How to get this toxic and chaotic guy to move on?

This guy I met last year as a friend has been chasing me despite he knows I'm gay - I've told this guy no numerous of times , but he refuses to move on and leave me alone.. he's making me sick- I've been overwhelmed due to this guy and other stuff I'm working on.. he's hot and cold , inconsistent, full of drama , and mixed signals.. he hasn't changed and I doubt he will change with his behavior.. I've moved on from this guy, but he keeps contacting me

Advice and clarity is needed

Anonymous

(45 Plus)

My lesbian friend has experienced similar hassles throughout her life. The problem is that in an average straight relationship women often want the man to demonstrate they care and show commitment (which isn't unfair). Some straight women though, to elicit such signs / acts, will fain disinterest because they expect the guy to push back and show increased interest at that time to prove their love (not saying this is wise, but its common). Also, many very good looking straight women rebuff ALL men, because they know they can pick and choose and often favour the most persistant good looking ones (meaning the ones they can't put off, feeling that shows they love them more or are more willing to work for them / win them). This sets up a BAD situation for lesbians because there are many guys used to this pattern of behaviour who see rejection now as some kind of 'challenge to woo' the girl (again this is not right, but its common especially in the USA amoung the alpha male and females).

So, how to deal with it? First you have to understand that there isn't really a way to change this kind of male behaviour (in terms of reforming the person to understand there is, "No..."" with a hidden, try harder, and "No..." with a distinct meaning). The reason is there will always be some girl saying "never" and then sometime later changing their minds after seeing persistent attention as charming (I know, I know, its bad and makes for all kinds of issues, but we are wiser).

The way my friend handles it is to make stuff extreme so the guy doesn't ever want to deal with her again (I can't say I recommend her approach but respect it works). As per example, she wears spiked heels and isn't above ramming that spike through a guys foot if he doesn't listen to first the polite turn down, then the "never" one (followed by extreme blocking bodylanguage and warnings). Three strikes and they have a hole in their foot. Again. I don't recommend this but its worked for her (and she gives them a good warning in that she's makes it entirely clear they must stop before turning to that 'final solution'). So I don't judge her poorly for that.

The other thing she does is avoid being a position where a guy can start this crap. She hates lifts and has faced assault with people refusing to accept no for an answer (why again I understand the above strategy and support something I would normally not countanace as acceptable).

If they are really a friend though, and they refuse to listen. You need to end that because they aren't being a true friend.

Asker

2 mo
I want this guy to move tf on and I'm not interested in dating him I went no contact with him and never saw him as a romantic interest

Reply
Opinion Owner

2 mo
My fullest sympathies.

Definitely cut all ties, and not accept his calls / ignore any texts (block his number if requried). If you have a friend in common who you trust, use them as a mediator to translate / fully confirm you want him gone.

When I say 'isn't a way to change the behaviour', I don't say that in any way to say its acceptable, its absolutely not; I say that because to change it we would need to collectively adapt the behaviour of a majority of popular women towards men and then also re-train lots of men who were brought up being told to 'be persistent' in persuing their partners (aka, yep fully sympathise and its bullshit you have to deal with that crap).

I think telling him to "f@ck the hell off" to his face if you ever do see him again could be warrented if he's hassling you stalker style.

Also, taking out a restraining order in the worst case.

Sorry, I know thats crappy, but it happens.

If your not fixed to a particular location, moving away to a better area is a good way if you can afford to.

I know you shouldn't need to be the one to 'grow up' so to speak but sometimes its the easier course.

Reply
Asker

2 mo
I've minimized contact with him and the only peace I have is when we're not talking.. he's chaotic, unstable, and needs therapy for his mental problems.. he lives states away where I can't see him and deleted some social media, but about to delete another

Reply
Asker

2 mo
We're no longer friends anymore it ended when ge was talking disrespectful about some woman and other stuff.. now he's just a nag

Reply
Opinion Owner

2 mo
Nod. Well glad for you he lives a good way away at least. Wish I had a good answer that wasn't extreem, but with chaotic people often they leave less choice (I mean, if someone doesn't listen to you when you explain repeatedly, what hope does anyone have).

