My mother super negative towards my future wedding plan. So awkward and making me dread marriage?

[Anonymous]

Im a 30 year old male. I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we now bought a house together and have been living together for 2 years.

We intend to get married next year. I personally don’t have much interest in marriage.. just sort of a formality that I don’t care about BUT it means a lot to my girlfriend so I’ve agreed.

I haven’t been keeping my mom up to date with our plans. The reason is because anytime marriage comes up she starts making comments such as “you’re still young” or “these days people don’t get married” or “marriage will ruin your life” etc.. and she says it with a real negative tone and I know she’s purposely trying to manipulate me to NOT get married.

I believe the reason is because basically her entire family is fighting and will never rekindle relationships after the fights that happened over money. We are Italian and she grew up really caring about what others think. She will go into a full depression not eating, sleeping.. just crying all day just because one of her cousins talked bad about her behind her back for example.

Anyways I think she wants me to abandon the whole marriage idea because she’s embarrassed that her own siblings and cousins won’t come to my wedding at this point. To save herself the embarrassment she wants me to just never get married. Last night my future mother in law told my mom of the future plans next year and my mom who was in a great mood earlier in the night.. suddenly pissed. Won’t even talk to me today

I’m dreading marriage because of this kinda of BA That I need to put up with. My girlfriend all excited with her family looking forward whereas I’m just here with extreme anxiety thinking how the hell am I going to get through this

no real question other than asking if anyone has any advice to offer here

[LostandFound__x]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I understand that there’s no ‘real question’ here but let me begin by saying I’m Middle Eastern and like your family, we seem to care a lot about what people think of us. I have major anxiety when it comes to marriage and it’s for similar reasons to you. I have a very toxic extended family and I’m sick of feeling like shit all the time. And I know that when I get married I want it to be special, but there’s risks they will make me feel shit and I can’t just not invite them or even hear their 2 cents.

At the end of the day it’s just a price we have to pay when we come from a toxic family. A price that lucky people like your girlfriend don’t have to pay. We deal with it differently. But my advice is that you (ideally) only get married once and marriage is such a beautiful thing…you are in love with someone and vice versa and they want to spend their life with you. Make it as memorable and as beautiful as you can. Focus on yourself and your girlfriend.

My plan is to run far away from my family one day when I can.

[Asker]

Appreciate the reply. Yeah I have heard there are a lot of similarities between middle eastern and Italian families.

I am sorry you have the similar traits running through your family. Its nice to have someone understand since like my girlfriend and friends.. they have never heard of such behaviour.

They question me as to why I dread certain things such as marriage that forces you to include family in the plans. They can never understand. I watch them with their families and envy the enjoyment they are able to share with their families. I’ve accepted a long time ago that this is just the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life. Although marriage itself I think is the last real dreadful event for me. I’d rather go to Vegas and spontaneously get married one night with no family in sight to be honest LOL.

[LostandFound__x]

I feel you!!! I’ve always just wanted to elope and say — hey this is my husband.

The sad part is, I’m not sure if it’s just a girly thing, but I really do want to wear a white dress and plan every detail like everyone else…I mean I could but I recognise it’s going to be a headache just like what you’re experiencing now.

And I totally get you on the part where you said you watch them enjoy the moments with their families…I guess it’s just the way it is for us.

But yes I hope it’s reassuring to know you’re not alone in having these kinds of experiences. I’m sorry. It really sucks and I firsthand understand. But like I said earlier, it’s a special day for both you and your girlfriend. I guess all you could do is try and shift your focus to that.

[Eelif]

Marriage is not a collective game. Remember the Bible's counsel and keep your family in the background.

[AviatorTom]

Marriage is between you and your fiancée. Relatives and friends (that includes your mother) will have all kinds of opinions for you. Best is to ignore them.

It's important for us guys to know a wedding is really for her... you're just along for the ride. So support your fiancée, like you already are.. "it means a lot to my girlfriend".

[Avicenna]

What is in your best interest here? If there are these problems before marriage...

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Love is love & when it comes to marriage that’s between you & your girlfriend & your mother will have to except whatever plans you make.

[Asker]

It’s true I know. But she literally is refusing to talk to me today. I love her and she is great to me but her toxic family has passed on those toxic traits to her. I don’t think she has any control over how she acts. Crazy how someone you care about so much is the one that unintentionally causes the most grief in your life

[Static_In_The_Attic]

Unfortunately tough love in this case is going to have to apply & although your mother is looking out for you it seems you are at a crossroads. As for me when it comes to marriage I don’t plan on getting married. Marriage is like a hurricane there is a lot of blowing in the beginning & when it’s all said & done your house is gone.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

As for you I reread your story & above you said I personally don’t have much interest in marriage & with all honesty there is nothing that says you have to get married in the first place. On the flip side if you are going to get married don’t set a time limit & get married when both of you are ready.

[Asker]

Ohhh buddy trust me I’ve been putting this off as long as possible. I don’t give two craps about marriage: we’re already living together so this whole marriage crap doesn’t change a thing. Expensive and stressful is all it is but girls want this day to happen since they’re chilling in their mothers womb.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

As for the house is it in her name or yours or both?

[Iron_Man]

Talk to your mother about it keep her updated

[In_Trance]

good times