How should I approach my husband for an open marriage/relationship? What should I do if he disagrees?

[Princesspd]

My needs are more than what he can give me. He has health issues which limited his ability and performance.

[ohsheeT]

So first of all think about it the opposite way if it was you that could not perform or do your part.

How would you want him to come to you.
You have to reassure him of your Love your passion your commitment your respect your trust your loyalty to him.

It might be afraid that if he was to agree that you might leave him if you had some guy that just wowed you..

And then if you wanted a divorce maybe you would take half the house.

So reinsure him sign a contract even with him I mean you're going to have to give up something in order to get something

I've had a couple different friends go through the same thing.

The first friend she didn't tell me until about 2 hours after we finished and she told me by me taking her to her house and her boyfriend was in the garage I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

Him and I became pretty good friends and he told me that I should pursue her I never did tell him what we did the night I was giving her a ride home

And the second one was the guy just straight up came out and asked me if I would just take her home back to his house but he wanted me to start seeing her it was good for a while but. He had rules and she couldn't follow the rules... It's going to be a hard thing to do but it's better that you do that then cheat

[JamesMI616]

You have to be honest about your needs wants and fantasies if you're serious about this. Create a space with no judgement or kink shaming. There's a solid chance he's into it and goes for it. Lots of guys want to at least hear about it after. Encourage him to share his kinks as well. If you want to stay with him you should involve him. Let him help you choose partners. Some men can handle this type of thing and some can't depending on how secure and possessive he is. Most of the guys I know would be able to deal with the open marriage IF they aren't being lied to or manipulated by the one who is closest to them. Lies are often transparent insults to someones intelligence, and no one wants to find out something they don't know about their partner from elsewhere. Nothing makes you feel as stupid as finding out last. I'll go as far as to say that if you can't share your needs desires with him you have big problems. You can start slowly and make it easy for him. Show him some porn and tell him what does it for you. He'll be more open minded if you get him off first. You're not doing anything wrong. You're wants are natural and you don't have to keep a secret.

[HelpfulWoman]

first, ask how he feels about them in general. then you can broach about whether he'd be up for it as an option.
then, respect the answer, and decide if your sexual needs are worth more than the rest of your relationship if he says no.

[Princesspd]

Yes. I can try to bring up the topic and see how he reacts to it.

[Princesspd]

I still love him and respect him as my husband and the father of my children. He is a very patient man and although I had an affair I was forgiven. But I can’t get what I need from him and I am always tempted.

[HelpfulWoman]

and the context shows you want to just be trashy. good to know. he's "patient" in apparently being a fucking moron.

[Princesspd]

I do want an open marriage/relationship. I think it would be the best option for us. We shall see

[EmmaMary]

Maybe you should have considered talking this through with him before you got married.

[Princesspd]

I didn’t know he will have health issues limiting his ability to perform.

[EmmaMary]

So this has arisen during your marriage?

[Princesspd]

Yes. We have been married 16 years now.

[EmmaMary]

Well in that case you both need to sit down quietly and talk this through thoroughly, and hopefully come to a happy and satisfied compromise.

[Princesspd]

I hope he understands where I’m coming from. I still love him as my husband and the father to my children. It is just that what I needs he can’t give it to me anymore.

[EmmaMary]

I find it very interesting to note that "Princesspd" is No Longer Active... I'm now wondering why that might be!

[Inbox]

What Ms. Princess (notice I used the word "Ms") doesn't understand (same thing when women say that their sexual past doesn't matter) is that sex is almost never a transactional experience for females. She'll eventually get attached and divorce the guy to go after Chad thunder cock.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you remember making a promise when you got married? Didn't you promise to be faithful and loyal to him, and to stand by him in sickness as well as in health?

You need to ask yourself if you are the kind of person who would just say that because it was part of the ceremony, or whether you actually meant what you said.

[Juxtapose]

^^ wise advice.

[Princesspd]

@Juxtapose I don’t know but I am not happy in my marriage.

