My husband keeps saying how much he hates his life. What should I do?

Question

He works long hours at a stressful job and when he gets home he doesn’t have the energy to greet anyone. Instead of greeting the kids with a smile or asking how their day went, he goes straight to his bedroom, closes the door, and stays there for hours. When he does go out, it’s usually to get his phone or sit quietly at the dinner table. On the weekends, I try to encourage family activities; going to the park, playing games, or even watching a movie together; but he always finds an excuse. He says he’s tired or has work to do, but more often than not I catch him scrolling through his phone or lost in thought in front of the TV. The rare time he does spend with the kids seems short and forced. He’ll read them a story or play ball in the backyard; but his patience quickly wears thin and he goes back to his own world. The kids are starting to notice, and I’ll hear them ask, “Why doesn’t Daddy want to play with us?” It breaks my heart. I’ve tried to talk to him about how his behavior affects all of us, but he dismisses it and says he just needs time to recharge. He says he loves the kids and me, but his behavior says otherwise. I know he's struggling with something but I don't know how to reach him or make things better.

PhilP · Accepted Answer

It sounds like your husband is going through some severe depression likely from stress he is dealing with. Guys don't deal with that openly usually and they will try to retreat to recharge. First off (and don't take this the wrong way) you need to make this about his relief and not about you or family for a bit. Go to him and give him the biggest hug for no reason other than he needs it then sit beside him and let him know you're there for him nonverbally. Let him know through action that you're there for whatever he needs but you're there. Let him start a conversation if he wants or not according to how he chooses. If he does open up let him vent if he needs to. Even if he says something that might hurt initially know he is certainly not doing it to intentionally hurt anyone. He's upset with himself and once those flood gates open he is likely going to be unfiltered. He needs to know that his partner is his an unjudging an unconditional confidant and hell you need that too from him so if you show him you will be that for him I can pretty much guarantee that guy will be that and more for you. The fact he is like this shows he loves his family or he wouldn't be so torn up about it. Trust in that and be who he needs right now.

Unfortunately one of the things women want to do for their men thinking it is a help is often not. It's not your fault it's just the differences in how we operate. He doesn't want you doing things that he feels should be his position. If it's something that is absolutely required right that moment then do so but if it's not then let it slide for now. Be objective about whether that tghing needs doing right then or not though. Seeing you doing what he should be doing but doesn't have the emotional stability to do now is just going to dig that hole deeper. Your intentions are not wrong it's just not what he needs right now and his perception of that is going to be different than yours will be.

Most guys go through this when they feel powerless at one of the major things that makes us feel like worthy men in our lives. That can come from a lot of different things but most men won't talk about these things even to their spouse unless they trust 100% that they will not be judged for it. It isn't a slight against you it's more what men expect of themselves and they feel terrible when they can't do what they really want for their families. You need to make him understand he is still worth something to you when he can't. Be there for him and that man will want to move figurative mountains for you.

The most important thing though is you can't force him. Most guys dissociate from a stressor temporarily so they can think things through and plan a course of action or sometimes just so they can recharge so they can come at that stressor at full capacity again. Guys like to be alone during this because any forced interaction puts them back into that "I have to make sure things are well and I need to solve the problems" mindset again which they were taking a break from in the first place to recharge. Sooner or later that guy is going to break if he doesn't get that recharge time. You option for being there for him is to just be there silent but supportive. Not trying to force a conversation or anything just being present. Let him decide where it goes beyond that. He will appreciate it and will cherish you as a partner all the more for it. He might want that alone time to recharge but knowing that you're there as a silent and solid support for him through it will be noticed.

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

No one has it completely easy, but some people have it much harder than others. At nearly every moment of every day, he feels the weight of the responsibility to "keep the wolves from the door" - which means the bill collectors in today's world. And with decades of most people's incomes not keeping up with inflation, for most working-class people, that's getting more difficult every single year. If he quits or even tries to pull back, he won't be able to keep the wolves at bay - the bills will still keep coming in and he won't be able to cover them, and then everyone will be upset at him, and he'll feel like a failure. Yet, he's miserable under all the pressures, and apparently hates his job, but his options seem to be very limited.

His worst fear is failing at the MOST basic standard as a father and husband: not being able to provide for them. But unless you are upper-middle class or better, today's world is really not built for a man to provide for his family anymore. Most jobs don't pay enough, and the economy is still in the toilet and wars and inflation have disrupted commerce and employers today are very quick to dump problem employees, so he has very little leverage to change jobs. He also can't abandon the family financially, or you'll all be out in the street. I'm sure he feels trapped in a no-win situation, and has no idea what to do besides soldier on - but each day is more of a struggle to do that.

