Theory on the World

Or everything I remember thinking or realising as I grew older.

Not very useful to anyone. But I like it, and maybe somebody will find something in here that will be useful to them.

Some of these do need a bit of backround, so to sum it up, I grew up going from Mums house to dads house depending on whose week it is. My Dad has always been pretty well off while my Mum never has had a lot. I grew up thinking the amount of money Dad had was hardly anything, I was not a spoilt rich kid, I just thought it was normal to be able to afford Maccas whenever. I attended a public school and had to do R.E at least twice a week. My parents are not religious so I was not encouraged at home to really care about R.E and the school did nothing to make it interesting. I am white. Because that apparently makes a difference. And I am originally from a relatively small town.

You don't have to read all of it. It is six pages on Word.

Theory on the World

  • The clouds in the sky are fishing boats. The fishermen are people who have died. The more clouds there are, the more fishermen there are who are fishing. When a person gets sick and is dying, they have been hooked by a fisherman who is trying to reel them in. If somebody is supposed to die but lives, then they were hooked but got off. If someone dies unexpectedly, that is when the fisherman’s hook catches them somewhere deadly. Like when people hook a fish in the guts or the fish swallows the hook and it dies from being cut up on the inside.
  • When it rains, that is God taking a piss. When it buckets down, that is God having a broken toilet and peeing in a bucket then tipping it out. Thunder is God burping or farting, lightning is when God is angry. Tsunamis are God flushing the toilet, and tornados are when He turns on the fan. Day is when God turns the light on and night when He turns it off. Floods are when God takes a bath, and droughts when He leaves the oven on.
  • A child’s favourite number will change every birthday to the age they are then. Unless they’re like me and make that realisation and the favourite number stays the same from then on. (9)
  • Everyone but you is an idiot, and everyone thinks you’re the idiot.
  • Everyone else’s logic is flawed. They think your logic is the one that’s flawed.
  • Little brothers and sisters get all the attention. Older brothers and sisters get all the attention. You get nothing. They say you get all the attention. So everyone gets all the attention, but everyone thinks everyone else gets it all?
  • Everyone else has it better than me. Why are they jealous?
  • Crashing your bike into a parked car is not fun. Funny. But not fun.
  • Cows are cute. Unless they’re taking a crap on you.
  • Cows are very responsive when you moo at them.
  • Cows have shit memory. It didn’t remember my brother a whole year later? Boo.
  • Make sure the saddle is tight enough before you ride a horse. Barbed wire fences really hurt when you fall on them.
  • Don’t ever over estimate your abilities on a motorbike. Crashing on a hill is never fun. Especially with other kids behind you.
  • Crashing a motorbike into your friends is less fun. Especially in your good pants.
  • Your Dad driving you home with a broken hip is not good for him.
  • Pink motorbikes are very manly.
  • Don’t drink dam water. Especially the water the cows drink.
  • Poppy’s wife’s shirt is not a shirt on you. It’s a dress.
  • Heat bags are not indestructible. Especially your favourite ones.
  • You can be bitten by a dog in the face and love dogs more than anyone else. Go figure.
  • Mum is the person you’ve called Mum since forever. So why is this fat lady trying to get me to call her Mum? That’s not her name. That’s Mum’s name.
  • Primary school sucks. You try to get rid of a friend but get in trouble because they started crying.
  • Primary school boyfriends only last a week. If that. Holding hands is a must.
  • ‘It’ is that unspeakable thing that adults do. I wonder if I’ll ever be an adult? But then I did used to wonder if I’ll ever get out of Prep.
  • Friends are not forever. They can be only an hour. Especially Macca’s friends whose name you can’t remember.
  • Some people have parents that are still together.
  • Sometimes people get sick of being called fat.
  • I’m annoying. I’m supposed to change that how?
  • Making skateboards as a Kris-Kringle presents is really fun. Especially when the guy gets really excited about it when he opens it.
  • I have boobs. What do I do with them? At least the training bras are cool.
  • Little brothers like boobs.
  • Spelling whole sentences is a good pass time when I’m supposed to be sleeping.
  • My little brother likes dinosaurs. He keeps telling me to spell ‘the tyrannosaurus rex ate the triceratops.’
  • Getting caught playing your DS when you should be sleeping results in losing your DS.
  • Being banned from reading but not the PlayStation or 64 is a thing.
  • Going to a friend’s house after being told no is a bad idea.
