Dating for three years and still nothing, no ring? Any advice?

Question

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years now. I love him very much and vice versa. We have a wonderful relationship and he strives to make me happy whenever possible. We have come from extremely similar hardships, core value, and beliefs. We compliment each other perfectly. We've been talking about marriage seriously here and there. I have made it very clear that I want marriage out of this relationship with him and I don't want to take forever to get married as I still want to have more children (We both have kids from past relationships). I love him dearly and truly want a life with only him. So yesterday he gave me a small black box... and it was an earring and necklace set. It was stunningly beautiful but not a ring. I'm very grateful for all that he gives me and never complain about gifts because he always gifts so well. Just wondering now if this is taunting me kicks now. I feel hurt because he had the biggest smile I ever seen on his face. My heart is searching for answers like maybe he just wanted to make me happy with beautiful things... I dont believe he'd hurt me on purpose. I feel like I have been a perfect girlfriend... praying for him, helping him whenever he needs it, I give him plenty of space and time to himself and friends, always encouraging, and concerned for his happiness and wellbeing. I'm feeling defeated, just looking for advice and encouragement.

LesterJester · Accepted Answer

After my parents divorced, my father eventually remarried and my mom found a new guy but never remarried. All four of them came from past marriages yet all seem more happier now than when I was growing up.

My mom and her boyfriend both agreed that they would never remarry due to very rough divorces and are perfectly happy as they are now. They've been together for around, geez, 16, 18 or so years now?

You said you want to get married and have more kids. You noted you have kids from a past relationship, but didn't clarify if you were every married before or went through a divorce before.

Divorces can and do have a huge impact on someone. It was very rough for my dad as it was my mom who made the decision and set in her ways. Her and her lawyer were brutal and tried to go for everything they possibly could. My dad didn't see it coming at all and wanted to just end it quickly, fairly and go their separate ways, but my mom's lawyer argued she could be left at a disadvantage, etc. I hold no resentment towards either of my parents or the decisions they made. This was their relationship and their problems to sort out.

But in most cases, it's usually the guys who end up with the short straw and it's the guys who take the brunt of the divorce. Not always, but more often than not.

In saying all of that, it sounds to me like your guy went through some heavy shit from the divorce. He no doubt thought that marriage would have worked out for the long haul and that he really loved his ex (you don't marry otherwise) but shit happened.

At this very moment, you and he have a great thing going and both of you sound really happy together, so he doesn't want to rock the boat, fuck it all up and possibly end up going through yet another divorce again, losing what you both have now.

It's not exactly logical and you're not his ex, but again, he no doubt thought things would work out last time and they didn't. That puts doubt in one's ability to make decisions like that again.

But he may not want to tell you all this because he's worried that you might take it personally that you're doing something wrong, or that he's a failure, or maybe can't get the right words out right to explain, or even the notion that his ex is still affecting your relationship could be an issue. (failure)

Regardless, the only way this will be resolved is by sitting down and discussing this with him directly. Be warned that you should avoid accusations or blaming anyone or fighting of any kind, because that's when guys close up and our brains stop getting the thoughts into words. We suck like that. If we go some time without answering, it's not that we're trying to figure out a lie, it's us trying to get the words and meaning out correctly over the emotions. We need to think. Otherwise we blurt out shit cuz we're defensive, and fuck everything up.

ManolisP · Accepted Answer

I was in a relationship for 3 years and 3 months. Like you i was telling my girlfriend ofte how much i loved her, giving her gifts and providing everything in general. She was working so i was paying. We were talking about marriage since our 1.5 year together and i was often reassuring her that i will propose and i am jist waiting for the proper moment, since i believe that moment is our cool moment. I also wanted to get her a beautiful expensive ring, because she said she didn't want anything cheap. In the end, when i proposed, she confessed she cheated on me a couple of months ago, and even blamed me i was late to propose. The last period of the relationship she was treating me like crap but i wanted to ignore the signs and i was blaming myself that im not good enough etc. I wanted to make her happy, while she gave up on us. Used A LOT of my money, with no shame, cheated on me and treated me like an idiot. Of course i hope you are not like that. My point is, please appreciate this amazing boyfriend and be patient, if you really want marriage maybe talk to him about it in a more serious conversation, and maybe try to work as well so you can gather money too if you aren't! We get stressed and we try to provide everything for you, its true! So please, before giving up, think and love!