What can you do? I don't know, but you might start by asking him - sit down with him and have a REAL adult conversation and SET ASIDE YOUR FEELINGS, even if he says something that hurts you in the moment (which probably wouldn't be said on purpose, but you'll be tempted to take everything personally - DON'T!). If you get upset with him, even a little, or do anything but be sympathetic and helpful, he will never open up to you again, and if you EVER use any of this information against him in the future, you will break a trust that can never be rebuilt - so tread very carefully.

My guess is that what he needs are FEWER demands from the family, not more. You planning tasks and events for him is not helping, it's hurting. It's not that he doesn't want to do all of those things, it's that he doesn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with them right now.

You are a woman, so when you have a problem, you want to talk about it with someone. MEN DO NOT WORK THIS WAY. TALKING ABOUT IT DOES NOT HELP THEM. Men solve their problems one of two ways:

1. They actually FIND and IMPLEMENT a real SOLUTION to the problem - in this example, that might be changing jobs to something that is better-paying and more enjoyable - but that's probably not possible in the current economy.

2. If they can't find an implement a real solution, for whatever reason, then the only thing that works is to BE ALONE and let his mind be free. Some guys tinker with an old car, or build something out of wood. Some guys play video games, or read a book, or paint a model, and some guys just sit in front of a TV with their eyes glazed over or scroll on their phone. What you don't understand is that they aren't really doing any of those things - at least, they're really just going through the motions. What's REALLY happening is that they're letting their brain de-stress and their batteries for dealing with the stress of the world re-charge. And if they can't do one or the other, they will eventually explode, and when that happens, it's too late, and things get really, REALLY ugly.

PeachyPie93 · Accepted Answer

Well he sounds completely overwhelmed and if you aren't contributing to the financial situation he probably feels the burden of that. I would try having a calm and in depth talk with him about what is going on and if there is anything you can do to help him as a partner since he can depend on you.

red-lipstick-girl · Accepted Answer

There are two possibilities: your husband does not love you and is interested in another woman, or your husband is very stressed because of his job and cannot move on with his life. I hope he is not cheating on you.

OneViewpoint · Answer

Something is up and he doesn't feel like he can talk to you about it. Or he's already moved on to an affair after years of feeling isolated and alone, hence the alone time with his phone. It's time for a sit down and deep conversation. It was probably time a long while ago.

This is pretty typical for most guys. They don't have anyone to talk to and they are judged weak if they do talk about the problems they are facing. Women don't ask because the truth is they don't want to know. And guys know that no one is quicker to judge them than the women in their lives. So they just hold it all inside and keep going until something breaks and they can't keep going any further.

Maybe he needs a complete life change. Take a step back in his career or a radical career change. Restructure location, house, cars, etc. for a different economic reality and reprioritize his family.

Good luck.

Purpleronnie · Answer

I kinda want to say that his job and the stress of it is having a profound effect on him and that he should see this and look to change it , that’s just basic logic and what most would do and it’s the only insight you have given but I do think it runs way deeper than that and I’d only be guessing at what it is which is not really helpful.

You can only re-assure him that you are there for him no matter what and he can tell you anything and that you love him ( as I’m sure u do ) and wait for him to tell you. Should he not do that then you may need to tell him how it’s affecting you then give him some space to reason it out.

Cormac995 · Answer

It sounds like he's completely exhausted mentally, emotional and physically. He sounds like he has really bad depression, like really, really, really bad depression. He probably means it when he says he loves you and the kids but when you're in a deep, deep depression sometimes even love just isn't enough to give you the energy you need to engage in those things. You feel like you're living the definition of the word Apathy for a life even when you're surrounded by loved one. Sometimes when you're depressed there's an invisible shield that blocks out emotions good and bad as a coping mechanism. The fact he does try a few times here and there tells me his heart is still in the relationship, but his mind is in a very bad place right now. With the context provided I think he hates his job and feels like he's being worked to death.

