Guys only like me now that I've lost weight?

Question

I've recently lost a good amount of weight (and have gained a bit of confidence, but for the most part I've got the same personality) and have noticed all the male attention I've been getting from new guys, but also the same guys I've known for awhile who have never shown a romantic interest in me until now.

I feel a bit resentful towards these guys I know who are just now putting more effort into our relationship because I feel as if all this time my personality hasn't been enough to get them to be attracted to me. I just can't over the feeling that they're all really shallow and I don't want these feelings to hurt my friendships with them. How do I get over this?

anonymous221984 · Accepted Answer

Congrats on being healthier, and I've also been in your boat. Lost a lot of weight years ago, and the bitterness about it was something I too had to deal with. My first advice would be to date outside this pool. Good way to expand your options, move on to the future and also stick it to 'em. And a really good point made earlier was that this is a good way to find out who your real friends are. If you think this is awkward with men, wait till you focus on your female friends and also your family. And no, it's not all "shallowness." It'st he simple concept of change. We are all connected, and when you change, the others around you have to adjust. Whether implants, a nose job or weight loss, your life can alter greatly with a change in appearance, so this adjustment period is to be expected.

Secondly, a bi product of weight loss for me was just dressing up more, smiling more, and sending more confident signals, and so I exuded a sexual energy that was dormant for years. IYour confidence and excitement over a new life/image is also contagious and attractive. As a now "not fat" person, I can also tell you that I've looked back at my life (I'm 28) and realized that I was never really as unnattractive, physically speaking, as I thought. I just had tapes rolling in my head beating myself down to the point that no guy friend would ever consider me or would I consider them, feeling that I wasn't in the "game" anyway. Way to shut down any potentials. You can never know if those guys didn't like you before. What if they secretly did, but you rejected them unintentially by judging yourself as a non contender? Soconsider the tapes in your mind and what they once told you and how that could have affected your reality. Here's a link that helped me through some body issues just this week: mybodygallery.com. Enter your weight and height to learn what you might look like or have once looked like.

You will also discover, once you get really used to your new looks, how much it isn't about looks when it comes to love. Weight loss can lead lot of obsession with your looks and a lot of observations about others and their obsessions (this has been confirmed with many of my former fatty friends :P). But in the end, that becomes a sad place of either mistrust of others or a dependence on looks on your part as you get more comfortable with your own

And as for any harsh answers above, be sure to not only check their ages, but know that the male population is large ;). Also, now that you do "take care of yourself," (one of the most annoying phrases used by mainstream men to describe their preferences, but I'm using it literally), you will also find yourself attracted to me who can contribute to and support your healthier lifestyle. I want someone who loves me for "me," however, if he eats a cheeseburger everyday, I'm not sure how long our relationship will last considering he might be dead a year into it ;P.

rudy37lee · Accepted Answer

You sound like the nerdy guy in high school who never got any attention from the girls, graduates becomes rich and all of a sudden he's got women all over him. He's very resentful for how he was treated in the past and takes it out on the women.

Don't be that person. You have improved yourself, of course people are going to react more favorably to you. You know you're a good person, don't let what other people think of you affect what YOU know about yourself. That's where the real truth is.

People are attracted to what they are attracted to, and sounds like you've moved yourself into a category where you're receiving more advances than you were before, be happy about it don' t look for reasons why it's not right. Men are visual, and how you look is part of the package. I'd even go so far as to say if your man isn't attracted to you in a sexual way, you're really just glorified room mates/friends.

Don't let your new look change who you are on the inside. Would you have dated the guy if he'd asked you out before you lost the weight? If they answer is yes, then your answer should be yes now. Give him a shot, if he turns out to be a d*** then move on, at least you tried. Don't be resentful, don't make men suffer now for your suffering in the past, that is a horrible way to live. You're right, your personality wasn't enough to get them attracted. Now ya got the whole package girl, use it to your advantage, you become resentful you'll scare ALL OF THEM AWAY. No man deserves to be punished for anothers mistakes. Chillax and enjoy your newfound body.

vmw2008 · Accepted Answer

Well first, think about how you would react if a guy who was severely overweight, but had a good personality, suddenly lost a lot of weight and became very physically attractive. It's a sad fact of life, but we all need physical attraction to be romantically interested in someone.

That being said, it does not mean you now have to date the guys who ignored you in the past. You have every right to feel a "snooze you lose" mentality about them, as you can't start a relationship with resentment anyway. You are still in control of who you date. So find a guy who makes you feel that he's putting your personality first, and date him. These guys are obviously making you feel as if they don't value your personality as much, so they're clearly not the guys for you.

