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So many random thoughts going through my head right now.
I just got into a heated argument with three female users on this site. Not angry arguments, but disagreements. They don't understand my big insecurity. Why me being an inadequate, shitty, short, inferior, below acceptable, worthless, feminine size in stature, is something I would dislike. Miss J, Miss D, and newcomer Miss S, don't seem to get it.
They even go so far as to call me literally the most disgusting, most despicable thing you can call a human being: average. Fucking worthless beyond all hope. Literally disposable, meaningless, useless, insignificant, and so on. A living creature you could shoot dead between the eyes and feel nothing for. THAT is what "average" is. And no, I am not disposable trash. People who talk negatively about me, and say I shouldn't be upset about being genetically useless, will say one of two things to me: They will lie ("You are tall") or they will give me the ultimate backhanded compliment like that ("You are a worthless human being with no value or meaning whatsoever, also known as 'average,' but you should be glad to be worthless, disposable, and without any value.")
It's hard for Normies to understand my insecurity related to being small and weak, but the best way I can describe it is this: There are three kinds of people in this world.
1) Those whose genetic code should go on to be replicated and advance the human species: The tall, the fit, the healthy, etc.
2) Those whose code is sub-standard, but can offer more to the world than their DNA: The extra-short, the ugly, the overweight, etc. That is, assuming their personalities and contributions to the world are there. Suffering usually produces genius.
And then, 3) there's the objectively valueless. Normies refer to this as "average." The worthless of the worthless. Common. Disposable. Useless. Meaningless. Insignificant. Worth less than the grass used to feed the cows that these useless fucks eat at a burger shop.
THAT is the difference.
Now, being called short, ugly, inferior, etc... That hurts, but it is tolerable. After all, I failed to complete a proper puberty. I failed to grow to the size of a proper adult. An Alpha class out of the social castes. Or hell, not even a class Beta, out of the caste. I accept that, even if I dislike it. And I DO dislike it. That's the second one, above.
But the thing I do NOT accept? Being option three. Having people refer to me as FUCKING AVERAGE! That I'm some worthless piece of shit nothing and nobody, like human cattle. I know I'm anything but.
There's literally only two things in the world that offends me: willful ignorance and stupidity from others, and mediocrity. Human stupidity is tolerable, because it's oh-so-abundant. But mediocrity? Worthlessness? Being indirectly told by people that I should have been aborted, because even aborted fetuses have more value than what I am, aka, told I'm "average"? No. Fuck you and FUCK that!
Normies aren't going to understand why it's insulting beyond words to be called worthless and literally so valueless, you might as well have been aborted. That you have less value than a random chicken at KFC because mediocre, worthless, AVERAGE human beings aren't eaten like cows and chickens are. So if you are a mediocre, worthless Normie, then you don't belong here.
However, those with some modicum of intelligence gets it. What is the meaning of life? Whatever you make it, right? But in order to continue that life, you do have to surround yourself with other creatures, right? Humans. This world is run due to the contributions and efforts of the exceptional. The geniuses. The hard-working. And sometimes, even due to the selfish, corrupt, and destructible.
You know who doesn't contribute literally anything to society, though? The 'average.' The mediocre. The useless. Some people work hard and do their jobs, whether they be blue collar jobs or white collar jobs. But then some people sit on their ass, doing nothing, contributing nothing, taking up resources, releasing more methane into the atmosphere, polluting the planet, and being parasites in the most direct sense. This is what average is. A parasite and nothing more.
Every single fiber of my being works hard to reject EVER being called that! I work my ass off every day! I want a better world than this Clown World shit we're all living in! I do my best to lead by example! To teach others what they need to do in my job. To help out others in any way I can.
So to have ALL of that reduced down to, "you're average, you don't fucking matter, you life means nothing," legitimately does upset me. And yes, I get it. On this tiny blue marble, none of us really matter. On a galactic scale, all humans are worthless. But on a human scale, though? No, I am NOT fucking "average!" I DO have value! And I DO try to make this shitball a better place to live on, one day at a time!
