The guy wants to drive from another city to bring me a coughing medicine, should I let him?

[Anonymous]

So, that plastic surgeon I mentioned a few times, he’s been messaging me and we just swapped voice messages and he has been very attentive to me, so I was responding nicely.

Yesterday he messaged me and I felt very lazy to answer, so today I told him I am feeling unwell, cause I caught a cold and that’s why I didn’t check my mobile phone.

However, he bought a medicine and now wants to drive to me from another city, to give me this medicine…

What to do? I have a presentation to finish and I don’t want to give him false hopes, I do i deed feel grateful for his attention though and I would like to have a communication with him, because he’s very smart but but I don’t want to be obliged of anything and he seems to already start learning Georgian language.

Updates

11 mo

I told him I appreciate, but I can’t disturb him for that and wouldn’t like to see him for the first time when I am coughing.

Updates

11 mo

While this guy is very attentive to me and gave me a prescription and medical consultation when I was sick this weekend and has been messaging me non-stop, he just had a plastic surgery done to himself to make his eyes look more beautiful… I don’t know. Sounds insecure…

[ImalwaysrightOK]

I thought you said you weren't really attracted to him and still thinking about your ex fiance? Maybe you're not ready.

[Gent207-2]

You handled that well

Though he seems friendly there is a grace danger in letting someone know exactly where you live, if things go bad

[Summeroflove]

Well. You can accept it or not. But be honest with him

[msc545]

ask him to phone in a prescription to a pharmacy near you.

[msc545]

Do you really think you need a narcissist in your life?

[Asker]

Nope. What makes you think he’s a narcissist?

[msc545]

I base that on what you said about him and his self-surgery fetish.

[Asker]

Yeha, he wants to have a date with me this weekend. But I don’t know, I feel like nah…

He has helped me a lot when I was sick and when I had problems with my job he called in government to help me solve the problems.

But I don’t know… I wouldn’t like a man who has plastic surgery for such trivial reasons.

[msc545]

He is just pandering to you in order to sleep with you - he is also being very manipulative in trying to make you feel indebted to him. He can get in a LOT of trouble if he is providing medical services to you since you are not his patient.

This guy is trouble. Suggest you ditch him.

[Asker]

Little does he know I don’t sleep with men so easily. I need to trust him first and for trusting him he needs to wait more than he thinks he has to wait.

But yeah, I don’t know. I do feel indebted indeed. This weekend there was Valentine’s Day he sent me 520 $ which is a Chinese tradition to send to girlfriends, since it’s 5th month 20th day, I didn’t accept it and told him I wouldn’t accept any gifts from him at this point when we don’t even know each other. But it makes me feel overwhelmed that he is doing things like that and thinks he will win my heart this way.

[msc545]

You don't get it. He is doing these things to manipulate you into feeling GUILTY when you don't give him what he wants; What he is doing is actually HOSTILE as hell. He is used to having things go his way and getting what he wants.

Ditch him.

[Asker]

Is he doing that consciously? I wonder why would anyone try to win you with the feeling of guilt…

[msc545]

It is quite conscious. Ok, more like he is trying to create a feeling of obligation in you - like you owe him something.

It is working.

[Asker]

Then what would a non-narcissist man do to win my attention?

I feel like maybe my ex too was narcissistic too because he was doing similar things too, love bombing me in a way. (Just a thought, I don’t blame him, I was no less wrong or no leas narcissistic than him.)

[msc545]

I know what I would do - I would ignore you a bit, and increase that the more you made advances to me if you did - if you didn't I would assume you weren't interested and we could just be friends which would be easier anyway. The very last thing I would do would be to give you presents and pander to you in the hope of making you feel obligated, as it is apparent to me that you are a smart woman and that sort of thing would probably just piss you off - as it should.