williael · Accepted Answer

When I read your question, I thought I was reading about myself.
I was where you are, about 5 years ago. We talked about marriage. We loved each other. He had been married once, I'd been married twice. We are Christians who don't live together. He made some (what I call) false proposals, and they hurt me. The biggest difference is that I have never issued him an ultimatum such as a deadline or a date. Someone had done that to him before, and he responded by planning a trip for the two of them and buying a ring. Then he had an unexpected life crisis and she said she couldn't wait any longer and she dumped him and married someone else within 3 months.
Since the only thing that sounds like it's missing in your relationship is marriage, I encourage you to stay with him.
It took my man three years to trust me. Three years was a turning point. If I had moved on, i would have missed the best thing that ever happened to me. I have stayed with him for 8 years now. We are still not married. He has good reasons for this, and he has heen honest about them all the way. But guess what? I am more in love with him now than I was when I obsessed over marriage. I realized (having been married twice before) that what we have is deeper than I had with either of my ex-husbands. And I am thankful we did not get married after one year, two years, three years, because I NEEDED TO CHANGE from who I was in the two failed marriages. I truly believe that we are going to marry one day, and that the marriage will be on a rock-solid foundation because of the 8-year (and counting ) test of the relationship we have undergone together. Because of the test, I know what love is now. I know---and he knows--just how real and strong this connection is. I know it's for life, whether we ever get married or not. I am committed to him. I made a choice to love him exactly as if I were his wife, because my life is so enriched with him in it, and I know I enrich his life too. I trust him even though I see his flaws clearly and we have our struggles.

Your man might, like mine, have abandonment issues. He might have sexual issues, though, and that is a different ballgame. Do not assume that the reason you do not have sex is because of the Christianity. Even a good Christian man is going to have normal desire for sex, and find sex with you a temptation he has to fight off constantly. I'd be suspicious if he's not making any attempt to make love to you, purity vow or not. If he is not pushing these limits occasionally, I would NOT encourage you to stay. But other than that, find out why he is not marrying you, and if you respect AND accept those reasons, stay. Time is on your side.

AiahZ · Accepted Answer

If your boyfriend isn't ready to propose, then there is little someone else can or SHOULD do about it. Coercing others to act as we want them to--whether overtly or subtly--very often backfires as people eventually are likely to revisit the reason they wanted to act differently. It's also not respectful of others' prerogatives and freedom. The only person you have (or should have) control over is yourself. You say your boyfriend makes you very happy. Then you're already very lucky. If, however, marriage is more important to you, then consider sharing this openly and respectfully with your partner or choosing another relationship (or to be single).

I don't mean at all to come off as unhelpful or mean, but the US is already an exceptionally religious nation relative to other developed nations. Yet we have a high divorce rate. I'm sure you will have a very happy marriage, but that many Americans are religious hasn't prevented many divorces--and divorce is extremely risky for men in particular. I can understand why fewer and fewer men want to get married. They risk losing their homes, their earnings, their children (if they have them), community support, and even their freedom if they cannot earn enough to satisfy court mandated payments to their ex-wife and children. Again, that's not meant to be negative or hurtful. It's a statistical truth men in particular have to bear. Love can change quickly. Legal responsibilities from marriage and fatherhood can last a lifetime.

Best of luck to you both.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

if you have a truly wonderful relationship that is now 3 years old, you should be able to discuss such a problem with him openly. If you are hesitating to have a direct discussion with him, perhaps there are problems which you have not yet identified.

btbc92 · Answer

You better talk about it before you have to cut him out. Speak up and tell him what you want, because men are not mind readers. This is been forb3 years and thus is definitely a concern otherwise it's a waste of three years. He needs to be consistent with you as you to him. If other people want to live in a sinful lifestyle let them live it. But you obviously made it very clear that you wouldn't live your life spiritually, and is seeking to please God by doing Godly things. Don't worry about people who do not share your values they will never fully understand that. As a fellow sister in Christ I employ you to have a serious talk with him in stop constantly catering to somebody who may not be putting as much effort as you are. Don't allow yourself to be discouraged because he's the one that has to show that he wants to be with you. If you got to pull yourself back from the investment then do what you got to do. Don't settle for less because it sounds like to me he's not taking this very seriously.

razelove · Answer

I've dated for longer without getting married because I was burned in a previous relationship. That could be where he's at. I would imagine that your divorce was not a happy and fun-filled process.

