How is it so easy for men to turn off emotions?

Question

How is it so easy for men to turn off emotions and for women we wear our hearts on our sleeves and dwell? I'm going through a really hard breakup and he seems to be able to turn off his emotions like I never mattered (though the morning of the breakup he said I was the love of his life). I want to be like that. I don't want to feel hurt anymore or think of all the good times in my head. I have tried to stay busy but my mind keeps going to him and I am heartbroken all over again. So tell me guys. HOW DO YOU DO IT? I don't want to feel anymore.

transientthought · Accepted Answer

It is hard to imagine but one of the main problems between male and female responses is that we all seem to have an ideal reaction which may or may not reflect others reactions. There are many non expressed things happening in all people, but one of the larger problems happening today in the relationship arena is that women expect men to react like women. On the same note guys do not like it when women continue exasperating their emotions through words. There is a definitive line between effectively communicating and simply talking a lot. Pop culture seems to confuse the over expression of emotion to be a universal standard. There is no reason to repetitively become a victim of one's own emotions.

In your defense as many guys will eventually confess is that he obviously cared about you or else he would not have invested time in you and he most likely cared very much despite the nonverbal response which you would like (because it is your ideal form of expression not his). The hug he gave you (specifics aside) is most likely a facet of him still caring about you as a person. He got to know you and the sight/sound of you crying, or the thought of someone he cared about in distress might prompt a hug, (and a genuine one at that).

That hug seems not to represent the fact he has deep yearning feelings for you, but may indicate you have touched him in such a way that you have lost a boyfriend, but that hug was affirmation that you are a person worthy of comfort and he did have an emotional investment in you. It shows that he cares about your current mental status which indicates he found admirable qualities in you (they may not have been congruent with his ideal).

I had a friend in your position, and I reminded her that in order to make memories with him you had to first have the ability to make those memories. This means you still have that ability to make new memories, but you have the advantage of past experience to guide your new journeys.

That-Guy · Accepted Answer

Here's a little something I've been taught in school, men are just as emotional as women but men suppress those emotions or display them differently.

When a man gets angry at work, he's deemed passionate or too competitive.

For a women to cry or even become angry at work, she's deemed a bitch or too emotional.

It's the same thing except interpreted differently. He's going through emotion just like you but boys have been trained to suppress emotion all of most of our lives, we usually hide it for a private time.

Another key concept is that men are taught to think logically before emotionally. I know it wasn't until 3 weeks later before I opened myself to feel the pain my ex caused me.

How do we suppress it? It's just something we've been trained socially since we're young, it has it's advantages and disadvantages.

It's better you feel it now then bury it, only to have it boil over later.

Tips: I cursed her with my buddies while drinking excessively. *shurg worked for me.

sameshitdifferentday · Accepted Answer

Hello, I saw your message and just had to reply. I'm having a similar problem except this as kinda of different. I have been friends with this guy for about 6 months and even since we've met we've hit it off. There's a catch though, he's my brothers best friend. So in the last month or so I told him how I felt and he was so happy about it and we were looking at making a relationship out of our feelings for each other because they were really strong. As the girl that I am I got extremely excited about it and fell head over heals. Things got complicated due to him bieng my brothers friend and he talked it through with my brother and they agreed it was fine. One night he texted me and told me that he missed me and he wanted to hold and kiss me and then about an hour later texted me and told me we couldn't do this anymore and I should move on. So now I'm really lost and confused. I've confronted him about some of it and asked him what happened but he never gives me a straight answer. He's told me that he will just hurt me, that I don't want a relationship with him, he's a bastard and that he always stuffs things up. He's told me that he's shutting down his emotions so he doesn't hurt me. And that's just annoying me. When I'm around him I get the feeling that he is staring at me and is thinking of me, but I don't know what to do and since then he has told my brother he will not have a relationship with me. I can't get him off my mind and I don't know what to do because my emotions won't go away. He's told me he wants to kiss me, but never does? Now everyone including him is telling me to move on but I don't think I can, Please I really need some advice? thanks :)

glowgirl3 · Accepted Answer

Trust me, he's feeling it. His partying is his way of trying to get over it. When I broke up with my last boyfriend I cried for weeks straight and we worked together so I had to see him constantly.

It seemed like he was fine when I would see him at work. He would go out to lunch with other chicks and everything and still try to talk to me like we were best friends. I found out a year down the road from a mutual friend that he confessed to her that that was a hard time for him and he still had feelings for me.