In the meantime, reap the benefits of your hard work. Not just in a dating sense, but in a healthier you sense. Many more options are open to you now (as well as men if we're being honest), and it's better to enjoy the attention rather than feel bad about it. You don't have to date the ones who are clearly shallow, date the ones who make it clear they care about your mind more.

ArtistBboy · Accepted Answer

I would reframe your belief. It's my interpretation that you are feeling like these guys knowingly rejected you because you didn't have a fit body, but I think it's more-likely the case that they didn't give your personality the time of day. Take my example for a second, and see what you think.

Physical attraction can be spotted across the room. A person is always taking risks by approaching another person, if not physical harm (e.g. a protective boyfriend/girlfriend), there are emotional risks involved too (e.g. social discomfort / emotional rejection / etc). In turn, people need to compensate a value for their action, the "value" would be that they can initially understand that there is at least one trait that they want in their partner (health), which shows them that there is a reason to approach and learn more. Most guys in the dating field don't just fall over dead for a woman with a smoking body because most of them give an uptight front which chases any potential suitors away, later showing through repetition that attractive people may not be so attractive on the inside (because of an actively practiced bias). Am I saying that there aren't any beautiful people (Both in, and out, or anything inbetween)? No, I am not. I am merely explaining the concept that "beauty" can be indicated as a desirable trait from across the room, while your personality is not as easily noticed for most of us guys (e.g. we can tell if you are approachable, not if your a social bug / study-nerd / etc).

And who says you should turn out like them? These guys didn't give you the chance to open up, but you are feeling a bias which naturally rejects others who try to open up to you. I always maintain the philosophy that says I will not reject someone until I have a reason to. If their first few words to me are about my ass, I will probably think their intelligence is too low to maintain a solid conversation - in which I have a reason to reject them. But until they have shown me that reason, I will not turn them away.

I hope it sheds some light on your situation, just my own interpretation of events :)

~ ArtistBBoy

jdcpa · Accepted Answer

How do you get over what? Life?

I guess guys go through that phase too. They expect hot girls to swarm around them and take turns blowing him because of his amazing personality. Then, when women go for hot guys, they're sluts, and when they go for guys with money, they're whores. In reality, they should snap out of la la land and hit the gym and get a real job. Life doesn't reward the lazy, and men don't either.

Being unfit sends a message, that you're lazy. That's fine if you are OK with being with an equally lazy partner. Being in shape and looking good sends a message that you care. Men want a woman who cares. Not just about herself, but understands and doesn't resist or deny or is angry about what is important to men - looks and sex. That kind of woman is more likely to be with a guy who understands what's important to women - money, status, looks, communication, sex, affection, appreciation, emotional understanding, connection, and closeness. What do you think those guys are looking for? Rosanne with a sweet personality? Sorry, life doesn't work that way.

Forgetable · Answer

When you care about you, others tend to care more about you too. Losing weight and showing you care about yourself does two things one, it makes an individual more attractive (in general, obviously most men don't fancy anorexia), and two it shows you likely have an interest in putting effort into your health which says a multitude of things.

If you care about maintaining your body then prospective mates are more likely to think that you will put effort into them, confidence is HUGE, I never used to put a lot of stock into that as I didn't have a whole lot of it, especially when I was heavier and because I tend(ed) to appreciate those who lack(ed) it that much more. I enjoy helping people find their self-confidence. Self-confidence is a special glow about a person that lets others know they are capable of handling things, they sincerely care about someone or something be it themselves a particular subject or what have you.

Think about this for a moment, if you were paying someone to work on let's say building you a custom bed to your specifications (maybe you want a bed to look like a tiger) then would you rather hirer the individual that says "I think I might be able to do something like that" or the one whom says "yeah I can get that done no problem and I can get it to you in a month or two"?

I think the best way to deal with something like this is, if you weren't already doing so, only let the people into your life who show they are worth letting in, if they're just a shallow jerk it'll show, but remember pretty much everyone is at least a little shallow, men are more prone to it statistically speaking. But it's more important that someone's HEART is in the right place and that you have more common ground than not, despite the saying "opposites attract" it's vastly untrue, individuals that seek opposites generally find interest in their opposites, because it's new to them, they may not have ever experienced "their world" but in the end it generally ends in clashing, because if you or they don't understand the others world it makes it difficult to communicate and even get along.

So my advice to you is keep those close even closer, know people by their heart condition and try your best to be understanding. It may suck seeing people that you used to like now liking you when they didn't before, but you did give them a reason to take more interest, just be careful not to become resentful and harden your heart, but also be careful that they are now interested in you for the RIGHT reasons and not superficial ones.