[coachTanthony]

https://www.youtube.com/embed/j6_pv_vRHKI

lol.

[sukumamu]

Assuming you've already gone down the road of expressing your sexual frustrations, trying to work through them together, trying to spice things up in the bedroom despite his issues, maybe trying couples therapy, etc., and none of that worked out, the next step probably shouldn't be an open relationship. The only reason I say that is because all the couples I've known with successful open relationships have said to me that opening a relationship specifically to fix a relationship almost never works out. People who work well in open relationships tend to form open relationships early on, and never as a relationship survival strategy.

Of the times I've heard of it working out, one spouse (usually the man) opts to never ever mention it and pretends like it doesn't happen. I'm personally not able to maintain a facade that deep for the rest of my life and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else either.

Instead you should both sit down and lay out your relationship needs. Draw some lines in the sand, lay out what's important to you, lay out your love and commitment to each other and where that commitment may stop. Figure it out and reassess what compromises you're willing to have in the relationship. In that environment, maybe an open relationship is one suggestion of a compromise, but again, just be careful. It's not the greatest relationship survival strategy.

[mobiusforniner]

Hmmm. I had surgery a few years ago. Left me immobile for a long time and physically unable to have sex. We worked through it. It wasn’t easy for her picking up the slack and trying to push on with daily life with kids while taking care of a handicap husband. But it wasn’t my choice to have health problems. I felt loved because my wife put aside her wants and desires to help me become better. And when it comes down to it, that’s what love really is….. letting go of what WE want

so obviously you have wants that are not focused on the person you should want to be better. I’ll let you take that however you want

[BCRanger10]

You don't. An "open marriage" is a contradiction in terms. Marriage is a formal, lifelong, exclusive commitment. It doesn't matter if both the husband and the wife agree or approve. They're both wrong. Once you're committed, you are committed.

What do you do? You work on tempering and governing your "needs" (they are not actual legitimate needs, if it's sex you're talking about). You love, support, help, and serve him in whatever ways he needs you to until his health issues are resolved, assuming that they're not permanent. If they're not, you stick it out and you wait patiently. If they are, then you make sacrifices.

[Juxtapose]

Most people aren't willing to sacrifice for each other, they're using each other to fill a void or entertain themselves. They don't *REALLY* care.

The type of people that will stick with you through thick and thin and truly love you more than anything are incredibly rare to the point of being virtually non-existent.

[BCRanger10]

@Juxtapose I'll say something that I've said for years. Love is a choice.

[Juxtapose]

It really is a choice. It's not the fleeting feelings of the honeymoon phase like some people paint it out to be.

[Miristheiss]

This marriage is over. It really doesn't matter how you do it. If he has any balls or any wisdom he will divorce you as soon as you even bring it up.

"Hey, my monogamous mate who I promised to be faithful to until death parts us, I want to go out and start sucking some outside dick and screw other men now. A bait and switch."

Everyone, who isn't naive, knows you are already screwing some other men or at least you have been talking to guys and getting some side action lined up. You just want the hubbies approval so you can feed yourself this lie that you aren't a cheating, adulteress.

If your intent is to start having sex with others then this marriage is over. Just get a divorce already and give him a hassle free divorce.

[Princesspd]

I prefer an open marriage than having sex with other men behind his back.

[DextroShade]

You would rather just shove it in face in some pathetic attempt to feel less guilt and shame.

[Juxtapose]

@DextroShade EXACTLY! But the guy is a pushover who forgave her infidelity before so he's pretty fucked.

[Miristheiss]

@Juxtapose
Yes, weak men who have pushover standards and weak boundaries with women in their lives will always get screwed over by women. They seem to fear being alone and would rather be miserable accepting the girls shitty behavior then to make a clean break, leave her and start fresh with someone new. Someone who isn't tainted.

[blueonblack22]

First only talk about your needs and how you are having problems without bringing up your “open marriage” idea. Tell him you love him and RESPECT him. Tell him you understand his health problems.

