Dealing in death care day in and day out is not all gloom and sadness. We sometimes get thank you cards and letters from children, usually on one of the thank you cards we furnish families (to write notes to those who send flowers, provide food, or donate in the deceased's name to a church or charity). One thing you can count on with kids, even with awkward phrasing and misspellings, you’re going to get the unvarnished, unfiltered truth. They say exactly what’s on their mind. I get them from adult members of families we provide service to as well, but nothing can match what these youngsters write. They make me laugh, and they warm my heart. I respond to them all. One thing to keep in mind that it’s been a longstanding family business tradition to include a crisp uncirculated bank note ($10) or a gift card with our reply, so I realize the word is out and some kids write anticipating they’ll get something out of it. After all, who doesn't want free stuff?
Here are some of my favorites, all unedited with mistakes and all (along with my gratuitous commentary or explanation, where needed, in parentheses) for your reading enjoyment.
(When nature calls, we understand.)
“Thank you for all you did for my gramps funral. Sorry I couldn’t stay for the whole thing. I had to poop.”
(Yes, funerals can be really long, especially the Catholic Mass of Christian Burial.)
“Everybody at the funeral home was really nice. The funeral service was good but could you tell the priest he did not need to talk for so long. It was talk talk talk talk bla bla bla bla bla. I asked my mom when he would shut up and got in trouble for it. But really.”
(My name is always going to be a challenge, and I have a date scheduled a long way out.)
“Dear Sirse. Thanks lots for letting me play in your office. When I die I don’t want church music and people being sad. I want people to sing and dance and play with light sabers. When I am older I want to go have a pizza with you. You need to get a real name. Amy would be good. What do you think?”
(Yes, my unofficial comfort dog usually steals the show. To hell with everyone else.)
“Dear Miss. Everything was good so thank you. Your dog was really cool. I mean you are cool but your dog is way more cooler. Sorry just being honest.”
(This little girl confessed to theft during the pandemic, but clearly had no remorse or regrets.)
“Thank you for everything you did. I took two rolls of toilet paper from the womans bathroom at grandma’s funeral. We could not find any anwhere and was out at home. We needed it real bad. I didn’t take it all just what we needed. I’m not selfish. I also took some candy but there was a man who said I could have some. Thanks for that.”
(Not all kid reviews are favorable. Another restroom complaint from another little girl who makes a valid point. And she got right to the point. The message was clear: fix your shit, lady. I’m short, so I can relate. But as far as we know, she didn’t steal any toilet paper. Looks like getting some low riders will be in the next remodel.)
“You need to think about girls more. Boys have things they pee in that are low. Your ladies room toilets are just too tall. I have to jump up and my feet dangle. Think about us will you? Toilets lower near the floor would be nice. You’re a girl you should know this.”
(Some notes are really brief.)“Thanks for everything. Dead bodies are just gross.”
(Some kids come easily to grips with death and, in their own way, can wax philosophical.)
“I know all about death. My dog died. We all will die some day. Me. Even you. That’s a fact. My dog got buried in the back yard. When I die I want to be buryed. Not in the back yard. That’s for dogs and cats. I want to be buryed in a nice place like on a hill. Where do you want to be buryed? You can be buryed next to me if you want. You would be fun to be buryed next to just sayin. You’re really nice. Thank you.”
(My Asian heritage can be odd for some kids.)
“Hello. I don’t know where you from. You just look different. Are you from Iowa? I saw people that look like you in Iowa. So you must be from Iowa. Can you eat with chop sticks? I don’t know how. Sincerly.”
(The girl power is strong on this one. She got a free hearse ride out of it.)
“Hello I did not know that girls could be funeral directioners. Applause applause! That is good because girls need to be in jobs too! Its really cool you know how to fold a flag, My dad was a marine he said you did it just right good job! I’d like to ride in your herse. I bet I could drive it when I’m old enough. See you!”
(My height, or lack of it, is sometimes more of a conversation topic than my heritage.)
“My family was happy with the funeral for my pop pop. Just wondering do you get to ride on rides at Worlds of Fun. You don’t look tall enough. I’m not very tall ether. Some rides I can’t ride at Worlds of Fun. Some day I will. If you have quit growing you are probably screwd. I’m sorry.”
(This little Romeo was pretty persistent.)
“Hi Saoirse, it is me, Danny from the funeral yesterday. I really like you. Girls my age are really stupid but you’re not. When I get my drivers lisense I want to take you out to Sonic for a hamburger. Do you have a boy friend? I hope not because I would have to fight him for you. I would win. You are pretty. I can write poems. Call me sometime and talk. I’d like that. Your boy friend Danny.”
(This was the end of a chain of notes. Two boys wrote thank you notes and in return I sent each a note with $10 in it. This was one of the boys’ reply.)
“Saoirse, thank you for the money. I put it in my savings account. My brother spent his at Walmart. He wasted it. I mean just pissed it away. He’s a idiot.”
Hope you enjoyed 😊
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