Shacking up before marriage?

[cth2188]

Would you live with someone before or after marriage?

How do you feel about men and women living together prior to marriage as fiance and fiancee status?

[DizzyDesii]

Have to be engaged and it can't last longer than 6 months. I dont want to shackup that long so 6 months of living together engaged and then married if we still like eachother after living together

[cth2188]

I say 3 months prior to marriage not 6 months - I would come in every other week to live with my fiance prior to marriage. He and I would have our own place.

[DizzyDesii]

I prefer 6 months and i’d be fine having our own place even when married but thats just adding additional unnecessary bills

[cth2188]

If you met that man before engagement you already had billls to pay before meeting him. I say 3 months not 6 months. I was taught 3 months prior to marriage. He would have his place and I would have mines.

[DizzyDesii]

I hear what you’re saying but my point is that i dont really even care to live together. I’m just saying that if i did, i’d be fine with living together while engaged. I feel an engagement should last at least 6 months which is why i said 6 and not 3. I am focused on my own bills but if we have kids, it becomes unnecessary to keep 2 places. So yes i prefer my own place even if married to him. But once we have kidsc we need to live in one place and stop paying for the other by selling it or whatever

[cth2188]

Kids come after marriage unless both were married and kids are involved.. the man dictates engagement 💍 engagement can last 1-3 years , but I expect engagement within 1 year of dating 9 months max and marriage 1 1/2 year. Being under a man can be a problem he needs his space, time , and etc hell have enough of you once married anything can happen and he can call off the marriage or engagement. I wouldn't move in with a man unless I was married or we have planned a wedding date etc.. for me I would stay every other week or weekend. Shared living space nkt constant 24/7

[cth2188]

Not constant

[DizzyDesii]

I clearly said above kids after marriage when i said we’d then have one place and not two. But im also not traditional and dont need to be with a guy to have kids. there's always in vitro. Either way, we’ll agree to disagree. But my point was that i like my space and am in no rush to live with a dude, regardless of if we’re married

[cth2188]

I don't shack with men at all , but I want to know how my mate lives and how he handles finances... we would also have separate beds / bedrooms

[cth2188]

100 traditional and your 100 modern

[DizzyDesii]

I’d actually like the separate bedroom thing because i hate sharing a bed anyways.

[DizzyDesii]

Im not 100% modern. I dont really fck with todays style. I’m just me

[cth2188]

I won't have sex with a man until marriage I'm celibate

[cth2188]

OK thanks

[DizzyDesii]

Im not a virgin but i am celibate too. I’m no longer about waiting til marriage. I just need to have dated at least 6 months and if im ready then so be it. We’re different. It is what it is

[cth2188]

Agreed 👍 thanks ❤️

[rosemilk]

we didn't live together before we bought our house, then we got engaged pretty quickly after that.

[rosemilk]

all i'm saying is everyones situation is different

[cth2188]

It's even beyond him buying a house it's a bonding phase prior to marriage to see how shared space would be. I wouldn't expect my mate to invest in a home until after marriage

[Lliam]

I think renting a place together and sharing expenses before marriage is a huge mistake. You can both keep your own places and still live together.

[OrallyFixated]

Why do you consider sharing living spaces and finances a huge mistake?
You don’t really know someone until you live with them. You don’t think it’s a good idea to see if you are compatible before committing your life to that person?

[Lliam]

@OrallyFixated. I 100% agree that you don't know someone until you live with them. I think it is wise to see if you two are compatible.

I'm all for living together but not renting a place together or sharing expenses until you are married. It's too much of a risk. It would only benefit a person who was struggling financially and was looking for assistance.

People usually have furniture and personal things. They can't both bring all of it with them if they move in together. They have to let their apartment go and get rid of some of their stuff so that they can play house. But if they keep their individual places, they can still live at one or the other full time while having the ability to keep their stuff and access it when needed.

Renting a place together is risky because it creates an extreme hardship if the relationship doesn't last. You have to look for a brand new place. You have to move stuff. Someone is going to get stuck with first and last month's rent and cleaning fees.

[Lliam]

I made the mistake of moving out of a condo and renting a house with a lady. It was idyllic for several months, but things started getting rocky over time. I went to work one day and, when I returned that evening she had cleared her stuff and some of my stuff out out, including money I had set aside for the next month's rent. I hadn't seen that coming.
Throughout the time we were together, I paid most of the expenses. So I really good screwed on that deal. And I had to go out and find a new place to live.

My next girlfriend and I lived together for over a year. I had an apartment and she rented a house with two room mates. One room mate lived in the back of the house and one lived in a granny apartment in the garage. So she and I had the house pretty much to ourselves.

I kept clothes and essentials at her house and lived with her. But she stayed at my place sometimes, too.

I loved he with my heart and soul and she loved me, but circumstances forced us to separate. It's a long story. But at least neither of us had to find a new place to live.

I've heard stories from girls on GAG who moved in with their boyfriends. When they decided that things weren't working out, they were financially stuck.

