This is What Depression Feels Like (at Least For Me)

[just_tired]

Someone just asked a question about being happy, happy generally in your life. My answer was obviously no, but it got me thinking when was the last time I was happy ..and what does it feel like. I don't know and I can't remember. I remember that there was a time I was happy, but I don't remember what it actually felt like. I was diagnosed with depression last summer, but I've had it at least a decade and some years beyond that. There's been better times and there's been worse times, but one thing is for sure, as long as I've been depressed I've been unhappy.

I remember that there was a time I was happy, but I don't remember what it actually felt like.

So how would I describe it..

I could give you some of possible symptoms..

Sadness, emptiness, or anxiousness

Feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, or guilt

Hopelessness

Irritability

Less interest in activities

Less energy

Trouble concentrating

Changes in the way you sleep

Changes in appetite

Aches and pains

..but that doesn't really give a good picture. You can understand or even relate to the individual symptoms, but it's really hard to imagine them together.

This is a description I quite often give:

It's like flowing through syrupy water trying to swim shore, but you can't move. Everything feels sluggish and tiring and nothing you do seems to have any effect. You just keep sinking further. Bad thoughts circling in your head in an eternal loop. Things you did wrong in the past, things you're going to do wrong in the future, things that you're missing, things that you lost... You go from feeling everything to feeling nothing, just an empty shell. No joy in the now, no hope in the future. It sucks the life out of you.. and leaves a hole.

You can't really find motivation to do anything and don't really even see point in trying. It's really hard to concentrate on anything and it can feel almost impossible to make decisions. Depression is pretty much a vicious cycle that feeds itself. You get comfortable in the misery. You get to the point where you don't want leave the misery, because you're afraid of change. It becomes your best friend and worst enemy.

You go from feeling everything to feeling nothing, just an empty shell. No joy in the now, no hope in the future. It sucks the life out of you.. and leaves a hole.

You probably still don't fully understand..

..and that's okay. I don't expect anyone who hasn't experienced depression to perfectly understand how it feels, because they really can't. However, I appreciate attempting to do so. All I can expect is for you to try and understand. The sheer magnitude of what depression entails is overwhelming.

If some of the things written here feel familiar to you, you should talk to a doctor. A good start is to take the BDI test, which is widely used to diagnose depression, and take the results to your doctor.

https://www.bmc.org/sites/default/files/For_Medical_Professionals/Pediatric_Resources/Pediatrics__MA_Center_for_Sudden_Infant_Death_Syndrome__SIDS_/Beck-Depression-Inventory-BDI.pdf

I can also answer any questions you have to the best of my abilities.

There's always hope and depression is just a curable disease.

Have a good day..

[gobsmacked3]

I have had many dark moments in my life. Particularly in my youth dealing with my abusive alcoholic father. At times I was so down I thought about ending it all. The retrospective is the depth of feelings I was feeling. Sadness, betrayal, hurt, loss etc etc etc

How this pertains to Depression is I think many instantly claim it without fully appreciating these feelings. By acknowledging them.

I am not trying to diminish Depression in any way. I have worked in crisis counselling and have a real appreciation of how devastating it is. The point I am making is many claim it without justification. The worst aspect is the medical field is so driven by profit that they diagnose it and administer drugs accordingly. Ching ching, profit made.

For those with real Depression. The stand out is you never deal with it. Instead, it deals with you. There are times it is so debilitating that you cannot even get out of bed. Or if you can, you cannot complete even basic tasks. Your mind is so shrouded in grey lurching into times of real darkness that it is like you are in a perpetual daze.

The 'Black Dog' is the cruellest life accompaniment :(

[just_tired]

Yeah I kind of agree. Self diagnosing is just bad idea, because you just don't know. Gladly there's no for profit medical field in Finland (though there are some private practices).

For me it took well over 10 years to do anything about it and even then I didn't want to. It was either getting help or dropping out of school.

