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How to spot an asshole

mrmog

The fun chancer

The fun chancer is your BEST friend - as long as you’re having fun. Like you laugh about the same things, you meet cause you coincidentally have time. But he gets bored real soon. For a time, you’re close. You talk about very personal stuff. He tells you his problems. And he’s happy how you console and help him. And he does the same for you. But after a while…


Maybe there’s a time when you don’t have that much time. Or you quit something you did together, like some sort of sports, or game or whatever. And for a week or two you spend less time together. He meets different people. Just like you do. But you still remember he is a real close friend, and so you still ask about what’s going on in his life. And tell him what’s going in yours. But for some reason, he responds way less. And then you realize he talks about his personal affairs to someone else. The one he spends most time with at the moment. No matter how close they were before.

Three wheeling can come unexpected
Three wheeling can come unexpected

And, to make it worse, when you meet him more often again, he suddenly starts talking to you about all that stuff again. This is the time to say: “Get lost - asshole.”

The famous one

You just met someone. He’s real fun. You immediately talk the same language. You have so much fun. And you meet again. And again. And it’s fun! You share the same views, and hardly ever argue. You listen to the same music, watch the same movies. And you share so many jokes, and have real good laughs.


But after a while you meet less often. Naturally, both of you know different people. But while you try to get back to him, he virtually never has time. Instead he tells you how he met those people, and these people, and how much fun they are. There’s a difference to the fun chancer. The famous one is actually honest. He wants to know and be friends with EVERYONE at once. He just does not realize it does not work. The fact he really is a fun guy, and most people like him immediately, just creates some illusion he cannot escape.

You can't choose everybody
You can't choose everybody

He seems sincere for a while. After you did not talk for like 9 months he suddenly thinks of your birthday and writes some real nice message, and asks so many questions about what happened in your life the last months. You’re kinda touched. You reply. In great detail. And ask back what’s going on in his life. And that’s it. No more response from him. This is the time to say: “Get lost - asshole.”

The poor one

You probably know someone who always has a rough ride. His car is just uncomfortable. His job is a real drag. His parents are sooo mean. His/Her boy/girlfriend is even meaner. And anyway, whatever goes wrong in your life, his life is WORSE. Way worse. He always complains. Ok, he’s a friend, so you wanna help. You try. You listen. You give advice. And if it does not work, you listen. At least. So many people left him alone, but you’re different. He obviously needs help.


He probably does. But have you realized he never asks for your problems? And if you try to tell him, he does not want to hear about that? All he does is tell you how much worse life is for him. He might even get angry, cause you complain about trivia, while he has REAL problems?

How to spot an asshole

Not every “poor guy” is completely egocentric. Maybe give them a chance. But when things never change for YEARS, this is the time to say: “Get lost - asshole.”

The nice guy

This is male-specific, for the most part. Actually, girls can be “nice girls”, too. But often times it does not matter so much, cause girls are usually physically weaker than guys. Why does that matter? Cause nice guys rape.


A “nice guy” is a “nice guy”, cause he’s nice at first. But a real nice guy is a firm believer in being nice in a superficial way for 10 minutes gives him the eternal privilege of treating the girl he was nice to like shit for the rest of her life. And he does just that. Cause he also believes those "bitches" dig that.

"Happy" couple Ike and Tina Turner

How to detect such a nice guy? Of course you can never 100% know before it’s too late. But there are some hints.

1: Is he a “poor one”? These guys almost always are also “nice guys”.

2: Are you a guy yourself? Nice guys talk degoratively about girls when they are around guys. Do they joke about how women are bitches, wrong, liars, fake, manipulative, and only digs asshole that treat them like dirt? And does he think he is the one they dig? If he's serious about that, he's probably a nice guy.

3: Does he have any facial expression between “grin” and “strict”? If not, do both of these expressions seem contrived or strained? A real nice guy is like a sociopath. He will probably not be able to have an honest expression.

4: Does he verbally attack random people? Like when someone does or says something he does not like, does he call him an idiot and make fun of him? Or if someone dares to do or say something that may make him look bad, does he freak out? Or immediately try to convince you what a complete asshole and stupid idiot that was? Nice guys never are nice to anybody else but themselves and the girl they wanna own.

5: Does he have a great sense of sarcastic humor as long as the (sometimes really funny) jokes are about strangers or you. But as soon as someone makes fun of him, he becomes real quiet, even upset? Nice guys cannot stand anything to be said about themselves, unless it praises them.

6: Does he honestly like being praised? Many people would feel awkward when you applaud them too much. But a nice guy is never embarrassed for any idealization of himself. He would, instead, strangely seriously agree.

7: Does he ask you to accompany him to be “alone” with him like the first or second time you meet? A nice guy would kinda demand it. A “normal” guy, even if he’s really lovestruck, would remain hypothetical at first. He might talk about how nice it would be if you had the chance to spend way more time together, and talk about whatever you want. And drop hints he would like to do it right now. A nice guy can’t think in a passive way. He would ask you or tell you to come with him, so you can finally be alone with him, the only decent guy around. May seem tempting if he’s attractive, but don’t confuse confidence with high-handedness. A confident guy can handle being rejected. A nice guy cannot.

8: Rejection. If you finally say: “Get lost - asshole”, a nice guy will lose it. Run, and never look back!

How to spot an asshole
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