Then ask him if there is some method you and him can agree upon to resolve the problem.

Do not bring up the idea about an “open” marriage unless he brings it up first. You need to first seek to understand his pov before expressing your own.

If you push this idea without first expressing to him that you respect him and are understanding it’s going to be very dangerous for your marriage. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express your needs. Definitely communicate that. But you need to do this as respectfully as possible.

[bolverk]

An "open marriage/relationship" is a contradiction in terms, and is brought up by the woman, rarely the man, which invariably leads to the the marriage imploding, immediately on the subject being broached or after a couple of months when the strain on the marriage/relationship becomes intolerable when the woman puts restrictions on what the man can do/who they can see.

And ask yourself would you condone it if your husband asked for the same thing while you were dealing with 'health issues'? I'd be willing to bet that you'd explode at him and accuse him of wanting to cheat on you.

[Princesspd]

I have no problem if he wants to be with other women.

[laly520]

u should've discussed that with him before getting married

[Princesspd]

I didn’t know he will have health issues limiting his ability to perform.

[laly520]

u can give it a try n discuss it with him but u don't have right to make him agree to it or force him to accept ur offer since as I said u didn't discuss it from beginning but yea u could give it a try

[Princesspd]

His health issues coke in during our marriage, but yeah I am trying to figure the best approach so he wouldn’t be hurt.

[laly520]

or maybe he go see a doctor?

[Princesspd]

We tried.

[laly520]

hmm better pick a nice day n talk to him about it calmly tho I have feeling he won't be ok with it since u two never did it before

[Princesspd]

There is a high possibility he won’t be okay with it.

[laly520]

yes that's what I thought about
ig the only option left is either u continue living that way or initiate a divorce

[Princesspd]

I thought about a divorce too, but then I don’t want my kids to blame me for leaving their dad.

[laly520]

they won't if u make sure to explain it to em

[Juxtapose]

Yes, they absolutely will blame you.

"Hey kids your dad got jealous because I wanted to break our marriage vows. Why did I want to break our marriage vows? Because I won't settle for fingers and tongue, his dick doesn't work how I want it to so I am going to abandon the entire relationship if he won't let me have outside dick."

Wow, how charming.

[laly520]

I got ur point but I think its better for her to end it rather than cheating on him or sleeping with other guys n watch their marriage turn into chaos
from the way she described the situation she seems done n its big deal to her so keeping such marriage won't be best option n it would definitely affect the kids mental health seeing their parents cheat or fight constantly

[Juxtapose]

Look around the comments here, she has already admitted to having cheated before but the guy was stupid enough to forgive her.

And how is he rewarded for his magnanimous mercy? She is going to abandon him at his lowest.

Let's not pretend like he can't use his tongue or fingers or even a toy. This is pure selfishness and should be condemned as such.

I fully support this divorce for whatever that is worth.

[laly520]

oh I didn't notice she actually cheated on him... makes me more sure of telling her to divorce

yes I agree with u, there is many alternative ways to sort it out but some just don't want that which is why she isn't satisfied with it
so divorce it is

[Juxtapose]

[Quigly]

Not really buying the "My needs are more than he can give me routine"

A woman can be pleased sexually in many ways in the bedroom.

You don't have a need to be with another man unless you are just trying to be abusive and disrespectful to your husband.

[dustybiker2]

Did these "health issues" manifest before or after the I do's? You are literally asking advice on how to cheat. When you should be seeking a divorce attorney.. For his benefit.

[Princesspd]

After

[Jersey2]

Be prepared for divorce, if not soon than later. Who knows, it could even be you filing the papers. Open and poly relationships don’t end well. I know of a poly couple who just ended this month after about 12 years of marriage and year and a half of poly.

[Billlewis]

I'd sit him down and gently inform him that this is what you intend to do, and that in the interest of courtesy, he should be aware of it. In other words, don't present it as a request, but as an announcement.