So to have all my work, merits, and efforts to try to make this shitty society better, all flushed away and reduced away by being told, "you're average," makes me legitimately want to punch the shit out of someone's face till they're red. I know what I fucking do. I know that this reality isn't the way people should live. And that NONE OF US should ever be called "average" or any other terms for disposable and meaningless, ever again. Unless you choose to be that. Of course, in an ideal society, no one would ever choose to be insignificant and valueless. Although in THIS society, people do choose it, all the time. Even when I try to tell people not to think of themselves as flushable human DNA, they still try to call themselves that. As if they're some worthless pile of literal shit to be flushed.
This goes back to my outer shell. Not a single fucking thing about it, is acceptable to me. Not the ethnicity I wish I never was. Not the ugly fucking face. Not the tiny 6.5" dick. Not the weight or excess pounds. Not the hypothyroidism. And certainly not the shitty, small, weak, inferior size of it.
Again, Normies won't understand this. So I'll use another analogy. It's like how transpeople believe they are women on the inside, but male on the outside. I don't try to take that away from any transperson, even if I can't accept calling a biological male a "woman" or "she/her." Like, I will fully allow transpeople the right to believe whatever THEY believe themselves to be.
The same applies to me. I may know in my heart of hearts that I am greater the shitty, small, weak, inferior, useless, and to some people, fuckin' "average height" body that I am. My mind is so much greater than the shitty worthless shell it's a permanent prisoner in. I mean, Stephen Hawking had the same issue as me, but just exaggerated in everything. He was a super-genius, with an even more fucked up body. And I am nowhere near his level of intellect, although my body is barely any better. This useless fucking 180 cm sack of shit.
I won't even get into how much of a serial killer I'd be if my body itself was actually another person and how much I'd stab it with a knife repeatedly until the blade eroded. THAT is how much I hate this broken fucking shell I had the curse to be stuck in. To have Precocious Puberty and stop growing by the fucking age of ten. To watch all my friends leave me in high school because they literally outgrew me, while I was stuck down here, all alone like a permanent ten year old. To have women outgrow me, then laugh in my face for them being taller than my manlet ass.
I am not kidding when I said I loathe and despise my body enough that I'd legitimately murder it if it was a real person. All my hopes, dreams, aspirations... Cut short by being socially and genetically inferior. What I call short, what others who are kind would call "not tall," and what the biggest mouth-breather jackasses would call "average." To deem me as being THAT invaluable and meaningless to society? You have no idea how long that stung me. How that even still stings sometimes.
But the thing is... I am not shitty-ass worthlessness. Mediocrity. Failure. Uselessness. That is not me. That's what's on the surface, and that's all some people can see me as. But it's not truly who or what I am. And it's time I stopped feeling sorry for myself because I have a fucked up, useless body that will never produce any children, or have a female partner to lie next to it.
It is HARD beyond words to not feel upset by being denied every single thing you wanted in life due to being born weak, inferior, and genetic trash; what some idiots refer to as "average." A valueless hunk of meat with less value than a cow. But *mentally*? I'm so much more than that. SO MUCH fucking more than "worthless." Even if people every day, for the rest of my life, try to reduce me down to being nothing more than a useless pile of flesh and bones that's worth less than an aborted fetus, I know I am so much more than that! Even if others are blind to see it. Even if I help a million people without so much as a single Thank You from them. My life DOES have more meaning than the shitty worthless shell it's stuck in.
My physical body may not be acceptable to women in the world. It may be weak, and small, and useless, and undesirable, and something that no one wants. I may not ever be loved by another woman because all women will ever be able to see is "average" dogshit at worse, and "small and weak and puny" at best. But I read something on one of my posts.
She said that we are more than how the world sees us and who loves and accepts us or not. I gave it Most Helpful Opinion.
It's not about other people accepting you. It's not even about accepting your own flaws and failures. It's about being more than your flaws and failures.
This seems so simple and yet, so alien and hard to understand.
IT'S ABOUT BEING MORE THAN JUST YOUR FLAWS.
My problem? I never had a loving mother or family growing up. I sought out love and acceptance from superficial sources, like strong and popular. And when all of that went away due to having fucking Precocious Puberty, I felt lost and hopeless and back to being unloved again. So I put all my worth in superficial value. Being big and strong and athletic and good looking and popular as a pre-teen and teenager. And it all went away from me.
