What are your thoughts on an, ''open marriage'' & ''ethical monogamy''?

Question

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Two things. First the data is pretty clear, marriage even now works best. Though in decline, it has not been replaced by any viable alternative. "Open marriages" usually setting the stage for conflict between spouses. This in turn, interestingly, working in evolutionary terms to the advantage of the male. In this, interestingly, marriage exists to protect women.

Okay, truth in advertising, my girlfriend and I have lived together for about 15 years now and have three children together. (I have an older son with a woman I had a one night stand with about 20 years ago. I only learned about my son two years ago. While I don't have a very deep relationship with that son's mother, she introduced me to my son and I have built, I hope, a good relationship with him and between him and his siblings.) So in that sense I am living a sort of "open marriage" with "ethical monogamy.

My girlfriend and I love each other deeply and we just don't want to be married. We've talked about it, but we just feel that in some strange way what we have would be cheapened - or at least not made better - by an expensive ring, a big ceremony, and a permission slip from the state. (To be sure, we take the religious side somewhat more seriously and we are a bit more conflicted.) What we share is natural, instinctive and beautiful. To be sure, we had our wild early days, but we love each other and it works.

That all said, marriage helps to institutionalize in law and custom the relationship between a man and a woman and reinforce it. This having its roots in basic human anthropology and biology.

In evolutionary terms, the human male's instinct is to spread his sperm and make as many babies as possible, thereby, in evolutionary terms, asserting his dominance among other males. The human female, on the other hand, can only carry one baby - twins and the like sometimes occurring but in nature, most of the time, multiple births resulted in dead children - and must then be able to feed and protect her baby. This requiring enormous expenditures of time and energy and leaving the mother - again, in evolutionary terms - vulnerable.

Put it all together, then, the idea is that marriage binds the male to the female through reinforcing social and cultural institutions. In evolutionary terms, it keeps the male around to protect mother and baby, find food and ward off rival males and predators.

Of course, as technology and society have advanced, some of this has fallen by the wayside. Also, males, as they have evolved, tend to live longer when they are monogamous. Turns out that the stability of married life, on the whole, conduces to a longer life for males. This then why marriage has endured.

Indeed, it is noteworthy that has marriage has declined, the birthrate has declined, and now the lifespan of males and females is beginning to stagnate. (See also the demographic aging of the population - particularly in the Western world.) So marriage does lots of good things, has stood the test of time, and should not be wantonly tossed away.

Having said all that, again, my girlfriend and I have found something that works for us. It is real and intense. I love her and need her with all my heart and I love the three little gifts she has given me. Gifts that run up to me when I get home shouting "DADDYYYYY!!!"

CONT.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

What is the goal in getting married if you are not intending to be faithful and monogamous?

If you want to continue having sex with other people, then follow your passion, but why complicate that with being married? For me, one of the problems with an "open marriage" is that jealousy would become an issue, most likely for both of us; I think that is true for most married couples. There is also the possibility of getting someone other than your wife pregnant (I hate using condoms and trusting someone else to be using an effective form of birth control.)

Ez-Bri-Z · Accepted Answer

I'm in a poly marriage myself and it works for us. We still love each other completely, we have great communication and depending on who one of us is seeing, there is always the possibility of just becoming trio instead of just one of us dating someone else.

PadyFrogette · Accepted Answer

A marriage contract is between a guy and a girl, what rules they decide is up to them, if they decide that the girl gan screw around and the guy has to remain monogamous, that is their choice.
Their rules, Their marriage.
Good luck to them

WhatTheHeckkkk · Answer

I wouldn’t do it and I don’t know how people can do it… Butit’s not my life, not my business lol.