[Mac-One]

If you desire continuous fulfillment from others you should not be married. It might be possible to forgive a one time straying given the circumstances and continuing a committed marriage if both parties have a strong enough commitment. Either party could develop a condition which caused sex to be painful or impossible and that should not be a reason to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage.

[DextroShade]

You don't, you have the decency to at least tell him you are leaving him for the streets instead of cucking him, then you get a divorce and take nothing from him. To do anything else makes you a piece of shit.

[Princesspd]

I am not leaving him. I am just asking for an open marriage.

[DextroShade]

That is just cuckoldry. You are still trying to get the benefits of being married to him while you go out and fuck other dudes! If you want to hop on the cock carousel just be single. I hope he has enough self-respect to throw you out on the streets where you belong.

[Princesspd]

So you’re saying I should stay with him and be depressed and not happy?

[Juxtapose]

He has fingers & a tongue lady. Unless he can barely move his wrist there are ways for him to get you off.

You are betraying your marriage vows. "In sickness and in health."

[Princesspd]

@Juxtapose I know he has fingers and tongue, but I am looking for more. Fingers and tongue is are not the same.

[DextroShade]

You have to choose between your husband and the cock carousel.

[Juxtapose]

So were your marriage vows just made for shits and giggles? Did you not pay attention to how serious they were? Do you not honor your promises?

If I love a woman, even if she can't move at all and I can only just masturbate in front of her while she watches, I will love her for the rest of my days as long as her heart beats for mine. Such a union is supposed to be deeper than transient physical needs.

[Princesspd]

@Juxtapose for me promises change over time.

[Juxtapose]

Fingers and a mouth can give you really good orgasms. There's even toys he can use on you. You're giving up because it's inconvenient for you. You cheated in the past because it was inconvenient for you, you would rather have cheated than worked out the issues or broke up properly before fucking other dudes.

At some point you're going to have to look in the mirror and admit you have some severe character flaws.

[Juxtapose]

"for me promises change over time."

That's because you realized those promises were inconvenient for you. Commitment involves sacrifice for the sake of the other person. When they are up there lowest, that is when you are supposed to shine at your brightest and truly be there for them like you have never been before. Be his angel.

But clearly you have a different idea about that so it's probably better for you to get a divorce.

[Juxtapose]

*their lowest

[krin_m]

First just talk about you two as a couple and see if you can find a solution. That will work only if your issues is just him not meeting your needs at present. On the other hand, if you are interested in open marriage regardless of your current predicament, that is a more involved and may be a bit difficult conversation.

[Princesspd]

I still love my husband. It is just that he is not meeting my sexual needs. If other men can satisfied me, I prefer to stay married.

[krin_m]

Then you need to have that difficult conversation with him. Try to do it in as non-confrontational manner as possible.
I'm an openly poly person and have experience with these situations. DM me if you want to chat more.

[Ogopogo]

There aren't a whole lot of things you can't accomplish with the right toys. What exactly is it you aren't getting from him? Is he at fault for any of it? Don't ask for an open marriage, ask for a threesome. For a woman to ask for an open marriage is accepted code for already cheating. If you drop that on him he will divorce you, even if he otherwise would not have minded you having someone on the side. The insult is a much bigger issue than the sex.

[RebelinSteel]

Just be open and honest about what you want.

also be prepared for a couple of responses

he may want to end the marriage

be indifferent

or want to see you with other guys

[TommyMountainFigure]

Ya know.. This is exactly why I say sex after marriage is a bad thing. Who's idea was it to wait until you got married before realising you were sexually incompatible?

[Princesspd]

His issues arise after our marriage.

[jahaims]

Stop lying to yourself. You are too much of a broken slut to be in a relationship. Deal with your trauma or continue to have self destructive coping mechanisms

[Curmudgeon]

Somebody please drop this husband of @Princesspd a line - privately. He needs to figure out how and when to bail out.