My mom found my diary. How can I recover?

[Anonymous]

A few months ago I was very sad for various issues and started keeping a diary. When I was VERY sad I'd write things like "I want to kill myself, why can't I?" and about how I cut myself (I've stopped)+insecurities. I would also express my emotions with swear words. My mom found that diary and now thinks I am depressed. I reassured her that I am not (she says she's believes me), but I just cannot stop thinking about it. I am extremely embarrassed. I know she's read every single page. How can I ever recover from this?

Updates

+1 y

We had a very long conversation/argument about this filled with crying and anger and I just don't want to talk about it anymore. I know she's going to treat me weirdly now. For example, I wrote "I am not pretty" and now she had to tell me how pretty I was and how everyone though I was. UGGGHH I DONT NEED FAKE COMPLIMENTS!!

[random56286]

It sounds like you are on the borderline if you aren't depressed. Now just writing things like that can be a good release but considering you are not talking about your enjoyment of life, you are not in great spirits.

I have felt like that before but I make a distinction between I want to kill myself and I want to die. The most important thing and something your mom better be concerned about is your feelings about taking your life. Make sure you really tell someone if you actually do want to hurt yourself. It is important for you to convey to her whether you just wish you were dead of not.

It can be very difficult for a loved one to know until it's too late.

You need a friend about your age you can talk to. Even talking here is a good thing because it should help and hopefully you get some real compliments.

[Asker]

yeah when I said I want to kill myself I meant I want to die even though I wrote down kill myself. I just don't consider myself depressed, maybe suicidal (i'm not sure if that's like a package deal) I just don't want to talk to anyone about it because I know I'm not going to do it and my friends just wouldn''t understand. The main reason I felt like this was because of family issues, but I do regularly think about suicide. By think I mean I just think about what would happen if I did it, how I would do it and what would people say.

[random56286]

Don't forget; depression comes in shades of gray. Just because you aren't suicidal doesn't mean you aren't depressed. You are significantly removed from the joys of life.

Find a good friend. A busom buddy that you can tell anything to without judgement. Use me if you need until you find someone else but that in itself can be the greatest asset in your life!

[Welloffselloff]

It's hard to recover from a parent not respecting your boundaries like this. Make sure you tell your mom what she did is not okay and that it hurts you that she did it. For how you feel about yourself? That will take time and serious reflection. Keeping a diary can help you get your thoughts together on an issue but make sure you are taking action on it.

[Asker]

I already told her that it was not okay, but she said she just putting stuff away when she came across it. I'm still mad at her for reading everything though. Currently feeling mortified, but I guess maybe in a week it'll pass. Thanks for the response.

[Welloffselloff]

That's a BS excuse, I can't recall a time when I was just putting some stuff away and accidentally read a book. Keep pressing it with her and make sure she knows it isn't going to be brushed off. You felt safe and secure in knowing your private thoughts where just that and now they are not. Everyone's has negative emotions and you shouldn't feel bad about having them

[anmari2001]

happened to me too, well just get over it, its not a big deal

[Asker]

I know I just don't want her to treat me "special" or think of me differently.

[anmari2001]

she will treat you diffrent in the beginning but it won't last forever, unless you actually get deppresed..
my mom joked me about what she saw in the diary but now she doesn't even remember wheat she have said

[Asker]

I hope. This diary was only filled with depressing and angry pages though, so I don't know if she believes me. I threw the diary in the garbage so she can't read it again.

[anmari2001]

she probably doesn't believe you but if she see that you are okey her mom radar will calm down

[jr27001]

If everything ever happened to you.. it would be the end of your mom's world. she would be dead In person. ur the only thing in her life.. everything can fall apart but not you.. she will do everything in her power and more to help you.. thats a mothers unconditional love. She's ur best friend

[lostliam34]

Its just going to take time.

[goanboy]

lel that shit is with you forever

[sameold]

Not her business stay out of it.