How should I approach my husband for an open marriage/relationship? What should I do if he disagrees?

Question

My needs are more than what he can give me. He has health issues which limited his ability and performance.

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

So first of all think about it the opposite way if it was you that could not perform or do your part.

How would you want him to come to you.
You have to reassure him of your Love your passion your commitment your respect your trust your loyalty to him.

It might be afraid that if he was to agree that you might leave him if you had some guy that just wowed you..

And then if you wanted a divorce maybe you would take half the house.

So reinsure him sign a contract even with him I mean you're going to have to give up something in order to get something

I've had a couple different friends go through the same thing.

The first friend she didn't tell me until about 2 hours after we finished and she told me by me taking her to her house and her boyfriend was in the garage I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

Him and I became pretty good friends and he told me that I should pursue her I never did tell him what we did the night I was giving her a ride home

And the second one was the guy just straight up came out and asked me if I would just take her home back to his house but he wanted me to start seeing her it was good for a while but. He had rules and she couldn't follow the rules... It's going to be a hard thing to do but it's better that you do that then cheat

JamesMI616 · Accepted Answer

You have to be honest about your needs wants and fantasies if you're serious about this. Create a space with no judgement or kink shaming. There's a solid chance he's into it and goes for it. Lots of guys want to at least hear about it after. Encourage him to share his kinks as well. If you want to stay with him you should involve him. Let him help you choose partners. Some men can handle this type of thing and some can't depending on how secure and possessive he is. Most of the guys I know would be able to deal with the open marriage IF they aren't being lied to or manipulated by the one who is closest to them. Lies are often transparent insults to someones intelligence, and no one wants to find out something they don't know about their partner from elsewhere. Nothing makes you feel as stupid as finding out last. I'll go as far as to say that if you can't share your needs desires with him you have big problems. You can start slowly and make it easy for him. Show him some porn and tell him what does it for you. He'll be more open minded if you get him off first. You're not doing anything wrong. You're wants are natural and you don't have to keep a secret.

HelpfulWoman · Accepted Answer

first, ask how he feels about them in general. then you can broach about whether he'd be up for it as an option.
then, respect the answer, and decide if your sexual needs are worth more than the rest of your relationship if he says no.

EmmaMary · Accepted Answer

Maybe you should have considered talking this through with him before you got married.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Do you remember making a promise when you got married? Didn't you promise to be faithful and loyal to him, and to stand by him in sickness as well as in health?

You need to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who would just say that because it was part of the ceremony, or whether you actually meant what you said.

coachTanthony · Answer

lol.

sukumamu · Answer

Assuming you've already gone down the road of expressing your sexual frustrations, trying to work through them together, trying to spice things up in the bedroom despite his issues, maybe trying couples therapy, etc., and none of that worked out, the next step probably shouldn't be an open relationship. The only reason I say that is because all the couples I've known with successful open relationships have said to me that opening a relationship specifically to fix a relationship almost never works out. People who work well in open relationships tend to form open relationships early on, and never as a relationship survival strategy.

Of the times I've heard of it working out, one spouse (usually the man) opts to never ever mention it and pretends like it doesn't happen. I'm personally not able to maintain a facade that deep for the rest of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else either.

Instead you should both sit down and lay out your relationship needs. Draw some lines in the sand, lay out what's important to you, lay out your love and commitment to each other and where that commitment may stop. Figure it out and reassess what compromises you're willing to have in the relationship. In that environment, maybe an open relationship is one suggestion of a compromise, but again, just be careful. It's not the greatest relationship survival strategy.

mobiusforniner · Answer

Hmmm. I had surgery a few years ago. Left me immobile for a long time and physically unable to have sex. We worked through it. It wasn’t easy for her picking up the slack and trying to push on with daily life with kids while taking care of a handicap husband. But it wasn’t my choice to have health problems. I felt loved because my wife put aside her wants and desires to help me become better. And when it comes down to it, that’s what love really is….. letting go of what WE want

so obviously you have wants that are not focused on the person you should want to be better. I’ll let you take that however you want

BCRanger10 · Answer

You don't. An "open marriage" is a contradiction in terms. Marriage is a formal, lifelong, exclusive commitment. It doesn't matter if both the husband and the wife agree or approve. They're both wrong. Once you're committed, you are committed.