[gobsmacked3]

GAG is hardly a pointer to life but it galls me how many cite Depression. Believe me, if you really suffered from Depression, you know. It destroys you and brings you to your knees. You are trapped and regardless of counselling or treatment there is rarely an escape

Sadly, had many fall to it :(

[Anonymous]

Just to let you know, lack of some vitamins is connected to depression in many people. Cod fish oil may also be of help...

I think sometimes human beings work against themselves... like you may not feel motivated, but if you don't actually do anything, things will only get worse.
And sometimes, when you do try hard at something very small despite you really, really not feeling like doing it - like even just cleaning up the house, taking a shower, having a home cooked meal, going out with a friend, changing the sheets of your bed, etc. - you may end up feeling better than you did before.

I think relationships cannot heal you, but connections with other people (family, friends, etc.) are what keep people going.
To me the sea was always very soothing as well.

[Opinion Owner]

*relationships may not heal you, but they may keep you going and give you a purpose in life.
Your existence gives other people purpose too.

I would really recommend you research the vitamins deficiency thing, if you haven't yet.
Nowadays most people don't eat properly and it really affects much more than we think.

[just_tired]

I'll look into it, I do take some supplements already like omega-3 and D-vitamin.

Lately I've had this feeling that I might want to try to find someone again, but I'm not sure if I'm at the right place to do that..

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, please do.
Sometimes it's not just in the mind.
I sound like an advertisement, but proper nutrition, sleep and exercise!

Relationships with an SO are tricky because if you don't choose wisely, you may end up worse than how you started (they may do you more harm than good).
It's okay, you can take your time and don't have to proactively search for someone new. Don't have to hide from it either, just be yourself.
Hopefully you still have friends and family, maybe even a pet.

25 years old, I'm sure you face many challenges like at work and other things - and so did I -, but the world is your oyster! There are very few things you cannot redo or try again tomorrow.
Your health is the most important. Take it easy!

[just_tired]

Well.. I guess should've had an old someone to find a new one.. but I get your point. Yeah I do have friends and family.

I'm currently on a sick leave from my studies while I go to therapy. I have so much time on my hands, I don't really know what to do with myself.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you for MH.
I hope you're doing good.
I don't know the field of your studies or what kind of interests you have, but I always hear that engaging in some craft has helped many people with depression or anxiety...
These simple crafts included Arraiolos (Portuguese tapestry), crochet, embroidery and others. The point seems to be that you're entertained with the stitches and colours, keep your hands and mind busy not to wander about other strange things. As a hobby, it's also stress relieving given that you don't have a particular deadline to meet.

While I'm a bit hesitant to recommend this because these crafts are usually associated with women (or grannies, but I'm sure many men also engage in them), I'm sure there's something out there that might spike your interest.
For instance, I'm now trying to learn sewing and reading this book of a man who sews his own shirts. I find it quite good and he seems to enjoy himself. It's called Shirtmaking by David Coffin.

[just_tired]

I have quite a few hobbies, they do help with the coping.. thanks!

[Opinion Owner]

That's great!
Thank you, all the best!

[just_tired]

To you too ^^

[Anonymous]

Sadness, emptiness, or anxiousness ✓
: I always feel these for no reason, even though there was nothing I should be sad about during those times. I always cry whenever this happen. I just feel really, really sad. :(

Feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, or guilt ✓
: I feel this all the time, I don't even know what I should do. Sometimes I wonder if it is right for me to stay.

Hopelessness ✓
: No one understands how I feel, no one listens, if I do try to talk about this heaviness, they just laugh it off...

Irritability ✓
: For some reason, I am easily irritated. I get triggered easily over small stupid stuff.

Less interest in activities ✓
: This is true, I just don't wanna do anything.

Less energy ✓
: I always feel tired even though I sleep enough hours (8++ hours). I don't feel 'energetic'.

Trouble concentrating ✓
: I can relate. My mind just drift away without me realizing it. This affected my grades a lot. I tried really hard to concentrate, took some kind of supplements to increase my concentration but it didn't really help. I feel the same.

