One thing that bothers me about death is my fear the death was preventable, whenever an unjustly wronged person dies, I wonder whether it was health issues or suicide.
I remember I once went to an optometrist to get my eyes checked, my optometrist loved his job! He dressed up in a beautiful suit and tie to show us he respected his customers even though it was a hot summer day and any normal person would be sweating, I also explained to him that I was on a budget because I was in school and could not work full time so he pointed to the cheapest glasses in the room and said I could get a wonderful pair for just $50. He later showed me his business card and I learned he had a PhD. I visited the same walmart a few years later for another eye exam and they told me the optometrist had died. I just hoped that it was not suicide over student loans.
The new optometrist at the other eye clinic charged over $150 for an exam, while the PhD one that died charged $50 at Walmart. And the one that charged more did not have a PhD, did not take care of their appearance, did not dress up, and when I returned to Walmart to buy glasses, the sales associate lied and told me their cheapest pair was $120+ and the new walmart optometrist would not even sign his signature on the eye exam sheet because he did not want to be liable if he had made an error in judgment while examining me, did not smile or ask how my day was, dressed in an ugly blue robe you would find at a hospital and appeared to have been educated in the Philippines rather than Canada because he was not familiar with Canadian etiquette.
What a tragedy it would have been if that incredibly selfless optometrist had died from suicide!
My best friend in high school would attempt suicide at least 4 times a year because she felt like an unattractive nerd that nobody liked but years later, she was the top student in her grade, became a pharmacy professor at the best school in the country and had over a thousand friends before she decided to trim her social group to save time, I did not make the cut and we no longer talk but her life is amazing now, because somebody stopped her from ending things when she believed her future would be bad.
You are beautiful and you should never give up.