Best of luck to you and God bless.

JohnSanDiego · Answer

Get over it..I'm a man, who use to be in excellent shape. I use to get more women by accident than most men get on purpose. I use to be so handsome / "cute" / "fine" that I really never had to learn how to approach women..They would make it so easy for me, by either approaching me or giving me a clear sign that they wanted me to approach them. Well, that's when I was a 200 pound fitness freak, in the military, and a few years after that..Now I'm a 285 pound PC-potato.

I'm a website developing / coder geek that spends many hours sitting in front of a computer, developing websites, php scripts, among other things I get hired to do..I haven't set foot in a gym or jogged for about 5 years. I love what I do for a living but it's taken a toll on my health / fitness and my looks. Women don't treat me the same now, even though I'm still the same person I was back a few years ago when I was a so called "hunk". Do I feel resentful? Yeah, kind of, but I understand. I personally, even now as a fat dude, don't find my self attracted to fat women. So I can't judge..I have to get over it and get fit again.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but you're going to have to get over it, if you want to be happy and enjoy your new body. It's only natural for men to be more romantically / sexually attracted to you now with your new fit body, just as it is only natural for women NOT to be romantically / sexually attracted to me as a 285 pound lard butt couch potato.

Cheers

John

MrOracle · Answer

Have you ever considered that a good portion of the reason they see you as being more attractive now is because you are more CONFIDENT now? Girls tend to find confident guys sexy, right? Well, it's true for guys too: a confident girl is sexier than a depressed or self-conscious girl, and much more attractive.

SURE, there's no doubt that your body is more attractive now, and that helps too, but girls NEVER value their personalities or weight them as they should when trying to figure out why a guy is or is not attracted to them. They always thing it's ALL about looks, but it really isn't.

As you yourself admit, your body was not the only issue: you lacked confidence before, and you have that now, or are starting to anyway. If you don't think that isn't a HUGE difference, then consider how YOU feel, or your friends feel, about a guy who turns from being shy and awkward into being confident and outgoing. It's like a switch was thrown, and now all the girls are suddenly interested in him. It's the same thing here.

LaLa19Inu7 · Answer

Well this depends. Were you as confident when you were heavier as you are now? Maybe your confidence level was what the problem was. Also..how did you dress? has your dressing style changed? And yeah..that happens...alot of girls tend to think that once they lose a lot of weight or get bigger boobs or get a nose job or change their hair...the changes around them won't blow them away or surprise them that much but this isn't the case. It's not just get a boob job (for example...I'm not encouraging surgery but it does happen) and I'm set...it's getting used to my new boobs, getting my confidence in check, dealing with the new/different kind of attention or lack thereof...who knows...it's being confident in myself before I even got the surgery because the surgery doesn't give you confidence..it is how think and feel about yourself, it's realizing though pros are present...there can also be cons to this new part of yourself...and etc..

You lost weight girl...you look good and you are confident...of course people will notice and might act different around you...now you just have to get used to the attention/ accept it...and use your judgment to figure out who the real guys are who liked you for you and still do or the ones that are shallow losers. Let's face it...maybe you just happen to look prettier and shine more/ have way more confidence now and guys have noticed...this doesn't mean they are shallow...it is just they are your friends and are happy that you set a goal to change something to make you happier and it worked...and did it ever cross your mind that there was something in your personality that was turning them off before...but you just did not notice it? And also you assuming they are all shallow kind of shows your shallowness...why are you so quick to assume that your looks are the only reason they are acting differently toward you? Think about it.

TheChristian · Answer

Hi there, first of all, congratulations on losing the weight, being more confident and happy with yourself. Next I will tell you something thst you probably wouldn't expect from me but maybe you are not supposed to get over it. Everything in our lives happen for a reason. I was a virgin for quite some time and felt resentment because I either met guys who were into me and when they found out were scared away or the opppsite, guys that were not so into me and when they found out all of a sudden they wanted to be the first lol. Well at first I thought it was wrong of me for not wanting to talk to those guys but then I realized the blessing in disguise that it was. Either way, unlike other girls, I had something that made guys show me their true feelings. So I will say the same to you. You now know that there are some very shallow men out there. You are one of few who gets to experience dating from both sides of the scale so now its you're opportunity to use what you know. You probably now have a shallow radar that allows you to distinguish between the men that wouldve dated you even when you were bigger and those are the guys that you give the time of day. You should not malicious dismiss or seek out revenge or anything of the sort against the other men but now you know who to just say no to. Hope this helps. Wish you the best.