How often does he get to see his children? It sounds like you live together, is that with your children and his, or yours?

The chances of both of you being widow/widower at your age are vanishingly small.

He is expressing love towards you, and you towards him from what you're saying. Why not express your questions to him, and be clear that there are no wrong answers, you just desperately need answers, and how important it is to you. Whether it is because of your faith, sense of security, stability in the household, whatever.

Again, try to see if through his eyes. If he has kids he is only seeing on the weekends, your family as his family all week, how appealing would the prospect of marriage be when the weight of it is the possibility of yet another weekend family, and losing you and yours altogether?

Before you say you're not that type of woman, I'm sure your ex-husband was not that type of man before you got divorced. So think about it, calm down. Talk about it.

Anonymous · Answer

Lmao sorry I don't mean to laugh but I'm sort of like him. I been dating my girl for a few years now the only reason I haven't proposed is because I'm to chicken shit to lol 😆 I know I shouldn't laugh but I already bought her engagement ring last year and recently I been thinking about moving out to her home state which I'm terrified of doing because prices where she is are astronomically high and I really really suck at working for other people always getting laid off which is why I work for myself. The pay is ok not the greatest but I'm not being micromanaged and I don't have to deal with customers face to face and I don't have to work extreme hours for shit money and I feel more rewarded working for myself than I ever did working for somebody else. But like I said my income wouldn't be nearly enough to live and fully support myself out there where she lives which is why I been dreading on moving out there and like I said I really suck at working for other people. Recently I been looking into buying an RV/motorhome into solving some of those problems. I know it may sound a little embarrassing but it's better than living on the street and it's a place I would fully own and not dish out hundreds of dollars even thousands of dollars every month to some property manager who owns an apartment complex just to make that person or company rich off my hard earned money. But getting back to the original question it's because I'm to chicken shit to pop the question to ask her for marriage

lightbulb27 · Answer

Well, maybe need to sit down and talk about what the hangups are. If this is 2nd time around, there is the fear and memories of the past, valid or not. And there may be concerns about this relationship that are legit. "I love him very much" can turn into terrible suffering.

I was once in a similar scenario... relationship had some good in it, a lot of pain in it, difficulty... I eventually ended it... that was 4 years. Not good... should have ended sooner. Christians as well... not to compare, each is different. Some people have a hard time "committing". Now that the steam is out of the relationship, can talk at a human level, maybe talk about what is good and build on that.

RichiChan · Answer

Feeling like you haven't had an important need regarded hurts, and I'm sorry you're in this space. With this being said, 3 years really isn't an awful lot and I think you run the risk of putting the cart before the horse.

You both love each other dearly, enjoy the relationship and time you have with one another as opposed to obsessing over tying the knot. That time will come, but it's a massive commitment and if you put him in a space where he's being pressured to do this before he's ready you run the risk of ruining what you guys have, and a civil union really isn't worth that.

DorkVader · Answer

3 years is a long time for a relationship where both people have marriage as an end goal. I wanted, people spend they whole life waiting for the perfect moment, when whatever moment they ask IS the perfect moment.

I think y'all need to have a talk, especially if he gonna be giving you the wrong jewelry

Realistic07 · Answer

Maybe it’s time to talk with him and let him know how you feel. Honestly you holding back may be why he’s unsure and unfortunately we as guys sometimes miss important things and need a good woman to let us know. I understand you want him to do it on his own, but hard headed is hard headed.

My advice talk with him.

Paris13 · Answer

It is Obvious he is Comfy and Cozy like a Fat Cat at That, An dis no Hurry to Change what he feels Is.. PUR-FECT. 
 You need to sit him Down, No Frown, Let him know you are very Serious in the New Year, Dear, And to Decide if he really wishes to Take that Bonding Ride. It is for Better or Worse Now Somehow, No Pussyfooting around, You bio clock is Clicking Down. And he needs to Stop Barking up the Wrong Tree with his Gifts of Giving that don't really signify a Ring or Anything. He is a Avoiding the Big "M" word. xx

nella965 · Answer

I think you know what the obvious answer is. You need to sit down and have a talk with him. Why doesn't he want to get married as of now? You need to realize that you can't pressure a man to marry you. Its not only you who should want it. He needs to feel right about it too. And if he's not proposing then obviously he doesn't want to marry you. Not amount of desperate begging will do the trick. If he needs an extra year to think about it then give him more time. 3 years is not a lot of time to get to know each other. I am not sure but I also have a feeling you're extremely desperate while he isn't.