  • Watching your older brother trash his room is scarier than you’d think.
  • The mess in my room is never mine. It’s my brothers. Because he wears my clothes apparently.
  • I love to organise things. Unless it’s my stuff.
  • My brother likes it when I put his Ben 10 cards in a thousand different piles to organise them.
  • Getting up at six in the morning for cartoons is cool. Getting up at seven for school is not.
  • Pretending to be asleep is not a good thing. Especially before school.
  • If the step mum is in a good mood in the morning, I’m going to have a crap day at school. If she’s grumpy, my day will be awesome.
  • If the magpie swoops me before school, I’m going to have an awesome day.
  • Nobody seems to notice anything different when you turn up at school without your school bag. You only notice when the bell goes.
  • Riding your bike through a puddle that goes halfway up the wheel is not a good idea. Getting bogged is a thing. Go figure.
  • Getting lost down a dead end street is a thing.
  • Even small towns have bikers doing wheelies down the street.
  • Playing on the road is not a good idea. Unless the parents say you can.
  • Playing mini cricket on the road isn’t just for movies.
  • Stand-up comedy is only funny as a kid when you’re talking to four year olds who laugh at everything.
  • Teaching other kids how to play the recorder doesn’t work when you don’t know much yourself.
  • Barking at dogs who are barking doesn’t make them stop.
  • Don’t slide down the metal slide on a thirty degree day. Even with the hose on it. Ouch.
  • Furbees love going down slides.
  • Baby Born will always poo the moment you feed it. Always. I don’t know why.
  • Why are my Baby Born’s eyes purple? They were blue.
  • Where did my friend get a black Baby Born? I want one.
  • Soft dolls don’t belong in the bath.
  • Bath flutes are awesome. No-one knows what they are, but they’re awesome.
  • Don’t try to make new body washes out of shampoo and soap. You’ll get in trouble for wasting shampoo and soap.
  • Drawing on the shower screen is not a productive use of shower time.
  • Don’t tell your friends who don’t have brothers or sisters that you bathe with your brother. They give you weird looks.
  • Toddlers can’t eat food off spoons properly. They always leave this little bit. Don’t they know they shouldn’t waste food?
  • Why does he want to eat my apple? That’s my apple. He has boy germs he can’t have my apple.
  • Why does my brother’s floppy disk have less space than mine?
  • Snake skins are a thing.
  • Horses that bully other horses are a thing.
  • Calling a horse Bully because he bullies the other horses does not a creative name make.
  • There is a pony called Charlie. Why is he called Charlie? How did they know he was called Charlie?
  • Cats really do always land on their feet. Even kittens.
  • There is not a monster under my bed. Only a spider. A very big spider. I don’t want to go to bed.
  • That is not a spider touching my feet. That is a sock.
  • Parents tell us to close our curtains because if we don’t, we’ll be eaten.
  • You should wash your hands after touching cat poo that was buried in the sand.
  • It sucks listening to people who can’t read, read in front of the class. You want to push them out of the way and just read it yourself.
  • R.E sucks. If you want me to care, then get the people who don’t have to, to play the computers in another room where I can’t see them.
  • Sex ed. Is awesome.
  • I know more about sex then everyone else in the room. Is that weird?
  • My step mum calls it a fanny, my friends mum calls it a flossy. So…. It’s a flanny?
  • Don’t laugh when your brother doesn’t make it to the toilet in time. You might have to help clean it up.
  • If it looks like someone has broken into your house, the last thing they’re going to steal is the DS.
  • Don’t eat the lemons off the lemon tree. I know lemons taste really nice, but wash them first. You don’t know which ones Dad’s peed on.
  • That is an apple tree. It doesn’t have apples, it never has had apples. But it is an apple tree. And it will be again when I’m dead probably.
  • Don’t tell five year old boys about your new pet stick insect. They will kill it.
  • Don’t feed dragonflies flies that got stuck in wet paint. It will die.
  • Don’t bother saving baby birds. They’re not allowed inside. They will die outside.
  • Don’t get attached to ducks. The step-mum doesn’t like ducks. She will get rid of them.
  • If the computer shuts down before you save it. It’s probably gone.
  • Don’t give teachers USBs. They will lose them.
  • If you give in and let your brother check your lunch box, he will decide you’re not hiding anything and not check it. He never did find that missing Mars bar.
  • Cutting yourself while peeling potatoes hurts. A lot.
  • Don’t grate carrots without paying attention.
  • Don’t ask why she hit you, she will say because. Then you will be more confused.
