I really feel insecure after getting ghosted by a guy….. it really triggered me… now I want cosmetic surgery?

[Anonymous]

Since he ghosted me after our date I don’t know what to assume.

I feel like he texted another girl on his phone …while on our data…he was a bit secretive of his phone…

he was a gentlemen but ig the date didn’t go well.

I just hate myself… I want to message him asking what she has that I don’t…

I want work done

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, but it's important to remember that your worth is not determined by someone else's actions. Cosmetic surgery might not be the solution to the emotional pain you're experiencing. Consider talking to friends, family, or a therapist to help process your feelings and gain perspective. Focus on self-care and building your confidence in ways that align with your well-being.

[robhazelnut]

A man's behavior is his doing, his mistakes his fault. I condone you staying untouched by a cosmetic razor, since it's literally a wound.

[Asker]

It’s my fault he’s not attracted to me

[robhazelnut]

You're saying that it's your fault he's not attracted to you. There are many possible reasons a person would ghost another. Years ago, I regrettably ghosted a girl who was gorgeous to me, sweet and playful. My idiotic reasons were twofold: because she had no answer to the question, "What makes something superficial?", and my thinking that if I didn't make twice as much money, then no matter how attracted any woman was to me, they'd grow resentful and bitter from not being fed and sheltered by me. I didn't give her a chance. Idiotic.

If you get yourself sliced up every time someone does something dumb, then you'll end up looking less beautiful than anyone on Earth. Idiocy happens constantly; even a smart person can make mistakes..

[Asker]

He’s a software developer and I’m a teacher. He says he has his masters from a good college…. I tried doing research but it just wasn’t adding up

Truthfully , I was acting a bit toxic and insecure. He wanted to meet to see who I am and what I wanted “possibly”….

He asked when was the last time I was intimate …. He’s never brought up sex… ig he thinks I need it bc I kept asking if sex is what he really wanted from me. He didn’t want to sleep with me bc he was scared I would be crazier

But in the beginning I only wanted to be a placeholder… basically chat without sex until he found someone else. He seemed to want more.

[robhazelnut]

You say you began with only wanting to be a placeholder. I get that, wanting to only talk to someone who's attractive. It seems to me that since you two want different things, "losing" him is alright.

[Asker]

So I found out that his dad is a chief in Nigeria….

Have I been insecure and a tad toxic…. Yes…

He kept saying I don’t like drama and if we slept together you might act crazier….

That statement made me feel like he wasn’t looking for anything serious bc he doesn’t intend on staying with me or making me his girlfriend. I don't know

[Asker]

But it’s not okay… I think I don’t deserved love or I think I don’t want it…. I self sabotaged everything

But for him to ghost maybe he didn’t think I was attractive …. I don't know

[robhazelnut]

You say that your situation with him is not ok and that you don't deserve and/or don't want love.

I waited for words to surface since reading your reply here yesterday. If one calls love some sort of action or contract, such as intercourse or "If you take out the trash and kiss noone else, then I'll do the dishes and kiss noone else", then one would have to consider all the possible actions and contracts in humanity. Every marriage, date, kiss, sex and hug are different.

Every definition csn change. It makes sense to me to just say that love is a willingness to include in one's experience. One can say they have love for their pet, a tree, their child (ren), their parents, a teacher, a river, and on and on. Once conditions arise, it becomes only a desire for utility. "I'll only include that dog in my experience if it carries stuff around fir me! Otherwise, I want it to vaporize!" Would anyone say that such a person is loving of that dog? I wouldn't. So it's not about doing something or receiving something. It's an acceptance of existence. One might as well be loving of everything, because it exists anyway. Dealing with nonsense is another matter, but one can be loving of and even when, say, knocking out an assaulting madman at a seedy bar. Accepting that they exist.

It's worthwhile for one to decide how to be no matter the situation. It seems to me that anyone who does would choose to be joyful, whatever the heck else is going on around them. With inclusion and respect,

-robhazelnut

[robhazelnut]

Addendum: by this I mean exploring meditative processes, or just trying out sitting down and seeing if one can just say "ok, joy now" and be joyful, even if they had nothing to consume.

[robhazelnut]

Addendum 2: Nothing to consume from the start, that is. Please avoid drugs, readers.

[Asker]

…. I get what you’re saying.. just accept whatever it was?

[Asker]

I just feel like I was manipulated… I thought I wasn’t looking… I ended up liking him… we went on a date and he ghosted me without saying that he no longer wants to talk

[robhazelnut]

To accept that it was what it was---in this moment, is what it is---and in the next moment, will be whatever it will be among the million or so possibilities. At least, that's what makes sense to me.

[Asker]

Right now I’m hurt and I’m trying to make sense of it…

[robhazelnut]

It seems gag, until now, didn't show me your reply about feeling manipulated by him. You thought you weren't looking for a partner, ended up liking hom, then he ghosted you without explanation, and now you feel hurt and are trying to make sense of it.

By "it", did you mean your feeling hurt, or his actions, or both?

[spartan55]

What makes you think it has anything to do with how you look?

[ChiTown33]

If you you really want to get surgery that's your choice. But don't do it because of some a**hole's actions.

