So, this is my post-reflection from the feedback I got from GirlsAskGuys users.
What would you say I need to work on or improve about myself and personality?
I appreciate most of the answers.
It's 2am and I'm sitting in my apartment, looking out the window. I hear my contract is going to be renewed at work for a second year and I might get a raise. I'm sitting trying to appreciate life, even though my Gmail account got hacked and I have no way to recover it right now, and I'm thinking about how I'm alone - like I always do, everyday - and how this November 1st, will be the ten year anniversary that Kaitlyn died. I suppose there are "good things" to be grateful for. But emotions are funny like that. They don't adhere to logic.
I wouldn't call myself an emotional person, but I tend to be less happy than happy. In fact, at the risk of sounding like an edgelord, I've literally never been happy before. I look at it like a video game bar or meter. 50% would be content, 25% would be upset (sad + angry), 10% would be furious or depressed, and 75% would be fairly happy. I've only ever reached 50% once and that was one night after sleeping with Kaitlyn. Looking into her blue eyes, and thinking I could actually spend the rest of my life with this one woman and I wouldn't mind that or be afraid of it one bit.
Sure, my job was sh*tty, I was still living at home and could only ever see her at her place, and I was on a hiatus from college due to unfair loans they charged me for (I dropped a class and submitted the form to registration, but the staff quit the job and my class was never "dropped" and they said I owed money for the class because the staff members quit and never dropped me like they were supposed to, so I refused to pay and spent several years, 2010 to 2014, with my education halted). I had a LOT of problems, but I at least had her back then.
That was 2012. She was my whole year, pretty much, before her apartment fire, passing away the night after Halloween. Long story short, we had a "midnight walk" date planned, as it was the only time our schedules were both free and we were going to walk the city and stare at the stars and talk. And I was supposed to get off work at this security desk position at 11pm, which wasn't far from where she lived. But my relief never showed up and got lost in traffic or something. So I couldn't leave and our midnight walk through the city was canceled as I texted her, so she went to sleep shortly after. I was forced to do a double shift and when this fat piece of f*cking sh*t finally showed up at 1am, two hours late, I told him to go the f*ck home. Had he not f*cked-up, she probably wouldn't have been home when the old warehouse apartment complex burst in flames. The whole building came down. Only two people didn't survive though; her and a young teen. Guess who got all the news coverage? She was on the top floor and the building wasn't fully rented out yet, so I guess it makes sense.
Anyway, the point is, she had a calming effect on me. No matter how bad my life got, at least I still had her. She was the one thing that made all the other BS worth it, including being stuck at home with my abusive mom and working a dead-end job while not in college. But then, I didn't have her. She was taken from us; me and her family lost her. I was the only one who didn't cry. I guess, I was used to not being able to keep good things around very long. It was sad, but not at all surprising what happened.
Ever since then, more and more bad sh*t has happened to me, and I've gotten more and more angry and bitter at life. I mean, I grew up in the most negative city in the country, Philadelphia and I had an abusive mother and only met my dad like three times in my life, so negativity was present from the very beginning there. I've pretty much been robbed at every single opportunity and I can honestly 100% say that few of the bad things in my life are entirely my fault and aren't just sh*tty luck/getting f*cked over by others. I've always worked hard, but what good will that get you in a world where people f*ck each other over to get ahead?
I did pay off that unfair debt and went back to college in January 2015, only to be wrongfully accused of "stalking" some piece of sh*t feminist that didn't like a big black male in her English Lit classroom the following Summer. Three years in a lawsuit and having to start all over again in a new university and all I got to show for it was some sh*tty worthless out-of-court settlement because "they have more lawyers than us." Even the actual judge begged me to take the "f*ck you" pity money. $43,000 to pay back half of my tuition I wasted at that school and pay off one semester at my new school. The amount I sued for was $250,000 in wasted time, tuition, damages, and targeted discrimination under Title IX. So instead of graduating in Fall 2015 like originally planned, I didn't graduate until May 2019 because of some feminist cunt named Nella who I'd gladly be happy was as dead nowadays like Kaitlyn is. Yup. Story of my life: Always getting f*cked over, no matter what.