Anonymous · Answer

unfortunately that is how it is. Most guys would prefer to meet a girl like link over link and most girls link over link

I do think it's shallow, but everyone has some sort of standards for the opposite gender whether they be physical appearance or personality or financial etc. I know that it does hurt that once you improve an area of your life that was once lacking, that people change the view on you. Almost like a lottery winner who all of a sudden has so many friends. I say keep the friends as friends and rather look outside your circle for a s/o. if you can't and someone inside could be then so be it

Anonymous · Answer

Admitting the hard realities of life is always a struggle. Just get to know the guys that talk to you ... some of them may not be as shallow as you think -- some may just not have noticed because we come across thousands of people a year ... SOMETHING has to stand out to make us shine against the backdrop. Yeah ... guys are visual. You've gotta deal with it and find the best of them who can balance their obsession with sex and good looks with bigger goals and qualities. EVERYONE wants a sexually attractive partner (it's our inherent biology)... but many people will balance having a moderately attractive spouse that they get along with and connect with over a superficially perfect one they don't.

That being said, dating your friends never really works well anyway. Just brush aside your friends who are suddenly wanting to bed you and try to meet some new romantic interests. Trying to find a guy who doesn't value your looks is impossible, though. Humans are "shallow" for a reason. It's painful for those of us who aren't top tier, but it's as true as the fact that we have to fight our instinct to eat high-calorie foods all day.

thesexyyone · Answer

well, I'm gonna give it to you straight, there are two reasons why this is one could be considered shallow the other maybe not so much.

1. they may have been attracted to your personality before but would have been embarrassed to be romantically involved with what could be considered a 'larger girl" this society doesn't necessarily glorify larger women so the opinions of what others think may have played a role in this

2. the other answer is because a guy may want a girl who takes care of herself and being overweight is a signal that you may not necessarily be giving enough attention to that issue,

for most guys a girl that is "overweight" sends a signal to them that the girl has let herself go

so to speak and may not necessarily tend to hygiene, grooming and other personal matters.

doesn't mean its true just perception, guys that are percieved to be overweight have the same problem.

so in order to get over this, my suggestion is this...

be thankful your efforts are paying off and garnering attention, and now this affords you the ability to pick the guy you so choose and will open up the availability pool so to speak!

hope this helps :-)

NMMan · Answer

Some good points made here below, I'd just like to combine a few of them for my answer.

1) Maybe the extra attention is due to your changed appearance, but perhaps it's also due to the more confident nature you've recently gained. That can be as much of an aphrodisiac as anything else.

2) For there to be potential with a partner, people need to be attracted to who you are as a person, certainly, but physical attraction does play a significant role too. I'd be completely lying if I said that wasn't a factor, because for better or worse, that's just life.

The timing may seem convenient for the increased attention to be there, but you've put in the work and made a positive effort to live a healthier life...why not enjoy the rewards?

udolipixie · Answer

Guys only like me now that I've lost weight? c

Not surprising to me as that's how physical attraction for men works.

How do I get over this?

Probably best to not have some idealistic view of men and regard them as loving women's bodies not women.

"I feel as if all this time my personality hasn't been enough to get them to be attracted to me."

That feeling is correct as guys aren't like gals who can grow attraction over time or overlook physical apperance. Though it's probably best not to tell guys about that feeling or expect sympathy if the situation was reversed as most likely guys will defend not wanting you when you were overweight while balking at a gal who didn't want a guy when he was broke but wants him when he's stable or wealthy.

AndyWes · Answer

Sorry, but personality is not enough for the vast majority of people. Men are attracted mostly by looks. You could have a great personality, but if your looks don't attract us sexually, we'll probably just want to be friends. We're not going to suddenly fall in love with a girl we don't find attractive.

That's just the straight facts. Your personality and charm will make a guy want to get to know you better and help keep a relationship together, but if he's not sexually attracted, if he doesn't find you hot/cute/beautiful, he won't want anything more than friendship. Like a girl who meets a "nice, sweet guy" who lacks confidence and game. She won't want anything but friendship.

Blobb · Answer

Well I mean that's normal it's like you see a bum on the street you're not like omg hot! I so wanna f*** him for his personality. Probably you won't have any interest in getting to know him either. Give that bum a shave, shower and some nice clothes and suddenly you're probably going to be willing to get to know him. And you might even be attracted to him.

Goes the same way for you. If you make yourself more attractive, good on you! But you can't blame people for not being able to show attraction to you when you weren't attractive to them.