[ChicoFromThe305]

He was on his phone on a date? You can do better

[Asker]

I was nervous … wasn’t really talking.. maybe he was bored

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yea maybe it was the awkwardness that was the deal breaker, socialize more, you are there to get to know each other not just stare at each other lol

[Asker]

True… I just didn’t feel confident or pretty.

He also asked when was the last time I was intimate … he said he was scared to sleep with me bc he was scared I would be “crazier”…. Heightened emotions

We had a wild talking stage… I won’t play innocent

[ChicoFromThe305]

Next time dont be so naughty then 😂

I mean you kinda called it on yourself, having such conversations so early, did you not expect him to ask about your sex life?

And you were pretty enough to get that date so that seems to be in your head.

[Asker]

That’s the thing… I wasn’t even wanting to! I literally told this man that I only wanted to be his placeholder until he found someone else.

I was willing to chat … no sex… but he didn’t want that.. I told him that really needed to protect my emotional well-being.

He said that I shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sins… when he said that I wanted to give it a try

[Asker]

I wasn’t trying to date or have sex… just chat with a male…

I did post sexy but not inappropriate pics… he never mentioned them. He complimented the pic with just my face smiling

[ChicoFromThe305]

If ima be honest, I think you gave that man the wrong idea that you were some horny slut or something and when you were shy and awkward, it pushed him away, that man was in it for something else and that bullshit he said about punishing someone else for their sins rubbed me off so wrong, sounds to me like he's the sin you should avoid, I agree that you should protect your emotional well being, I'm guessing it hasn't been too long since you were in a relationship?

[Asker]

I’ve never been in a relationship… he’s the first guy I had been on a date with

[Asker]

But he felt I was unstable

[Asker]

He said I come off as unstable

[Asker]

Through text

[ChicoFromThe305]

Yea cause you weren't the horny slut he imagine you were most likely

Something I've realized is that good quality is not noticed, you were sending him pictures and stuff and he probably created this illusion that you will be easy in person, when he saw you were a shy chick he automatically knew you were a different person, don't take it personal, there will be plenty of date opportunities, you just make sure to be ready however you feel you need to be ready.

[Asker]

I never sent him sexy pics. This was online

I think he thought I was unstable.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Didn't you say you did? I guess I read it wrong

[Asker]

No … I posted pics.. I firmly state I’m not looking for sex

[ChicoFromThe305]

Ooh well I still think he had a different expectation of you but either ways, move on, find another guy, a less complicated one

[Asker]

I think the hurtful part is made me feel like he wanted more… i thought he might’ve genuinely cared.

[ChicoFromThe305]

Aww sorry to hear that anon, but I'm sure there's guys out there that will see you for what you are worth and they will love you for the way you are, this guy is an L, forget about him and move on, your future husband is put there waiting for you and he won't be on his phone during your first date.

I can't really do much to cheer you up but here are some virtual flowers to turn that frown upside down 💐🙃

[ChicoFromThe305]

Out there*

[Asker]

Thank you🥺💖

[ChicoFromThe305]

Np, feel better soon and I hope you have a real date next time 💯

[Asker]

Me too… but if he said that I need to take some time to work on myself… wouldn’t that mean he’s a decent guy and he bc he didn’t want to sleep with me… didn’t he care?🥺

[ChicoFromThe305]

I don't know, cause I don't know the guy but ghosting you after a date doesn't sound like something a decent guy does, I'd expect a decent guy to at least say something after the date, at the very least if he is serious and he wasn't interest in continuing, he could've at least had the decency to tell you and not keep you in the dark.

[Asker]

That’s true… I feel like some guys do rude things when they think you’re unattractive. There was probably someone else and I tried asking if there was.. he would change the subject

[ChicoFromThe305]

Even so if he didn't like how you looked, that doesn't mean you are unattractive, if anything you weren't attractive to him but another guy can find you attractive, don't beat yourself up over this, you'll find a good guy.

[Asker]

I saw him in the store today with another girl… so heartbroken

[ChicoFromThe305]

Poor little anon *pats head* I think it's time to move on anon ☹

[ChicoFromThe305]

So much for decent guy

[Anonymous]

If your self esteem is that low, dont date.

[Asker]

That’s the thing… I wasn’t even wanting to! I literally told this man that I only wanted to be his placeholder until he found someone else.

I was willing to chat … no sex… but he didn’t want that.. I told him that really needed to protect my emotional well-being.

He said that I shouldn’t punish everyone for someone else’s sins… when he said that I wanted to give it a try

[Opinion Owner]

He is not wrong, your baggage is not his responsibility to shoulder. I would not have ghosted, but i would have told you that i was just not interested.

[Asker]

He did give me signs on the date but I didn’t expect to get ghosted… he knows I’m sensitive and hurt… he wanted to hurt me in the end

[Opinion Owner]

I doubt he ghosted with the intent to hurt, he more than likely ghosted to prevent him self from saying something that would hurt you.

[Asker]

Like what? What would he say

[Anonymous]

Ew why do you want him?

[Asker]

I think I’m only sharing the tip of the iceburg… not the whole situation