This is a tricky one. Or maybe I mean a sensitive one. We're about the same age (I'm 22). Since I was a little girl, I've heard teachers, movers and influencers, social leaders... all preaching at me that I shouldn't ever make any man the center of my world. I've always been told that MY interests, MY career, My life APART from my partner should be the most important things to me. So I don't get why society that's been preaching that to us women for so long should have a problem that men feel the same way.
And just about every study I've read on parenting says that mothers tend to prioritize their children over their husband's needs and to love their children more. So many of us women have already been doing this. I get that our kids aren't "friends," but the principle is the same--we love people even more than our spouse. I also get that not every mother feels this way.
I don't think another human being could ever be the most important thing to me. Then again, I don't plan on getting married or having kids. But if I had a husband, I wouldn't be upset that his friends or parents or... were more important to him than me. I'm not the jealous type. I'd only be upset if he were abusive (emotionally, financially...) or if he refused to spend any time with me. In which case I wouldn't try to change him (he deserves to be whoever he wants to be--apart from abusive--and if I loved him I'd recognize this). If it didn't work for me, I'd let him know and I'd leave. But if we had kids, I think I'd just learn to deal with it because you can't change the way other people feel, but at the same time a kid I chose to create would deserve more than separated parents. If possible.
Expecting to be first in others' lives, at least I think, leads to deception and worse things. Why can't people love whoever they do and prioritize however they want? Just like we love the people we love, I think we should be free to prioritize the people we like. And we should be free to honestly acknowledge this. I wouldn't want anyone to feel obligated to love me first. Anyway, I hope you and your husband can work something out that works for your family. Good luck.
@Jamie05rhs I respect you have a different opinion--really I do. But I don't think there is any objective answer to what lowering standards even means. That's one of those complex social constructs there are just opinions on--and some of the opinions are popular while others aren't.
I'm not throwing my sisters under a bus. There are loads of studies that show men are literally dying and killing themselves due to unfair legal, law enforcement, medical, work related, and general societal stresses, including the expectations placed on them and the attrition of support for them. For example, in England this past year there was yet another peak in the relative number of male victims of domestic violence and sexual abuse--a record in the nation. But British pundits for women's rights successfully lobbied the government TO CLOSE THE ONLY support center in the whole nation that specialized in male victims of domestic abuse--a center that was heavily used. Now those men have nowhere to go and many women are rejoicing over this. Here in the US, men are by the boatloads being marginalized out of schools, universities, the workforce, and parenthood. Men are increasingly getting a worse and worse deal and society is largely silent about it. I'm proud to be a woman and I defend women when we are being wronged. But I see far more men being wronged generally today.
The only thing that really matters about the OP's situation, at least as I can see it, is how BOTH people in a relationship feel about these things. That our divorce rate is so high suggests we have some misconceptions about marriage and human nature. I think one of the biggest is thinking other people owe us their beliefs and feelings and thoughts instead of gift us these things. Sometimes.
Sorry for the long spiel. I'm really passionate about protecting men because I don't see many others doing it--not even other men. Hugs. ;)
I understand how you feel because my dad's kinda like that too. Even though he hasn't said it, that's how we feel.
I don't know what to tell you. I kinda think that divorce is a solution but since you have kids, that would be very wrong. When my parents were considering getting divorced, I wasn't affected at all but my brother would cry all the time because of it. So, divorce is devastating for some kids.
We just ignore him sometimes at home cause we kinda don't know how to deal with it when he does things that hurt us... like not being at home for Christmas etc. Maybe you can try that but that's not a good thing to do either cause it can just make you drift apart...
Other than that, we try not to care much about those set backs. (Maybe try doing that). Try going out with him and doing things that he wants. Ever since my dad has been home a bit more, we go out on roadtrips etc together, which has never happened during my childhood.
But yk I kinda found my way around things. He loves me enough to never be violent with me so when he does hurtful things, I hurt him back even more. I once told him that I thought he was gay and that he makes a better couple with his friends than with my mom and that my mom deserves wayyy better than a gay sissy. That's healing for me. Maybe you can give that a try too if yk that he'll never lay a finger on you. But that has its risks too. I once went 2 months without talking to my dad after a fight.
