I've decided to share this Take because because lately I've been reading a lot of magazine articles online as well as posts on GAG concerning people with depression, mostly high school girls. I don't know how much of a help I can be, but here's my story, how I overcame my darkest days, and how I still continue to fight the depression that comes and goes.
When I was still in elementary school, my dad left and I was brought to my aunt & uncle's to be raised by them. My parents had/have low-income jobs and couldn't afford to raise me themselves. Some parents would try to get better jobs for the sake of the family, but my parents have always had a strong passion for what they do and I respect that. But I can only say that now that I'm twenty-one. Back then, I of course didn't know what was going on and thought they were abandoning me. I struggled in elementary school, I couldn't sleep, and everyday from elementary through junior high I would think about running away but didn't have the guts to.
In junior high, my social life became more exciting, as most teenagers' lives do. It was all about socializing, dating, partying, and just having a good time. Meanwhile, I still struggled in my academics and was put in a special program.
Fast forward to high school... Two days before my sixteenth birthday, I experienced a traumatic, life-threatening event at school. My first love who was there with me rushed over to me and we hovered together under one of the desks. I honestly feared my life in that moment - we all did. After a few hours, my aunt came to get me, and I was the first to leave the classroom. Somehow I knew that would be the last time I'd see my boyfriend. He and his family evacuated to another country and never came back. He and I kept in touch and had a long-distance thing going for a little less than a year. I ended it because we were both unhappy and our relationship wasn't going anywhere.
I thought breaking up with him would make the both of us happier, but while he moved on faster than I thought, I stumbled down a dark hole. Everyday was a blur. I couldn't focus in school, I'd cut class, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I abandoned my band, I stopped listening to music, and quit all extracurricular activities I was so passionate about. Everything around me became dark and I couldn't see any positives in my life. On top of my ongoing struggles, I'd reminisce about my dad I hadn't seen in years. I'd cry out of the blue, I wouldn't eat, and I started cutting and drinking. Occasionally, I'd lash out at my aunt and throw things across the room. I was a mess.
Luckily, I realized something was wrong with me and seeked help at a nearby therapy center. I met with my therapist once a week and then twice a week, paying her from my little piggy bank. I didn't tell anybody, not even my best friend since kindergarten. I was embarrassed about my depression and didn't want anyone to know. Unfortunately, only after a few therapy sessions, I had to move for college. My therapist told me to continue seeing a doctor or therapist in college. I didn't listen.
After moving, I felt the change in environment was making me better and I was happy. I didn't feel like I needed help anymore. I stopped cutting and all other bad habits. I decided to forget about high school and start fresh. That was a mistake.
Back in January, during my winter break, I lost my grandmother (my grandfather passed when I was younger) tragically. It was the hardest time in my life, but I somehow kept going. However, just two or three months later, I lost a high school teacher to cancer, and since my school was/is a close-knit community, he was basically my family. I wanted to kill myself and I was (and still am) so furious with my family and I was (and still am) furious with the doctors who couldn't help my grandmother and the doctors who couldn't help my former teacher. In my grandmother's case, I also blamed myself for not having done something instead of letting the adults handling everything.
After returning to college, I felt completely lifeless and in shock. I decided to kill myself and went to the school health center to ask for sleeping pills (to overdose on). I underestimated them. I was sent in to see one of the doctors who, instead of asking questions about sleeping problems started asking me questions about life and he knew I was planning on committing suicide. I was instructed to see him twice a week. I decided to give myself some time to be helped and delayed my death plan. However, since my doctor prescribed some light pills, after the first appointment I went to buy them at Longs and I kept them in my bedside drawer. I'd take one every night for a few weeks, just to see what it was like. After a few weeks, I went back to Longs and bought antidepressants.
Then came the summer break and I went back to my hometown again. As soon as I got back, my aunt and uncle found out I had two tattoos I'd been hiding for a year, and my aunt forced me to get them removed. The second one was dedicated to my grandparents and my first one was dedicated to a professor whom I was close with who left two years ago. I was beyond angry and upset. When I returned to college, I was expecting to be able to talk it out with a friend, but he wasn't here for me like I'd expected him to be, so I instead went to my doctor and talked it out with him. He gave me tips on how to get by and told me to exercise more. The most valuable piece of advice he gave to me was to focus on my studies. I thought that was the worst piece of advice anyone could give, but it turned out to help.
Studying has been saving me. I've realized that the more we know the less we have to fear in life. I also decided focusing on my hobbies would help too, since I completely abandoned them back when I was depressed in high school, which was unhelpful for my health. Now, I am happier than I've ever been in my life. I've learned so much about how to be happy and healthy during these past couple of months.
To end this Take, I'm going to list out those things and all the main tips I have for those of you struggling from depression.
1) SEEK HELP
There is no excuse for not getting professional help. You cannot get through it alone and trust me, if I was able to do it, so can you. No money? Find a way to get it. Afraid someone will find out and judge you? Just don't let them find out. Not sure if therapy will help? Please, just try it.
2) TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND OR WHOMEVER YOU'RE CLOSE TO
Finally telling my best friend since Kindergarten after all these years was so relieving. She has been so supportive these past couple of months, and I regret not having told her back in high school. It's so different when someone you're close with knows.
3) ELIMINATE THINGS AND PEOPLE WHO DRAG YOU DOWN
If there's something or someone you know is the ultimate cause or one of the causes of your stress, you have to get rid of it/them. This could be a good friend, boyfriend, an activity you've always done but never enjoyed, etc. It's hard at first, but these past couple of weeks I've eliminated two people I loved who weren't doing me any good, and I'm so much better off without them.
4) STUDY
Even though studying is probably the last thing on your mind, try. KNOWING decreases our fears - and when I say fears, I mean doubts, questions, anything like that. Study philosophy, ethnic studies, politics, history, read the news - anything that will help you understand more about the world. It may be hard to see how all that can help us individually, but you'll see. Just do it.
5) MAKE TIME FOR YOUR PASSION(S)
My passion is dancing, and I was too busy to do it when I first started college, but this semester I looked long and hard till I found a class that's every Friday evening and it's the most enjoyable thing in my life right now. Don't be lazy and go FIND opportunities to do these things you love.
6) EXERCISE. At least once a week. Again, don't be lazy. Push yourself.
That's all I've got for you kids. I hope this helps in one way or another. xx
I think the key to happiness is to not be dependent on other people to create your own happiness." - Brittany Murphy (RIP)
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