Now, there are a few things in life I don't understand, like, most 5 syllable words, people who unsparingly use the word 'literally' and anybody who names their child after a fruit. But one thing I do understand is how arguments go, they all follow a single path with very little variation and I'm about to explain them - as simply as I can...
Hi, I'm an idiot and here's my guide to arguments.
Couple arguments always usually start over something small - the mountain-to-mud-hill scenario. Both will argue with each other; this will slowly progress until they are both shouting at each other louder than Gilbert Gottfried stepping on a lego piece. Sometimes half way through arguing they either realise they're wrong or stop caring about what it is they're arguing about - but they keep arguing anyway - because it's no longer about anything other than winning. [shout out to Charlie Sheen] #BiWinning. And boy do they want to win. This will go on for a while and generally end in silence and avoidance for some time, sometimes the silence will be broken with the occasional sharp slamming of a door or cabinet drawer. But then one of them will apologise and make up... you know... make up make up... (I'm talking about sex) And not even cool birthday sex, but like a weird 'please-don't-hate-me-and-marry-my-sister' sex. Which is awesome... Note: younger people can replace the word sex with pizza.
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield
Political arguments always happen like this: with an issue that neither party will agree on despite both having half-arsed information on the matter. One is a "Nazi" the other is a "Liberal" which sounds like the trailer for a really shitty Sylvester Stallone movie. Individuals attempting these arguments are regularly as uneducated as the politicians they defend. They start off with facts and statistics, usually from the first page on Google, but eventually turn to schoolyard insults. These arguments can go on for hours and usually end how they start – with both of them acting smugger than George Clooney.
"None of them really understood the subject: not one of them had ever devoted fifteen consecutive minutes to the earnest investigation of it." - Robert Tressell, The Ragged Trousered Philanthropist
Sport arguments are often passionately veneered with the struggles of one’s inability to comprehend why dum dum no like gum gum. This argument usually involves the use of old information; such as a lesser known 1982 sporting match which played out in a particular way that is typically beneficial to party A’s point. They can turn uglier than Susan Boyle and last longer than any man who thinks about the red head from Girls Aloud. These are the ones most likely to end in fisticuffs(never used that word before, I think it might be my new favourite) and are often fuelled by alcohol and sore knuckles from all that walking.
“I have nothing against football. It just seems very wasteful losing 2 hours of my life to watch 22 millionaires on TV chasing a bag of wind in their underwear.” - Guy Martin
Religious arguments are normally carried out between those who do, and those who do not, believe in a particular deity or scripture. Though, they were not always carried out in this manner; previously they were carried out and nailed to a cross.(only kids born in the 1640s will get that joke) This is regularly viewed as a one book vs. many books debate. These arguments always play out the same way – sometimes for days – and are usually the most entertaining of the arguments to observe. I've honestly seen more variety in a Melissa McCarthy's movie than I have in these arguments. One guy says sciencey stuff, the other guy says have faith or 'I just know' as a reply to everyting. I actually saw a guy get so mad during one of these arguments he thought a totally proportionate response would be to send a picture of his arse to the other guy... which he did with the caption 'looking for lips'... he thought it was a good response - Facebook did not agree.
"People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them." - Dave Barry
Conspiracy Theory arguments are often fuelled by the over analysis of pseudoscience and false facts. This means that one party will claim to be using their own research despite having no actual academic experience or knowledge in the field. Labelled as 'thumb warriors', said [tin hat] party will believe themselves to be of superior knowledge to their adversary and also perceive themselves as enlightened beings. They also use the word 'sheeple' a lot, which is a combination of the words people and sheep, but may actually be an actual species given the Welsh's notorious relationship with barn animals. It is not uncommon to hear references cited from scientists nobody has ever heard of before, or who people have heard of, but have laughed out of academia. These arguments usually end with a lot of sexual frustration and angry Facebook statuses - or so the lizard people told me.
"A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line." - Jerry Fletcher, Conspiracy Theory 1997
Racism & Feminism based arguments are very similar in their delivery. This is mostly fed by self-righteousness and an absence of educational understanding in what they’re talking about outside of ‘I live it everyday’ logic. These are not the moans you're looking for.These arguments are usually backed up with basic knowledge on the subject and misquoted, out of context, speech. Despite both parties claim they’re well-read on the subject it usually turns out the individual has read very few books, all of which lack the diversity and clarity needed to gain an informed opinion on the matter. I recently bought a Gordon Ramsey cookbook, fuck me I fucking learned a fuckton, you fuckin fucks. Still can't cook for shit though. These arguments more often than not end up with one party believing their struggle has been exemplified – whereas anyone else just thinks they're overreacting. They then both return to the rocks to sleep.
“The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.”
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
These are just a few examples of arguments you regularly encounter in life and on the interweb. Don't become a victim of them. You're better than that. Or maybe you're not. I don't know you. You could be a real shit.
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Personal note included because fuck you, that’s why: though sometimes I appreciate when people reference information from books, and in fact encourage them to read more - if you base your whole opinion from one book, I might as well just cut out the middle man and argue with the author of said book. This information should be used to assist in the forming of an opinion with conflicting viewpoints all being considered and evaluated accordingly: this should not be used as the be-all-and-end-all foundation on which your opinion is formed - unless you’re really, really stupid. Then sure, form away. However, that's probably a different problem for a different time.
"A healthy person's opinion can constantly change with the introduction of new information." - Me, just now
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Life’s too short - especially for stupid people who operate heavy machinery.
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Nice take