What are the differences between not interested behavior and shy behavior in guys?

[Anonymous]

I have been into this guy at work for sometime. He seems somewhat “girl shy”. For example the only people he talks to are other guys and significantly older/married women. He’s also not exactly the type of guy that most girls like, look for, or find attractive; the other girls at the office actually say “EW, gross!” in regards to him but I really like him anyway.

He stares at me a lot from across the room and he used to blush and look away quickly when I caught him. I started smiling at him when I caught him staring at me and he would maintain eye contact, blush, and smile back. I started saying hi to him and he would blush, smile, and say hi back (but it ook awhile to get him to even say hi back). He also walks by my desk a lot and always seems to be everywhere I am. So, I tried striking up conversation. He blushes a lot but his eyes are always locked on mine, he asks lots of questions about me, remembers basically everything I say, and is always very involved and keeps the conversation going. Most of the time I start the conversation or approach him. He’ll start conversation with me BUT only if I’m alone. The body language all indicates he’s interested.

HOWEVER:

I asked him to lunch one day but he had a meeting and had to say no. He blushed more than ever when I asked him and I know his reason was real and truthful and not just an excuse. But what’s confusing me is, he hasn’t come back and asked me out. In fact, it almost seems like he started avoiding me after I asked. My friends have said the ball is in his court and if he doesn’t come back and ask me, I should accept the rejection and move on.

I have been told by many guys that I can be intimidating (good looks, smart, successful). Is it fair to assume that if he’s interested he will come back and ask me even if he’s terribly shy? Did I possibly misread the signs and he is simply not interested rather than just shy?

[Nekalyn]

I was in a very similar situation with a shy loner-type co worker, who could only converse with guys or older married or single women. I noticed him staring at me and showing up where ever I was, but he never approached me, even when I gave him hints that I was interested. He started avoiding me for a while, then starting back popping up around me again. Finally, I initiated a casual short conversation with him. He seemed pleased and continued to come around me but would not say anything. Again I attempted another conversation with him. He was so nervous he could not look at me but looked down and only nodded . When he did try and speak, he stammered incoherently. I thought this was sweet and did not want him to feel more uncomfortable,so I told to have a good day and left to get back to work. Afterward, he stopped showing up around me and I did not see him for a few days. I did not know what had happened. Then I saw that he had changed his routine and was spending his breaks alone in his car. I felt he had lost interest or that I had misread his signs.

I do feel that your guy should make the next move. Your friends are right the ball is in his court, You did let him know you are interested. If you are the one that have to constantly do the pursuing with little or no effort from him, can you imagine what the relationship will be like?

Whatever is keeping him from approaching you is stronger than the feelings and reasons he should have to wanting to be with you. His comfort zone without you may seem much more easier and less complicated for him.

[Dollface-86]

Wow. First off you don't want a guy that is going to be so intimidated and scared that even after you made it obvious you like him, is prectically avoiding you. I think he is way interested. But the thing is you're friend is right. The ball is in his court. The only problem is that he is not going to do sh*t with it. If you want this guy I would pull him aside and ask him what his plans are for the week and ask him if he would like to catch dinner or something. If he doesn't take the bait then move on. There is nothing more annoying then when somone likes you but its like pulling teeth to try to be with them.

[jdcpa]

he's just shy.. CLEARLY

he's definitely interested..

he's probably dealt with a TON of rejection in the past.. and doesn't want that to happen again..

that explains his little shell (him talking with only men or older married women.. who can't reject him)

so the LAST thing he will do.. is enter into a situation where he can be rejected.. which means.. for the initial stages of the dating dance.. you will have to "reassure" him.. by virtue of pursuing him..

it's not degrading or demeaning.. because after a while.. when he starts to realize that you really are also interested in him.. and not just toying around with him and having fun (most likely what's happened in the past).. then he'll begin to get comfortable enough to reciprocate..

when he's felt that your interest in him is genuine and mutual.. then he'll feel comfortable and secure enough to come by and initiate a conversation without fear of rejection or a negative reaction.. he'll feel comfortable enough to ask for your number.. call you.. ask you out on a date.. initiate a kiss..

sex on the other hand.. I'm not gonna lie.. you're going to have to be the one to initiate it the first couple of times.. because no matter how emotionally comfortable he is with you.. sexual comfort is starting from ground zero..

you're definitely right.. other women wouldn't be attracted to someone like this..

if I was a woman.. I'd dump this guy and start hooking up and getting hurt by a more confident and smooth player type right away.. but that's just me..