  • Take advantage when she gives you a milo and not your brother. It will never happen again.
  • Deny, deny, deny.
  • No, it was not me who ate the sugar.
  • Peeling potatoes really slowly does not get you out of peeling potatoes.
  • Needing to go to the toilet before every chore does not get you out of any chore. It just makes you need to go to the toilet every time washing the dishes is mentioned.
  • Shaving a fluffy dog’s tail will result in it looking like a rat.
  • When a friend falls off the cubby roof and breaks their arm. Don’t laugh.
  • Don’t eat the witch’s concoction. You don’t know where that mud and bark have been.
  • Home-made Wiz Fizz. Need I say more?
  • Friend’s parents do catch on when you come over just to play their electronics because you’ve been banned.
  • Don’t get out of bed on Easter if you hear a crashing sound. That’s just the Easter Bunny breaking the chandelier.
  • When Mum asks if you want to put out carrots for Santa’s reindeer and she asks if they should be whole, cut or grated. Say grated.
  • The amount of eggs the Easter bunny gives, depends on if it’s Dad’s week or Mum’s week.
  • Grandma will always save our money for us. The question was, when would we get it back?
  • If you go to school in a dress but no undies because you didn’t have any clean ones, don’t hang upside down on the monkey bars.
  • When you get to year five the year sixes will have computers. When you get to year six, the year fives will have computers. When you get to year seven, they both will have computers. Arseholes.
  • There are people older than me who don’t know what a floppy disk is.
  • City kids are sad. They will waste a good apple just cause it touched the ground. If it were me, that apple would have been in my belly by the time they found a stick to skewer it with.
  • Being a fast eater can be a good thing. But when you are at a friends house and you finish long before they do so you have to sit there doing nothing while you listen to them talk about people you don’t know, don’t care about and will never meet you start to wish you ate as slowly as they do.
  • You know it’s bad when your little brother demands nobody talks at the dinner table because it always results in arguing.
  • When you realise you were actually rich when you thought you were poor.
  • That moment you realised that you knew you were gay, before you knew what being gay was.
  • Realising you’re gay while attending a catholic school.
  • The realisation that you can talk to your new friends about being gay easier than you can the people you’ve known your whole life.
  • The realisation that this whole list is actually kind of sad.
  • Having saggy tits and your Mum letting you know it. Constantly.
  • Refusing to try the pen test because you know what the result will be.
  • When your friend keeps saying never-mind and you don’t know what they’re never-minding.
  • When the cat jumps on the bed and spits on you on the way.
  • Having a friend who doesn’t know what tag is. Then realising they call it tap.
  • Making rockets out of film canisters is a thing. And very effective.
  • When you read an old school report for year four and your old language teacher says you’re a perfectionist. Then you look at your room and laugh.
  • You can’t join Aus Kicks because you’re a girl and footy is a boy’s game. Realising ten years later that not being allowed to play might be the reason you hate sports now.
  • Having a sporty body but hating sport.
  • Loving hiking but hating running and bragging about doing a forty km hike but dying after a five minute walk to the shops.
  • Sitting down to write a new chapter and spending the next three hours playing games instead.
  • Choose your friends wisely. You don’t know which ones will turn out to be arseholes.
  • Giving out all the good advice, then never following it yourself.
  • If you post a picture of you drinking out of a glass bottle and you’re underage, make sure you tell them it’s not alcohol.
  • Stop scratching.

So hey, which of these relate to you?

Which of these make no sense whatsoever?

Which of these make me sound like an idiot? (because I love sounding like an idiot)

BaileyisDarcy is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
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What Guys Said 2

  • @BaileyisDarcy That is a very comprehensive list, I'm just curious, did you sit down and write it all at once or have you been coming up with it over a period of time?

    • I sat and wrote it all at once, even now I can think of more I could add to it. I was originally going to just have it as everything I'd figured out about life by the time I was ten, but I kind of gave that up when I couldn't be bothered figuring out what year of primary school I turned eleven.
      Thanks for reading.

  • This made me hungry.


What Girls Said 1

  • Some stuff were pretty funny; and some got me thinking deeper. Overall it was very good; just keep it a bit short next time.