Stay safe ^^

Reply
Asker

2 mo
Yes I'm safw had to tell this guy I was I was busy - I am with moving over the next few weeks to get him to leave me alone - social media pages are gone because of this guy which I wasn't coming back due to me moving and other stuff. Just is a bummer he can't move on and leave me alone as he doesn't offer me anything meaningful and has been a nag since he's been in my life with his chaotic toxic behavior my mental and emotional health can't deal with him and I wish him the best with some form of therapy and mental health services. Not worried about him showing up due to me turning off location history and rerouting his calls to my voice-mail

Reply

What Girls & Guys Said

Opinion

Anonymous
(45 Plus)

2 mo

My lesbian friend has experienced similar hassles throughout her life. The problem is that in an average straight relationship women often want the man to demonstrate they care and show commitment (which isn't unfair). Some straight women though, to elicit such signs / acts, will fain disinterest because they expect the guy to push back and show increased interest at that time to prove their love (not saying this is wise, but its common). Also, many very good looking straight women rebuff ALL men, because they know they can pick and choose and often favour the most persistant good looking ones (meaning the ones they can't put off, feeling that shows they love them more or are more willing to work for them / win them). This sets up a BAD situation for lesbians because there are many guys used to this pattern of behaviour who see rejection now as some kind of 'challenge to woo' the girl (again this is not right, but its common especially in the USA amoung the alpha male and females).

So, how to deal with it? First you have to understand that there isn't really a way to change this kind of male behaviour (in terms of reforming the person to understand there is, "No..."" with a hidden, try harder, and "No..." with a distinct meaning). The reason is there will always be some girl saying "never" and then sometime later changing their minds after seeing persistent attention as charming (I know, I know, its bad and makes for all kinds of issues, but we are wiser).

The way my friend handles it is to make stuff extreme so the guy doesn't ever want to deal with her again (I can't say I recommend her approach but respect it works). As per example, she wears spiked heels and isn't above ramming that spike through a guys foot if he doesn't listen to first the polite turn down, then the "never" one (followed by extreme blocking bodylanguage and warnings). Three strikes and they have a hole in their foot. Again. I don't recommend this but its worked for her (and she gives them a good warning in that she's makes it entirely clear they must stop before turning to that 'final solution'). So I don't judge her poorly for that.

The other thing she does is avoid being a position where a guy can start this crap. She hates lifts and has faced assault with people refusing to accept no for an answer (why again I understand the above strategy and support something I would normally not countanace as acceptable).

If they are really a friend though, and they refuse to listen. You need to end that because they aren't being a true friend.

0

6 Reply
- Asker
  
  2 mo
  I want this guy to move tf on and I'm not interested in dating him I went no contact with him and never saw him as a romantic interest
  
- Opinion Owner
  
  2 mo
  My fullest sympathies.
  
  Definitely cut all ties, and not accept his calls / ignore any texts (block his number if requried). If you have a friend in common who you trust, use them as a mediator to translate / fully confirm you want him gone.
  
  When I say 'isn't a way to change the behaviour', I don't say that in any way to say its acceptable, its absolutely not; I say that because to change it we would need to collectively adapt the behaviour of a majority of popular women towards men and then also re-train lots of men who were brought up being told to 'be persistent' in persuing their partners (aka, yep fully sympathise and its bullshit you have to deal with that crap).
  
  I think telling him to "f@ck the hell off" to his face if you ever do see him again could be warrented if he's hassling you stalker style.
  
  Also, taking out a restraining order in the worst case.
  
  Sorry, I know thats crappy, but it happens.
  
  If your not fixed to a particular location, moving away to a better area is a good way if you can afford to.
  
  I know you shouldn't need to be the one to 'grow up' so to speak but sometimes its the easier course.
  
- Asker
  
  2 mo
  I've minimized contact with him and the only peace I have is when we're not talking.. he's chaotic, unstable, and needs therapy for his mental problems.. he lives states away where I can't see him and deleted some social media, but about to delete another
  
- Asker
  
  2 mo
  We're no longer friends anymore it ended when ge was talking disrespectful about some woman and other stuff.. now he's just a nag
  
- Opinion Owner
  
  2 mo
  Nod. Well glad for you he lives a good way away at least. Wish I had a good answer that wasn't extreem, but with chaotic people often they leave less choice (I mean, if someone doesn't listen to you when you explain repeatedly, what hope does anyone have).
  
  Stay safe ^^
  
- Asker
  
  2 mo
  Yes I'm safw had to tell this guy I was I was busy - I am with moving over the next few weeks to get him to leave me alone - social media pages are gone because of this guy which I wasn't coming back due to me moving and other stuff. Just is a bummer he can't move on and leave me alone as he doesn't offer me anything meaningful and has been a nag since he's been in my life with his chaotic toxic behavior my mental and emotional health can't deal with him and I wish him the best with some form of therapy and mental health services. Not worried about him showing up due to me turning off location history and rerouting his calls to my voice-mail
  
m
laly520 Follow
Guru Age: 23

2 mo
1.2K opinions shared on Guy's Behavior topic.

threaten him saying u will call cops

1

0 Reply