What do you do? You work on tempering and governing your "needs" (they are not actual legitimate needs, if it's sex you're talking about). You love, support, help, and serve him in whatever ways he needs you to until his health issues are resolved, assuming that they're not permanent. If they're not, you stick it out and you wait patiently. If they are, then you make sacrifices.

Miristheiss · Answer

This marriage is over. It really doesn't matter how you do it. If he has any balls or any wisdom he will divorce you as soon as you even bring it up.

"Hey, my monogamous mate who I promised to be faithful to until death parts us, I want to go out and start sucking some outside dick and screw other men now. A bait and switch."

Everyone, who isn't naive, knows you are already screwing some other men or at least you have been talking to guys and getting some side action lined up. You just want the hubbies approval so you can feed yourself this lie that you aren't a cheating, adulteress.

If your intent is to start having sex with others then this marriage is over. Just get a divorce already and give him a hassle free divorce.

blueonblack22 · Answer

First only talk about your needs and how you are having problems without bringing up your “open marriage” idea. Tell him you love him and RESPECT him. Tell him you understand his health problems.

Then ask him if there is some method you and him can agree upon to resolve the problem.

Do not bring up the idea about an “open” marriage unless he brings it up first. You need to first seek to understand his pov before expressing your own.

If you push this idea without first expressing to him that you respect him and are understanding it’s going to be very dangerous for your marriage. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your needs. Definitely communicate that. But you need to do this as respectfully as possible.

bolverk · Answer

An "open marriage/relationship" is a contradiction in terms, and is brought up by the woman, rarely the man, which invariably leads to the the marriage imploding, immediately on the subject being broached or after a couple of months when the strain on the marriage/relationship becomes intolerable when the woman puts restrictions on what the man can do/who they can see.

And ask yourself would you condone it if your husband asked for the same thing while you were dealing with 'health issues'? I'd be willing to bet that you'd explode at him and accuse him of wanting to cheat on you.

laly520 · Answer

u should've discussed that with him before getting married

Quigly · Answer

Not really buying the "My needs are more than he can give me routine"

A woman can be pleased sexually in many ways in the bedroom.

You don't have a need to be with another man unless you are just trying to be abusive and disrespectful to your husband.

dustybiker2 · Answer

Did these "health issues" manifest before or after the I do's? You are literally asking advice on how to cheat. When you should be seeking a divorce attorney.. For his benefit.

Jersey2 · Answer

Be prepared for divorce, if not soon than later. Who knows, it could even be you filing the papers. Open and poly relationships don’t end well. I know of a poly couple who just ended this month after about 12 years of marriage and year and a half of poly.

Billlewis · Answer

I'd sit him down and gently inform him that this is what you intend to do, and that in the interest of courtesy, he should be aware of it. In other words, don't present it as a request, but as an announcement.

Mac-One · Answer

If you desire continuous fulfillment from others you should not be married. It might be possible to forgive a one time straying given the circumstances and continuing a committed marriage if both parties have a strong enough commitment. Either party could develop a condition which caused sex to be painful or impossible and that should not be a reason to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage.

DextroShade · Answer

You don't, you have the decency to at least tell him you are leaving him for the streets instead of cucking him, then you get a divorce and take nothing from him. To do anything else makes you a piece of shit.

krin_m · Answer

First just talk about you two as a couple and see if you can find a solution. That will work only if your issues is just him not meeting your needs at present. On the other hand, if you are interested in open marriage regardless of your current predicament, that is a more involved and may be a bit difficult conversation.

kinkynicci · Answer

I suggest asking if he would like to watch. There are a lot of men who secretly enjoy watching their wife/girlfriend with other guys.