[OrallyFixated]

Your complaints are all financial. And while nothing you said was inaccurate, any of those things can happen after marriage as well. It’s just more difficult to remedy. Or it can be, depending on the remedy.
Marriage doesn’t magically protect you from assholes. Some people use it as a vehicle for personal gains, screwing the other over royally.
I believe you can live together and keep your financial business intact.
Sheldon’s roommate agreement doesn’t sound so bad after all.

[Lliam]

@OrallyFixated. I said living together is ideal, but not cashing in all your chips to rent a place together and share expenses. The only reason I can think of for doing that is because one of the people wants a financial/lifestyle upgrade.

The trope that not all marriages last is irrelevant. At least marriage is more stable and has more legal protection than a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I think the problem there is, some people are in too much of a hurry to get married and aren't wise enough to make a good choice.

But, still, a married person can't simply walk away free and clear the way a boyfriend or girlfriend can do.

Then again, I do know people who lived together for their entire lives as husband and wife without ever getting formally married.

So people can do what they want. All I'm saying is, I think it's foolish to share all your resources unless you are married.

[OrallyFixated]

Fair enough. I have been happily unmarried with my common-law husband for 28 years now. We have wills, properties, and insurance all tangled together.
Splitting up would be difficult for us, even without marriage.
I guess I just never bought into the whole “marriage provides stability” line. All the marriage I saw around me ended in divorce.

[Lliam]

@OrallyFixated. I hear you. When I read the original question, I was thinking of infatuated kids who don't have a clue about life wanting to play house. They think having a boyfriend-girlfriend = love. Having a baby will fix everything. They want to be grown up and they imagine that puppy love is love. They got the idea from music about romance and from Disney princesses.

I think people should be self reliant instead of moving in together to cut expenses. If they already have their own homes, why move out entirely? Think of them as storage lockers and alternative lodging.

I was so glad to have my apartment to go to when the one girlfriend and I separated. It would have been really difficult to find a new place and move my stuff. I was already almost debilitated with grief, but at least I had my comfy apartment to go to and grieve.

At one point, you said my complaints were all financial. But just now you listed financial difficulties in separating if you live together, whether you are married or not. That's why, all I'm saying is, don't jump into it. You need to be really, really sure of each other's commitment to a permanent relationship. And moving in together needs to make sense and not just romantic.

[cth2188]

Whose a kid and who wants to play house @Lliam? I'm 34 years old and don't play house with men? I'll be on my second marriage and I believe people should live together prior to marriage based on beliefs. That's me I wouldn't mind living with a man prior to marriage due to beliefs because I want to know how my partner lives and etc. Of course I'll have my place and he'll have his.

[cth2188]

Too each their own and how they want to move forward in something like this ain't even about cutting finances it's bonding phase prior to marry. I wish people wouldn't assume things before understanding the entirety of my post

[cth2188]

Some people shack and some don't want marriage why I only deal with traditional men

[Lliam]

#1. I didn't even know the question was about you. I thought it was just hypothetical. So I wasn't talking about you when I shared my opinion on the subject.

#2. You said "Of course I'll have my place and he'll have his." That's all I was saying. That's my personal recommendation - to live together without getting into financial entanglements, at least until you are both sure that you want to spend the rest of your lives together. At that point, you can get a place together and begin your new lives.

But people can do what feels right for them.

[cth2188]

It's about me and I wouldn't give up my place unless fully married anything can happen and engagement is called off or wedding. This is no personal attack just want too see peoples personal stance

[cth2188]

So we agree here based on these other comments erm... I take marriage extremely serious you know this so thanks

[Lliam]

We're in agreement. :-)

[Redstang88]

Of course, need to know what you’re getting into

[cth2188]

Agreed

[Elena_98]

I lived with my husband (then fiance) for 1.5 years before marriage. Our Marriage got postponed due to COVID and it is the best thing that happened to us. Since we lived together for many months before wedding, we understood each other’s small quirks which we would only get to know when we live with someone. Also, living together during the past COVID years meant seeing only each other for some months and depending only on each other for emotional and physical support. This whole situation made us realize that we can live together 24 hours a day and still look at each other with same love and affection despite all the quirks. So I would say yes, living with one another before marriage is a good way to truly know the partner.

[cth2188]

Too you I womt shack with my mate sorry

[cth2188]

Won't I don't do shacking

[prosmind]

Not objectionable. Most people live together without marriage and surely after that too.

[cth2188]

True the societal standards were under yes

[prosmind]

Modern morality code has got an unexpected turn.

[cth2188]

I'm not modern nor date or deal wity modern men

[cth2188]

With ^ I follow traditional men

[prosmind]

Really appreciable.

[cth2188]

Thanks

[rabbitzzz]

I mean. She should check the package. If it's big and skilled enough to satisfy her. It will be a problem if she thinks it's not enough after marriage.

[cth2188]

It's beyond the package... marriage is beyond sex

[rabbitzzz]

I mean a guy might want to consider if he wants to be in a sexless marriage. That is another side.

[cth2188]

I don't want sexless I'm not easy to crawl in bed... I actually can't be touched not by any guy