My father never invited friends at home, there is nothing they have to be doing at home, expose your family to strangers or people that would not care for his family or harm it. Drinking friends belong at the bars, game friends belong at the stadium family stays strong when supporting each other!
I am at the ER with my wife my older brother is watching over my new born as in the past I watched over his son and daughter, blood is ticker than water or alcohol, my son comes first mi wife knows it, and for her our son comes first and I know that we both expect for the other to pick our son first, but a friend either hers or mine will never come before my wife or me and that is how it should be.
"For you will leave father and mother and become one flesh " for the reasonable mind there is not one more word to be added to this...
Okay listen.
You sound like a wonderful woman that any man would love to have by his side. However, "Men respond to standards and values."
You are being taken for granted because you never set standards on how you want to be treated.
If you did set those standards then you need to bring them back because when a Man says something like this to his Queen that is 100% disrespectful.
Get the respect back.
Nice one.. thanks I learnt something today!
What do you mean "taken for granted"? The OP didn't say her husband is abusing her explicitly. Why does a husband or wife HAVE TO love the other person more than other people they love (not in a romantic way)?
Since you've capitalized the word "queen," I have an idea where you're coming from. I respectfully disagree. I think these standards being mentioned are outdated and are one reason so many marriages fail. We haven't heard from the husband and how HE wants to be treated. At worst, these two people want very different things. But that doesn't mean either of them is "disrespectful" towards the other.
And feelings change over time. There's absolutely no natural reason anyone should feel obliged to keep feeling some way towards others. The only exception I'd find reasonable is parents towards the children they CHOSE to create. Parents shouldn't get to discard their children. But adults should be free to love whom they want and to experience the evolution of their feelings. Maybe it's marriage and the expectations that accompany it that are unnatural and antiquated.
No disrespect meant. Peace.
Opinion
57Opinion
Your a comfy chair he knows will be waiting for him when he wanders home.
Focus more on you and your kids. Develop your own interests, go out with friends if you can, do things that will make you stronger and more independent if you need to. Gain strength within yourself. Either he will start to realize he might lose you and change or he just won't care.
Wow. How did you marry that? He is not right. He's neglectful and abusive. He has 0 respect for you, and I suggest since he said all of that rubbish, remove yourself out of the house. Do not be surprised if he's cheating on you. As a good few have said, you need to set your boundaries and set the tone and the authority that you are the wife and if he doesn't like it then he should be prepared to give you a divorce then because you are not somebody who deserves to be treated like dirt. And most importantly it's very clear that he had no desire to be married to you, never wanted to be married in the first place, and you wanted to use you for easy sex. There is no love in him.
There's a saying that say "Bro before Hoes" (or a stuff similar) so I guess he's just following it. You can't do anything since it's just the way he's.
There's guys that completely neglect their friends after getting a girlfriend and other who neglect their girlfriend and prefer their friend.
To me it seem he married you cause it make his life easier (you cook, clean, give him free sex when he want, etc...) Why wouldn't he keep you at bay? But you aren't his priority cause he doesn't really love you he just like the fact you make his life easier.
Bros Before Hoes doesn't even apply here. That rule is for teenagers and its purpose is to keep them from fighting each other over girls. Whether or not you want to call a female high school classmate a ho, a WIFE is certainly not just a ho!!!
@Jamie05rhs It's not just for teenager (at least not in my country) and is it definitely used for wife too here.
One of the most common saying where I live is "All women are whore except my mother" and those kind of men do adore their mom and treat them with the biggest respect but they treat their wife as trash most of the time. (while they would kill anybody who dared say a bad word about their mom).
And I'm sorry but with the way the dude act he don't love her he just use her for the advantage he give him.
Like men that cheat on their wife, why do they keep married to them? they obviously have no respect for their wife they just keep married cause of all the advantage they have. Those men do consider their wife as hoe...
@Jamie05rhs They're stupid and this has been going on since many years. I guess they idolize their mother so if they see a girl wearing a short skirt of showing some cleavage then for them she's a "slut".
They only respect their mother and sister (if they have some) but the others they don't.
And yes I'm still wondering why they react like that.
Too when they have a wife they never listen to her they only listen to their mom, take their mom side in everything and treat their wife very poorly they don't even care if their wife are miserable so long as their mother are happy. And those mother usually don't love their daughter in law that much neither.
