Happiness? That's not in my vocabulary?

[Anonymous]

I can honestly say I'm not completely happy. I'm still questing life and my meaning. I think my concerns about the future is really getting to me. I can't see it and the fact that nothing in my life right now is giving me any hope that there is one. I can't even support myself. I can't even go to the doctor office and fill out the information without my mom, and it's not a good feeling. I'm almost 18, in 7 months. I've never had a job, a car, or even any real responsibly. I have nothing to prepare me for the real world. I'm starting to think I might never be. I have to do what ever I can and if it means doing it all on my own, relying only on me, then so be it. That' what I'm going to do. If I have to go to school, go to work and do volunteer work all in one day with a lack of sleep I'm going to do it.

Lately I haven't been feeling so well, and it's not because I'm sick. It's just that I have my own personal issues that I'm dealing with. Somehow me not talking to (lets say John) kind of bothers me, maybe I just miss having someone to talk to about my problems, but I'm never going to have the guts to walk up to him and tell him that. Lately I've been tying to avoid eye contact. When I look at him he doesn't look at me and when I don't look at him I can feel him looking at me, we just lost touch.

So far I only have music to comfort me, the silence of my own room and the wet spots on my pillow. I somehow think if I had someone, a guy, it will release that feeling of loneliness that has built up inside of me. I'm now starting to think my deepest thoughts are affecting my actions. I'm not as good when it comes to hiding it anymore.

Sleepless night and long thinking is all it seems like I do. I think so much I loose track of time and can't even remember what happen during that time. Right now I'm afraid of going to sleep, afraid of what I'm going to think of, afraid it might keep me up. I'm afraid of my own thoughts.

[TommyFives]

I've been through the same zone you're in now. I've doubted the possibility of a bright future, not only for myself, but those around me. At times I needed that rush of terror just to get up in the mornings. I saw friends become things I hated. Couldn't see myself in the mirror because I was afraid of the person that was looking back. I'm not a good man. I was lost, trying to put it back together. I couldn't tell my family. I had a friend who was heading even deeper into the shit I was in, so couldn't burden him with my own issues. Could of been the fear of losing my only brotha. Could of been the fact that I wasn't certain of my future either, that I didn't have a vision. My life didn't rely on brotherhood or family anymore, it was just fear and regret. But then I started writing all my thoughts into this little notepad I bought from work. Just a little composition book I keep in my back pocket. Even though I wasn't telling anyone and no one was listening, I could see that one day I would be able to give this to someone and they'd read it. They'd understand who I am, the decisions I've made, the things I had to deal with. Insecurity was ruining me. But as I wrote, I felt a little free. It was like transferring the stress out of myself and into a small book. Things started to change later. My brotha returned to his regular self - the person I grew up with. I started enjoying family time a little more, finding common ground. Things just started to magically get better. Maybe because I was able to visualize a positive future, it led me a path. I don't know how to truly explain the change, but it happened.