Madkeyra00 · Answer

I think you should tell him how you feel. I think you should tell him exactly what you are feeling and what you want. I think what you wrote here on this site you should tell your boyfriend. Communication is key in every relationship. It's not what you say is how you say it. He has to know how you are feeling. If you want to marry this man you have to be honest with him. You have to be on the same page. You have to feel you can tell him anything. Talk to him as you expressed yourself here. He's the only that can give you the answers you need and want. Good Luck. I hope it works out for the best for you and him.

Daniela1982 · Answer

If kit hasn't happened by now it is looking a bit grim that it may never happen. The question is, how much more time are you going to put in before you realize that you are beating a dead horse? I guess the best thing to do is sit down with him for a face to face. Say to him what you said here because he is the one that you need to hear from, not us. Tell him if he can't commit you question whether you want to continue in a dead end relationship ( marriage wise). My main question is that if everything is going great, not counting not having a ring, why are you so adamant that you want to be married? Is it that big of a deal breaker? Tell him you will sign a pre nup if it would help. What you got to do is either shit or get off the pot.

DizzyDesii · Answer

I personally wouldn't date anyone longer than 2 years with no ring, especially when 21+. I’d be disappointed to receive a ring shaped box with no ring. I hate that move and the bend down on a knee to tie the shoe. Maybe give it a few more months then speak up about it

broken_heart_at_48 · Answer

You don't want to rush marriage. If he's not ready then you pressuring him into marriage will be something you're likely to regret. I understand the reason for you feeling like the clock is ticking, but if you both aren't sure then it might not be a marriage that will last. You never truly know someone else's heart. He might just be a very giving and loving person and you're mistaking his personality for him being madly in love with you. He might just be a passionate person. Do some self reflection a lot of times we project our feelings onto our partners and don't stop to really see that they might not feel the same it's just us wanting it so bad that we misread their actions or flat out fool ourselves into believing whatever we want to believe.

httpbreak · Answer

Your timeline is not the same as his!

If you value having a ring on your finger & babies over your own boyfriend's happiness than you are in the wrong relationship!

If he makes you happy kids & marriage will come in time for those who are patient. If you rush at things you will have resentment towards them & the whole idea of love.

Live your lives a mile at a time. If you two love each other & live exactly how you put in this question then that is TRUE LOVE.

Marrage & Kids can be a messy sometimes even a hateful/regretful life event. Do it when you are both ready!

chickenneck75 · Answer

If your relationship is good other than that I'd keep on keeping on like it is , marriage is way over blown and I don't know what it does but it changes things real quick from good to bad after the honey moon

Anonymous · Answer

3 years isn't that long when it comes to marriage honestly. Some relationship "experts" (therapists etc) say it should be at least 5 years. Having said that, you made your "expectations" known, do you know his? You may feel it's been long enough, but maybe not for him? Also, if you feel it's time, why don't you ask him? Or at least talk to him about it now? He's not purposely "taunting" you. You are taunting you. My advice, you ask him (nothing wrong with that), or bring up the subject again and see how he feels. Tell him you feel ready, what does he think?

LoU_Hades · Answer

Enjoy the time and the gifts he gives you.
Marriage means nothing as long as all the promises aren't more worth than warm breath. Happy relationship is what brings mutual joy. If you're willing to sabotage your relationship just because he doesn't want to give you a ring, is your guy very likely right in his decision to avoid marriage with you.

tzdc21 · Answer

You do understand the marriage laws are against men right? That's why many men are hesitant and reluctant to marry. And on top of that, over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. 80 percent of them are initiated by the woman. That doesn't help matters either. There is literally no benefit a man can get from marriage that he can already get in a regular relationship, but there's PLENTY of negatives he can receive in a marriage if you one day decide that you're just not feeling it anymore.

yucychan · Answer

Just curious. When you mentioned that you and him were talking about marriage, what was his reaction? Was he yay or nay?
I understand that you want a marriage very much but does he feel the same?
If you want him to propose, he has to want it as well. So, does he?

Dating for three years and still nothing, no ring? Any advice?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Dating for three years and still nothing, no ring? Any advice?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.