[Vyxzuw]

Well, he may have thought that going out to lunch was just you being friendly. So, it's possible that he thinks you see him as a friend. Or at least that may be what he keeps telling himself.

His shyness, in regards to you, is coming from low self esteem. He does not think that it would ever work with you.

Since you work together, that means that if it doesn't work out, you will still be around (and his co-workers will know.) This is something he has to work on, and you can't really do anything about it. (Even if you start something, he won't make any moves to further the relationship because he is constantly expecting it to fail.)

Also, the ball is in his court. At least for talking to you. (Again, asking you out may be too much to expect, since he may not think you feel that way.) However, if he's started to avoid you, then that means he's letting you move on. That's how he see's it. He's not worthy, so he feels that he'll stand aside and let you find someone who it.

Regardless of whether a relationship develops, one way to deal with shy guys is to become their friend. Shy guys don't have a problem with moving a relationship from friendship to something more. And if it doesn't develop into something else, you will have a good friend at least.

In my opinion, he needs to be the one to ask you out now. However, continue to try to talk to him. Once he knows that you are serious about wanting to get to know him, he'll start to come around.

[AlekNovy]

GREAT question.

I recently noticed that when I'm not interested in a girl, I act similar to how I acted when I was shy around girls I liked in the past.

So I sat down and thought about what the difference is... And its CLEAR, very very very very clear.

There's one tell-tale sign. Eye-contact. If he's not interested he'll try to avoid it.

Of course, if he's just being friendly, he won't avoid it, but they you wouldn't mistake it for shyness, so we're just talking about shyness here.

If he seems shy=

1) He likes you, and if he does no MATTER how shy, I mean even social phobic even... he's at least going to try to steal a few glances here and there

or

2) He is not interested, and he'll try to avoid contact and never try to look your way first.

[Enishi]

That is so totally bullsh*t. I avoid eye contact instinctively at all times, have since I was like 5, I view it as being confrontational if I ever look straight into someone else's eyes. I don't qualify it as aggressive when other people do it, but it's the reason I avoid it, I feel like I'm challenging them or something.

[dakota102]

I also disagree, no bets should be placed on eye contact

[Asterix]

Sounds like this guy is into you but to shy to go out or ask you out, might be that he has never really had much to do with girls his own age before.

To be honest I know heaps of guys like this and I would say that unless you take complete control of everything and push him into doing things it ain't going to happen.

Don't want to sound mean but if you've asked a guy to lunch and even if he had a legitimate excuse, he should be asking you out next time if he's interested. Your friends are correct the ball if in his court so to say.

[dellfavorite]

Men are not complicated, no matter now shy they are. You made your intentions very clear, don't make excuses for people, ever. I'm busy, I'm going out of the country, I have do my laundry, etc etc. You deserve better. He's a big boy now. If he wants lunch/dinner/date he can ask, you already took out all the risk already for him. I would suggest watching the movie, he's just not that into you.

[MyLastOne]

To me, I look away quickly at girls I'm interested in and not interested in.

When, I see an unattractive girl, I look away quickly, sometimes I'll dart my eyes all the way to the other side. Other times, I'll just look ahead and pretend I didn't see them, with the same expression on my face.

When I see an attractive girl, IF I look away, I'll be move my eyes and head more quickly, and sometimes have an expression on my face.

[dakota102]

Lol honestly I don't get why you guys do that. can't your'll smile atleast? looking away sometimes gives off the wrong message

[mscott38]

Some guys weren’t around girls growing up and this will make them shy and it is very hard for them to communicate or strike up a conversation. Being shy his whole life probably and then being approached by a woman probably throws him in panic mode. Sounds like he does like you but doesn’t really know that you will talk about all kinds of things. I’m sure the more you get to know him the more he will open up.

[Rob_1969]

Hi,

I think he's just real shy and insecure of himself.

If I were you (a good looking, smart and successful woman..lol), I would confront him with this in a easy going way. just tell him you feel you're chasing him and he keeps avoiding you, and that you can't keep chasing without him playing ball at some point. If he's a bit of a man he will get the idea and ask you for lunch/coffee or even on a date.

let us know...

greetings

Rob

[rwb0027]

Call him. If he's interested but shy, then he will listen to you talk. If he isn't interested he will not be on the phone long.

[CestLolaVie]

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