I was talking to someone recently about childhood. They described their childhood as great. They mostly lived in the same neighborhood most of their lives, so they formed long-time bonds with the other kids there. They had a natural athletic ability, just like most of their family. Lots of friends, plenty to do, great athletic ability for being impressive in football... They were ripped, in good shape, and so good-looking that they had girls practically knocking their door down. Every day was a party for them.
My childhood wasn't like that... my reality was not a party... more like being locked in a cage at the zoo. I was abused, verbally and physically, nearly every day of my life. My day-to-day reality was defined through pain. Constant pain. From behind my metaphorical cage bars, I watched as people showed up to school to be greeted by their group of friends. They had a place they could go... people who had their back and were genuinely happy to see them. I watched guys with their girlfriends, holding hands, kissing, hugging, arm-around the shoulder, all as they talked about what a great evening they had the previous night, or how they were excited about whatever they were going to do after school.
I had none of that. I didn't have friends... I moved around a lot, and as a result I never got to form any long-lasting bond with anyone. It affected me socially, to the point where I became more interested in entertaining myself than everyone else, and this made me act a little weird to people. Stupid young boys knew only one word to describe me since their small and simple minds didn't understand nuance: faggot. Apparently you are sexually attracted to men if you're upbeat in personality and energetic... if you're creative with off-the-wall humor. I was a little Robin Williams as a kid... but no, apparently that made me "gay" to everyone else.
I couldn't gain the attraction of any women either. What came so easily for everyone else was a burdensome struggle for me (and even still kinda is today). Compounded with constantly being bombarded with homosexual epithets, I didn't think I'd ever find love from the opposite sex.
Any time I tried to reach outside my cage bars to take a little happiness for myself, my wrist was slapped. I existed for the sole amusement of the privileged. Dance monkey! Scream monkey! Entertain us, or we'll make you feel more pain!
The world wasn't handed to me... I had to fight a long uphill battle to achieve happiness and greatness. I became a champion.
Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because as I was speaking about all of this, my friend stopped me and said "dude, you gotta let that shit go, man!" And a thought occurred to me: why should I let my past go while he gets to keep his? What, because my past wasn't good enough, I have to forget it ever happened? That's not fair... why do you get to have a past while I get to have none? How about we both let our pasts go?
It really bothered me... and it completely undermined everything I'd worked so hard to achieve. While they were able to make friends and party so easily, I had to find alternative social and emotional routes to achieving the same thing. I got to learn the ins and outs of social interaction, almost like a science. People fascinate me today.
Today, I own a house that I first bought when I turned 23. I have two college degrees, and a really nice job in my field of study (IT/Engineering). I have it all today, and I have friends and activities that I belong to. I'm happy today... but unlike him, I had to earn my happiness.
To me, telling me to forget my past cheapens the entire experience. I enjoy my happiness today all the more, knowing all that I had to suffer in order to make it happen. It makes me stronger, and able to handle situations better. I learned how to mold and shape my world to my liking. That's why I always look forward to the future.
He, on the other hand, hates the future. He wants everything to revert to "the good old days." I didn't have "good old days", so I'm holding out hope for "great new days" instead. I charge forward, cutting my own path, making my reality a great one while he drags behind, still looking at all the stuff he left behind.
My past is the reason I have value... the reason I have worth. I didn't struggle through all of that only to be told no in life. That's where the source of my confidence comes from. And yeah, there are still some residual effects from it (I still listen to abrasive heavy music in order to achieve cathartic release, and my sense of humor tends to be based in cynicism, misanthropy, and nihilism... Korn is still my favorite band lol). He, on the other hand, has to come to terms with the fact that since the present and future will never be as good, he'll live out the rest of his days as a has-been. For me, my life just continually gets better and better.
So I say don't "let your past go." Ever. Remember that pain. Remember that motivation to be what you are today. Let it serve as a starting benchmark for how far you've come, and how much better you're going to be. And if your past was better, then maybe you need to work harder to make your present and future even better than the past ever was.
What Girls & Guys Said
Opinion
1Opinion
My rough past involved living in the circus and surviving on peanuts for 9 months.
Share the first opinion in your gender
and earn 1 more Xper point!