I agree with That-guy. Men suppress a lot of their emotions because their taught that is the right thing to do. Cry now and laugh later sweetie. You'll get through it, trust me. :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Let me start by saying I know where you're coming from when you say that all of your friends are married. I've been there and they'll try to comfort you by inviting you out or over, but it feels kind of weird now that you don't have your partner. My suggestions to you is to get out and meet new people. If you feel this is too hard to do then. You still have your baby girl. Do stuff with her. Take her to the park. The library. Amusement parks. Kid friendly restaurants like Chuck E Cheese(if available). Um just some suggestions. I know this is about your hurt, but I'm sure she'll appreciate it and her happiness will make you feel a lot better. Good Luck

Baby-Gurl · Accepted Answer

He's feeling it I know that for a fact he's just not letting you see him all emotional. You see  most guys are taught growing up that as men they are suppose to control their emotions and think logically and that is masculine. And him letting you see how he's really feeling isn't being manly. He's probably dealing with it by drinking and partying. He's just suppressing his emotions in public. LostandConfused just cry and mop let everything out right now! You'll get over this guy in no time

Anonymous · Answer

Hey there, I'm an introverted guy so emotions are very important to me - from that I'll tell you from personal experience; it's not easy at all for a guy to switch off his emotions. Firstly you have to recognize that a man can only take so much hurt before he cuts all emotional ties. I had been talking to a girl for about a week and a half, we flirted, spoke about dating, taking things slow. She was in an abusive relationship 4 months prior. Things were going great when she just snapped saying she couldn't be in a relationship and let her feelings in. She's had one bad relationship... I've had about 6 where I've been cheated on. We tried to talk again but she brought the cheating up, which got me in a bad mood, then she did what a girlfriend would do and ask for my t shirt. I flipped and now I've turned it off. I developed serious feelings for this girl and I turned them off. Not feelings is hardwired into us as men. All I can say is that you just have to cut the tie, just don't think about it and don't let emotions in period, whether that be happiness, sadness, love etc just bury it. The first few weeks will be so hard but it'll stop you from hurting. It's a horrible way to be but it's better than being hurt.

Dudeonfire · Answer

It will get easier and you know it will. If someone feels something they feel it regardless if they hide it or not. I was taught early on to "never let them see you sweat". I was taught no matter what I did in private, in the outside world be a wall and never show your pain. It is a defense mechanism and doesn't mean that our emotions are turned off.

kitsch · Answer

ITS MAN PRIDE.

they're not so easy to let their emotions out because they're basically somewhat programmed not to wear their emotions on their sleeve.

Example: When a 5 year old boy is running around in the playground and he suddenly trips. Guess what his dad says? "Get up and don't cry. Its nothing" but if its a 5 year old girl that trips and hurts herself. Dad says "oh come here honey, its okay".

So basically. Women are conditioned to be emotional and to express it openly but men aren't. They have to conceal it to keep their ego and pride.

That-Guy · Answer

Ever watch MMA? A lot of fighters say that the fight is won during the 3 weeks prior to the fight and won or loss in the stare down. One of GSP's (a great fighter) criticism was that he was never emotionally prepared for fights.

Your Boyfriend just wasn't emotionally ready for the big fight, if you go in with doubts and fears then you aren't going to be able to last.

There's really nothing left to be said or analyzed, just mend the heart.

jon-lefty · Answer

As a guy when we grow up we are told buy every male we know not to cry or get emotional. But we do. I put on a show for everyone I know so they don't see it. Most likely that's what he is doing. As for you hang out with friends just try not to think about it. But if you do  think about it. Cry be sad. But don't let it fester in side of you. I can only imagine what your going throw. I am truly sorry.

oldlady · Answer

I really don't think it's easy for me. I think it's beaten out of them over years and years of "boys don't cry" and "man up" and other demands that they be tough and not emotional. For as much as what you're feeling now hurts you, be grateful that you are allowed to cry out the hurt. Wouldn't it be so much worse if you felt the same thing but had to PRETEND you didn't?

sandyyyy · Answer

I don't think it only happens to men. I think it happened to him in this case because probably, he was the one to lose the interest first. My recent break up was because I lost interest. I do not miss it much, and I have moved on very fast from it. It is not a matter of gender, but a matter of the amount of interest one has.

The hug - He felt bad for you...

Chillaxitwnthappen · Answer

Hes just trying to prove to you that he is better off without you. He is "showing off". Sorry for your loss but he's just trying to prove something to himself. And he probably does care, but he doesn't show it. Or that's how I think

lastonlistguy · Answer

when it happens to me I  just push my feelings to the side and live life to the fullest .. I still feel heartbroken and the pain never leaves but when you look at me ill look just like him no a care in the world but in fact I feel the same as you do.. there is no way to turn off your emotions you just have to be smarter then what your problem really is

faraday · Answer

It's almost impossible for me, I know for a fact that my emotions are extremely powerful and potent, and they take over my mind.

I'm not saying I cry a lot, but I certainly don't simply turn my feelings on and off, it's not that simple.

Skysong88 · Answer

As a girl, I actually find it easy to hide my emotions, although I usually just wear an expression of polite interest. Maybe I was just born cynical, though. However, hiding your emotions doesn't help you not feel, it just makes it easier to not show what you're feeling.

Dudeonfire · Answer

It means what it says. Also, a hug is a hug. don't read into any of it.

kingbrother · Answer

Get out and meet some new people to interact with, always does the trick.

How is it so easy for men to turn off emotions?

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