[Asker]

It made me feel very uncomfortable and that’s why I didn’t accept his transfer, in Wechat, you can transfer money directly. That was unexpected and not something I appreciate. However I felt very thankful that he gave me some advice and attention when I had a high fever, because I was alone and scared. But now that I no longer have a fever, I figured my interest decreased as well 🤣

Especially after hearing he has just had a surgery on his eyes.

[Asker]

I have one more question, I have only had one relationship and my ex boyfriend did his best to win my heart, I mean, he did so many things that a lot of men wouldn’t do for a girl they just started datong. Eventually I fell for him, but in the beginning I was feeling a bit upset that he made me hurry up to fall in love with him. Then I fell in love and the rest is the history.

All I want to say is that this guy shows the similar patterns, just a bit more exaggerated because he is older and more successful than my ex was at that time.

Seems like the only relationship I had was also based on manipulation of my feelings. I don’t try to see myself as a victim. If I was manipulated, thanks god, I was because I felt in love finally.

But I want to have normal healthy relationship with someone who’s not a narcissist and will not emotionally force me to sympathize his feelings.

So, you mentioned you would ignore me, but how is that normal? If you would ignore me I would ignore you too and you wouldn’t see any advances that you mentioned.

[msc545]

Ok good. by the way - the fact that he told you about his surgery is indicative of his arrogance and impaired judgment. It never has occurred to him that a woman would turn him down (that is his arrogance), and he badly misjudged you by telling you about his surgery AND by attempting to manipulate you. All of that tells me he is not too bright.

So anyway - are we still going to Nobu Malibu next weekend? (jk) 🤣🤣🤣

[msc545]

@lafemmefatale_1 You said it yourself - "Seems like the only relationship I had was also based on manipulation of my feelings." I'm not sure how long that relationship lasted, but I do know that it didn't end well. Had it gone on longer, I think the ending would have been even worse for you. At least this time it didn't get started. I think you probably are very sweet and kind to men, and they mistake that for a certain kind of weakness. You also have this habit of picking very physically attractive men, and that kind of appearance over time often results in some acquired psychopathology that is most unpleasant. I have done the same thing with women when I was younger, and I paid dearly for it, probably for the same reasons.

I would not actually ignore you - I would just not interact with you in a way designed to manipulate your feelings as I consider that very disrespectful. You might experience that as me ignoring you as compared to what some other guys have done and will do in the future.

[Asker]

I understand what you say, I just don’t want to make it all look like it was fault of my ex. I did my fair share of mistakes as well. For which I feel guilty and shameful to this day.

For example, my mom was physically and emotionally abusive to me and I have some of my triggers that makes me lose it, When I first noticed he was manipulative and psychologically abusive to me, I was unsure if it was his motive, I sat doen to him and tried to figure out what hurt him, why was he so rude and what could I do to make him feel better, instead of telling me the answer, he turned more and more passive aggressive, mentally abusive and in the end it triggered something in me that I feel very guilty about, when I noticed that nothing I did or said to him change his will to hurt me, and when I realized he was saying the things he was saying just to hurt me, I confronted him physically, slapping and hitting my fists to his chest really hard. He just stood there doing nothing and afterwards he became his normal self again. That’s why I went to therapy because I didn’t want to be an abusive partner. And I realized my physical response to being hurt was in no way normal.

But looking back I realize it was just my defense mechanism because he was showing off signs of trying to hurt me emotionally and I have been through quite an abusive childhood for me to allow anyone to do that to me again. he triggered my childhood traumas that moment. I am telling you this so you don’t think I am an angel, while my ex might have been mentally abusive, I did no less than him.

I always thought he was very similar to my mother, both at his excessive care to me and at his ability to hurt me. I was just immune to being hurt and forgave him a lot especially after I felt guilty for hitting him. The more I forgave him though the more emotionally abusive he turned.