They don't seem to realize their wife they treat so poorly is the mother of their children...
It's just the way some men are and I think the man the asker married is similar to what I just describer it definitely sound like one of those.
That's so illogical! I don't get that at all. ... Yes, exactly! She is!
For me, personally, I would NEVER, EVER, put my mother above my own wife. Especially since I spent my entire teenage years trying to get away from my mother. Don't get me wrong: I still love my mom, but the last thing I'm going to do is let her control my life in any way whatsoever.
@Jamie05rhs I don't get it either but that's just the way it have been for many many years.
I think it have to do with their mother, like women are know to judge very harshly other women so if they're near their mother maybe they spend tons of time with their mother as child and just heard them critics others women so now they kind of do the same things?
Really? It surprise me every men that I know put their mother first (my father did so too, he put his mother and daughter (me) before his wife which always drive my mother crazy).
Maybe it's some kind of vicious cycle where the mothers develop an unhealthy attachment to their sons because they're not getting enough affection from their husbands.
@Jamie05rhs That's possible, their husband are always away (working or with friends) and so they spend all their time with their sons which in turn make them turn bad since they're so afraid to lose their sons.
Those women are extremely overprotective and possessive towards their sons too so that don't help, they're know to hate all girlfriend their sons bring home but don't care if their sons have one night stand since it aren't serious stuff.
They always want to keep their son close to them.
That's so messed up. Completely twisted and backwards.
@Jamie05rhs Is it, hopefully not everyone is like that and is it in general mother of single son who are this way.
He shouldn't treat you this way at all. I think you should show him how valuable you are. There is a proverb in my culture that says, "one would understand the value of sb/sth only when he/she loses them" I'm not saying directly ask for divorce bc it seems to me that you love your life and don't want to ruin it. but you should give him a hard time. So he will realize your real value and you get the place that you really deserve. In my view your fault is: you were always there for him and that made him to think it's your duty to do that or even worse he never notices this heavy burden. as a result he does not appreciate. If you leave him for a while and he faces all of these things, he would understand that those friends won't be usful or helpful
Now tell us the part you're leaving out, about how you instigated this whole argument and your husband simply wasn't having any of your shit.
Why are you crying on the internet's shoulder? Because your husband knows you're fucking full of it and looking for sympathy you don't deserve.
Anyway, what do you want any of us to do about it? What are we supposed to do for you, sweetheart? Huh?
I say good for your husband for standing up to your bullshit, too bad you're probably going to divorce-rape him, but that's what he gets for getting married.
He shouldn't be. God, self, spouse, rest of family, job, friends- in that order.
That said, the only way to be treated like a doormat is to ALLOW others to walk all over you ) sorry for the bluntness). Claim your rightful position as his spouse and equal- but different- partner.
Nah. Spouse comes before self.
@Jamie05rhs I see what you mean, but if you aren't taking care of yourself first, how can you take care of others? Yes, from time-to-time we have to put our issues on the back burner to help others as the occasion arises, but I think we need to help ourselves to be able to help others.
@Massageman I'm not talking about self care. I'm talking about priorities.
Well, easy, you're 18-24, and you've given him everything a man wants. You're the trophy wife, and easy to take for granted. It's easy, have you washed dished by hand, and then got a dishwasher? You forget all about the time and energy that dishwasher saves after a few months. Just start a load of laundry, start giving him head, tease it out until the buzzer goes off, and, the laundry is more important. You need to become a person again instead of an object or utility to be taken for granted.
Sorry that you married such an asshole. However, you are the one that made that choice. When he said his friends are more important than you, what did you do? Did you kick up a fuss and threaten to leave him with your kids or did you just keep silent and tolerate this bs?
Your husband took you for granted because you allowed him to treat you like that. If you want him to treat you good, then let it be known and demand for it. Never settle for second best or compromise.
Sounds like he takes you for granted. Call him out. Tell him to have his friends come over and cook for you! Wash your cloths for you and give you their asses so he can sodomize them.
Girl dont cook for him treat him like the dog that he is until he resents his words and realizes his mistake.
