How do I tell my friend, she is fat?

[Anonymous]

OK. Now that I have your attention. I have no intention of telling her she is fat. She knows.

What I want to tell her is that she really needs to sit down with a nutritionist and learn how to eat healthy. We have been friends since we were little kids and I care about her like family. She keeps complaining about not being able to loose weight and now she is telling me about all these new health problems that have been developing, it's only going to get worse and I know they are due to her unhealthy lifestyle.

If someone is abusing substances family and friends try to help, why should this be different?

I have suggested she go to see a nutritionist without saying she eats unhealthy or attacking but she got mad anyway and truly believes it is not her eating habits. I have seen her eat hundreds of times over the years and trust me it's the food she eats and the amount she eats but she won't believe it.

Has anybody done this with their friends or family? How did you do it? What was the reaction? Did it help?

She is developing serious health problems and at such a young age and I am worried.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for the input everyone. I will tell her once and once only that she does not eat healthy and that because she thinks she does she really needs to talk to someone who can teach her. Her lack of knowledge on what is a healthy diet is the source of the problem. Depression is just a symptom of the problem. I know that is not always the case but it is in this case. I do appreciate everyone input since I got so many different views on how to handle it.

[heatherlu]

Most people find it easier to lose weight through exercise rather than changing what they eat; or how much of it as a starting point. Making exercise something you do pretty much everyday or at least regularly - starts more efficiently a change of lifestyle I think - than changing your eating habits.

For starters she'd be burning of weight that was already there - so her eating habits wouldn't be so bad (I mean, yes, they would - but they would be countered slightly by what she was doing) and it would give her something to do; rather than sit at home eating. It would make her drink more water and thus less soda (i'm assuming she drinks that - most people with bad eating habits do by the gallon).

I'm not saying there will be a change overnight - but for most people with eating problems, targeting it first though exercise is easier than hitting the eating head on. And more effective. Instead of an 'intervention' and suggesting she wastes her money on a nutritionist or dietitian, suggest you go for a run together. Or that you join a Pilates class together. Or something like that. Do it together - support her through it.

And you can even tell her that you want to tone up or something - and would love her to be your workout buddy.

[Asker]

Funny you bring up up the soda because the other day she mentioned that she never drinks soda and that is why she eats healthy.

[almost23]

@answerer: Workouts and dieting (correctly) are a way to having a healthy lifestyle. The girl in question is depressed and is in much more need than just a diet and working out though

[heatherlu]

Of course she is - but like I said - I find exercise a much healthier and successful starting point than dieting or comforting. She's never going to be happy with herself until she makes that change - no amount of support will conquer it. I'm not suggesting it will be the be the solution to all her problems - but it's a massive step in the right direction. It's so much easier to change a negative perceptive of oneself when the cause of that is its self being changed.

[Asker]

She is in need of an education on how to eat healthy. I have known her and her family forever and you wouldn't believe how bad their knowledge is. She believes eating cookies from the bakery is healthy because they are not from a box in the aisles in the middle of the grocery store. How misinformed is that? The depression is from her unhealthy lifestyle and she does not eat her feelings, when she is really depressed she actually looses weight since she stops eating all together.

[heatherlu]

Yes - I know; she needs to learn about eating healthy - what that means, but knowing it - isn't going to suddenly change things. It's hard to do - and even if she did completely change her eating habit off the bat just like that - it wouldn't make her completely healthy.

[TimePhantom]

You should try and do it with her. I have no idea how much you weigh but I think it is always easier if you say lets do this together rather than just telling her you are eating unhealthy. She just needs to get in the habit of eating healthier foods and smaller portions. It's a big lifestyle change that most people are very reluctant to make. Bottom line is she needs something to keep track of the amount she is eating, whether that be a friend who is dieting with her, or a program like weight watchers. Even if you can get her to simply write down what she eats throughout the day, people don't realize how much they actually eat. They forget they had some snack earlier in the day. But I would tell her that you will help her lose weight by both of you eating healthy and working out. That way she has someone to hold her accountable, and you seem more like the supportive friend rather than the fit friend who is harassing her about her eating.

[coolbeans01]

You should just tell her (like you have) that she needs to see a nutritionist. That you care about her like family and that her health problems WILL get worse if she continues. I'm surprised the doctor that told her about the health problems hasn't recommended a nutritionist. I just get her to go and meet with someone that can tell her exactly what she's doing to herself and what will happen if she doesn't stop.

Maybe tell her family (if they don't already know) and try and get them on board. She'll be angry but once she realizes what she's doing to herself she will understand

[Asker]

Her family is as bad as she is and the ones to blame for her misunderstanding about nutrition, so they are no help.

Maybe I should leave it up to her doctor since she got mad at me the only time I brought it up and it was so casual and non judgemental.

[WoIIie]

Tell her this:

You will never change if you refuse to admit there is a problem. Nobody can help you unless you want to help yourself, and quite frankly I am sick of hearing your complaints and excuses. You're not losing weight because you don't want to make the necessary sacrifices. If you think that stuffing you face with whatever you want is more important than your health, then by all means keeping stuffing your fat face. Just stop bitching about your weight.

[DianaDDreamer]

BA STITCH! : D

[Asker]

Part of my asking is because I am tired of hearing her complain. I will admit that but she seriously believes she is eating healthy and that there is something else to blame for her weight and health problems. Her eating habits are to blame for her weight and her weight is to blame for her health problems.

[WoIIie]

It starts with her. Start chopping her down from the base so her delusional outlook on nutrition gets grounded hard.

[Asker]

You might be right our friendship has survived through so much and I think it can survive me giving her a wake up call. I am not just asking because I am sick of her whining it has more to do with my fear of loosing such a close friend. She is going to die young if she doesn't change.

[almost23]

She's depressed and eating her feelings. She needs support right now, not being told she's fat and all that

[Asker]

She is not depressed. She is not eating her feelings. When she is depressed I am the first one she comes too and in fact she actually stops eating. That is how depression affects her. She was raised to eat this garbage and taught it is healthy. Both her parents are extremely unhealthy and not getting any better too.

[almost23]

She's depressed and eating her feelings. She needs support right now, not being told she's fat and all that

[WoIIie]

Actually, the first thing a fat person needs to know is how fat they are.

[Asker]

She knows, she just won't admit that it is her lifestyle that is causing it.

[almost23]

@Stitches: Actually, the last thing you want to tell a girl, is that she's fat, it's probably better if a woman tells her than a man but...you really should stay away from it

@Question asker: Depression is an ongoing occurrence, it isn't just one event. Like I said, telling her she's fat and getting nutritional help isn't going to help

[WoIIie]

I'd like to know how many obese people you've saved with this PC approach.

[almost23]

@Stitches: It's only patronizing them. They have to realize it on their own, getting help with their depression might help that

[Asker]

I know about depression, since I have suffered from it too. I do know that just because it is not bad now that she is still suffering from it. The problem with her is that she honestly believes she eats healthy and that her health problems and weight is caused by something else. She was raised this way and I am worried I will lose her way too soon because of it. By loosing her I do mean by her dying just in case anyone was wondering.

[almost23]

She needs professional help, it's out of your hands