[Asker]

One day, short before he broke up with me he told me my love of him made me too weak and that I was no longer a strong girl he fell in love with and that he wanted me to feel in power and in charge again, and that he felt he took away something from me, my confidence, my power, and so on. As if his presence in my life made me lose myself. I asked him, how do you know that I was ever strong? I always had my weaknesses, it’s just I felt more free to show it when we fell for each other and -

you know what he said, why he thought I was strong? He thought I was strong because I hit him when he tried to hurt me. That hurt me at that time, first I felt sad for him, he had an abusive childhood himself or he wouldn’t see “hitting someone” as being strong, and then I felt extremely shameful about what I did, I must have answered him with words I mustn’t have been physically aggressive to him.

His words - that me being physically aggressive to him, when he tried to hurt me, assured me of one thing though, at that time when that happened, he indeed consciously tried to hurt me and emotionally break me and he didn’t expect me to stand up for myself the way I did, and that’s why he thought I was strong. I think we were both broken in our own ways and I don’t have a right to judge him.

[Asker]

That’s something you’ll only come across in China, if you go to even one date with someone here, you are already considered to be in an exclusive romantic relationship 🤣 And they already consider you as their girlfriend.

[msc545]

I just noticed this post now and I am sorry for not responding earlier. I am on call tonight and its been a very busy night so far. Without deconstructing this too far right now I will tell you that I did not realize that your ex was manipulative and psychologically abusive to you. My initial impression when we first spoke months ago was that things were not good between you but I had no sense of why. Now I do. I need to think about what you just said before I respond to this further other than to say that I sincerely hope that nobody ever hits you again, and that you never hit anyone again. Past that I just need to think a bit about all this please.

[msc545]

@lafemmefatale_1 I think we should take this to DM or even email as right now it is far too public - what do you think? Read down as I wrote you a longer note before I saw this one.

[msc545]

Sorry - read up please.

[Asker]

Gmails are blocked in China 🤭 So, yep, dm is better.

[Asker]

By the way, 10 months after break up, when I can finally say I moved on, and 7 months after him getting in a new relationship with a local girl, my ex today updated his cover photo as a video of the sea view in my country, where we were going to buy our first house someday with a sad song on top of it. I think his new relationship might not be going so well if he went back to his old dreams.

[Sparkie460]

I think you handled it well

[spartan55]

Seems like you are leading him on at this point.

[spartan55]

Re: your update. I thought you didn't even like that guy? I think your words were: "I don't find him attractive at all" So... I guess you are going to lead him on then?

[Asker]

I saw some of his pics and thought he’s not bad looking, plus he’s been very attentive to me these days when I was sick and gave me a lot of advice.

I am not leading him on, I figured I’s meet him once to give him a fair chance to impress me, he’s been very eager to meet, It’s just I’m busy.

But now, knowing that his looks come from having surgeries I feel like he has done it before as well, so right now he did a 2nd surgery on his eyes, to make it look even more beautiful, his eyebrows are better plucked than mine, he does the beauty procedures on himself every week. I wonder is he alright?

[Asker]

I am fine with men taking care of themselves but I like natural men…

[spartan55]

Yeah, any dude who does that crap is extremely vain.

[spartan55]

How old is the good doctor?

[Asker]

He’s 33 and looks 24

[Asker]

I wonder whether he likes me as me or he has made some kind of project of me out of his mind. Like he thinks what kind of procedures he’ll do on me to make me look even better for his taste lol

I am planning to do a nose job cause I broke it in childhood and it prevents me breath well, but I would still like to think a man likes me with my broken nose and doesn’t want to change me.

Looking at him, how he enjoys making himself all these beauty procedures, makes me feel like he would be just as demanding to me, if it ever went that far.

[spartan55]

Wow, I hope you don't think 33 year old dudes getting work done is normal.

[Asker]

*getting work done - what does that mean?

Getting surgery done? Yeah! I don’t think it’s normal. I understand for example, in my case I have a breathing problem and even heart doctor suggested fixing my nose because it’s broken pretty bad due to trauma.

but he hasn’t had anything broken, he has two healthy eyes to look, why do the plastic surgery to make more beautiful?