Changes in the way you sleep ✓
: Sometimes I sleep at 8 - 9 PM, then, it switched to 2 to 3 AM before reverting back to the previous one.

Changes in appetite ✓
: Sometimes when I eat in large amounts, I'm still hungry but when I eat in smaller portions, I feel full lol.

Aches and pains ✓
: This is undeniably true, at least it is for me. I woke up with my whole body aching and it lasts for a while.

I gotta say that this is very accurate in my opinion. :(

[just_tired]

Have you looked for helped? Talked to a doctor or a therapist?

[melanieeeB]

I do have depressive moments. Not going to say I have depression tho because I don't feel like this all the time, it comes and goes. So for me there is a difference in being depressive and feeling depressive sometimes if that makes sense.

I would describe it as something pulling you down in a dark worthless hole. You can't get out and it's just pulling you deeper and deeper. Like you said you feel nothing, there is no point in doing something all I want to do is lie in my bed and sleep. I feel so tired even tho I slept enough. Eveything feels worthless and my brain is full with negative thoughts.

My thing is I hate the misery so freaking much, I hate that feeling so much that I can't stand being that way so I try my hardest to get out and when something bad happens or something small that reminds me of a bad memory, it hits me and throws me back into this hole.

[just_tired]

It does come and go for me too although my regular state is may be a bit worse. Have you talked to a therapist or a doctor? Are the depressive moments long?

[melanieeeB]

How is your regular state?
Mostly just for a few weeks, last year for months tho
And not yet, well my doctor already told me cause of something else that I should definitely see a psychologist and I have an appointment. I will see

[NineBreaker]

Man! I know exactly how this feels. For years I've been diagnosed with depression, and was treated for it unsuccessfully. It turns out that my depression was caused by an underlying medical problem: severe obstructive sleep apnea in addition to undiagnosed mild intermittent and exercise-induced asthma. Once I started getting treated for these conditions, I almost immediately started to feel better. I've seen this happen a lot with people suffering from chronic health problems, where that gets worse when they are not diagnosed properly if at all.

Sometimes, depression doesn't have an underlying or known cause, and treatment isn't always successful, but for anyone who is battling depression, my advice is: Never give up! Keep fighting!

[carncars]

I miss a few aspects in this description to understand more about it. How are things in your family. Is everything fine or something missing. Do you have a date or not. I need more details about that and your life and envirement to understand more about you and your feelings and the possible causes.

[just_tired]

Family is great, no relationship, the cause of my depression is most likely having no relationship and my social anxiety disorder. Will know more after my psychotherapy starts.

[carncars]

Have you never gone through something traumatically in your whole live?

[just_tired]

Not really, some relatives have died throughout the years, but everyone experience that.

[carncars]

Perhaps a strange question. But did you once had hobbies you perhaps like. Like biking or something else you felt comfortable with. In other words what were your nice memories even as a child. Age doesn't matter. Or what was the last thing you did you really like like talking with your parents or swimming or walking or driving your car.

[just_tired]

I actually started playing music again and going back to the gym soon. Also I go hiking whenever I can.

Last time I was happy was in elementary school.

[carncars]

Do you have trouble finding work after you finished school or is that not a problem?

[just_tired]

Still studying my master's, but it's on hold for now while I go to therapy.

[carncars]

Ok. So coincidental just before you finish school you do not feel well. And if you see a doctor they call you crazy so you don't find a job. People unaware know what is going on. You can feel it. That you are ill or not do feel well is a sign. Nothing more. You did in the first place something to well and society loves a bit more corrupted persons. But you are almost there. See no more a doctor , play no more their game then you do not feel sick anymore. Trust me. Fight for your place in society do not let them kick you out even if they try to.
Then you feel healthy again and can study again. Believe me, you already came this far. Further. Keep your eyes always open and look around you and keep that way an eye on everything that is going on without interfering but just to notice and be aware of what is going on around you. Make sure you become honest and help others eventually on their way when you see other struggling if you are able to do that even just with nice words.