The only real "break" I got in life was shortly after graduating and moving to South Korea. Of course, my first year was a nightmare working at the worst academy chain in the country. But I managed to leave the US right before COVID broke out in November 2019 and had I been in the US during the BLM riots, I 100% guaranteed would've shot and killed several BLM c*cksuckers in those pointless f*cking riots. My Glock has a laser sight and the extra $60 was worth it.
So... I missed the whole "collapse of America" thing. And while South Korea is far from perfect, it's serene compared to the daily Culture War going on in the US right now. This November will mark the three year anniversary since I've been here. And since my first two years were at sh*t jobs with low pay, I haven't REALLY actually had any life stability since September 2021. Yes, only about ONE YEAR where things haven't been overwhelmingly sh*t every single day of my life. It's still hard to "mellow out" in just one year.
That's why I'm very grateful for my current job, despite it being in the middle of nowhere, Korea. No one even knows what a "Suwon" is. It's boring as hell here in Hwaseo-dong and this city is basically the Korean equivalent of Cincinnati, but whatever. At least no BLM or ANTIFA here. But besides Kaitlyn, it's legit the first thing I have to be grateful for.
I look at life like a pie chart. How much do you need to have in order to truly be happy? Health, Stability, Family, Friends, a Relationship, Confidence, Career, and Life Goals. Most of my life, I've never had more two of these at once, in my life. Not once! Some would be impossible to have, such as (fraternal) family, or height/health. And when I had one of them, like career or friends, I'd be sorely lacking in another, like a loving relationship or confidence. However, the one that gave me the most enjoyment was her. Kaitlyn. I know people say "you should never rely or depend on another for happiness." And I can't say they're wrong. But again, when are emotions ever logical?
So while the past ten years have been a sh*t tornado of chaos, at thirty-five, I finally have some stability here in South Korea, even though at best, I'm only at 20% happiness. So yeah, if I seem like a negative person, then ALL OF THAT I just talked about, is why. You try growing up anything not wealthy in Philadelphia and see how happy and well-adjusted you end up in that f*cking toilet of a town filled with assholes from ear to ear.
But I am working on improving myself, like I always do, and recently asked the GirlsAskGuys userbase what things I need to work on the most, since I've been on the site for two years now.
Here's what GAG users said I need to work on the most:
"Be less negative." (10)
"Stop worrying about being short." (9)
"'Be less offensive." (4)
"Be nicer to the women." (3)
"You're an incel." (2)
"Be less Black." (1)
"Get a haircut." (1)
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Okay... "Be less negative." I am REALLY working on that. I hear, the way to build up ego and self-worth is to have a resumé of small victories built up over a lifetime, so you can point at them and see why you have a reason to be so prideful. However, my personal trophy case is empty, as I've talked about. I have no victories to point at. So this one is hard. However, I guess I can be less negative by just not talking so much. And I HAVE been working on that!
"Stop talking about being a short little oompa-loompa bitch manlet midget shrimp dwarf hobbit loser so much..." Well, I am trying. Like I said many times before, being in literally the worst of both worlds and being a genetically useless, throw-away "generic human being" is something I struggle with a lot. Especially since I suffered from Precocious Puberty and literally stopped growing at age ten. Ten! And I was athletic at the time too, being nearly adult-sized as a child, only for normal everyday non-athletic women to overgrow me, as an adult.
I always use this analogy in my head, but I went from being Superman to Christopher Reeve. And that really IS the best and most accurate analogy I can give. I was a schoolyard god as a child. Athletic in everything. Perfect grades. Using school success and prestige as a substitute for the love I never got at home. Things were working out great.
Now in the 2020s, six feet tall is the new normal for women and I'm left behind like genetic garbage. Obsolete in a world that's evolved beyond me. You have no idea how much this tortures me. How much I *loathe* it. How much I'd beat it to death in the face with a brick and my bare hands if it was another living person. The extent of being physically weak and valueless as a 'disposable human being' is something I cannot describe in mere words. But using a cancer analogy is pretty close. That's how far the fall from grace was.
So I can shut the f*ck up about my height with enough practice and resistance, but I will *NEVER* forgive my body for what it did to me. You try forgiving someone who ra ped and killed your wife, daughter, and dog and got off on a technicality in court, and that'll come close to how much hate I have for what my own body did to me.