RebelinSteel · Answer

Just be open and honest about what you want. also be prepared for a couple of responses he may want to end the marriage be indifferent  or want to see you with other guys

TommyMountainFigure · Answer

Ya know.. This is exactly why I say sex after marriage is a bad thing. Who's idea was it to wait until you got married before realising you were sexually incompatible?

jahaims · Answer

Stop lying to yourself. You are too much of a broken slut to be in a relationship. Deal with your trauma or continue to have self destructive coping mechanisms

Curmudgeon · Answer

Somebody please drop this husband of @princesspd a line - privately. He needs to figure out how and when to bail out.

MrDaveAPSI · Answer

If you never intended to have a TRUE relationship with him, why did you marry him This is why I can't stand the idea of marriage, too many unfaithful people

JacobJordan · Answer

Relationship over file for divorce ask for nothing

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Why not just get a dildo? It can make things work without cheating. Or get him do do other sexual things with you if he can't really have sex.

genericname85 · Answer

Here's what will happen: he'll tell you that under no circumstances will that happen in your marriage. and then you are free to divorce him carrying the consqeuences of that financially.

Huntingnfishin · Answer

Sounds more like a beginning to the end to me. I really don't see any way of that going well, even if he does say yes.

Nikki1989 · Answer

This should have been worked out before marriage. It is probably too late now.

bobby_bush_eater · Answer

A divorce. You're a degenerate who made a pathetic mistake in marriage, you clearly are very selfish. Your "needs" are not needs

gemgem · Answer

Get a divorce instead of living in your sham of a marriage

nawtee_me · Answer

Have you tried toys or letting him use toys on you? He could use them to get you almost there and finish it himself or do all he can and finish it with toys to make you orgasm….

Vermillion30 · Answer

I’m 31 with Cystic Fibrosis. I may as well Quit dating now that I see what future I’m in for.

DreamLife7 · Answer

Your husband isn't the problem it's you. You're old, insecure and hit a wall so you're taking it out on him.

abc--123 · Answer

Just bare in mind an open relationship means he gets to sleep around aswell

OddBeMe · Answer

Definitely not. I don’t think the issues in your marriage will be solved that way. But if you do, call me babe :)

Guanfei · Answer

Then pack your things and go. You're insulting him. He deserves better.

Anonymous · Answer

Just tell him this is the way it is and that you’re going to have an open marriage whether he likes it or not. It’s not like you promised him you would have sex with him and only him.

LunarEclipse433 · Answer

Very carefully if you care about him, but definitely tell him

Kristierose · Answer

Me and my first wife had a open relationship it was rather enjoyable.. especially if you have no boundaries and don't judge

underling · Answer

Is it going to be open both ways? Or will you be the only one that seeks others?

Anonymous · Answer

Be honest: Honey, I need other men to satisfy me, but you can have sex with other women. If he says no, go to counseling.

LiamJHayden · Answer

Desires are not needs.

Dargil · Answer

Do you have children?

Drumlin2001 · Answer

So you're happy for him to sleep with other women?

andreasderjuengere · Answer

Approach him with a divorce suggestion instead.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

Wow you're scummy.

CALIGVLA · Answer

Then divorcing is the best option.

rienna888 · Answer

That sucks, is he overweight?

Staximus · Answer

Stop thinking with your vagina

Juxtapose · Answer

He has hands and a mouth, don't cheat.

Sam12348 · Answer

He deserves a better partner

Deserter2 · Answer

Don't put him through this, just break it off

ChicoFromThe305 · Answer

Smh..

Luckycharms12 · Answer

Buy a sex toy

jjj101010 · Answer

Talk to him

How should I approach my husband for an open marriage/relationship? What should I do if he disagrees?

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