[just_tired]

No... I've had depression and an anxiety disorder for well over 10 years. No offence, but you're giving really bad advice. Psychotherapy is the only way to cure real depression... Mental illnesses are illnesses that require treatment just as physical ones do. I agree that SOME people self diagnose depression way too quickly and easily, but depression and mental illnesses are an massive issue and it's the exact reason why I wrote this myTake.

[carncars]

It is well known doctors can't cure or never did people with a mental disorder and so most got stuck to medicine their whole life.
In other words they do not cure. And they suffer badly so it is not a subject to take lightly also. Because those people are in real serious pain.
And the society is thoughtless with those people and you see it in the whole media there is not thinking about those people once and the government shows no interests and do nothing at all and yeah so it is proven that in that field are many problems and so do not brag how social our society is since it is not at all social.
Why would we need to depend on doctors. Why does anybody treat them as gods and sees them as gods as if they whorship them and believe they can do everything? I think that is exaggerated.
You are young and say you suffer for ten years. You story sometimes is a bit weird when it comes to trauma so I try to understand it.
And you sound healthy to give people the advise to seek a doctor that

[carncars]

always only healthy people give as an advise. And those healthy people make no effort to society because they are pro being the idea of being able to manage on your own what you learn from psychologe. So they are in that branch and yes many are indeed atheists.

[just_tired]

"It is well known doctors can't cure or never did people with a mental disorder and so most got stuck to medicine their whole life." It is a well known and studied FACT that PSYCHOTHERAPY done by psychiatrists and psychologists can and does change the brain's chemistry and cures different kinds of mental illnesses like depression and anxiety disorder. Medication is just a temporary solution.

"And the society is thoughtless with those people and you see it in the whole media there is not thinking about those people once and the government shows no interests and do nothing at all" Yes and once again, that's why I wrote this myTake.

"and yeah so it is proven that in that field are many problems and so do not brag how social our society is since it is not at all social." There's problems in all fields. When did I brag about.. what? What are you talking about.

[just_tired]

"Why would we need to depend on doctors." Because modern healthcare has doubled our life expectancy.

"Why does anybody treat them as gods and sees them as gods as if they whorship them and believe they can do everything?" I don't. I'm a critical thinker. I've studied biology, medicine and read tons of studies and interpreted them. I'm an engineer, I'm pretty damn good at it.

"You are young and say you suffer for ten years. You story sometimes is a bit weird when it comes to trauma so I try to understand it." Developing a depression or anxiety disorder or any mental illness at all DOES NOT require some massive past trauma. It simply doesn't. A trauma can lead to a mental illness, but is not a prerequisite.

"And you sound healthy to give people the advise to seek a doctor that" And here we are.. this is the exact reason I needed to write this post. Do you think that all depressed people are some type of gloomy movie stereotype? Mental illnesses do not necessarily show to the surface.

[carncars]

People who suffer you must treat soft. That you need still to learn in your profession and you already are able to make your own diagnose. Good. And I hope you can help yourself as many others were able to do and you fit in society just well. :)

[loveisbeautiful]

I totally understand that, I don't have depression but I do have anxiety and relate to most of what you said here. I don't think people truly understand what it's like to feel all these things inside that you can't control and don't really understand yourself why you feel them. It's hard.

[just_tired]

I actually wrote about that too
What it's Like to Live With a Social Anxiety Disorder ↗

[loveisbeautiful]

That's a good article too, I understand everything you wrote in that one as well. I use to take anxiety medicine but I had to stop because the side effects were so bad and I was sick a lot. Now that I'm off of it I feel all those things inside again that I can't control, it feels like a self prison, no escape. I try but it's hard.

[just_tired]

Yeah anxiety/depression meds are a double edged sword. Have you thought about trying some other anxiety drug?