As an adult, I had even less acceptance and love. I found one woman - just ONE WOMAN - who was willing to accept me in the past, before she met her demise a few weeks before her 23rd birthday, and that was it. But she never saw me as "average." Despite her being bigger than me at almost 6'4", she never reduced me down to being weak and meaningless. She easily could have. But didn't. So if Kaitlyn could see me as more than just my weak, inferior body, why can't I? What's stopping me besides the meaningless opinions of a few dumbasses who'd think of me as being average human waste?
I know what I'm capable of. Just because women won't ever accept me or possibly ever see me as anything more than "worthless average dogshit," doesn't mean I AM worthless average dogshit. I know beyond a doubt I'm not. This tug of war in my brain between my emotions and my logical side has to stop! I may have never been loved my entire life, outside of possibly one year with one woman, but...
But... It's time I started to "love myself." A term and phrase so utterly cringeworthy, I literally recoil and get tense shoulders thinking about it. After all, who could ever love and accept something others would deem useless trash? Worthless? 'Average'? It's a discussion for another day if something that is worthless to society is still deserving of love. That's basically a TED Talk on abortion.
I've been running away from it my whole life, thinking I was unworthy of love. From my abusive mother, from the classmates who school out grew taller than me and dismissed me as valuable, from women in general who refuse to date men my height. Almost every single presence in my entire existence has raised me and taught me that I was unworthy of love, ESPECIALLY by calling me "average," the most insignificant disposable valueless thing a human being can be. But I think it's time.
I think it's pretty obvious being stuck with a genetically shitty body like this, only 180 cm and all, that I'm never going to find love again from anyone else. Kaitlyn was a fluke. There IS no other woman out there for me. So, what am I supposed to do? Just live the rest of my life miserable and unloved? No. I think, it's finally time I started to make my own love. To "love myself." As broken and flawed and unattractive as I am. After all, it's easy to love a genetically perfect human being. But to love something deformed and fucked-up? Something that should've been aborted, or worse? No. THAT IS HARD!
So how do I start to "love myself?" Maybe by forgiving my body. For ending up as useless and undesirable as it is. I've legitimately always looked at you as being the sworn enemy I've been stuck in a prison cell my entire life with. The thing I'd stab to death, if I didn't exist inside of. But the truth is, you came from fucked up circumstances. You know your mom drank and smoke while pregnant with you. You know your mother was a piece of shit who probably should've been aborted herself. You didn't come from positive circumstances, so how COULD you be anything more than a 180 cm piece of shit? Deformed and all "average." You should've been aborted, had your shitty mother had any common sense. But you weren't. Now what?
We've got to make the best of this shit situation. You had from 17 to 31 to see therapists; thirteen of them in fact. You may be the diarrhea shit dripping out of your mother's cooch. But you now have the opportunity to do so much more than that. Regardless of who notices it.
You have to start by loving yourself. Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do. Almost no one has ever loved you. The closest person who did died before she reached 23. So you're all on your own.
Make something that matters. Do the best you can with the worthless piece-of-shit 'average' body you've got. Women will never accept you as you are, and most men will lack the capacity to understand why you'd be angry at being disposable waste of a human being. But it's time to stop giving a fuck what THEY think.
So this is to my body... The pile of genetic goo that came out my mother. The inferior, 180 cm worthless pile that no other woman would want, and that others would call "average."
I FORGIVE YOU.
You are anything but what I would've wanted. You have no positives whatsoever other than housing my own brain and mind. But I forgive you. Now, like Ted Bundy's mother, I have to learn to love you anyway. As broken and flawed as you are, I have to learn to love you. Part of me feels like you REALLY don't deserve it! But you didn't ask to be what you are, no more than I asked to be trapped inside your skull.
So what now? Daniela on here suggested Bariatric Surgery, since you seem so unwilling to lose any fucking weight from years of wasting time at the gym. Guess that will be the plan for this year, 2022. And although I know you're incapable of it, I've always wanted to be a weightlifting master. Since you're incapable of doing any martial arts properly. And I know; you're going to fail. You're not genetically capable to lift heavy weights anymore than you are to have a woman love you. But let's just fucking try it, anyway.
I forgive you, body. And I'll learn to love you, even if others call you "average." So let's start working together, and stop trying to kill each other. I will learn to... (sigh) LOVE YOU.
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