Your husband is the one of the luckiest husband to get u as his wife. .. . But trust me he just need everything frm you but in return he could give sadness and hurting. .. You may look for a job and be self sufficient to look after your child. .. Talk with your parents else u can just ignore those and never give anything what your husband wants and do the same that he does to u
He’s not ready to be a husband then. You should leave for a vacation and see how he feels with all that work. If he still doesn’t appreciate you, then go get marriage counseling. If he won’t go to marriage counseling, then leave him. He sounds awful.
You can bring up making a will and tell him that you'll leave all the money or valuable things you have to the children only. Another thing you can do, is tell him that if he dies before you... You will donate his body to science or something he wouldn't want to happen to his body if he were to pass. When he gets upset, confront him on your woe. Tell him the same hurt and angry feeling he is experiencing is how you felt when he put his friends before his family.
Your friends and your relationships are different sure you gave him everything and in all honesty probably doesn't deserve it but you have to accept that friends can do stuff for him you can't and you can definitely do stuff they can't but you have to consider he said this in a moment of weakness or anger and if not don't take it too hard
What can a friend to that I can’t? Many relationships start out as being friends and then developing into a relationship. There’s nothing a friend can do that I can't do
He probably doesn't deserve you but can you drink beers with his other friends comparing sex without getting offended or cringy can you enjoy his favorite sports team I don't him or you so I csnt tell you what his friends can do that you can't but trust me there's at least one thing but he shouldn't have said that I'm just saying there are things
Take a vacay and leave the house to him.
See how his friends will help him cook, wash dishes, babysitting etc.
Honestly, I feel like the point that kind of guy gets married is to get free maid called "wife".
He is absolutly not right for saying that. You are his wife and the mother of his chldren so you should take top priority over his friends. If he said that, it needs to be addressed with him because honestly, he needs to take responsibility and realize life isn't all about your friends, he's got a family to feed and a wife to take care of.
I get the general impression that you're wrapped around his finger. It's cruel to say that his friends are more important, and the union of marriage should mean more to him.
What gives you the impression I’m wrapped around his finger?
Yeah but I love him so yeah I’m gonna have sex with him he’s my husband?
Well if you don't mind it, that's fine. I think any man would appreciate that, but your husband doesn't seem to appreciate you as much as he should. That's just my opinion.
Is he the type of person to put others before himself? If so, I may change my opinion, however, I don't know his point of view since I am only talking to you.
He's an idiot to openly say that and for you to believe it ! What is he going to do when he needs help with his laundry and can't find a pair of underwear ! Call his buddies to handle it? Right their going through say go without or you should have thought about that before they were all dirty ! Point is friends are friends and a lifetime partner is quite a bit more than a friend !
Unlike his friends that he has a relationship with, it seems like you may have painted yourself into a corner of only being his nanny, maid and prostitute.
LOL whatever you say love
I'm just offering some advice that may resonate as in the description you give of your marriage, you never once spoke of being a confidant, a friend, a sounding board to his problems or the like.
Just because I never said that doesn’t mean I’ve never done those things, im not going to tell people my whole life story they don’t have time to read an essay. Calling someone a prostitute isn’t advice and I don’t need or want your advice hun. Off ya hop
There’s plenty of other people here that have given me helpful advice I ain’t asking you to keep talking I dont care what you think love
Interesting. After scrolling through the other comments I've found guys who just want to praise you, guys saying your hubby has problems and those who call you a bitch. Which advice have you found most helpful? I'm leaning towards the bitch comments.
Awww it’s so nice to see you actually took time to read all my comments, thanks so much because that just shows me what a retarded ass person you are. Get a life boo stop being obsessed with me loser
HERE’S A COMMENT THAT WAS HELPFUL TO ME “He shouldn't treat you this way at all. I think you should show him how valuable you are. There is a proverb in my culture that says, "one would understand the value of sb/sth only when he/she loses them" I'm not saying directly ask for divorce bc it seems to me that you love your life and don't want to ruin it. but you should give him a hard time. So he will realize your real value and you get the place that you really deserve. In my view your fault is: you were always there for him and that made him to think it's your duty to do that or even worse he never notices this heavy burden. as a result he does not appreciate. If you leave him for a while and he faces all of these things, he would understand that those friends won't be usful or helpful”
HERE’S ANOTHER HELPFUL COMMENT “Your husband is the one of the luckiest husband to get u as his wife. .. . But trust me he just need everything frm you but in return he could give sadness and hurting. .. You may look for a job and be self sufficient to look after your child. .. Talk with your parents else u can just ignore those and never give anything what your husband wants and do the same that he does to u
AND ANOTHER HELPFUL COMMENT “You sound like a great wife... you deserve better. Anyway, you have your children, be happy with them.”