I don’t understand and I feel conflicted because he’s been very sweet and attentive to me, has arranged the phone consultations for me with doctors because I had a very high fever and he has even helped me contact the people in government to help me deal with my job problems.

That’s why I was thinking to give him a fair chance in dating, plus when I saw his pictures, he wasn’t bad looking…

But I feel like this is too much for a young man to be this obsessed with his looks…

[spartan55]

He is laying it on you pretty heavy. Little early for all of that, don't you think?

[Asker]

Yes, I think it’s too early and I feel uncomfortable … I haven’t even met him once… All I did was message nicely.

[Asker]

He added me through our mutual friend.

[spartan55]

Wait, I thought you met him this weekend?

[spartan55]

I second @msc545 that he is trying to manipulate you through indebtedness.

[Asker]

No, I didn’t. He helped me arrange a phone consultation with doctor. We messaged each other, he wants to meet but I have been very busy and plus something feels off about him, something that doesn’t attract me.

He wanted to meet me or to bring me a medicine and he asked my address a few times, saying he would drive to me and just give me the medicine but I didn’t tell him my address, why should he know it? That’s creepy. Plus, he knew I had a fever and didn’t want to meet anyone and he still insisted until I refused him 3 times.

[msc545]

@lafemmefatale_1 That insistence on having your address seems very obsessive and creepy. I would speculate that at best he is a stalker and maybe much worse. Are you really sure this guy is really a Doctor? Most people that have no patience or judgment don't make it through school.

[Asker]

@msc545 He really is a doctor.

[msc545]

ok. I still think the address thing is a concern.

[Asker]

@msc545 Yes. And plus, he’s been asking me for the last two hours 3 times if I can take days off next weekends to have a dinner with him.

[spartan55]

He asked for your address three times? Wtf? 🚩🚩🚩

[Asker]

Maybe not exactly three times lol but a lot of times. Probably more than 3

[spartan55]

Girl this dude is not acting normal. I thought you had at least met once. But he is doing all that stuff before even meeting you? 🚩🚩🚩

[msc545]

What will you do?

[msc545]

@spartan55 Hey Spartan, I think this guy is obsessed and maybe a danger to our friend here. What do you think?

[Asker]

@msc545 I don’t have time for dates now, I have two months before my Chinese Residence Permit expires and I have 3-5 job offers in different cities, with some trainings and some more job interviews and a lot of other procedures to go through, as well as my 3 jobs where I work. I have no idea how to do all these things and plus have time to date.

Plus, he knows I’ve got only two months and he’s been talking about marriage and bla bla… I am not really interested. If I met him that would be out of gratitude that he helped me and preferably after I finish my business and obtain my new visa.

[msc545]

Marriage? He IS crazy as hell. He has never even met you.

[Asker]

@msc545 Lol, he was asking me the other day what kind of men I like for marriage 🤣 And that if I would consider marriage, so I guess yeah… Too creepy and too pushy

[msc545]

He is going to get worse with this. Does he have your correct full name?

[spartan55]

@msc545
I think that's a fair assessment. The more she discloses what this guy has been saying to her... just wow. I can't there are dudes out there doing this.

[spartan55]

Hopefully she didn't give him her full name.

[spartan55]

*can't believe

[Asker]

You guys are scaring me… I gave him my CV when he promised to help me find good positions and there’s my full name in my CV. But he doesn’t know my address. He hasn’t even met me yet, I think the sooner I cut his hope the better. Or maybe I will act super attentive and creepy and make him lose interest. 🤣

[spartan55]

Sorry to scare you, but this guy is showing all sorts of bad signs. I think the sooner you cut him off the better. Sorry, but what th is your idea going to do except bring him closer to you. Act super attentive? The LAST thing this guy needs is any attention from you.

[Asker]

Thanks for helpful advice, I appreciate. I’ll keep in mind.

[spartan55]

Good luck, please keep us updated.

[Wise4myage]

Sure, why not?

[Bklynbadboy12]

That's super sweet