How to get over it, I dunno. I mean it's actually natural that you feel this way a bit. I guess either cut them off and move onto new relations and you won't have any strains on the relations due to a "bad past". Or whenever that resentment comes up just calm yourself down and contradict it in thought, you probably wouldn't go toward an unattractive person either. It's just most people aren't that extroverted.

kirstentaylorc · Answer

Truth to the matter is, guys will probably pay more attention to you when you're in better physical condition. BUT I will say, I'm sure some of the attention is that they noticed you're taking better care of yourself now. Taking care of yourself is a positive quality for somebody to have as well as the confidence you've gained. Confidence is attractive (not to be confused with cocky).

It does suck seeing how the friends you've had are shallow enough to only be interested because of your weight loss but don't sweat it, don't let them get the 'best' of you. You probably began to lose weight for yourself so don't let them get to you, you did this for yourself, you should be proud and now they notice. Congrats on your weight loss by the way! Good luck with everything else!

Anonymous · Answer

There is nothing wrong with only being attracted to good looking people. If we were not attracted to good looking people, then there would be no such thing as someone that is good looking, since what determines if someone is good looking, is the person"s ability to attract. Good looking people tend to be healthier, and produce healthier children. How is it shallow to be attracted to the same traits that have kept the human race alive all these years?

Can you honestly tell me you can look at a 350 pound man and think to yourself, "Oh yeah! I want me some of that hot ass!"? ha ha Of course not. Everyone is attracted to, what they are designed to be attracted to.

kambo_trick3y · Answer

Join the club. I used to be 200+ pounds. Well, you now face the dilemma that I had to go through many years ago. You can take two roads.

1 - In the event that you have refined your ability to read the superficiality in people, you can now cut all ties with people you perceive as shallow.

2 - Keep your friendship connection and humor the people who you now know are very shallow.

I took option 1. I don't have many friends, or that many romantic attachments, you'll find people in general are very superficial and shallow. It's hard wired into their brain. You'll probably have to hold out for someone who can understand this mentality as well as you do. Which is rare because they have to genuinely experience it.

Just giving you my way of the road.

shacodraco · Answer

you can't blame anyone for wanting to date someone that is in shape. personally I keep myself in good shape and I expect anyone I'm seeing to do the same or I wouldn't be with them. a pretty face helps sometimes but its not always enough. I'm not gonna try to force myself to be attracted to someone just because I like their personality. you can't have an intimate relationship with someone you are not attracted to.

its not being shallow, its just biology. deep down its about the kids you will have with that person.

Longshot · Answer

In the long run personality will count more, but let's be truthful -- looks are what attracts us. Another point is that looks are a sign of whether the person takes care of themself or not. I was overweight for quite a while and recently lost a lot of weight. I have seen some of the same things you are seeing, but as one woman put it to me, "I see you decided to take care of yourself."

Yes, some of it is shallow because there is a bias against fat people. However, it is a sign of whether you are into taking care of your own health.

why-makoto-kun · Answer

Congrats on losing the weight! I think most guys prefer a healthy weight. When I was in middle school I was right on the edge of being overweight (BMI of like 24.9). And I kind of struggled with it, losing 10 lbs, getting more attention, then about 10 more lbs to an ideal weight (BMI of around 20).

Now, a lot of people may say, "20 lbs? Big deal; that's shallow blah blah blah" but I'm short and have a small frame, so that little amount of weight made me look way bigger than I was. Some women carry extra weight well (it, um, goes to the right places) but for me I just get a big ol' belly and a chubby face, with only slightly bigger thighs, hips, and butt.

So what I'm saying is that these guys may be shallow for not giving your personality a chance, but the animal attraction must be there, and many guys do not go for the beach-ball look like I had.

Heck, I won't even date a beach-ball guy myself. Not my preference, and it's unfair to date someone you're not attracted to.

Anonymous · Answer

It never ceases to amaze me how people buy into the non-sense that somehow it's only "ok" to be attracted to someone because of their personality, and how it's somehow "not ok" to be physically attracted to them. Human attraction is complex and multifaceted. You need to have BOTH for it to really work.

And there's nothing at all "shallow" about being physically and sexually attracted to someone. One major point of a relationship is to have sex and eventually have kids. And you want those kids to be as physically strong as possible. That happens when your partner is in great shape. And that's why their bodies turn us on so much and make us want to have sex with them.

Anonymous · Answer

You were sexually unattractive before, there's no debating that. Why would a guy pursue something he found repulsive? He at least kept you as a friend.

Furthermore, do you think girls willingly throw themselves at guys that haven't learned game? There are countless guys out there who aren't that good with women, but that women will never give them a chance.

The bottom line is, women want a finished product ever bit as much as guys do. You're just finding this out now that women and men have low tolerances for what they find unattractive in a partner.

Guys only like me now that I've lost weight?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said