Anonymous · Answer

what’s the financial situation like? Do you work? What do you do as far as trying to help out. I know for me I can get like that because there’s so much stuff to do. I have to maintain the yard like I’m getting ready to do now then try to sleep before I go to work tonight. i e been up since 3 am taking stuff to storage. I’m not complaining but it can get overwhelming. Do you cook, clean? When you talk to him are you actually talking to him or at him? Obviously there’s something going on. An issue at hand that most times men will just confine their self to their little corner till they figure it out. It could be that he doesn’t feel the same about you like he used to. Can you honestly say you’ve done nothing to make him feel this way? That it’s 100% him.

drummer · Answer

It’s tough to watch someone you love pull away, but pushing him might not help. Instead, try to approach him with understanding and compassion. Let him know you’re there to support him, and suggest he seek help whether therapy or professional advice to manage stress. His behavior is affecting everyone, and sometimes the hardest thing is acknowledging it and getting the right help.

babet · Answer

Your husband is emotionally checked out, and no matter how much you try, he isn’t meeting you halfway. You can’t fix this alone. If he refuses to acknowledge the problem or seek help, you’ll be left carrying all the emotional weight. His love should be shown through actions, not just words. If he won’t make an effort for you or the kids, ask yourself how long can you keep living like this? You deserve more than being ignored.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I am so sorry to hear this. I think he needs to get into therapy ASAP. I have never been married or raised any children, but there have been times in my career where I was so burned out that I would have been the same way if I had a family at the time.

KingslayerC · Answer

This is bad. It's really great that you're recognizing this. Everything will be okay though. Because you're not ignoring it.

Is there any chance he can get a different job? Is he struggling with substance use issues? Would he be willing to start an exercise routine? Maybe get on TRT? Take antidepressants and get therapy? Literally anything to break this cycle. You can also DM if you want.

BaronVonBarron · Answer

Perhaps he is neuro atypical, like adhd or asperger. Such people often get overloaded easily. Especially kids and multitasking at work cause overload. Time to recharge, time organisation skills help to manage multitasking related stress. Sex also helps, although he may not realise he needs it. Playing sports and having a creative hobby helps as well.

Unit1 · Answer

My husband keeps saying how much he hates his life. What should I do?

That's no wonder. His life is nothing but slavery and a little sleep if he's lucky.

It's a depressing spiral of enslavement. When I was in that position, I too wished for death.

If you can ease up his enslavement and offload his workload, then maybe he might find a little free time window away from the modern day slavery.

Nothingfree · Answer

Okay ima be real!! When he gets home drop down on your knees and give him the best head ever I mean get sloppy with it! Rock his world then before he goes to work make sure you give it to him again. I’m telling you that to a man makes him want to go conquer the world and feel unstoppable. When you’re doing that for a man you can ask for anything and he will give it to you. Please lmk the results but don’t let it be a one time thing either it has to be at least 15 days out the month

candycane · Answer

Instead of pushing for big changes, try small steps show him support without pressure. Let him know you're there for him and encourage open conversations when he's ready. If he keeps withdrawing, suggest professional help gently. Remind him that he’s loved and needed, not just as a provider but as a husband and father. Small moments of connection can slowly bring him back.

aceleon · Answer

He is a piece of shit, sorry sis i would understand of he was just tired and grumpy but being like this with his kids is just the place he crosses the line.

Nikki1989 · Answer

If his work is the primary source of stress, he may need to consider changing jobs or adjusting his workload.

RageBabe · Answer

Marriage counselling wouldn't be a bad idea. Learning how to communicate with each other is very important.

AManOnTheWeb · Answer

Are you working and able to offload some of the financial pressure so he can perhaps take a job that's less stressful?

slatyb · Answer

My dad was like this. He's depressed and perhaps also insecure. He needs professional help.

Anonymous · Answer

It's unlikely you can ever reach him physically, but spiritually you can. I've seen things transform through praying in tongues but simple prayers may also help.

Horn_Hog · Answer

Fuck his brains out. Simple. Simple dimple pop it squish.

PsychicBoobs · Answer

You can't do anything. He's in that place where he can only help himself along with talking to a professional.

Ariesman81 · Answer

Have you tried telling him how valued he is rather than pointing out how his needs affect the family negatively?

Crazzyyworld · Answer

You have to find some way out of it. Money is not important. Family is. I am sure you can discuss way out of this situation.

Staximus · Answer

Tell him to get a different job, and put the goddamned phone down and turn off the TV

Anonymous · Answer

This is so sad. I think he's already checked out on the family. You should separate or get counseling for him.

seeyounexttuesday · Answer

It seems a new job is in order and he's suffering from depression.

kaucky1 · Answer

Get you wasted to sex it not stays on if have daughter tries something and not stay on

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Do you add stress to his life? Are you just looking for a reason to divorce him?

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

Maybe the economy is stressing him out.

WhitneySnow · Answer

Maybe therapy would help

HelpfulWoman · Answer

THERAPY.

Joejay6 · Answer

Introduce him to boxershorts. For a change

My husband keeps saying how much he hates his life. What should I do?

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