Being a Minister During COVID, and what it Taught me about Living, Loss and Grief

[ludorock]

What I really want to talk about right now is grief. The grief we feel when friends, family, mentors or people we care about die. I want to talk about the grief we feel when someone we don't care about, or don't want to care about dies. I want to talk about the grief we experience through the loss of our dreams, our hopes and through the disappointment of failure.

See, all of these things are grief - and most of the time we don't acknowledge it that way. As a minister in training I alternately attended and lead a weekly grief group at my church and it taught me a lot. I first started going when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, but I soon realized that there are thousands, millions of ways that grief happens in our lives. The loss of pets, of people, of a future that we wanted... They all need grieving, and often times we don't acknowledge that, or maybe even know it at all.

I'm a ministerial candidate, I've completed my classes, an internship and had lots of practice and studies in the matters of grief, and I want to share a little bit of what I've learned with you. I want to share because it's important, it's often overlooked, and we end up doing so much harm when we don't handle grief well.

1. We cannot compare grief, all grief is different. In my grief group we had people there who were morning the loss of their dogs, others who were mourning the loss of friends, and some who were mourning the loss of their spouses. Not once did any one accuse anyone else of not understanding, of not being as impacted, or of being foolish. Grief can make us spiteful and angry, and it does that well. But what it comes down to is that grief is grief and there is no measure for it, and what we must do is honor each other's grief. It's not about who has it worse, it's about how we can all heal together, because we are all of us grieving something, whether or not we know it.

2. Everyone's journey will be different. Some people will take time to realize their grief, some people may feel it immediately. Some people will heal more quickly, others may feel as though they are never healed. We must respect those differences, not everyone's journey will follow the same way. It doesn't matter if it feels like something we would have healed from already, and it doesn't matter if it's something that we would never heal from - every person deserves respect and understanding and compassion. All grief is real, and we must honor it.

3. Most people have heard of the grieving (and dying) process described as DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance), but it's never as simple as that. These stages come in any and every order, and we move backwards and forwards through them constantly when we're grieving. Sometimes we skip steps, sometimes we add other steps, it's messy. And it's not easy, and it's not a straightforward process like we've been shown in TV and media.

4. It's okay to be happy when you're grieving. It doesn't matter what loss you're healing from, it is okay to be happy, to experience joy, and to want to have fun. It is important to let yourself step out of grief, it is important to allow yourself to heal. Healing doesn't mean letting go of the past, it doesn't mean moving beyond your grief - it means moving forward with your grief. Part of that means being happy, living your life, doing the things you've always done. It may feel awful to have been happy, it may feel disrespectful, but it's not. In that same vein - if you see someone partying, celebrating or otherwise having fun and joy after a loss, be happy for them. They are figuring out how to live in their new normal, not being cruel.

5. Welcome to the new normal. After any loss, after any process of grief the world will fundamentally not be the same. You will not be the same. Sometimes we feel the weight of this new normal every single day, sometimes we settle into the new normal and only feel the grief and pain on particular occasions or with certain triggers. Sometimes it's a mix of the two. It all depends, and there is no right or wrong way to move into and through your new normal. But it is a new normal, and things won't feel the same, and that's okay.

6. We must not try to heal people, we must support them where they are, witness them and be spiritually present with them.

7. It's okay for you to not feel grief in a "traditional" way. Grieving is a complicated thing. I lost a very dear, life-long mentor a while ago, right in the middle of my realization that they were not the hero I thought they were, but before I could reconcile with the complex reality of who they were. My own grieving process looked very different, and that's okay. If your partner or parent was abusive, and they die, the grief you feel will be different and complicated, and possibly not look like grief at all. Grief isn't a prescribed list of emotions, it's the journey of acknowledging, understanding and processing someone's death and all the (happy and sad) emotions that come with it.

8. It's okay to grieve about losses that were not living beings. I have a terrible memory, and I grieve sometimes for what I've forgotten. Lost jewelry or objects that were important. The loss of a certain future or dream that we had. It's okay to grieve for society as a whole, for all the pain in the world, and the reality that we live in. Not only is it okay - but we should grieve for all those things.

"Never discard anything without saying thank you and good-bye." - Marie Kondo

9. Most importantly - grief is a journey, and we all must constantly be working through and processing all the losses we face, big and small every day. From death, to not getting a job, to someone cancelling on a dinner date, to being out of milk after you've already poured a bowl of cereal. It may sound silly but the constant losses and disappointments in a day, in a week, in a month - in a life time all add up, and we need to make sure we're facing them and healing and moving forward.

I hope this helps someone. I hope we all have the opportunities heal our wounds as best we can. Go in peace, and with love.

[SaoirseS]

Nice take. As a funeral home owner/operator/funeral director, my perspective is different. No major disagreement with anything you wrote, however.

[ludorock]

I worked closely with a funeral home director a few times during my internship. I have a lot of respect for y'all. There's many pieces of your job that I am really floored by, and the work that you do with the families the ways you work with them to help them get what they need emotionally/spiritually from the dying/burial process is huge. It's such an important job that I never realized until I started on my Ministerial journey.

[SaoirseS]

Thank you for the kind words. As I'm sure you recognize, death care is mostly about caring for the living. We can do nothing for the remains except treat them with care and dignity, and prepare them for their final committal. It's more than just a business, it's about people. In that respect we have a lot in common. One of the most fascinating aspects of work for me is the number of people I get to meet from all walks of life. We handle services for all faiths. Everyone's take on dying, death, and grief is just a little different - even among clergymen of the same faith. One of the most important points you make is that there is no one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with grief. I wish you all the best in your most important profession.

[msc545]

Thanks - very helpful.