Anonymous · Answer

I have a big heart full of love, for one special woman. I do what's best for me, monogamy. Another dude lays hands on my girl he's going to be having seriously long-term health consequences. I dont play well with others. Most poly relationships dont last actually. They burn out of the course of a few short years, consistently. While monogamy some burn out that way but most last much longer or forever. It also imho gives a bad message for both genders. On the one hand you have the guy, who is sharing one girl. He is seen as spineless (and is in doing this). He can't get one girl to commit and stay with him and satisfy her. He needs to allow other bucks in to help please her enough while trying to maintain relations with her. It's hard to watch. On the other hand you have one guy with multiple women. He basically has them all to himself like they are his personal slabs of meat. To me in both cases the one getting the short end looks weak to me and if my mother was in a poly relation I would ghost her from my life soon as I could. If it was my dad its like on the one hand, mad respect you go multiple women to commit to you, but also totally F'd up that you are treating them more like objects. He would not be seeing his grandkids. I'd only MAYBE come around him while I was single, not with a girlfriend or married and not with my kids. Soon as I start my family he might just be able to get my by text message or something

Adam1978 · Answer

It's not a marriage, if you want to sleep around don't messy with terms that doesn't belong together. Just stay single. Because you clearly don't want to build and focus on a relationship. You want to stability of marriage but freedom of single life and that doesn't work with real men. It should be a big fucking no for anyone involved. Only weak partners accept it.

MrKinktastic · Answer

I’m in a triad situation and it works great for us. I’ve been with the same woman in a poly relationship for the past 4 years and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Love doesn’t have to be possession, just truly wanting the best for each other and working as a team.

Plus three income households rock!

Qdbrown · Answer

You can lust for many, but you can only truly love person the deepest level.

If there are many, that deep love is not there, and I don't care what the poly types say because love cannot be quantifiable. Anyone can claim anything.

When I meet people who are poly, they have just confirmed to me that they are still interested in dating, recreation and long-term partners to keep the excitement alive. That ain't love.

lightbulb27 · Answer

sounds really messed up to me and I don't think about it any more than that. Maybe it works for some whom I suspect harbor intimacy wounds, or maybe they are more secure than others.

how open anyways? Why not get married to everyone else on earth so you can all just live wherever you want and do what you want? Someone has a baby... you all support the baby. one giant happy family of humanity. it can all work if you address the emotions...

Luopio27 · Answer

If thats your way of life, there is nothing I will say against it as long as there is no one playing with other peoples feelings.

Pornstars are great exsmples of this. They might even be married but still handle the open sex relationship like pros.

Anonymous · Answer

50 years ago even 20 years ago this would be completely out of the question. There has been underground swinger parties (actually been to one). Some people have “agreed upon” freedoms. But the fact this now a common and acceptable way to go about things pretty makes marriage valuable in name only.

I’ve been hit on by married women before. Some of them were hot too. But it’s a line I just don’t cross.

Heartache0405 · Answer

Not a fan. Marriage isn't meant to be between more than two people. Thats how it's always been, that's how it always should be. If things changed to allow such a thing, I would NEVER marry. I already don't plan to marry anyway.

bamesjond0069 · Answer

If there are multiple men involved thats just sick and dysfunctional. Clearly not going to work long term unless they are gay men.

If its just a man with more than one woman that does work well actually and has been around a very long time. This is what we do. I have one long term serious girlfriend and i have had another as well. Works out amazing for all of us.

JCrockett · Answer

Disaster waiting to happen.

The way human intimacy works, the stronger a bond gets, the more exclusive it gets. That means that in any polyamorous relationship, either no one is truly happy, or someone eventually gets shafted.

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

That's disgusting and a huge sin. You know why don't you become a poligamist go live in Utah get into that religion where man are allowed to have 5 wife's. You are a poligamist not open marriage.

RationalMale · Answer

I know a couple trying this! The girl then went and excitedly had two hookups.

The guy then lined up a drinks date and the girl was heartbroken and upset.

Like communism, it's great in theory and poor in reality.

Drooogie4 · Answer

As long as everyone involved is happy, I don't see an issue. Definitely not for me though.