[loveisbeautiful]

Well, this was like the fourth one or so that I tried. It was the one I was on the longest but every time I try one it gives me some bad side effect. So, I don't really want to but I am thinking of trying a natural supplement instead.

[just_tired]

Well the meds are only supposed to be a temporary solution. Are you also going to therapy?

Natural supplements are worth a try. Some people are just more prone to getting the bad side effects...

[loveisbeautiful]

No, I did try for awhile but I found the therapist left me with more anxiety then I came in with. Plus, I always thought therapist helped you to find solutions to cope, this one did not. So, now I just try to figure it out myself by reading self help books and stuff.

[just_tired]

You're not supposed to just settle on the first therapist you find.. You're supposed to look and interview them until you find the one that works for you. One that you have good chemistry with and does the things you need. There's different kinds of psychotherapy. What you obviously need is solution-focused therapy.

[loveisbeautiful]

Okay.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

My depression started in HS. I just couldn't tell anyone about it.

It lasted years and what made worst was living with another negative thought loser who was daily drunk. That pretty much sealed it. 😡

I'm now far better than I was two years ago when I left that damn house for good.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Good take

[just_tired]

Thanks and I'm glad you're now better.

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

I feel like you described my life. I've been like this for as long as I remember. I have days when I cry when I wake. Everything is so hard. I learned how to appear normal to other people so nobody suspects anything.
I feel like I'm playing a role, not actually living. My biggest wish is to experience how it feels to wake up and feel normal.

[just_tired]

Yeah, I pretended for 10 years and kind of lost myself somewhere in the middle, but I gotta tell you it is hard, but freeing to tell the people closest to you. Have you gone to therapy?

[Anonymous]

Yeah that's spot on how I feel. I haven't been diagnosed though.
People say I shouldn't end my life cause I'll get better and be glad I didn't but they don't seem to realise that means nothing to me. Surely it's not possible for people to actually want to live. And at least now I know I have death as an easy escape, if I wanted to live I wouldn't even have that. So it seems I want to die more than I want to get better, so I guess I'm too far gone

[LastRaven]

Go get diagnosed, you may benefit from a treatment plan. Believe it or not, you can have brain chemistry that is simply out of wack.

[just_tired]

@LastRaven Exactly, that's what it is. Things wrong in your brain chemistry and that can be changed.

[Opinion Owner]

I don't even know where I'd go or how to go about it. And I can't be bothered with any of that.
I did have two sessions with a psychologist but then I didn't go back cause it was really stressing me out

[just_tired]

A doctor, a hotline, maybe try another psychologist?

[Opinion Owner]

There is no hotline in my country, and I don't think I'd go to a doctor even if I was dying. And I don't have health insurance at the moment anyway

[cupidkisses]

i.pinimg.com/.../...-illness-depression-quotes.jpg

[lovelyhoneybones]

Depression is no matter how good your day is going, no matter how content you are with life, your family, your friends, you still feel sad and empty.

[jacquesvol]

For me it was like a long dark tunnel without light at the end. I just eent on an on... because I'm stubborn. And onne day I reached the end.

[jacquesvol]

*Went on anD on...*

[dipta]

What was the end like?

[jacquesvol]

@dipta A peaceful , harmonic world but an employer used to see me doing overtime without pay. :-p

[red_knight]

Berry good take friend..

[scooogy]

True. I bore for too long with indecisive people. Got chased around, based on their indecisions.

[Anonymous]

Hmm I just need life.
For me the thing that makes me have the things you describe are social isolation and being used by others.
I think every pain has a cause even depression..

[Anonymous]

I think the best places for people who have depression it's better for them to move to hotter places.

[Nice222]

Thanks for sharing thankfully I have never experienced this.

[PrincessPie]

I can really relate to this my take, great job.

[Kai02]

This explains having depression so well

[Pocahontas2000]

I felt like It was written by me. Good MyTake.

[Anonymous]

welcome to my life :(

[just_tired]

Are you going to therapy?