Looks like you played yourself because CLEARLY I did get helpful comments and I proved you wrong hahaha
you poor soul. I'll pray for you.
Yeah that’s what I thought 🤪
He's WRONG. Absolutely 100% WRONG.
When you marry someone, they become your new family. They become your partner and your best friend for life. They become your #1 priority and you owe them your loyalty over anyone or anything else.
Your husband is trippin'. He's got it WAY twisted. He needs an attitude adjustment.
Wow, I would tell him that from now on he can have his friends wash his clothes and he can have sex with them. You're done playing 2nd fiddle to his drunken sot friends.
Wife in his Life? You sound More like his House Mate and House Maid, This Major Jerk. If he is Putting his Friends First? I could SAY MORE... xx
stop being his maid and start being his wife ! either he helps you with the stuff or it does not get done ! if he does not like it then either leave him or be his maid and keep things just as they are ! Thanks
I don't understand why you are asking "is he right?" I'm sure you think you "should be" more important to him than his friends. But do you think there's something wrong with his HEAD for thinking that? Sounds like there is to me.
u You married the wrong man.
Ask him to rethink his answer before sex, bj, etc. Sounds like you might have made a poor choice in a life partner unfortunately. 18-24 is a tough age to have this starting already. Wait until you hit middle age and beyond.
Because he early don't love you why did u marry him sorry
Oh I would drop him immediately. I'm sorry, that's such a rude thing to say. How entitled he is.
ha try taking all these privileges away from him and if he complains tell him to have his friends do it, its childish but well deserved and funny 😂
Sorry to tell you this but your husband is an asshole. If I were you, I would take the kids and leave him! You're not his sex-doll and private cleaning woman, you're his wife. You deserve some who treats you good.
Men are closeted gays. If they could fuck their friends, they would. That’s why they often joke with each other using “no homo,” but we all know a joke has truth in it.
Anyway, it’s normal, so don’t feel bad.
He's right u know, if the bond is real between you and your friend, no women will ever come first. cuz they are not friends anymore then, they are family
Disregard what is said... and pay attention to what is done. If he treats you well then none of that matters (only to your ego).
Bros before hos
Dicks before chicks
Pals before gals
Brovaries before ovaries
Men before hen
No, he's not right for saying it. He should be able to have friends, but the person we're married to should always matter more. If it's not that way then it's not ok.
One day if he got locked in jail he will realise all friend will disappear... and the only one left and still keep come visit just wife...
Ask him if his friends would have his babies and do the things that you do for him!
I bet he won’t say that if you hold sex from him for one week.
I think he made himself clear, why are you still there?
Sit with your husband, have a talk about it, say whatever is in your mind and sort things out. Just set your standards
Wow that's messed up you and your kids should be his #1 priority!
No, totally wrong. The guy has issues, be careful. You should always be his best friend and confident
No, that's fucked up, especially since from your description you are a very loyal wife.
You were probably being bitchy at the time so he said it out of anger. I don't think your husband would ever put friends before family
How you gonna assume I was being bitchy? Do you live in my house? do you know me? Do you hear me and my hubbys conversations? Do you know my husband? Without knowing that you can’t give that opinion. Nice try though
Why would he tell you that his friends are more important than you out of no where? Sorry to dissapoint you but you and your husband are not a unique couple and your fights are the same as every other couple's. You gave him a hard time about him hanging out with his friends and he had a burst out
@Asker Wait a sec, if @Morrowlow can't make an informed comment because he doesn't know all what's going on in your home or hear the CONVERSATIONS between you and your husband, how can any of us make an informed comment hearing ONLY what you say? Sorry, it sounds like you're looking for others to confirm your own opinion on the matter. Not trying to be a b*tch here.
How about you mind your own business? Ain’t nobody talking to you so I don’t need you to type essays byee
You give him sex anytime he wants and he still thinks his friends are better?
He's gay.
@Juxtapose Dude, really? Homophobia in the 21st century? That's so not cool. A straight man can honestly prefer being around other straight men than his girlfriend or even his wife. To suggest otherwise is beyond reason--like all human beings must feel the same. Wow.