Wester1967 · Answer

Why be married then? I mean. Are you seriously that desperate? Can't you keep your g-dam zipper zipped or what? Go do it if you want but do not expect me to take you seriously.

Miristheiss · Answer

I'd never have an open marriage under any circumstance.  What is "ethical" monogamy? Is it different from monogamy without the "ethical" in front of it?

Anonuser838383 · Answer

Its for confused people. A symptom of vitamin d deficiency, confusion. About half of westerners have it. Perhaps why so many men can't figure out they dont want other men sticking their dick in their woman.

JohnE_69 · Answer

We live in a world where we allow homosexuality, Transsexuality, and monogamy.
Sodom and Gomorrah are ever so evident in our world today. When we lose all sense of sin, know that the end of the world is at hand.

SecretYuna · Answer

Open relationships are a lot of fun if no one gets jealous haha

slatyb · Answer

I know two couples that reportedly have open marriages and they seem perfectly content. But I heard that from others, not first hand.

Anonymous · Answer

To each, their own. Live and let live. Etcetera. But why get married at all if the basic tenant of the institution doesn't suit your relationship? (Tax breaks aside.)

melanieeeB · Answer

Big ass no no. You do you but for me hell no

Juxtapose · Answer

Love in general is all bullshit. People usually only love you for what you can do for them, not for what you are deep down.

sean1234 · Answer

What are your thoughts on burning to nothing in the 2nd death if you believe in open marriage?

Casey_Black · Answer

I am in an open marriage and we are very happy together. As long as you clearly define the rules and boundaries, then there should be no issues.

AmeerX · Answer

It seems alright as long as all agree to it. Polyamory is different from swinging though. Stop making it about physical intimacy

Anonymous · Answer

It works for us, but then again, we are not an insecure couple.

Anonymous · Answer

no point in getting married if you're going to be with other people...

Akumuviral · Answer

It works for the people. A relationship is just what the people agree to.

exitseven · Answer

I think open marriage is an oxymoron. I don't even know what ethical monogamy means.

Better_off_here · Answer

well to each their own i guess, but i would not want to be in any open relationship with anyone. i think it causes problems that i could not handle.  i am all about an ethical marriage.

hi_it_is_me123 · Answer

Not for me but it can work for people who can't stop being promiscuos

Guido · Answer

I don't believe in totally open. If your going to include others then do it together and not separately.

Anonymous · Answer

I would never agree to that, but I suppose it works for some people.

Anonymous · Answer

I think it's for people who can't commit, but still want to say they're married.

KatanaSlice · Answer

I would never do that but, what other couples do is their business.

Quigly · Answer

Open marriage is not a marriage. Marriage means closed.

captain_voidwalker · Answer

I think whats the point just don't get married in the first place then

Cubus · Answer

If you don't want it to be exclusive, then why do you bother with getting married?

this_is_me_123 · Answer

It's not something that I would ever do, that's all I'll say.

whistlingwh0res · Answer

Monogamous is better if you can maintain sexual attraction but if you can’t you have to find a solution

jenna_k · Answer

It's not my thing but if the involved people are happy, that's good

Slim57 · Answer

They defeat the whole purpose of marriage and relationships. It's a disgusting perversion.

Anonymous · Answer

Such question brings Hitler to mind if he just nuke these people in open shit... What a waste

Drumlin2001 · Answer

What's ethical monogamy?

Babygirl_S · Answer

I believe in monogamy.

jasco · Answer

means lets cheat on each other

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

It's wrong and immoral.

cookiecrusher · Answer

Can be messy but works for some.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

A turd sandwich wrapped in a bow.

Aahiksht · Answer

Its shit , period.

cmarrott · Answer

Go for it.

StrawberryShake · Answer

Yikes.

Joker_ · Answer

define that shit

EaterPeter · Answer

Ethical?

ManHater · Answer

Sick.

jimmy2 · Answer

Much trouble

JesseJayNeak · Answer

It never lasts long

What are your thoughts on an, ''open marriage'' & ''ethical monogamy''?

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