"'Be less offensive." People do annoy me, I admit. Especially those who have been given everything and still find a way to be negative and hateful. If you were me, you'd have a valid reason to be negative. You'd probably be a career felon if you went through half the crap I went through. (Not that I'm not saying other people haven't went through hard sh*t, either.) But you don't see me telling the girl who's been ra ped seven times "just cheer up and stop being so negative ya sourpuss."
But GAG is right... I need to be a nicer person. I need to realize that this is the internet and opinions are like asses here. I had an old quote I made up, that I thought would be good to live by. If people were less dumb, then they'd have the self-awareness to not say stupid things so much. But they can't help that. So I shouldn't get mad at them.
"Be nicer to the women" and "You're an incel." No, I'm not. I hate humanity equally. The correct word you're looking for is "misanthrope." I'm a misanthrope.
And I'm trying to be nicer! Eminem ain't got sh*t on me! 😂
Most men and women are both pretty stupid. Women just get away with more stupid things, more often, because calling them out on it is "sexism" nowadays, apparently. While men get called stupid just for existing and that isn't "sexist" for some reason. This isn't even getting into the abusive mother and all the abusive cruel exes who weren't Kaitlyn that would give me a legitimate reason to be an actual misogynist, even though I'm not.
But yeah, lots of women get to skate by on life being incredibly dumb and never called out on it. Especially when you're a six foot tall California pop tart of a girl who's never had to work hard a day in her life and never had real friends growing up and your biggest problem is "patriarchy" and "systemic racism," none of which you've ever personally experienced, but read about a lot on Twitter and Reddit... When you're that, you will annoy me and make me want to disrespect you.
So once again, I shouldn't get mad at them. It's not their fault I'm short, ugly, and undateable, which automatically makes a man "an incel" in their eyes. It's like getting mad at a dog for chasing its own tail. Or getting mad at women for only dating Chads, then complaining about infidelity and being treated badly 24/7 and going "where have all the good men gone." (That was a joke.) Rest assured though, I get annoyed at stupid men just as much. Maybe deep down inside, I'm envious. I wish I could be that successful with such few brain cells. Is this what being AOC or Biden is like?
"Be less Black." This one was because I live in South Korea. Sorry, but I tried that before. Uncle Ruckus made up the whole re-vitiligo thing.
And no, I'm not offended or anything. I don't see myself as "black." I don't even really see myself as "human." I didn't choose to be the height or race I am. My inner being looks more like this.
"Get you a barber and get a fade or a taper." There are no black barbers or black-people-hair barbers in South Korea. There ARE black people in Seoul, though. South Africans. But they don't cut hair; just skin with a switchblade.
But yeah, out of the feedback, I really need to stop talking about the fact that I'm a manlet-man, midget-midget, dwarfy-dwarf, tree-stump-bitch of a hobbit in stature that literally no woman would be content with or ever want in an adult male, and to stop being so negative about my dumpster-fire tragedy of a pointless existence where a genuinely good woman died, but I'm still here for some reason.
How do I do that? I need to reflect on life more. Meditate. Look out the window and think some more. At least I have a decent job.
Maybe if time really isn't linear, I could one day find out how to fold space-time and have:
The 2002 age-15 me who was still confident and still had friends who didn't ditch me cause I was too short for them and hadn't yet realized I'd be stuck in the body of a child for the rest of my life and treated as such.
The 2012 age-25 me with the only woman who ever accepted me for who I am and dare I say, maybe even loved me because she proposed to me and asked me to make her my wife.
The 2022 age-35 me with a $36K a year job that isn't complete sh*t living in a quiet part of South Korea as an afterschool English teacher.
And the 2032 age-45 me who's a multi-millionaire but probably more depressed and lonely than ever.
Maybe it's possible? To have all of the good parts of my life, simultaneously at once. What if it is? Then, would I really have a good portion of the pie fulfilled? The relationship, the confidence, the career, the health, and the friends? Who knows?
But for now, I'm going to TRY HARDER to be less negative. Try harder to bite my tongue at the stupidity in society, especially coming from the female side. Try harder to be less rude. And try harder to stop talking about the thing that makes me upset the most: genetic failure and my garbage DNA. And I will try, too! I promise you. Keyword though, being "try."
Not that anyone reads this long-ass sh*t. It's just for me to work my own sh*t out.
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