My boyfriend is disinterested and says he needs time alone but recently I have been seeing him gaming with a girl a lot. What can I do about it?

[Anonymous]

Me and my boyfriend are both 25 years and togheter for almost 6yrs. The thing is that more than a month he was really cold and distant - I talked to him about it and said that he started to feel again like he is emotionally unavailable and feels pressure from too many ways and that sometimes he feels like I'm overwhelming him.

I understood and I tried to give him space and time to process his emotions.

Meanwhile he started to play Valorant a lot, as it's his copying mechanism, I also asked him if he wants to play another games with me so he could have some fun and forget about other thing, but he said no and that he wants to be alone.

Anyways, the thing is he played it mostly with only one person which is a new girl in his friends group. I asked him who she is and he said is just some friend of a friend and that they only played once. But I already knew they haven't played only once, they played it together for some days in a row almost all day. Also, I saw that he bought a new game and the surprise was he is also playing it with her...

And also since he started to game more and more these days, he texted less and less. I talked to him about this and asked him why he feels this way, he explained he doesn't have the energy but didn't want to open up more and kept saying that I deserve more and that I shouldn't give my energy and time to him anymore, that I should focus on myself and etc.

And the last thing, we are living at 2hrs from each other, but we haven't seen each other for 2 months or so due to work and other personal stuff on both sides. Last week, we both got some days off from work and I hoped we were going to see each other, but he said he doesn't have the time for that. BUT as I said above, he was just gaming from morning till night.

I'm feeling so unsettled at the fact he doesn't want to spend time with me, because he says he wants to be alone, but he still spends a lot of time with a girl he just met online and I really don't know how to feel about it.

[_Maya_]

Well I don't want to make your worry but worst case is he could be emotionally cheating with this girl. Cheating isn't just physical. He may be getting his emotional needs met by her if they are talking a lot. I am not saying this is 100% the case but something that could be happening. Do you know what seems to be causing the stress and the need to be alone? That would be helpful to know unless dummy me missed it when I read through your details. You want to get to the root of the problems so you know how to approach it and work it out. If you have been together that long you know how communication is so important. Seems like it is breaking down and you need to figure out how to get that back. Knowing what is causing this somewhat depressive state is going to be key.

[Asker]

As he told me, the stress at work and the fact that he still doesn't feel fulfilled with his job, finances nor happy with himself and he just feels mentally drained. He is studying for a master's degree and working at the same time, which I know can be difficult, he had before this kind of periods when he felt this way, but now I really feel him so disinterested and disconnected with me and our relationship at all. Also he said that if he thinks about something other than his professional or academic life, he get frustrated. I tried to make him open up and talk but he just says he doesn't have the energy for this and that I should stop wasting my time and energy with him, because it's not OK for me to do this.

[_Maya_]

Okay so to start you are doing nothing wrong by wanting to communicate and be there for him. If he has time to play games then he has time to talk to you if you matter to him. I know that getting a masters is time consuming because I am doing that right now as well. The thing is that I still find time to balance my life and relationship. He is making excuses. Honestly the only thing that I can think of is just distance yourself from him and make him see what it is like when you don't care. I know that sounds harsh but I don't see any possibility that he is going to take this serious and seek counseling or possibly a doctor visit. He sounds like he is depressed and could benefit from medication.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your thoughts on this, I will try to get some distance and just give him the time and space that he said he needs. I also think he may be depressed, but he just doesn't want help from anyone and wants to "fix himself on its own", as he thinks he's alone in his own thoughts and feelings, because no one can fully understand him.

[_Maya_]

You're welcome. I hope things get better. I think he needs to realize that depression is something that needs treated by a professional. He can not self cure if that is his issue. I think once he figures that out you might be able to get somewhere. Wishing you the best.

[_Maya_]

Thank you for most helpful opinion!

[handsomelad70]

"Depression?" Forty years ago, my parents sensed depression in me and asked me to seek professional help, which I did.

[Nikki1989]

There is no smoke without fire. I would be fearing the worst here.

[handsomelad70]

If he's just gaming with a girl, perhaps you can get her and him to teach you to game, if it's your interest. If, however, you believe video gaming with her may lead to boy-girl bedroom gaming, talk to him and try to get a read on his intentions towards this broad. If you aren't satisfied with his answer, Fly, Robin, Fly !!! (Believe it or not, the title of a Number One disco-era hit which also included the words "Up, up and away," making it the Number One hit with the fewest words, six. It's GREAT to be an old boy, isn't it? IS your name Robin, lady?)

[Wise4myage]

I think blaming this on stress is complete BS.

[avery58]

Ask him directly about your concern

[Anonymous]

Ask him about it ask him what’s going on