No he is not right for saying that. he doesn't love u
Was this in an argument? People say dumb things during arguments.
Right or wrong is subjective. Now you know where you stand
Will if you take what you've seen and read about cannibalism from the media out of the equation what is technically wrong about it?
Huh, i was not expecting intelectual concistancy there.
To go into the problems. First, humans are very unhealthy to eat, obesity and related complications, chemicals, i would assume at least westen people's diets yould make them taste bad. Then there are instincts that tell us that canibalism is bad, from killing to eating human meat. A teacher of mine's sibling was once unknowingly fed human meat and had to get their stomach pumped because of it. The basic laws of survival.
So clearly those instincts are inconsistent or else cannibalism wouldn't exist at all. Second point is that if you look at it from a survival perspective, I think each and every one of us on this planet would do it if we had no other option.
All the reasons that we could agree or disagree on in terms of cannibalism being right or wrong fall under social constructs and moral compasses. Much like everything else in this world. Just because you are I wouldn't do it doesn't make it wrong. Even if 1 billion people on this planet would do it doesn't make it right.
Instincts can be overwritten and that is the case with canibalism. Just like a normal person doesn't commit suicide or harm themselves even if they have intent to but once that instinct is broken it is dificult to put back. Instincts say dont eat your neighbours so it is wrong to eat your neighbours.
That proves my point that it falls within a moral compass. If you had to, you would
Just because you can override your instincts doesn't mean you should, your instincts exist for a reason, to prolong your life and pass your genes. Morality is not whats right and wrong morality is the tiny grey area of things that are right but you personally dislike it. Right and wrong is natural and you are born with it.
That's called a moral compass.
Which can change over time because its influenced by social constructs.
You can use any example you want. Doesn't matter. Back to the original question: is it right or wrong that he doesn't prioritize his wife? Who's to say. His instinct says its ok. She doesn't necessarily agree. He's not wrong; neither is she. They need to work it out. That simple. If their moral compasses are similar, they will.
To say your wife is your #1 priority is a social construct. Especially without knowing the circumstances.
That's my opinion. You can have yours too. They don't have to be the same either.
On that note, we're done here
THANK YOU! There are actually commenters here suggesting something is inherently wrong with the husband because of his FEELINGS! If the wife recognizes she can't live with the husband as he is and has respectfully shared this with him but he can't or won't change, then she has a choice to make. This isn't about "right or wrong." It's about the chance we all take on a contract that the other party will want to change the terms.
@AiahZ no, im saying right and rong is objective, like killing someone, or being charitable. Morality is in the right side just on the edge of being wrong. To visualive it draw a line and divide it in two and lable right and wrong on each side, not go on the right side and devide it into three. Starting on the farthest from the wrong side put right, good, morality. Morality is entirely in the right side. If there is something stolen, broken, or someone injured it is in the wrong. Morality is right but some people dont like it.
I'm willing to bet he wanted to go out one night with his friends and you're blowing it out of proportion.
He goes out every night with his friends and I don’t have a problem with it. This ain’t got anything to do with going out.
That it is why it is very important that everyone is financially independent
How old are you?
I have money, did I say I don’t have money? What’s that got to do with my question, money isn’t a problem and its not got anything to do with my question
Why are you with such an asshole then? Do the same thing. If the fucktard think, his friends are more important, dont care about. Only have sex with him for yourself but dont spend any time with him, ignore him
Tell him he can go get married to his homies then, you deserve so much better
My husband for 8 years he treat me like shit and he either treat and talk his friends so nice then he snap on me for no reason. Give me feedback what do I'm very of the shit.
You sound like a great wife... you deserve better. Anyway, you have your children, be happy with them.
Well he is disrespectful think u need some time with someone that will worship you babe xx
He ain't a husband.. he's an ass!
Sounds like you’re not being appreciated. Sounds like he’s trying to have his cake and fck you over.
Because he is thinking about them instead of you he was using you for his pleasure
your husband is too stupid to realize that honesty is not the best policy
he take you granted if you accept life turn horrible stand for yourself
Do you yell at him for stupid shit? But iv been fucked over by so many women id say the same thing
Well, if it's really how you paint it then you're not good at picking men.
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