at their disposal. Know your worth, increase your worth.

[Staximus]

Men do not value easily obtainable women, remember that

[Vegasrunner]

For starters you need to understand what men want compliments and appreciation from random women have absolutely no value to men.

[rabbitzzz]

Magnet to people? How many guys do you need?

[thorboy]

Don't. People suck. Be happy away from them because you will meet a lot of dumb people and regret it.

[pethouse]

Read the book how to win friends and influence people

[Cheerfull009]

Be social, cheerful and have positive views for others

[LimitedBenefits101]

Why you wanna do that?