So I am diagnosed with a mental disorder which makes me experience depersonalization and derealization at times. I get a lot of comments from people on what the hell it feels like. They even sometimes wish they had it so that they can see how it feels. Usually what I want to say to them is something along the lines of "I WOULDN'T WISH THAT ON MY WORST ENEMY" but I laugh it off saying something like "nah, believe me it's not that cool."
For people who are wondering "what it feels like" (this is not a take on the medical descriptions), here is my humble attempt at that so that you have an idea on it and don't say silly things like "I wish I had it."
#1 You are in a dream...or are you?
Yep, you just don't know the answer.
Ever had this feeling when you are sleeping you "know" that you are sleeping? Imagine you are having a bad dream and in your dream you tell to yourself "shit, I must be dreaming, let me wake up now" and then you open your eyes. (kind of like lucid dreaming)
Now imagine the same situation but in real life. You are out grocery shopping, let's say, and suddenly you have to pinch yourself on the arm to check if you are in a dream or not. And if you feel the pinch, it doesn't stop you still from thinking that you are in a dream.
It's like you are watching yourself out of your own body. (kind of like astral in this sense)
# Everything is in slow motion:
Some cases report fast motion, others slow motion. In my case it's slow motion.
When you feel it coming, everything slows down. Time slows down. Let's go with the grocery shopping example.
You've finished shopping and ready to check out. You arrive at the cash register. All seems allright with a minor setback: everything is in slow-mo! The check out girl is scanning each and every item as slowly as possible and you hear every "beep" in slow-motion in your head! And you are like "wtf is she doing?" All you want to do is give her the "hurry up!" face, then you realize she's giving that face to you and actually waiting for you to hand the cash! So do all the other people waiting in the line behind you. You've been zoning out. You give yourself a pinch on the arm and she is like "what the fuck?". Then, you try to hurry up, give her the money and get the fuck out of there as soon as you possibly can and never come back.
Not just your environment slows down, but also your own movements.(in my case at least. With a little bit of trembling and dizziness.)
# You lose control
I like to have control in everything in my life. That's why I don't drink or do drugs. Because I hate the feeling of losing control. But when I dissociate, it feels like everything is going out of my hand.
You can't control your own movements. You fear you are going to embarrass yourself in front of people or do/say something stupid but there is nothing you can do about it. Your brain doesn't tell your body what to do, your body kind of does whatever the fuck it wants. Your hands and arms go about as if independent from your body!
# You don't give a single fuck
Sometimes when under stress, you worry about every single fucking thing on the universe. But when you dissociate, it feels you don't give a monkey's ass. Also because after a while you get used to it and just don't care at all.
Your boss could be yelling at you on those late reports while all you do is just stand there smiling stupidly in slow motion.
# Is this my hand?
Don't be creeped out if you catch me staring at my own hands or staring at myself in the mirror for hours trying to figure out who is staring back.
You look at your hand. But in your mind it is "a" hand. You see it separate from your own body, if that makes sense. You analyze it...five fingers, nails, veins. See the shape and color, everything but somehow it doesn't feel true that it is your own hand.
# I am a superhero!
Since you dissociate yourself from reality during an episode, you become anything but you. Some cases report believing they are dead or invisible during an episode. In my case, I become invisible, asking people if they can see me. Or a superhero (feeling super strong like nothing could hurt you) or a vampire (yep, I legit crave blood and shit) with no emotions. I don't take action on that. I don't hurt or bite people, but I feel the urge to do so and I can smell their blood and all. But I distract myself, be it reading or watching a movie. Or if I'm at work going to the bathroom and not coming back until the episode is gone.
# Who the fuck are these people?
People would be talking to you or around you and you'd be thinking to yourself:
Are these people really my parents/ friends etc.? Where do I know them from?
How can I tell this person is actually my friend and not a stranger who has possessed my friend's body?
# You are in pain
You feel emotionally wretched after a while and you become somewhat used to the feeling and don't want to let it go no matter how painful it is.
All in all, guys, NO, I do not wish it upon you. Because it can be scary at times and there is no cure for it that I know of neither does my therapist.
Especially if you are experiencing it for the first time, you can feel frightened. Now I've gotten a little used to it and I don't experience it all the time. At least now I know how to deal with it with some coping skills that either I developed over time or my therapist advised me.
If you are also dealing with it and want to know about my coping skills let me know!
Hope this was helpful and remember these are all based on MY own experiences. Each person is different. I'm no shrink and in no position to give medical advice.
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